Manic Monday: Date

In my previous post, I mentioned "Evil Alternate Universe Janna".
The idea intrigues me.
Here are some things I would love to do if I could spend a day with my evil alter-ego:
(Or, my GOOD alter-ego, if it does indeed turn out that I am the evil one)

1. Kidnap all the people who have left political campaigning messages on my answering machine and play a combination of opera and rap music (at the same time) until they agree to pay me $10,000 for each message left. (The price goes up $2,500.00 each day between now and the election).

2. Blackmail the CEO of Kellogg's into making "All-Bran" entirely out of chocolate. It would still have to be called "All-Bran" though, because... well, just because.

3. Double-date with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. (Can you say "foursome?")

4. Co-author a "page-a-day" calendar called "365 Fun Things To Do With Your Evil Alternate Reality Self". Deluxe version includes pictures of foursome from the aforementioned double-date.

5. Gather all the tofu on the entire planet and get rid of it by feeding it to all the pigs on the planet, then eat a LOT of ham and bacon and BBQ ribs.

6. Make chocolate-Prozac-chip cookies and send them to all my depressed friends, along with a coupon for the new improved version of "All-Bran" which will be coming out soon.
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantics: Dried, shriveled-up things that do NOT go into my mouth
Jantrails: Why datebooks are a waste of time for someone with no social life
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Unless I'M the evil one....

Five historical figures it might have been interesting to know personally:

1) Jack The Ripper
2) Emily Dickinson
3) Mozart
4) Vlad The Impaler
5) Evil Alternate Universe Janna
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Twigs and fish food... just add milk!

A few days ago, while I was still depressed about turning 38, I went out and bought the nastiest, most disgusting box of bran cereal I could find. Usually I get Shredded Wheat and Bran, because it tastes the same as regular shredded wheat, plus I enjoy deluding myself into believing that the added bran/fiber will help cancel out all the other not-so-healthy things I eat, like Little Debbie fudge rounds and brownies.

Shhhhh. Let me dream.

Anyway, I was sad about turning 38, so I went straight for the big guns. Kellogg's All-Bran. There were two different kinds. One looked like miniature twigs and branches. If I was a bird I would have gotten an urge to build a nest right there in the store. (Since I can't lay any eggs of my own I would have needed to borrow some from aisle five.)
The other type of All-Bran they had was these little round pellets that looked exactly like the fish food I used to use back when I kept large aquarium fish.
That's the kind I decided to buy. The pellets.
So I took them home.
And tried them.
And they taste like tree bark.
Tree bark in convenient pellet form!
Please don't ask me how I know what tree bark tastes like.
I'm happy to announce that I vastly prefer Fruity Pebbles and Lucky Charms.
Maybe if I eat them along with a bowl of Shredded Wheat and Bran, they will cancel each other out.
So THAT'S what people mean by a "balanced" breakfast....
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e-mail crap, part two

(Note: read previous post first)
I went to see my ISP today.
They are unbelievably dense about the problem.
The guy tried saying that they're upgrading the security on their server, so no one can get through with spam or spyware.
Fine, I said, I don't want spam or spyware either, but I would certainly like my friends to be able to e-mail me.
I explained that NO ONE had been able to get through; everyone's e-mails were bouncing back.
At first he tried explaining that as proof that the system was working, that this must mean there was something wrong with my friends' computers, they must be sending viruses or spam or something unsavory.
Um, NO.
Nice try.
No.
I showed him the stack of error messages that people had forwarded to my Gmail account, from everything that had bounced back.
He took a highlighter and marked their addresses, saying he'd have the boss enter them manually into the system as "safe" sometime on MONDAY.
Excusemewhat?
What about everyone else? What about the people who comment on my blog, who have their comments bounce back to them? I'm not going to have each and every one of their e-mail addresses entered into my ISP's system. Some of them may not even want me to HAVE their e-mail address. Besides, isn't that done through Blogger anyway? Even Blogger stuff was bouncing back. AND wordpress, too!
Still, the guy didn't get it. He just kept ranting the same schpiel about how they were cracking down on spam and spyware. "We won't allow it!" He kept saying, over and over.
He took my list of "acceptable" addresses and said he would ask the boss to mark them as "acceptable". Other than that, I really don't think anything was accomplished.
The guy said "Well, can't you get Yahoo mail or something?"
"Um, I DO have G-Mail," I said, pointing to the printouts of G-Mail I had just finished showing him. "But that's not the point. Part of what I pay you guys for is a functioning e-mail address, and right now I don't seem to be receiving that service."
I swear I wasn't bitchy about it, but dammit, this guy just wasn't GETTING THE POINT.
The way it stands, no "new" people can send me e-mail.
Here's why that's frightening: it has effectively killed my online graphics business. I can't receive any new orders from new people.
I suppose I could receive orders via g-mail, but I couldn't sent the actual graphics through that service. Yesterday I tried sending larger files through g-mail, and none of them would go through. I kept getting a "server error."
Plus, G-Mail is really slow, because I am on dial-up.
I really wish there were more ISP options available for people like me, out here in the middle of nowhere.
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E-Mail problems

I know people have had trouble e-mailing me lately. This is because my stupid ISP has made some changes to their server, and they've screwed something up. Whenever anyone tries e-mailing me now, it bounces back to them.
I'm on my way into town right now, to "talk" to the ISP people about this.
And, by "talk", I mean you should check the news for stories of a giant crater which has obliterated south central Michigan.
Don't worry. I'll get out of the way first.
In the meantime, if you need to e-mail me, send it to my gmail address, which is HERE.

From what I understand, even the blog comments are bouncing back to people. But don't worry, they're still showing here on the blog. They're just not getting e-mailed to me. So I can still read them and respond to them, I just have to do it by coming here and reading them directly from the site.
So don't be afraid to comment. :)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to reload my AK-47 and make a trip downtown.
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It's not Thanksgiving, but what the heck

I wasn't online at all Wednesday because of a sixteen-hour migraine.
My entire day was spent hurting and barfing and trying to rest.
But hey, it's one in the morning now, and although a little bit of the pain is still there, the worst of it seems to finally be gone.

