Things my new cat has not yet destroyed:
* The silverware
* The ceiling
* My left kidney
* Certain moons orbiting Jupiter
* Telemarketers
* This computer (although he TRIED!!)
* Oprah
* The structural integrity of at least three elements
* Any mice at all
* The Hope Diamond
* Aliens
* Your ability to comment and beg him to leave my left kidney alone
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"What's that sound?" Janna asked, startled.
"I don't hear anything. Is it your phone?"
"No."
"Is the new cat you adopted destroying something in the other room?"
"Probably, but that's not it."
"Is it the sound of your youth slowly draining away because your birthday is Friday and you're--"
"Ahh. Yes. That must be it."
The enemy appeared within seconds, crawling out from behind the sofa.
"Now's my chance," thought Kittles. "I shall make the intruder pay."
And, just as Muggy bent over to lick himself, the ambush occurred.
WHAM!
ROWR!
HISS!
FFFTTT!!
"STOP FIGHTING!" Shouted the human from some other room.
Both cats reluctantly growled, waiting until next time.
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_.-. .-._.-. .-._.-. .-._.-. .-._.-. .-._.-. .-._.-. .-._
As you probably know if you hang around here much (or if you read this, this, and this, my beloved cat Brynden passed away on December 20th.
I've been perusing the MANY cats available for adoption at the local Humane Society, (there are over 240 there!!!) and I think I've found one I really like.
The cat is about 8 years old and is very tame and easygoing.
Color/Coat: full size shorthaired adult cat, white with black spots.
I plan to adopt on Friday, January 4th.
The next trick will be the introduction to my other cat (Honeynut), who I have had for 17 years.
I expect the usual kitty comedy-tragedy opera of fighting and hissing and arguing about who's who.
After an acceptable amount of time has passed, I expect they will be good friends.
(Maybe a few weeks or months... that's how long it's taken in the past, anyway.)
I'm still trying to think of a good name for the new cat.
Let me know if you have any suggestions. :)
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"So, our human is sick in bed with a migraine today."
I turn 42 on Wednesday.
Apparently my cats chose to celebrate this by killing a mouse and hiding the body. They love me so much that they timed it perfectly so the decomposing carcass would start stinking JUST in time.
It's the thought that counts.
Those of us who read those hilarious Douglas Adams books know that 42 is apparently the "answer" to the great question of Life, The Universe, And Everything.
I'm waiting.
(While I'm waiting, can someone pass the Febreze?)
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1. If they made chocolate-flavored aspirin, I might enjoy my headaches more.
2. My cats' hair gets everywhere. Everywhere. When the Hubble telescope sends us new pictures, I fully expect to see cat hair in other galaxies.
3. There's a guy over in China with no arms-- and he can probably play the piano better than you can. Try not to become too discouraged about that.
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Here I am! I didn't abandon you.
Not permanently, anyway.
I had a nice time with my family and am currently full of nachos.
Things I would like to say to various people and things I saw over the past four days:
1. To the lady who rode her bike right out into traffic without even LOOKING to see if any cars were around: You're very lucky you didn't get hit. Pay attention.
2. To the Chinese buffet where I ate on Friday: Your food is not all that great. But this pales in comparison to how dirty your bathroom was. I shudder to think of how dirty the kitchen must be.
3. To my cats: Thank you for not completely destroying the house while I was gone.
4. Also to my cats: Is that smell what I think it is?
5. To the "Family Restaurant" where I ate on Saturday: That was NOT a chimichanga. That was a wet burrito. Chimichangas are fried. Crispy. Trust me on this. That was a burrito in a soft flour tortilla. AND it wasn't very good either.
6. To the weekend traffic in large cities: You're trying to kill us all, aren't you?
7. To the Mexican place where I ate on Sunday: YES. That was awesome. Even if the salsa was so wussy that someone could rub it on a paper cut and not feel a thing.
8. It's good to be back. :)
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My cat just barfed up a giant hairball on the kitchen floor.
I'd post more, but I'm too busy procrastinating about cleaning it up.
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Advice from my cats:
1) Always poop in the box. Well, usually. Maybe.
2) Purr when you're petted, so people know they're doing it right.
3) There is no such thing as too much sleep. Go on. Try it.
4) Don't be afraid to act crazy for no reason.
5) You might be spayed/neutered, but you can still dream.
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1. Move to Florida
2. Buy a year's supply of hot chocolate
3. Build snowman and drizzle yellow food coloring in various spots just to make people wonder.
4. Avoid slipping and falling on my butt
5. Convince loved ones to send me crates full of fruit for no reason
6. Make snowballs with various hairstyles, using black and orange cat hair
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How much hair can a cat shed
before it is technically no longer a cat?
I'm not sure what the answer is, but I swear it's spread across my sofa.
And my carpet.
And my bed.
And...
.
1. Gas prices are rising again. It picked this weekend to reach the highest it's been in a long time because THAT'S when I'll need to refill my tank.
2. My feet stink. What happened? I thought women's feet were supposed to smell like flowers or potpourri or something.
3. Cheap pizza tends to taste like cheap pizza.
4. My cats stubbornly refuse to grow opposable thumbs so they can scoop their own poop.
5. Still having ridiculous ISP trouble. Lousy service. Ignorant employees. Where's the mafia when I need them? This has been going on for a whole week already!
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It's Friday night.
Here is a list of the exciting things I've done so far.
1. Emptied the litter box
2. Played anagram word games on Facebook
3. Took a nap
I feel an urge to at least drive somewhere and do something, so I can reassure the world that I'm still alive. (I like to delude myself into believing people worry about that sort of thing).
Anyone have any suggestions?
.
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1. Levitate
2. Find inner peace
3. Fart in a library
4. Remember that cats can't understand English
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I had Friday off, and of course I have Saturday and Sunday off.
Friday's winter storm made it unwise to go out driving around for no reason, so.... I've been sitting here at home, slowly marinating in my bathrobe, trying to maintain a semi-reasonable level of sanity.
Here are some things I've done to keep myself busy:
1. Feebly attempt to keep the cats from wrecking the place. I only had limited success with this one. They laughed in my general direction, and I still felt compelled to feed them anyway. This is known as "being a sucker cat lover".
2. Respond to blog comments, wondering if people ever actually go back and read what I said.
3. Consider creating a new language, through which I may communicate with radishes and porcupines. They might have the solution to global warming. Or they can at least tell me what happened to all the socks I keep losing.
4. Made more flair for that Facebook thingy.
5. Wonder if it's possible to make a cake shaped like a bottle of hand sanitizer... and if anyone has ever tried to do so, and what the occasion was. ("Congratulations, Billy, on being slightly-less-germy for a whole month now!")
6. Craved a really good mushroom-and-swiss burger... with a dish of macaroni and cheese on the side. I craved it so much that I briefly considered actually making it myself. :)
Then, of course, I came to my senses, and went back to talking to the radishes.
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Despite the stereotype of cats happily drinking a saucer of milk, some cats are actually lactose intolerant.
My cats would gladly tell you the whole sordid tale, if they weren't all busy licking their butts clean.
I have therefore learned that from now on, their only beverage will be water.
Rather than delve into the whole ugly story and all its accompanying sights, sounds, and smells, I will just say this: cat diarrhea is very sloppy indeed.
Thank god for clumping kitty litter.
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