Me, rambling on about Twitter and Mike Mills

If you've been with me for very long, you know a few things about me.

1.  I love hot sauce, and there is no such thing as too hot.

2.  As a french horn player, I have had many unsavory thoughts about John Philip Sousa, who obviously had many unsavory thoughts about french horn players, judging from the kind of brain-dead parts he always wrote for us.

3.  I am an R.E.M. fan, in much the same way that lungs enjoy oxygen.  I even have a Tumblr blog which features nothing but R.E.M.-related things.  You've heard me post all that squishy geeky love for Mike Mills, right?  Sure you have.

So imagine my curiosity when I was doing my daily websurfing and happened to discover that Mike Mills is one of the many human beings who currently Twitters.  I decided to click the "follow" button.  It occurs to me that 20 years ago, if you made arrangements to keep close tabs on someone's personal updates, you might be labeled a stalker or at least a mentally-unbalanced individual.  Now, in the techno-joy of the modern age, we can all sit in our bathrobes drinking diet coke while keeping tabs on as many celebrities as we like-- and it's simply called "Being Connected To Social Media".
Yay for progress, I guess.

Anyway, it also occurred to me that after I clicked that "follow" button, Mike probably got a notification that he'd received a new follower.
Assuming he has a ton of time on his hands and the inclination to click on the link to my own twitter page, he'd see a link to this blog, the Jannaverse.  And if he has even further time and inclination, he might be reading this very post, and might even have clicked on that link to my Tumblr blog.

Yikes.

I know, I know.  It probably won't happen, in much the same way that you "probably" won't get hit by lightning in your lifetime.

Still, yay for social media.
I guess.

P.S. Mike, if a miracle has happened, and you actually are reading this, I swear I'm 92% harmless. It's ok.  Unless you write french horn parts the same way John Philip Sousa did.

Especially if the iguana hates broccoli

Six Ancient Twitters I did back in 2009:

My back hurts. Feels like 127 gnomes had a mosh pit on my spine while I slept. And the music's not even that great.

1:31 PM Aug 30th, 2009

Tacos are the best thing in the world. Never mind all that oxygen stuff. Forget sunlight and water. Bah. It's tacos. Really. Would I lie?

11:18 PM Sep 9th, 2009

Wondering what it would be like to eat fried chicken in the cemetery.

4:40 PM Sep 11th, 2009

Magic broccoli farts. If they were any worse they would be fireworks. Green ones.

8:24 PM Sep 15th,  2009

Road construction is approximately as annoying as finding an iguana in your underwear. Again.

5:40 PM Sep 30th, 2009

Sigh. Four socks go into the laundry, three come out.

7:51 PM Oct 2nd, 2009

Rest assured that I did finally shower before 2010 arrived

Seven Ancient Twitters I did back in 2009:

Feels like there is a rhinoceros parked on my bladder.
6:46 AM Jul 3rd, 2009

Maybe my laundry will do itself if I just sit here and think happy thoughts.
12:51 AM Jul 17th, 2009

Time is dragging like an ant trying to pull a yacht.
2:40 PM Aug 4th, 2009

I need a shower even more than Paris Hilton needs her virginity back.
6:26 PM Aug 5th, 2009

Still waiting for winter. It's really hard to make snow angels in mud puddles. Which reminds me, will someone please loofah my back?
6:36 PM Aug 18th, 2009

I need a shower so bad that the environmentalists are on my porch wearing hazmat suits. How rude of them.
8:13 PM Aug 23rd, 2009

So If I was to ooze into the sewer and make friends with mutants, is there a particular dress code I have to keep in mind? Slime? Scales?
9:54 PM Aug 23rd, 2009
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I hate the holidays. A lot.

Ten ancient Twitters from 2009

It's late.
I'm tired.
Monday is coming.
Here, read some Twitters I did two years ago.
In another hundred years, they might actually be worth something.