So I'm thankful for that.

Thirteen other things for which I am thankful:

1) Winter
2) Chocolate
3) Cats
4) Bottled water
5) Scented candles
6) Hot peppers
7) All of you who read my blog
8) The fact that I drove on an expired license for over a year (without even realizing it!) and didn't get caught
9) Taco Bell has brought back its "Cheesy Gordita Crunch" for a limited time only!
10) The colors blue and green
11) The fact that there are no wild alligators in Michigan.
12) Peace and quiet
13) Fountain pens
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Since I haven't been able to eat anything since Tuesday, #9 is starting to sound pretty darn good.
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Things I Have In Common With Squirrels

1. I am a mammal.
2. I think nuts are interesting, and sometimes I dream of hoarding them.
3. Hibernation sounds wonderful. *
4. People don't like it when I eat out of their bird feeders.
5. Some parts of my body qualify as "bushy".

*I researched to make sure squirrels actually hibernate. Here's the answer: Ground squirrels DO hibernate, but tree squirrels don't. So there ya go. Consider yourself educated.

Ok, try to follow along....

Today I went to the Secretary Of State office to get my driver's license renewed.
And I'm happy to say that everything went well.
I didn't even have to take a test. I just paid my money, got my picture taken for the new license, got my temporary license until the new one arrives in the mail, and that was it.
Quick and painless.

Then, once I got out to the car, I looked in my wallet to make sure I had registration and proof of insurance.
I found registration, but not proof of insurance.
"Crap," I said. "I'm gonna have to go to the insurance office and get a copy printed out."

So I went to the insurance office.... only to find that it wasn't there anymore. I mean the building was there, but it was no longer an insurance office. I discovered, to my dismay, that my insurance guy had retired and left all his clients to this OTHER guy whose office was further away in the town of Reading, Michigan. Reading is just barely north of the Ohio border.
So, I called the new guy and told him I'd be stopping by for a copy of my proof of insurance.
I drove all the way down there, and when I got to Reading I pulled over for a moment. I went through my wallet one more time just to search though my papers yet again....
And found that I DID have proof of insurance after all.
So I'd driven all the way down there for nothing.
But, since I was already there, I went in the insurance office and got the copy I'd requested. They were really cool and had it right there waiting for me. They also gave me a 2008 calendar, which I was probably far more excited about than I should have been.

Anyway, to summarize, I finally am comforted by the fact that I know I have valid registration, license, and proof of insurance. Not that I want to get stopped by a cop, but at least now if I do, I won't get busted for that. I can get busted for other things, like all the pot and black tar heroin in my trunk.
Just kidding! Just kidding!

One other totally unrelated thing, just so I can keep rambling awhile longer: Remember awhile back, when I said I broke my right thumbnail way down into the quick and it bled? Well, that's all healed now, but today I broke the OTHER thumbnail really bad, and it bled the same way. I've got a band-aid on it now. This time I broke it by rolling down the window in my car. I hate the fact that my car has "crank-down" windows instead of automatic windows. I've broken a lot of nails trying to turn that stupid thing.

That was also the post where my fortune cookie said I would soon witness a miracle.
I think, in retrospect, the miracle was that I drove for over A YEAR on an expired license and didn't get in trouble for it!
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memes and strange things

You all know I'm strange, right?
Go on over to Jantics where I've posted a list of seven strange things about myself.
Confession is good for the soul.
Well, that and the fact that I got tagged.

I have mixed feelings about memes. On one hand, it's fun to feel included, it's comforting to know that your fellow bloggers are thinking about you, and it can be fun being creative while writing the post.
On the other hand, there's still that sense of "uh-oh".... that foreboding sense of dread when I see I've been tagged. It's hard to explain, but hopefully you know what I mean.
Because I love all of you and usually want to spare you that foreboding sense of dread, I usually break the rules by NOT tagging anyone when I complete a meme.

You're welcome.
Let's hug.
Feel the love.
(Is that a wrench in your pocket??)

But lately, I've felt like starting a meme of my own and tagging a bunch of people with it. I'm not sure if it's due to a sense of "Let's all have some fun!" or "Everyone must begin the year with a load of suffering."

So, be forewarned.
And try to stay on my good side. :)
LOL.
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For Manic Monday today...

Instead of a theme word, Morgen has decided to run a "Carnival" type deal where we all feature our favorite Manic Monday posts of 2007.
If I had to choose a favorite, I guess I'd pick my "Carol" themed post, where I photoshopped Dick Cheney together with Carol Channing.
Click HERE to refresh your memory about that. :)
For everyone else's favorites, click below....

Woops!!!!

I went out to dinner with some friends today, and while one of them was getting her money out of her wallet, I noticed her driver's license.
"Hmmm," I thought to myself, "I wonder when my license expires."
So, just for fun, I took my driver's license out of my wallet...

And saw that it had expired on my birthday...

Back in 2007.

Woops!
Kinda missed that, didn't I?
So, um, first thing Monday morning, I'm going over to get it renewed.

Please don't tell the cops.
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Snippets of life

Thursday I was in a restaurant and there was a TV up on the wall which was reporting the news that Sir Edmund Hilary had died.
I heard the people at the table next to me:
"Sir Edmund Hilary? Who's THAT?"
"I dunno, but he sounds important!"

What's ironic is that if they had just kept listening to the broadcast, it fully explained who he was. All their questions would have been answered, but they ignored it, choosing instead to talk about how clueless they were.

I fought the urge to lean over and explain things to them, but somehow I doubted that my input would have been welcome. That whole "eavesdropping" thing is generally frowned upon, I suppose.

And I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

Instead I mentally filed away the moral of the story: You can usually learn a lot more by listening than by talking.

I guess another moral could be "Don't talk when Janna is trying to listen to the news." But that wouldn't look nearly as good on a fortune cookie.
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Behold the older Janna

It's finally happened.
I'm 38.
My hands are still wrinkly, and I noticed a couple more gray hairs on my head. But it's ok, because I've discovered a wonderful thing called denial!!
Denial!
Hahahahaha!
Denial is my friend! I'm NOT old! I'm young! I'm a pretty sixteen-year-old cheerleader with a perfect figure and beautiful blue eyes. Johnny Depp fantasizes about ME! I understand the theory of relativity, chaos theory, AND Google's PR algorithm. People love me! I speak fluent Japanese and can easily translate it into hieroglyphics. I am confident that the planet will never be decimated by a crippling deadly super-virus from outer space!
Denial! Denial! Denial!
La la la la la la!!!!
See? This isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be!

