Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thirteen things I won't be able to do after I turn 38 tomorrow

1) Travel to Saturn
2) Breathe fire and acid upon my enemies
3) Travel backward in time
4) Speak Icelandic
5) Change urine into liquid gold
6) Breathe while immersed in Italian dressing
7) Paint a replica of the Sistine Chapel ceiling on my driveway
8) Cure leprosy
9) Explain trigonometry
10) Read the Encyclopedia Britannica in 30 minutes or less
11) Magically transport myself to Florida by closing my eyes really tight and saying "Go Gators!"
12) Enjoy the smell of sauerkraut
13) Date a leprechaun
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I take some small comfort in realizing that I couldn't do any of these things before I turned 38 either.
.

14 comments:

Meloncutter said...

Well, I think you are not completely accurate in your assessment of what you won't be able to do.

In reference to number 2, wait until menopause hits. Trust me.

I have a spouse that never thought she could do that either.

Later Y'all.

Angry said...

And you won't be able to truthfully say you're 37.
(But not being 21 didn’t stop you from saying you were for all those years.)

Mr. Fabulous said...

Well, you can't do any of those things now. So it should be a rather smooth transition.

Wayne said...

#12? Really? I love Sauerkraut!

Mo said...

1. Could you travel to Saturn before tomorrow?
2. Just how many enemies do you have, anyway? Besides the ketchup-counting drive-thru boy?
3. Are we talking like into last week, or are we talking like back into some eventful time in history?
4. Yarkaboodle. That means "No more ketchup for you, lady" in Icelandic drive-thru speak.
5. Of course, then gold would be as worthless as piss...
6. You would need gills that filter out the mystery little floaty red bits that are in Italian dressing.
7. Your driveway has a ceiling?
8. Surely you could cure leprosy by tomorrow. Or at least snap off the really bad parts and hide them to make a nice birthday presentation.
9. Don't worry, NO ONE can explain that shit.
10. Hell, it takes me almost that long just to type Encyclopedia Brittanica...
11. You have to add jerky. As in, "Go Gator Jerky!"
12. Mmmm.... sauerkraut. So, you're saying you don't want me to do a pork & sauerkraut meal when you come to visit?
13. Hey - you could store him in your bra! That would be cool - keeping your boyfriend right next to the A-1 bottle!

Becky said...

happy new year's eve to ya!!

Lynda said...

I have been changing urine to liquid gold for years now. What do you mean you can't do it?

the teach said...

Janna, can't you just relax? Huh? :)

Pand0ra Wilde said...

I refuse to concede that science will not give us a way to breathe fire and acid upon others. After all, who knows what atmospheres will be discovered out in space in the next 10 years?

Yeah, I've been breathing lye fumes again--makes me squirrely.

Mimi Lenox said...

Standing. Clearing throat. Singing the Happy Birthday Song. Dress blows up. I go home.

You have such an imagination, Janna. I loved this post. And seriously, Happy Birthday!!

Travis said...

On the bright side, you'll have way more time to do lots of other stuff, like...

...you could learn to gargle peanut butter.

...you could go back to the drive thru and flirt with the ketchup guy.

...you could build a castle out of toothpicks, complete with a working drawbridge and a real moat.

...you'll have way more time to contemplate how much better age 38 is than age 39.

Wait...that last one probably isn't helping, is it? Sorry about that. I'll try to think of more wacky oddball stuff you can do with all that free time you're going to have.

Janna said...

Meloncutter: So there's still hope for me?

Angry: Were you watching?

Mr. Fab: That's what I said!

Wayne: Gack!!

Morgen: You crack me up!!!!

Becky: Happy belated New Years Eve to you too. ...?

Lynda: It must be an Indiana thing.

Teach: Um, this was MEANT as a humorous post...

Pand0ra: Watch out for the lye! It'll getcha!

Mimi: Thanks for the song! Why did your dress blow up?

Travis: I'm going to need to print that out and make a checklist...

Julie said...

But you'll always have your sense of humor, huh?

Janna said...

Julie: At least until I become senile, yes! :)