Thinking of putting some pants on and going outside. Hopefully in that order.
4:03 PM Jun 14th, 2009

Sneezing, coughing, blowing my nose, and spreading germs to the four corners of the earth. Let me know if I missed you. I'll try harder.
9:22 PM Jun 14th, 2009

It's Friday and I am covered in Szechuan sauce. Don't ask.
4:38 PM Jun 19th, 2009

Today 93% of my fun came from drinking cold bottled water while I had a menthol cough drop in my mouth. Wow. I need to get out more.
10:34 PM Jun 20th, 2009

Thursday night I bought peaches, apples, and kumquats. I feel fruitier already.
12:51 AM Jun 26th, 2009

Watching a guy root around under the hood of his car, trying to fix something-- with a lit cigarette in his mouth. OMG.
4:44 PM Jun 26th, 2009

Details are perhaps best left to the imagination, but I would like to take this moment to say that cracker crumbs can be very, very itchy.
1:25 AM Jun 28th, 2009

I wonder if anyone's ever tried to deep-fry an aspirin.
12:21 AM Jun 30th, 2009

Doing crossword puzzles while the rain washes all the bird poop off my car.
1:39 PM Jul 1st, 2009
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(If, after all this, you still want to follow me on Twitter, here I am.)
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How I spent my Friday afternoon

Friday I was in the mood to go out and DO something instead of just driving home and vegetating.

Don't get me wrong, vegetating is great 83% of the time, but that day I wanted to just... I dunno, to DO something.

I was listening to our local radio station, which mentioned that a local deli-type place was selling BBQ ribs that day.
I remembered that same station had mentioned another local business which sold chocolate-covered espresso beans. (It's a combination music store and coffee shop. Yeah. I dunno.)

So I went and bought some BBQ ribs to go, parked in a semi-picturesque place, and loudly-noisily-sloppily ate my dinner while enjoying the bright sunny day.

Then I went to the music store and bought half a pound of chocolate covered espresso beans.
(Eight bucks for half a pound?!!!)

I drove out to the lake and parked near the shore, enjoying the lovely scenery while popping chocolate covered caffeine bombs into my system.

It was nice.

I twittered a brief summary of my lovely experience and watched the lake. People were fishing and water-skiing. On shore, a group of Canadian geese were congregating and discussing the most effective ways to cover the planet in goose poop.


It was a nice time.
After the caffeine particles convinced me I had an imaginary friend who played the bagpipes and loved drinking rocket fuel through a straw shaped like the upper part of Idaho, I drove home. My brain cells may or may not have been vibrating at the same frequency as Russian satellites.

So.... how was YOUR weekend?
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Try not to be distracted by my snoring

Here are more of my ancient Twitters, which I have craftily recycled so as to avoid actual blogging work today.
(That sounded a lot better before I actually said it. Fortunately I'm too tired to feel regret.)

Incidentally, today is another one of those days when Twitter isn't working properly for some reason. It just gives me a blank screen. Sometimes it does that, other days it's fine.
I dunno.
I copied these from a Word document where I've saved my favorite Twitters. (I realize this probably falls somewhere on the "pathetic" scale, but fortunately I'm too tired to feel embarrassed.)

-----

I'm going to go put some pants on and eat Sun Chips in the cemetery. The salsa flavored ones. And I'll try to find someone born in 1808.
6:47 PM May 22nd, 2009

Full of fiber and bran cereal. Everybody stand back.
9:19 AM May 26th, 2009

Ahhh... Home now. Just got done practicing f-horn. My lips feel like I french-kissed a motorcycle.
5:36 PM May 29th, 2009

Backache, neck-ache, and a headache which is turning into a migraine. Do me a favor-- if the world ends today, don't tell me til tomorrow.
3:48 PM May 31st, 2009

Haiku:
Pizza for dinner. - -
Convenient pointy joy... Yum! - -
Happy meaty sigh.
4:56 PM Jun 1st, 2009

Broccoli farts.
4:00 PM Jun 2nd, 2009

If I could talk to the color blue, would he tell me to stop eating blueberries, or does he see that as more of a purple instead?
10:50 PM Jun 10th, 2009
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Tales from the Twitter crypt

Since the weather is lousy and rainy and cold right now, I'm going to settle down with a comforting beverage and a pair of cats.
For my post today, I'm totally cheating and copying some of my old Twitters that I particularly liked.
Please love me anyway. Or at least pretend.