Now, who wants cake?
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Thirteen things I won't be able to do after I turn 38 tomorrow

1) Travel to Saturn
2) Breathe fire and acid upon my enemies
3) Travel backward in time
4) Speak Icelandic
5) Change urine into liquid gold
6) Breathe while immersed in Italian dressing
7) Paint a replica of the Sistine Chapel ceiling on my driveway
8) Cure leprosy
9) Explain trigonometry
10) Read the Encyclopedia Britannica in 30 minutes or less
11) Magically transport myself to Florida by closing my eyes really tight and saying "Go Gators!"
12) Enjoy the smell of sauerkraut
13) Date a leprechaun
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I take some small comfort in realizing that I couldn't do any of these things before I turned 38 either.
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The Impossible Handful

A few nights ago I had dinner at McDonalds.
I like lots of ketchup on my fries, so usually I ask for a "handful" of ketchup. The window person usually says "sure, no problem," and drops a fistful of ketchup packets in the bag.
But that night there was this other guy, and his response was a little different.

"Can I get a handful of ketchup with that?" I asked.

"How many?"

"Just a handful is fine."

"No, I need a specific number," he insisted. "You have to give me a number. Four? Five?"

"Six," I blurted out, just because it was the first number that came to mind.

Satisfied with the utterance of an actual number, he started counting out packets.

"Is that, uh, some new policy?" I wondered aloud.

"No, we've always done that," he lied. "We can't ever give a handful, because...." he leaned in, "... because MY hand might be bigger than YOURS."

"Oh, ok," I nodded, pretending to agree with his bizarre logic.

Scary.
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Things to say when you've suddenly realized you're not wearing any pants

1) There seems to be a slight chill today.
2) I think I left them at Burger King.
3) Now we can go watch cartoons!
4) Oh, I'm wearing them; they're just invisible.
5) I'm changing my name to Michael Jackson
6) Wanna try some finger painting? Oh, wait, that's not your finger...
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Manic Monday: One

If there was only ONE chicken left on the entire planet, I would name her Madeline, and we would have lots of fun. We would watch movies, drive around the countryside, and listen to the radio.
I would make sure to tell Madeline "thank you" at least once before I ate her that evening in a delicious platter of chicken fettucine alfredo.
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantrails: I have one dollar left....
Jantics: I have less than one week left....
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Thank you

I'd like to start by thanking those of you who've written to me these past few days with messages of encouragement and support.
I heard from people I barely knew, who were wonderfully candid and forthcoming with tales of their own. I leaned that I'm not the only one who's had such a severe "freak-out" reaction to a specific birthday. Other people have too. I heard from people who freaked out at 24, 30, 35, 38, 40, and even 60.

There were also people I was SURE I would hear from, who ended up not sending me any messages at all. So that was kind of sad.

But overall, I think I will be ok.

Make no mistake about it, I'm still freaking out, but I'm reasonably confident that I can freak out AND blog at the same time.
Just call me Janna The Multitasker.
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I am still here

It's barely been two days since I left the blogosphere.
Feels more like a month.
Clearly I am an addict.
I suspect I will be resuming my previous posting regularity soon.

[insert age-joke about regularity]

In the meantime, feel free to read about cucumber Pepsi.
Click here and here for articles which discuss this lovely garden-fresh flavor.

Bonus: the second article also mentions aloe vera flavored sausages.
Finally, a sausage you can put on burns.
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I don't know how to say this

Today won't be very funny, and I apologize in advance for that.
I also apologize for how long this will be.

My mother once told me that 30 was the only birthday that ever made her cry.
She cried because she remembered how HER mother (my grandmother) looked when she was thirty. Gramma had three kids then and was strapped into a hard life with a lot of work. Mom remembers how "old" she looked, tired and worn out, both physically and emotionally. And now she was the same age as that. Even though her life had been less difficult, and she only had ONE kid (not counting a few miscarriages), she was still "that old". By many definitions, thirty is young, but what I'm referring to here is the terrible psychological impact of it. It was an awful, foreboding, crushing feeling for her. And she cried.
I know how she feels now, because the same thing is happening to me. Thirty didn't really bother me all that much, but for some reason the magic number here has turned out to be 38.
I am going to turn 38 on January 11th. The very thought makes me cry.
I remember what my mom's hands looked like when I was growing up. I suppose they were typical hands for a woman approaching her forties, but they looked so OLD compared to my younger hands.
And, for the past few days, I've been looking at my OWN hands.
I have "those" hands now.
OLD hands.
I've been debating for a few days whether to blog about this, and which blog I should put it on if I did. I have secondary blogs which I'd purposely set aside for non-funny topics like this, yet the Jannaverse is my "home," and this is intensely personal, so somehow it belonged here.
I also dreaded the reactions I'd be likely to get from some people.
I feared there would be junk like "You're only as old as you feel," or "Hey, I'M a lot older than you, so quit complaining," or "You need to get over yourself," or "Stop being such a drama queen," or something else that implies I'm just overreacting. Those reactions would only make me angry, which is why I seriously considered whether I wanted to blog about this at all.
Worst of all would be if you decided "Janna's not funny anymore, so I guess I'll stop reading her stuff."
I don't need or want ANY of those reactions.
Thirty seems young to me now, yet I completely understand and respect my mother's need to mourn herself becoming that age.
Maybe to some of you, thirty-eight seems equally young. I ask for the same respect and understanding.
A lot of it is my hands... I look at my hands a lot lately and I SEE all kinds of wrinkles and imperfections and lines that just weren't there before. My hands look very OLD to me. I look at them and I cry. I'm crying right now, just TYPING about them.
Another part of it is that 38 is dangerously close to 40. I know, I know, I know life continues after 40. I have friends who are over 40. To the best of my knowledge, they still breathe once in awhile and laugh and smile and have semi-regular bowel movements.
I gave a manicure to an 86-year-old lady today. I know there are hands older-looking than mine. I know. I know. I know!!
But somehow I never thought that I would be 40. Or 38, for that matter.
When I was younger, I had some strange premonition that I wouldn't live to see age 30. It's hard to explain, but somehow I just "knew" I wouldn't live that long. Thirty was an age I simply would not reach. It was a strange knowledge to have, and even stranger was the fact that I was totally ok with it. I knew that my life would end before 30 and that was fine. Even at six years old, I felt this way.
But, somehow it didn't end. I kept living.
Never did I believe I would make it to forty, and I still haven't, but holy crap, I am dangerously close.
I never thought I would be as old as I am now.
The past few days, I've been getting more and more depressed. I look at my hands and I cry. I sit and think about what I've just typed, and I cry.
Another sad thing is that I'm 38 and single. I'm all alone. Never been married. I know it's possible to be single and happy, just like it's possible to be married and miserable. Believe me, I understand that. I'm just tired of being alone. Once a woman reaches my age, the odds are very slim that she will get married. It's not completely impossible, but unlikely.
I know 38 seems young to a lot of you, and a lot of you probably just don't understand what I mean. Please, please don't laugh at me or roll your eyes. Please.
Even though I hotly despise the phrase "You're only as old as you feel", for most of my life it worked in my favor. Mentally, I usually felt about 19-20. Physically, I felt closer to about 90, due to health issues (which I still have and will probably always have). I used to joke that if you averaged the numbers together, it came out to roughly the age I actually was.
(Though now I just realized that 20 and 90 averages out to 55.)
I'm rambling now.
I realize that.
I don't know how to end this.
I just don't want a bunch of reactions like the ones I typed earlier. It won't help.
Nothing can help.
I'm turning the comments off for this post. I just don't want a whole comment section full of "those" reactions, since it will feel like everyone is ganging up on me, with everyone else able to read it all. I'd be embarrassed and upset.
If you want to e-mail me privately with a loving note of support, you can do so by clicking here.
I feel very sad, and am unsure when I'll be able to post again.
Please forgive me.
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Snow vs. Car

As you know from my previous post, I was snowed in for a few hours today. I finally got the car out of its frozen white prison. It wasn't easy.
Here are a couple pictures I took so you can see how deep everything was covered. See how high the snow comes up on the tires? See how much more snow there is, compared to the pictures in the previous post?

You know you're hooked on blogging when your car is covered in all this snow, you can't leave the house until it's all cleared away, and one of your first thoughts is "I gotta BLOG about this!"
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Come shovel me out!!!

The following pictures were taken on New Years' Day (yesterday).
Since then, we've gotten MORE snow, and I, uh, I can't get out.
I'm snowed in.
Stuck like a rat in a trap.
Or at the very least, my CAR is stuck. I can't get it out.





I know, I know, it looks tame here, but I'm telling you, it snowed more since I took these pictures yesterday.
I hate being unable to go anywhere.
But y'know, as bad as I hate this, it's STILL not as bad as summer.

UPDATE: I got out!! I'm not stuck anymore! Lemme tell ya, there is a lotta snow out there. But I finally dislodged my car. Now I just need to wait for the guy to come plow my driveway....
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One down, 365 to go!

(I almost said 364, until I realized that 2008 is a leap year).

Well, I survived January first. It's after midnight, which means technically it's tomorrow now.

I stayed home in my bathrobe all day, alone, gradually ripening into... well, into something that's going to have a shower in just a few minutes.

Then, after I am squeaky clean, I'm going to curl up in bed and read something interesting, while warm furry cats purr happily next to me.

Then I will fall asleep and have strange dreams which involve a box of crackers, a chainsaw, Drew Carey, an asteroid, and YOU.

I may also dream about mercilessly killing some of the idiots who inundate my e-mail with countless spam messages. For the last time, you people, I don't have any penis to enlarge! If you'd like to SEND me one via snail-mail, I'll try planting it in a little flower pot and see how well I can fertilize it each day.

I think, if I planted a little penis in a flower pot, the best way to get it to grow would be to flash my boobs at it every day.
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Things I did on New Year's Eve

1) Ate tacos and looked forward to the first farts of 2008.

2) Watched a Harry Potter movie... I think it was The Order Of The Phoenix, but honestly I don't remember. It was the newest one, whatever that is. I liked it. I haven't read any of the HP books, and have only seen about two of the movies (Maybe three). I like what I've seen so far. My favorite character is Snape. Gotta love Alan Rickman.

3) Watched The Simpsons movie. Eh. It was ok. Somehow I'd hoped it would be better. It did have a moment of full frontal nudity, though, so there's a bonus.

4) Watched a few episodes of The Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci-Fi channel. I like The Twilight Zone because it's just as bizarre as I want my blog to be.

5) Attempted to mentally switch from December to January, which always freaks me out every year because it feels like such a huge LEAP.

6) Drank diet redpop, which I realize makes me a wuss. But I redeemed myself by belching loudly enough for Canada and Cuba to hear me. Excuse me, by the way.

7) Drove home at one in the morning, in a terrible snowstorm which had already dumped a dangerous amount of snow on the roads. Nothing had been plowed yet, and travel was definitely hazardous. I shudder to think of people who will try driving drunk on those roads tonight. There will undoubtedly be a ton of accidents.

8) Ate a peanut butter granola bar. Don't worry; it's the kind that's dipped in chocolate, so any potential nutrition is stopped dead in its tracks.


I hope you are all safe and sound, and I wish you all a good year.
Happy 2008.
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Still Waiting For My Miracle

Since it's New Years' Eve, and no one is reading, I've decided to embrace my inner laziness and simply bring you a list of ten things I did in the past seven days.
And if you ARE reading, consider yourself hugged. (And groped, if you're into that sort of thing.)