Ancient Twitters from 2009:

My sinuses are revolting. By this I mean they are disgusting AND they have decided to revolt against me through evil snot warfare.
5:48 PM Mar 20th, 2009

BTW, today I learned if you're having sinus trouble, and if you cough & sneeze at the same time, the snotball can travel a long way indeed.
5:51 PM Mar 20th, 2009

My bladder is the size of a basketball, filled with tea. This is as close as I get to "March Madness".
9:40 PM Mar 26th, 2009

Listen! What's that sound? Ohhhh, it's gravity, saying "Janna, you ate too much pizza."
7:04 PM Mar 27th, 2009

Tonight's adventurous Friday activity: Checking to see if the milk in my fridge is too far past the expiration date. Wish me luck.
9:49 PM Mar 27th, 2009

If dogs like smelling each other's butts, why don't they make dog food that tastes like dog butts?
12:20 AM Apr 14th, 2009

Must remember to NOT drink half a gallon of tea right before bedtime. Maybe my bladder can get up and roll to the bathroom without me.
10:53 PM Apr 28th, 2009

Burger King onion rings make me fart like a motorboat.
12:47 PM May 3rd, 2009

Never mind cheese. The moon is made of Twinkies. That's why it hasn't gone bad. (Just think of all that lunar creme filling....)
12:00 AM Apr 27th, 2009

Yay! I think my headache is finally gone! You can all go back to breathing loudly again if you want to.
4:38 PM Apr 21st, 2009
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Listen! There it is again!

Over the weekend, I had a song stuck in my head.
Sadly, this song was the "Chicken Dance".
I have no clue what could have put this in my head.

Saturday afternoon I was browsing through some old Tweets I'd done, and was surprised/horrified to find that this has happened to me before. Last September 26th, I tweeted this:

So possibly in another six months, the same thing will happen.

It was embarrassing; I'd be in the middle of a store, pushing my cart around, and would suddenly realize I was humming the Chicken Dance to myself.
If this keeps up, I'll get a reputation as the crazy chicken lady.

In case you're curious, here are some other old tweets I've done:

More rain. At this rate I expect to see blue whales in my back yard soon. Too bad it's not salt water. Dead whales are hard to move.
11:17 PM Mar 10th, 2009

Olympic sport for those approaching 40: sneezing while attempting to retain control of bladder. I think I just got the bronze.
8:27 PM Mar 11th, 2009

I just realized that nothing rhymes with "lavender".
1:15 PM May 15th, 2009

So tired I could throw pink styrofoam balls at a lactose-intolerant walrus while humming the James Bond theme in a WalMart cart.
11:37 PM Jun 9th, 2009

Dripping in humidity, waiting for the thunderstorms to arrive. Better stand back; I'm holding onto something metal.
Jun 19, 2009
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It's nice to know I'm not the only flake

I don't have to go in to work today or tomorrow!
This is because we're under a winter storm warning, and might get over a foot of snow before it's all done. (I'll try not to lose anything).

I realize that's nothing compared to the unfortunate folks in Washington who have had a lot more dumped on them. And I bet you guys up in Canada are used to more, too.

Still, I'm making the best of it. It's 12:15 and I've been lounging around in my bathrobe all day. I haven't even showered yet. And I have a headache. Just picture a walking petri dish wearing a big pink bathrobe, eating Ritz Bits crackers and Excedrin while the blizzard rages on.

If band ends up being canceled tonight, I'll probably be spending the entire day at home.
With any luck I'll end up resembling a big contented slug before the day is out.

If I had more energy, my yard could look like this:

.
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Did I mention we're getting twice as much snow tomorrow?
Soon there will be "DIFTS" and I will be going "TABOOF" (if you remember your Jannapedia vocabulary.)

And I'm reminded of this Twitter I did, back in November 2008:

Imagine the new Norman Rockwell painting: Lady reading in bed, surrounded by pooping cats, while the snow falls gently outside.
--10:22 PM Nov 10th, 2008
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Remembering some more of my Twitters from 2008

It's cold enough to knock a frozen booger off a three-story penguin.
11:22 PM Jan 15th

I can't sleep! Someone tell me a story! I like the one about the 3 alligators who ate Goldilocks because she couldn't blow their house down.
10:04 PM Jan 19th

Drinking tea, watching The Price Is Right, and becoming embittered about life.
11:58 AM Jan 22nd

Luckily, one of my New Years' Resolutions was to let despair and bitterness fester in my soul. So things are working out well.
11:17 PM Jan 22nd

If I ever find a bat on my windshield, I am going to save it forever and ever.
1:00 AM Feb 4th

I wonder if penguins taste like chicken.
6:03 PM Feb 7th

Valentines Day is like the cancerous tumor in the prostate of life. Feel free to quote me.
4:35 PM Feb 14th

Looking forward to having Cheerios for breakfast tomorrow because they give me gas, which seems just about right for a Monday.
11:52 PM Feb 15th

And my throat feels like a porcupine slid down it, using a cheese grater for a sled.
8:24 AM Feb 17th

Feeling slightly better! I can breathe! Now I remember why people have been saying all those good things about oxygen.
1:22 AM Feb 21st

Note: Imaginary liver tastes just as bad as the real thing.
12:47 AM Feb 24th

Eating bean burritos and chili for lunch. Listening to my intestines rumble like a t-rex in jurassic park.
12:48 PM Mar 4th

No chicken sandwich is worth four dollars. Maybe if the breading was made of diamonds... But then it'd be hard to chew.
4:54 PM Mar 10th
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Twitters from days gone by

S..l..o.w..l...y.... c.r....a...w...l....i..n....g.. the Internet at 33.6K. Go on. Shoot me.
8:14 PM Dec 22nd, 2008

I wish snow tasted like raspberries.
12:37 AM Dec 23rd, 2008

Conducting an experiment to see if eating chocolate chip cookies will make the freezing rain go away.
9:03 PM Dec 23rd, 2008

Full of Chinese food, which apparently gives me ultra-uber-mondo-prolific gas. Go figure.
10:32 PM Dec 24th, 2008

Going to lay in bed and make up words to go along with the deafening silence. Unless that would ruin the deafening silence.
12:16 AM Dec 27th, 2008

Ow. Aagcccgghh. It feels like Katie Couric is mashing potatoes in my brain.
4:16 PM Dec 27th, 2008

Considering the possibility of putting clothes on and going to Taco Bell. Hopefully in that order.
10:36 PM Jan 2nd

Hey, now that I'm old and senile, wanna trade dentures? I'll even wipe mine off first, if you want.
7:08 PM Jan 11th

Hooray for green nail polish with pink dots! Looks like a hideous disease. I love it!
11:23 AM Jan 13th

So thirsty I could drink gravel. Hey, wait... Maybe that's the problem...
3:48 PM Jan 14th
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I plan to wake up sometime around March or April

Last June I did a post about how I'm tired all the time. I also mentioned rodents and hamster wheels in my brain, and I listed some Twitters I'd done which explained the depth of my incoherence.

Today I have more.

More incoherence AND more Twitters.