1. Broke a thumbnail down into the quick, and it bled a lot.

2. Played in a brass ensemble on Christmas Eve, and our program included Joy To The World, in the key of D-Major. When I got back out to my car I found it had a thin layer of ice on it (like freezing rain or freezing drizzle). Or, maybe some disgruntled person with a full bladder had peed on my car. Who knows. It was dark and I couldn't tell.

3. Tried not to think about the fact that I will be 38 on January 11th.

4. Wore a yellow bathrobe and wondered if I looked like a giant lemon.

5. Enjoyed winter weather and felt eternally grateful that summer is a LONG way away.

6. Went out for Chinese food with my folks and got a fortune cookie that said "You will soon witness a miracle." I'm still waiting.

7. Wrote "Murgatroid Was Here" in purple ink on the back of my hand, for no reason.

8. Made a necklace (and matching bracelet) for my mom.

9. Realized I am getting old, because one of my favorite cereals is now "Shredded Wheat And Bran".

10. Wondered what hemlock tastes like, and whether it would be good in salads.
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantrails: The Key To Happiness… or something like that.
Jantics: Things I Still Don’t Know, Even Though I’m About To Turn 38
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Pictures and Techno Junk

Blogger is still doing weird stuff with my header pictures.
I'd heard that the tech problem I mentioned HERE and HERE had been fixed, so I tried to upload a new banner...
And there was still crap going on.
Instead of poor resolution, this time the problem was that the banner had been shrunk all the way down to the size of an address label. In fact, no, it was even smaller than that.
Shrunk, ridiculously small, for no reason.
So I'm still having to use Flickr as a third-party hosting site for my images.
I wish Blogger would get its act together and fix this mess.
Anyway, here are two pictures I took of myself today for no reason, which I incorporated into the new banner I made:.

Photo Hunters: Messy

Ok, so winter is here, which I guess is a bad thing for those of you who hate winter.
But let's look on the bright side.
This means that "Road Construction Season" is over!
Here are some pictures of road construction in Hillsdale this past summer. I hated it. It looked messy and it made traffic extremely bothersome.
Plus there were these giant pits in the road where they were digging, and I always worried that I'd spontaneously lose control of the vehicle and flip over into the giant hole, landing upside down. Then for some reason the workers wouldn't notice me and they'd just fill in the asphalt right over me, permanently sealing me into the earth until the NEXT road construction season. I'd be excavated and scientists would be called in to examine my remains. Unfortunately, the only thing they'd be able to agree on is the fact that this person had a really messy car.
But I'm not posting any pictures of that.
Hey, I would like to maintain SOME dignity.
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On Jantics today, you can see a picture of my snowy driveway, and on Jantrails you can hear the story of a restaurant which treated our ABC group like crap.
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Things That Would Be Fun To Write On A Bald Guy's Head While He Was Sedated:

1) "Boobs or oxygen... Don't make me choose!"
2) "Rabid ferrets make delicious hors douvres!"
3) "Help! I Can't find my pancreas!"
4) "I think I have to pee."
5) "Oranges are WAY overrated.... especially when you get one stuck in your ass."
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I should have asked for thirty instead

'Twas the day after Christmas
A nice chilly winter
And I microwaved
A burrito for dinner

I stayed in my nightgown
And scratched where it itched
"Why bother to shower?"
I grumbled and bitched

Out on the porch
There arose such a clatter
I ignored it and shrugged
What the hell does it matter?

So imagine my shock
When old Santa appeared
Vodka fumes on his breath
Cookie crumbs in his beard

Reindeer crap on his boot
And a faint smell of pee
Crispy stains on his suit
And he looked right at me

"You weren't all that good,"
He said, checking the log
"But still, keep on writing;
The elves love your blog."

So we haggled a deal
'Til we both were in luck
I flashed him my boobs
And I got twenty bucks.
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Manic Monday: Joy

For those of you who tuned in to Turnbaby's Radio Show last night, we read a lot of holiday-themed haiku.
I read ten that I had written just for the occasion.
Here they are:

***
Festive Offerings
Chestnuts and Figgy Pudding
I would rather starve
***
Listen, Santa Boy
Bring everything I told you
And no one gets hurt
***
Never stand naked
Too close to the fireplace
Singed pubic hair: Bad.
***
The North Pole is here
One big Michigan winter
Now my hands are numb
***
Tasty sausages
Glowing with flavorful spice
Delicious Rudolph
***
Instead of cookies
He ate my old leftovers
Santa?? Speak to me!!
***
Chestnuts roasting on...
Hey, never mind. You take them.
I hate burning nuts
***
Three year old egg nog
Deadlier than silent farts
But with more protein
***
All the naughty elves
Like to watch me undressing
They like bad girls best
***
Alien Christmas
Probed with mistletoe again
E.T. can kiss my ass
***

And now, for three more written just for Manic Monday, with the word "Joy."

***
You light up with joy
Seeing me fall on the ice
Lousy sick bastard
***
I need more cookies
Soft, warm, chewy chocolate chip
Biting into joy
***
If I had to choose,
Joy or Cheaper gas prices
Wait... wait, lemme think...
***

Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantrails: Changing your name to Joy or Janna
Jantics: 12 things that bring me joy
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Oh, and if you want to listen to the show I co-hosted, here....

Perhaps I need more cookies

I'm glad I'm not one of those people entrusted with writing holiday stories to delight an entire generation.

Clement Moore wrote "Twas The Night Before Christmas,"
Dr. Seuss wrote about the Grinch,
and Charles Dickens wrote about Scrooge.

That's gonna have to be enough, 'cause lemme tell ya, I am too exhausted to have my name added to the list. I have no energy. I am curled up in a little ball waiting for it all to be over.

If I had to wrote a heartwarming holiday story right now, it would probably come out sounding like this:

"Once upon a time there was somebody. I don't really remember who. They lived somewhere and did something, and there was somebody else who tried to stop them or kill them or something, but somehow they lived happily ever after anyway, except for one guy who died a hideously painful death. Oh, and I think it might have been snowing.