So tired I could float in a sea of espresso while dreaming of brown goldfish.
--2:23 PM Jul 1st

So tired I could curl up in an igloo and not even notice when the polar bears started nibbling.
--5:30 PM Jul 11th

So tired I could staple a mime to a chicken and fall asleep watching them try to cross the road.
--2:02 PM Jul 12th

So tired I could roll myself up in a warm flour tortilla and shout 'That's a wrap!'
--8:46 PM Jul 21st

So tired I'm talking to air fresheners.
--11:15 PM Jul 28th

Tired. Mumbling random incoherent things. Going to bed as soon as I put this next load of laundry in the dryer. Purple cricket bob salsa.
--9:41 PM Aug 13th

So tired I could curl up in a big box of styrofoam packing, and would be halfway to Tasmania before I woke up.
--11:40 PM Aug 24th

So tired I could sleep on a bed of microchips and not even notice when it re-programmed me into a toaster.
--12:46 AM Sep 4th

If I don't start going to bed sooner, I'm going to disintegrate into a pile of dust before I ever reach the ripe old age of 40.
--10:31 PM Sep 24th

Too tired to finish thi
--9:15 PM Oct 29th
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Spontaneous internal combustion narrowly avoided through Twittering

While reading through some of my old Twitters, I couldn't believe I've been Twittering for over a year and a half now.

Some people use Twitter as a serious way to update people on what's going on.
Other people (like me) use it just to be fun and silly.
Once in awhile I might really post an actual serious update of what I'm doing, but for the most part, it's just a way to quickly vent pointless nonsense. (I have to get it out of my system at regular intervals, or else I explode and there's nonsense all over the carpet. And that stuff stains.)

Here are some I did last year:

Tired and hungry. Someone please send me a pillow and a loaf of bread. Maybe i could use the bread AS a pillow.
10:17 AM Oct 28th, 2008

This has been a week of expensive car repair. Can't take much more unless i sell a kidney. Maybe a spleen.
11:05 AM Nov 7th, 2008

I wonder what rhinoceros tastes like.
10:06 PM Nov 24th, 2008

It is cold enough to deep freeze an entire ostrich.
6:32 PM Dec 4th, 2008

Going to bed soon. Don't do anything exciting while I'm gone.
10:16 PM Dec 7th, 2008

Eating cheese and crackers and thinking about penguins.
9:46 PM Dec 10th, 2008

Awaiting the gastrointestinal results of a large order of onion rings....
9:35 PM Dec 11th, 2008

Look! my blood cells are tiny microscopic ice cubes! does this mean i can chill tiny microscopic drinks?
9:35 AM Dec 15th, 2008

Oh, and BTW, snowmobiles sound like giant mutant mosquitoes racing across the frozen tundra to suck blood out of their helpless frozen prey.
9:45 PM Dec 19th, 2008

Eating cookies and peanut butter, doing so with my toes crossed so the calories don't count.
6:59 PM Dec 21st, 2008
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Note to self: Buy scented candles

Six of my Twitters from 2008,
all of which involve things that stink:

Acggghhh! I just discovered that my cats are lactose intolerant. I will never feed them milk again! Imagine the sounds of cat diarrhea.
--10:44 PM Nov 9th, 2008

Imagine the new Norman Rockwell painting: Lady reading in bed, surrounded by pooping cats, while the snow falls gently outside.
--10:22 PM Nov 10th, 2008

Onion rings for lunch. Bean tostadas for dinner. My house is filled with the gaseous aftermath. Better not come over.
--11:19 PM Nov 13th, 2008

I thought women's feet weren't supposed to stink. Am I a hybrid?
--6:17 PM Nov 20th, 2008

Made THE BEST chili last night. The farts were amazing. My eyes are still watering. Loved it.
--5:05 PM Nov 29th, 2008

Ooooh! just got some new deodorant! wanna smell my armpits? Go on. You know you want to.
--12:19 PM Dec 5th, 2008
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Too tired to wonder why there's a hamster wheel in my brain

While browsing through some of my old Twitters, I happened to notice a few recurring themes. One is that I am tired a lot.
This comes as no surprise, considering my brain often feels like it's being run by a hamster and a gerbil who are supposed to run on that little exercise wheel thingy but often end up fighting about philosophical issues instead. One of them ("Squeaky") always ends up backing down, but that's just because the other one ("Bruce") doesn't know when to just let things drop.
So the wheel never turns, and I end up standing there wondering where I left my car keys.

Where was I?
Oh. Yes.
I Twitter about being tired a lot.