... The End."
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Please go check out my post over at Burt Reynolds' Mustache today, where I further embrace my inner Grinch.
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Janna the M&M

Thanks to this website, I now know what I would look like if I was an M&M.
The hairstyle isn't quite right, but everything else is ok. I do love to wear sandals in the summertime. I do love books. And of course I'm part alien, so my skin is a beautiful shade of blue-green.
I love the snarky expression.
Notice how I chose the peanut version instead of the plain round version. Consider it a symbolic awareness of my inner nut.
I will melt in your mouth OR your hands, depending on what happens there.
..
Oh, and here's what Fab would look like as an M&M.I'm not sure what his melting policy is.
You should probably ask first, before you do anything too drastic involving hands and mouths.
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I promise to shower before I visit

I have no idea what to say
There are words out there, I'm sure
But very faint and far away
Like fleas on matted fur

It's cold and quiet, dark and late
I really need a shower
Will you love me if I visit?
I can be there in an hour.

I'll try not to piss you off
Or breathe loud like Darth Vader
And you can turn your head and cough
When we play doctor later
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Here, listen to me rant about tech crap

Well, you'll hopefully notice that my banner is back to a decent resolution.
This is NOT due to any help from Blogger, though. Their same problem still exists. If you try uploading a graphic into your header, it will get shrunk. It will then be stretched back out again, making the resolution look as bad as if the picture had been colored by a first grader.
I posted my problem on Blogger's "help" site.
It got no answers from anyone.
I posted it AGAIN.
And it got one reply from a fellow blogger who said the same thing was happening to him. He couldn't get Blogger to fix the problem either, and had to resort to hosting his images via a third-party site.
A blogging friend had recommended that solution to me earlier as well.
I'd really hoped it wouldn't come to that.
I do have a Flickr account, but it's a hassle because the site frequently freezes or crashes my browser. Plus, Flicker ALSO shrinks the pictures when you upload them. You have to go back afterward and click on this thing and tell them that you wanted the bigger version. Then they give you the URL where the larger version is stored.
Then you click to change your header picture, and you select the "From the web" option, and paste the URL into that box.
That step made my browser crash once too.
If all goes well, you will eventually be able to save the larger picture as your new header.
It's a big headache and I hate it, but it works.
For someone like me, who enjoys changing banners often, this is really going to be a pain in the ass.
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Thirteen Things I Haven't Done Yet In 2007

1. Learn to play the cello
2. Find buried treasure in my neighbor's yard
3. Subscribe to Pen World magazine
4. Ask strangers to smell my elbows
5. Travel to New Hampshire
6. Eat polar bear
7. Put any sort of clock on any of my walls
8. Fly a stealth bomber
9. Fall asleep on a raft
10. Die a slow agonizing death
11. Levitate
12. Find Bigfoot
13. Build an igloo
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantrails: 13 words that sound funny if you keep saying them over and over until they don't sound like words anymore
Jantics: 13 toys I remember having as a kid. (How many of you had these same toys?)
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Best post ever!

It's almost five in the morning.
There was a party at Jason's last night, and I didn't get home til about four in the morning. (an hour ago).
I'm exhausted, and I have no clue what to post today.
So I'll need you all to do me a favor.
Pretend this was the funniest, most creative, brilliant post EVER.

Thank you.
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Oh, and if you want Wordless Wednesday, it's over at Jantrails.
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Or maybe roses

If there really are aliens out there, I hope they smell like lavender. That way, when they invade and we have to kill them all, we can crush up their dead bodies and recycle them as potpourri.
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Manic Monday: Carol

I'm just guessing here, but I think if Dick Cheney's first name had been "Carol" instead, people would keep mistaking him for Carol Channing, and it would annoy him even more than he's already annoyed.

"No, I'm not going to sing any &*%$#@$ show tunes for you bastards; I'm Carol CHENEY, not Carol Channing! Bite me! All you people can just kiss my ass!"

And then he would fantasize about raising our taxes.
He might also shoot some of us.

Consider yourself forewarned:

THIS

PLUS THISEQUALS THIS.

(So, after the first amendment gets abolished, and I go to federal prison for photoshopping that picture, you're all going to come visit me, right?)
Bring cookies.
I like cookies.
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantics: Parody of a christmas carol
Jantrails: Wessonality Disorder
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Make it quick and painless

If I ever start making sense, it probably means that some alien life form has taken over my body and is controlling my brain.
Interstellar chaos is sure to result.
This means, of course, that one of you is going to have to kill me in order to save the human race.
Or, you know, you could just let me live and say "the hell with the human race."
'Cause I'd be totally ok with that too.
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Hey, go check out this phallic cheeto.

Or, if you want something a little more normal (pfftt), you can always just go check out the puppy I had when I was a kid.
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Poor Squeaky

So, have you ever looked down and realized that all this time there was a dead hamster stuck to the bottom of your shoe and it had been there all day long but you didn't even notice it until someone asked why you were walking funny and the hamster is flat as a pancake and all these kids start searching around shouting "Squeaky? Squeaky, where are you?"
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Quick Thoughts

1) If you haven't yet read my request for tech help below, please read it and let me know if you can help solve the mystery of why my pictures are screwed up.

2) If you want Thursday Thirteen, it's at Jantics this week: "Thirteen Signs You're In A Bad Motel."

3) I'm trying to decide which I like better: octagons or rectangles. Octagons kind of annoy me because they remind me of stop signs, but rectangles are a turn-off because they start out sounding like "rectum." So, it's kind of a toss-up.
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Important Tech Question

I need help from those of you out there who know about Blogspot.
As you know, I make all my own blog banners. I like to change them often, just for fun. See the one above?
I made it last night.
But when I tried installing it, it kept coming out all fuzzy, with terrible resolution.
I kept trying over and over, and it kept looking the same.
Then I discovered to my horror that the same unacceptable lack of clarity happened no matter WHAT banner I put up there. Even banners that previously had been displayed with crisp perfect resolution were now coming up with ugly fuzzy text.
It was NOT this way previously.
What did Blogspot change? What happened?
Click on the picture below to see what the image is SUPPOSED to look like.
See the difference?
See how much fuzzier the text is up there at the top of the page, compared to when you click on the picture here?
Then when I tried out a few new backgrounds I noticed that they kept getting shrunk by about 50% when I viewed them. This happened despite the fact that I had absolutely NOT checked the "shrink to fit" box during the upload process.
It seems that the same thing is happening to my banners. Somehow they're being shrunk during the uploading, and then being stretched out again, which totally kills the resolution.
What happened? This has never happened to me before last night, and it doesn't seem to be happening to anyone else. How can I fix this?
Certainly one of you can help. Please?
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Wow, that didn't take long...

Yesterday I posted about receiving the "You Are A Little Nutty" award. I said that my goal was to someday receive the "This Person Is Obviously Having Significant Mental Issues" Award.
Voila.
Lynda made one just for me!
NOW I can start slacking off.
Finally.
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Joy in a bowl

It's official.
I'm in some kind of phase where I really really like cereal.
Earlier this evening I was eating a bowl of Rice Krispies for my dinner, and it was so good I could swear I heard angels singing along with all the SnapCracklePopping.
The strange thing is that they were singing a commercial for a local used car dealership.
But I'm sure they meant well.
They're easily stressed out this time of year, you know.
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Feel free to check out my Wordless Wednesday
posts over at Jantrails and Jantics.
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Toasted pecans sound good

I got an award!
Actually, I got the same award from two different people. Steve and Cincy Diva both apparently think I am a nut, since they gave me the "I Am A Little Nutty" award.
Thanks, guys!

Note to self: work on being MORE than just a "little" nutty. After all, there is always room for improvement. My goal is to someday receive the "This Person Is Obviously Having Significant Mental Issues" award.

It's important to have goals.
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Look what I got in the mail!

Today I got a package in the mail from Fab!
It contained three exciting things:

1) A penis bracelet
2) A camel toe ornament
3) An old license plate.

Allow me to further explain these three items.
(feel free to click on the pictures for a larger view)

First of all, if you're a fan of Fab, you know he likes making things out of Sculpey clay. One of his recent endeavors was making beaded charm bracelets where one of the beads was a penis. Here's a post where he shows four of them he made. I said I wanted the black-and-white one, and he sent it to me! Yaaay! I am wearing it right this very moment! The penis bead keeps wanting to stand straight up on my wrist, so it looks like.... well, you know.

Then Fab decided to make a few Christmas ornaments out of Sculpey. Here's the post where he displays them. Pay special attention to the "Holiday Toe" category, which contained "Mistletoe," "Hammer Toe," and, of course, "Camel Toe."
A few weeks ago he had a contest on his radio show. The contest was called "Guess what's in Mr. Fab's pants." He would put things in his pants, and if someone in the chat room could guess what it was, they got to pick one of the ornaments for themselves. I won one, and decided to choose the Camel Toe ornament. (Seriously, how could I possibly pass that up??)

And, finally, we have this.
This was Fab's actual license plate for a year or so. Here's the post where he talks about ordering it. For any of you who don't know Fab (*gasp!*), the name of his blog is "Pointless Drivel." Thus the plate.
Recently he got a new plate which says "MR FAB 1".
So, since that meant the "P DRIVEL" plate was now out of commission, I happened to mention that owning it would make me the happiest stalker on the planet. Thank you, Fab!

Wasn't that nice of him?
I swear, once he lifts that restraining order, I'm gonna drive right down there to Florida (possibly wearing adult diapers) and give him a great big hug.

What about YOU guys?
Have you done anything wonderful for YOUR stalker lately?
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Manic Monday: Ornament

Ok, maybe I AM a little obsessed with anagrams lately.
I can't stop! Help!

Do they make medication for that? Prescription or over-the-counter?
I'm willing to, you know, just try a bunch of random stuff and see if it helps.
What would happen if I mixed Nyquil, Tabasco Sauce, Prozac, and Aspirin?
Should I swallow it or make a suppository out of it?

Earlier I posted anagrams of the following blogs over at Jantrails:

More Random Than Average
It's A Blog Eat Blog World
And As The World Turns
Crazy Working Mom
Bagwine Ruminations

I also listed anagrams of these blogs over at Jantics:

Don't Wanna Hear It
Shelli's Sentiments
Wayne's World
Bluepaintred
Purrchance To Dream

I'd previously posted anagrams of Meloncutter Musings (here), Pointless Directives (here), and Get Your Blog On (here).

And then I listed 45 anagrams for Pointless Drivel (here). (My favorite one is "Evil Old Spinster." It's ME!)

It all started last week when I began with the phrase "Google Can Bite My Ass."

I can't stop.
I am a madwoman.
More so than usual, I mean.

So, with that in mind, here are some anagrams for "Manic Monday Ornament."

Annoy Romantic Madmen
Acrimony Meant "Damn, NO!"
Moron Man Can Dynamite!
Damn My Innocent Aroma
Damn Any Romantic Omen
Command Inner Anatomy
Innocent Madman Mayor
Madmen On My Carnation

In fact, um, here are some more, over at Jantics AND Jantrails.
I'm sorry.
Really I am.
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I'm not obsessed I'm not obsessed I'm not obsessed

45 Anagrams for "Pointless Drivel"

1. Evil Old Spinster
2. Deliver Snot Lips
3. Silent Red Pelvis
4. Drip Less Violent
5. Pistol Never Slid
6. Divest Penis Roll
7. Devil List Person
8. Diverse Lint Slop
9. Rod Still Pensive
10. Provide Less Lint
11. Respond Evil List
12. Stir Love Spindle
13. Revolt, Dispel Sin
14. Devise Still Porn
15. Pissed Troll Vein
16. Derive Snot Spill
17. Devil Insert Slop
18. Livid Pert Lesson
19. Pilot Less Driven
20. Insert Old Pelvis
21. Drove Until Piss
22. Snivel, Old Priest
23. Resent Livid Slop
24. Revise, Don't Spill!
25. Slid Penis Revolt
26. Silent Driven Pod
27. Drove Silent Lips
28. Drive Stolen Lips
29. Silver Penis Dolt
30. Silver Tinsel Pod
31. It's Old Silver Pen!
32. List Spider Novel
33. Sell Sprint Video
34 Solve Silent Drip
35. Stroll Penis Dive
36. Solve Tinsel Drip
37. Sold, Virile, Spent
38. Spoil Stern Devil
39. Penis Drill Stove
40. Split Solid Nerve
41. Never Piss 'Til Old
42. I'll Never Spit Sod
43. Piss Red Til Novel
44. I'll End Overt Piss
45. Rev Old Penis Slit
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Math Problem For Today

Reggie the raccoon has two older sisters and two younger sisters. Assuming he has twice as many brothers who are older, and half as many second cousins who are younger, how many of them will get run over by tractors this year?