And apparently I tend to search for eccentric ways to say it.

Here are some examples.

---------------------------------------------
I am so tired I could fall asleep even while being flogged with strands of fettucine alfredo. And freshly ground pepper.
--09:06 AM June 20, 2008
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I have been awake all night. It's almost 4:30 in the morning and I am so tired I could spray paint a panda. See, that made no sense.
--03:24 AM August 09, 2008
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So tired I could poke a pine tree and call it Dudley.
--6:38 PM Oct 29th, 2008
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I'm so tired i could float in a vat of split pea soup and not even notice.
--1:02 AM Dec 24th, 2008
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So tired I could drop crackers on a flamingo's hard drive. It's too late to make sense. Oh, look; there's my bed....
--11:24 PM Jan 6th, 2009
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So tired I can't even throw strawberry jello into a ceiling fan. Which is good, 'cuz I wouldn't be able to move out of the way fast enough.
--12:30 AM Mar 16th, 2009
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So tired I could throw pink styrofoam balls at a lactose-intolerant walrus while humming the James Bond theme in a WalMart cart.
--June 9th, 2009
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One solution could be to clone myself, so I can make my copies do all the tiring stuff.
But, that wouldn't be a good idea. (I've seen Multiplicity; I know how these things turn out.)

I suppose I could try taking a multivitamin or something. I have a whole bottle of them right here; I just almost always forget to take any. (Tired AND forgetful. And... wait... what was I saying..?)

Another possibility could be to eat more chocolate, which has caffeine in it.
Ahhhh...
Let the healing begin.
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I'm all better now, thanks for asking

Thirteen Twitters I Did Last Fall When I Was Sick:

I am so hungry I could eat a zebra. Why are there no zebras in my house? Where is everything?
2:53 AM Sep 19th, 2008

My cat is staring at me, as if he expects something really important to happen soon. Does he know something I don't?
12:34 AM Sep 21st, 2008

I have lost my voice! my throat feels like sandpaper.
1:49 PM Sep 24th, 2008

Oooh, now, in addition to not having a voice, I am coughing and sneezing and filled with copious amounts of snot. Copious amounts!!
7:09 PM Sep 24th, 2008

Just call me 'Cough Drop Breath'.
3:45 AM Sep 25th, 2008

If I accidentally sneeze on you, can we still be friends?
7:26 PM Sep 26th, 2008

I can't taste anything! Or smell anything! Is this cardboard or chicken? Tea or a urine sample? Blindfold me and I can't tell!
7:30 PM Sep 26th, 2008

Tired, alone, thirsty, poor, and contagious.
11:10 AM Sep 28th, 2008

One of the oil change guys just said 'Hey, is that a french horn in your back seat?' ... Why yes, yes it is
3:24 PM Sep 29th, 2008

My sinuses feel like that foam insulation stuff that rapidly expands and fills every possible crevice before solidifying into a solid lump.
4:42 PM Oct 1st, 2008

For a small fee, I will gladly cough and sneeze on your enemies.
4:44 PM Oct 1st, 2008

This is my 300th twitter tweet! I'm going to celebrate by taking more cough drops and decongestants, and maybe hacking up my other lung.
12:17 PM Oct 3rd, 2008

I have learned that decongestants do NOTHING for my sinuses, but they do make my eyeballs feel like cotton puffs.
9:14 PM Oct 4th, 2008
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Just think how much more exciting I'll be when I turn 40 next year

It's Friday night and I'm too tired to do much of anything. I will, however, make a trip to the store soon so I can buy the ingredients for my custom-made batch of hot flaming Chex Mix.
People across the planet are having exciting, fun-filled Fridays, and here I am looking forward to my next nap.
Here, read these instead. They're a handful of Twitters I did last October.