Musical Afterglow

Our concert was Friday night!
And I have to say things went pretty well. No concert is ever perfect, and there are some notes I would've liked to have tweaked, but overall I'm pleased and relieved.
Remember that one of the pieces we played was one I'd composed. Things went well enough that I'm thinking of perhaps writing something for the next concert too. I dunno if it will be for the entire ensemble or just a smaller subgroup. We'll see. I feel inspired!
During intermission, someone came up to tell me how much he enjoyed the piece I'd written.
It was my old band director from high school!
I graduated from high school in 1988, so he and I hadn't seen each other in a long time.
After the concert, another guy came up to tell me he liked my playing (I had a couple solos). It was the the chairman of the music department at Hillsdale College-- and he's a french horn player!
I am overwhelmed with the kind responses from everyone I spoke to.
I really had a wonderful time.
Please give me a few moments to bask in the afterglow.
(I don't have to wear sunscreen for that, do I?)
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What, you thought I was kidding?

So far I've gotten three orders from my Manic Monday post.
Wayne asked for two items: The post-it note full of meaningless gibberish, and the two squares of toilet paper. I mailed his stuff out on Tuesday, and he left me a comment here to let me know that it arrived today!
Hooray!

Next, Metalmom wants the toilet paper and the tissue from my bra. No problem! That will go out soon as well.

Finally, Fab decided he wanted one of everything. So, soon I will be mailing him a package containing cat hair, dryer lint, a tissue from my bra, a piece of a Taco Bell wrapper cut into a heart shape, used kitty litter, a post-it note full of meaningless gibberish, and two squares of TP.

Everyone wanted toilet paper! That surprised me.
Is it rare where you guys live?
Should I be stocking up and selling it on E-Bay?
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Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen anagrams for "Get Your Blog On"

1, Robot Gone Ugly
2. Long Booty Urge
3. Bygone Rug Tool
4. Yogurt Bone Log
5. Geology Bun Rot
6. Toggle Your Nob
7. Born, Got Eulogy
8. Bungle Orgy Too
9. Toy Lung Goober
10. Gurgle Onto Boy
11. Oblong Toy Urge
12. Urgent Logo Boy
13. One Glob Yogurt
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(Stay Tuned; YOUR blog may be next!!!)

Thursday 13 on my other blogs:
Jantrails: 13 anagrams for "Pointless Directives"
Jantics: 13 anagrams for "Meloncutter Musings"

I bet they taste like chicken

It is three in the morning and I am craving tacos.
I just thought I should share that with you, in case some of you want to deliver some to my front door.
Please include lots of hot sauce.

Going along with that Mexican theme, here are five things that have probably never been included in a burrito.

1) Penguins
2) Valium
3) Motor oil
4) Envelopes
5) Gumballs

I have to say, though, at three in the morning, a nice hot penguin burrito is starting to sound pretty damn good.
Penguin chalupas....
Penguin nachos...

Pardon my drooling.
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Slightly coherent thoughts

1. There is never a good time to hear a cat throwing up.
2. When I am sleep deprived, green is very very pretty and I think it might be my friend but I'm afraid to ask just in case it secretly plans to avoid me and reject my love.
3. My neighbor's dogs bark too much.
4. I'm surprised I didn't get many orders from yesterday's post.
5. In my sleep there is a big mattress-sized robot made of old shredded socks and wadded up foil wrappers from Hershey's kisses. His name is Benny and he never quite works the way he's supposed to. But he does play tennis really well.
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Manic Monday: Ship

For the next three weeks, I will be offering to ship any one of the following items to you, absolutely free:

Cat hair
Dryer lint
Tissue which has been in my bra all day long
Piece of Taco Bell wrapper, cut into a heart shape
Used kitty litter
Post-it-note with meaningless gibberish written on it
Two squares of fresh new toilet paper

Make sure I have your address.
Order now, quantities are limited!
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Also, I would just like to say that if I ever get a spaceship of my very own, I hope that somewhere on board is a combination CD-player and cheese grater.
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantics: Poem about catalog shopping
Jantrails: My ancestor the pirate
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Welcome to Michigan!

I would just like to announce that in the past 24 hours we have gotten the following:

rain
sleet
snow
freezing rain
thunder
lightning

... And I STILL like it better than summer.
If I had to choose between this and the miserable August heat with humidity and sunbeams so bright they turn the inside of my car into a bed of hot coals...
Yup.
Bring on the ice and slush, baby.
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Pardon me for a moment....

Last night I spent some time wistfully going through catalogs.
Oh, I know I can't afford to actually order anything from them, but still I imagined it anyway.
The first catalog was Goldspot, which sells fountain pens. I love fountain pens. I love them so much that soon my "goldspot" had turned into a "wet spot". (I like to call Goldspot my favorite "g-spot". Well, ok, second favorite.)
The pen you see pictured here is a Conway Stewart Churchill Burgundy Blush Extra Fine Point Fountain Pen. Its usual price is $650.00, but Goldspot currently has it for $519.00.
Then there was Figi's. I think I ordered from them ONCE, years ago, and they've insisted on sending me a catalog at least twice a year ever since. Gotta love their optimism. I also get similar catalogs from Swiss Colony. They love tempting me with pictures of delicious things I can not afford.
So before I fell asleep, I spent awhile curled up in bed, ogling pictures of Waterman pens and Pelikan pens and Ferrari pens (and much more), along with pictures of pepper jack cheese and hot pepper swiss cheese and sharp cheddar cheese and spicy jerky sticks and BBQ ribs and chocolate-covered everything and dobosh tortes and--
Oops.
Another wet spot....

Sorry about that.
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UPDATE: look what's hitting me tonight!
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