It's raining, I have gas, I'm thirsty, and I am wearing pink.
2:45 PM Oct 15th, 2008

Dinner was a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles! Am I the world's greatest chef or what?!
10:59 PM Oct 15th, 2008

Drinking tea in the cemetery. Just had nachos. There are leaves on the tombstones. Let's breathe!
4:36 PM Oct 17th, 2008

I wish I was a leaf. Well, all except for the part about dying, falling down, and rotting.
4:56 PM Oct 17th, 2008

Let's drink tea and make fun of squirrels! They won't mind.
4:31 PM Oct 18th, 2008

Ahhh. Just got out of the shower. Now I'm clean. You may approach me without fear.
10:38 PM Oct 26th, 2008
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Consider yourself twitterized

I believe in recycling. Well, at least I believe in recycling my favorite old Twitters. Here are thirteen of them I did last August and September.
If any of you are on Twitter, feel free to follow me if you'd like.
Or you could choose to just run screaming in the opposite direction. I'll try not to take it personally.
.............................

The world is a strange and mysterious place. On the bright side, though, we do have nachos. 6:46 PM Aug 29th, 2008

Exhausted and ready to sleep, if my brain will let me. Anyone have some tranquilizer darts I can borrow? 2:08 AM Aug 31st, 2008

I wish I had some fluorescent crayons so I could randomly color pages in the phone book. 7:27 PM Sep 1st, 2008

Life is slightly better while eating ice cream. 4:51 PM Sep 4th, 2008

I smell a skunk. 9:28 PM Sep 6th, 2008

Why do skunks always remind me of burnt popcorn? 9:29 PM Sep 6th, 2008

So, wait, lemme get this straight... people usually SLEEP at four-thirty in the morning, right? 3:24 AM Sep 11th, 2008

Tired, thirsty, and staring at pine trees. No reason. 5:37 PM Sep 11th, 2008

It's raining outside, really hard. I need a shower. It's the middle of the night; would anyone really notice if I just went out there naked? 1:43 AM Sep 13th, 2008

There is noplace nearby where I can get spaghetti and meatballs at 11 in the evening. I find this very sad. 9:58 PM Sep 14th, 2008

So if I keep my cell phone in my bra, is it beaming radio waves directly into my heart? 10:00 PM Sep 14th, 2008

I wish I could reach into my bra and magically produce money. 5:42 PM Sep 17th, 2008

It would also be nice if I could reach into my underwear and magically produce money . But then I'd want to wash it first. 5:44 PM Sep 17th, 2008
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Thirteen More Twitters from Days Gone By

1) I have been awake all night. It's almost 4:30 in the morning and I am so tired I could spray paint a panda. See, that made no sense. 03:24 AM August 09, 2008

2) I wish grapefruit flavored gummi bears existed. 12:46 AM August 12, 2008

3) My blog is two years old. You'd think it'd be potty-trained by now. 02:39 AM August 13, 2008

4) I love tea. Tea tea tea. I am obsessed with tea. Tea. Is it tea time yet? You know, you could probably shut me up by giving me some tea. 06:20 PM August 13, 2008

5) So tired. I don't even have enough energy to crush a gnat. 12:37 AM August 15, 2008

6) I do, however, apparently still have the energy to fart loud enough to make the cats stare. 12:38 AM August 15, 2008

7) Drinking tea in the cemetery at sunset. I brought cookies, too! Come join me! 07:29 PM August 17, 2008

8) Apparently there's this thing called "sleep" that people do now and then. I'm curious. It sounds lovely. Maybe someday I'll get to try it. 03:31 AM August 19, 2008

9) My feet stink. Just thought you should know. 07:46 PM August 19, 2008

10) Watching Popeye cartoons and realizing that Bluto looks just like Avitable. 04:23 AM August 23, 2008

11) I'm home! Home home home! Did you miss me? (NOTE: This is where you lie convincingly and say "Yes") 12:04 PM August 23, 2008

12) In a parking lot, listening to the radio, full of tea and chalupas. Later on I will be peeing AND farting. 09:38 PM August 23, 2008

13) Humidity is evil. Sorta like tailgaters covered in chunky rotten milk 4 months past the exp date. With a cat turd on top. And taxes. 09:55 PM August 23, 2008
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