Drowning in my tepee

Lately I've been drinking a lot of hot tea.
I've tried regular boring tea, as well as green tea, white tea, red tea, black tea, and probably other colors too.
At work I have one of those electric kettle things which can quickly boil a pot of water. All day long I'm making tea and drinking tea and peeing, and repeating the process.

My bladder is currently the size of a Volkswagen.

I've been trying to find tea flavors I really LOVE.
So far I like Celestial Seasonings' True Blueberry, Lemon Zinger, and Peppermint the best. Earl Grey is also good (possibly because it reminds me of Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek).

There are also flavors that have literally made me cringe, like Stash's "Strawberry Pomegranate", Bigelow's "Raspberry Chrysanthemum," and almost anything by Tazo.
(Chrysanthemum tea? Really?)

Do any of you have "favorite" tea flavors I should try? (or avoid?)

If it's really true that herbal tea is good for you, I think I should probably be developing superpowers by next Friday.
I hope I get to fly. It will save me a ton of gas money.
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Q: Did you hear about the Indian who drank five gallons of iced tea?

A: They found him the next morning, drowned in his tepee.
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(P.S. After less than a minute of Googling, I learned that it's equally acceptable to spell it as "tepee," "teepee," or "tipi".)
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Hopefully none of my readers are mutant spiders

I was tired here, and I was tired here... I was also tired here... and probably here too.
I even Twittered about being tired, and posted lists of all those Twitters here and here.
I'm still tired.

My new favorite phrase (which I re-discovered in one of those posts I just linked to) is "So tired I could rip the ninth leg off a mutant spider."

Just to make sure you all remain 100% up-to-date on how tired I am, here's the current list of additional Things I Am Too Tired To Do Right Now:

1. Figure out why cold weather makes me have to pee twice as often
2. Make pizza from scratch
3. Buy light bulbs
4. Make up a joke involving an ostrich, a polar bear, and a box of Wheat Thins.
5. Paint a picture of Barney The Dinosaur skydiving with a faulty parachute (but I can still dream).

Ahhh. Time for my nap.
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And he would be brought to you by the letter "J"

If I could design
My own little Muppet
He'd be a serene
(Maybe green) little puppet
Instead of cavorting
With Kermit the Frog
His job (so rewarding!)
Involves this old log
Which he'll use to clobber everyone who hates my poetry but he'll do it in a really cute way and...
Wait... this doesn't rhyme...
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Things That Are Naturally Fat-Free

1. Blankets
(but not pigs in blankets).

2. Planets
(every one except ours).

3. Teddy Bears
(If only they didn't take so long to bake...)

4. Hand Sanitizer
(Have the most germ-free digestive tract ever!)

5. Driveway Gravel
(Unless your car has an oil leak)

6. Dictionary
(Well, you first have to rip out that page in the "F" section...)

7. Sawdust
(Which is probably why most "diet" breads taste like they feature it prominently)

8. Cell Phones
(Unless you've been texting while eating pepperoni pizza)

9. The rocket launcher I always consider aiming at people who tailgate me, much like a stunt you'd see in a James Bond film with some high-energy music in the background which reaches its apex when the car soars off the edge of an ominously high cliff and explodes as it hits the bottom.
(Have a nice day.)
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Wordless Wednesday

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Seven Ways To Use A Grapefruit

1. The secret weapon in a snowball fight

2. Put it in your bra to make it look like you grew a third boob overnight

3. Hang it from a large pole as a warning to other citrus fruit

4. Thread it on a really big rope and offer it as a necklace for your favorite giant

5. Throw it at someone who persists in singing off-key

6. Sell it for $5,000.00 to someone starving in the desert

7. Draw a face on it, name it Herman, and explain to Herman why you're still sad that Pluto isn't a planet anymore.
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Things the letters DIET could stand for

Donut Icing: Extremely Tasty
Don’t Ingest Extra Turnovers
Disgusting! Ick! Eggplant’s Terrible!
Demented Individuals Eat Tripe
Dig Into Eclairs Today
Delicious! I’m Eating Tacos!
Dairy: It's Expiring Tonight
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I'm on day eight right now

My socks will keep my feet so warm
And block an angry hornet swarm
They're made of cotton blend, I think
When worn for seven days, they stink
This poem is really not my best
As some of you can (please) attest
At least be filled with sheer delight
That it won't give you parasites
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So, um, Bambi might be limping the next time you see him...

On the way home today, I saw something odd in the middle of the road.
I did a double take and actually turned back around to drive past it again and make sure it really was what I thought.
It was a deer leg.
Not even the whole leg, either; just the "elbow" on down to the hoof.
The rest of the deer was nowhere to be found.
Kind of sad.
Maybe a scavenger/predator bit off the leg somewhere else and dragged it to the middle of the road and then lost interest?

Things I still haven't seen in the middle of the road:

1. A crocodile eating something blue
2. Precious antiquities from 1311 a.d.
3. My left kidney
4. Your spleen
5. Paris Hilton's dignity
6. Three pounds of Swiss cheese
7. A senator
8. Prescription for something related to cholesterol
9. An intelligent squirrel
10. Coupon for $1.00 off my next purchase at Taco Bell
11. Policeman offering to arrest everyone who tailgates me
12. Anything that rhymes with "rutabaga"
13. All the socks I lose every time I do laundry
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Wordless Wednesday

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Combination Stains I Have Never Had On My Pants

1. Mustard and Motor Oil
2. Cherry Kool-Aid and Pond Algae
3. Melted Blue Crayon and Ketchup
4. Wet Compost and Strawberry Soda
5. Italian Dressing and Transmission Fluid
6. Gold Nail Polish and Chocolate Syrup
7. Taco Sauce and White-Out
8. Antifreeze and French Fry Grease
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I'll be over here in the corner making a cabin out of bacon

I spent most of the evening laying in bed with a headache, since there's a nasty weather front moving through. (And, I might add, a winter storm which will dump a bunch of snow on us by Monday night. But oh well. It's Michigan, right?)

Guess what! It's Sunday! The very last day of my pointless self-imposed week of vegetarianism! I can almost hear the bacon cheeseburgers clawing at my front door.

At least I hope that's what that is.

Thank you, to all of you who put up with my little experiment yet again. As most of you know, this is my second foray into vegetarianism. Even though the first try (last year) didn't go badly at all, I was surprised by how much more smoothly this time went. I was at peace with the whole thing and didn't really have any super-strong cravings. My brain knew it was only a one-week thing. :)
Last time I really, really wanted BBQ ribs. (Real ones, not fake monstrosities). This time I'm sort of looking forward to a bacon double cheeseburger, but it's a mild desire instead of an insistent urge.

Thank you also to Grace, who commented that my menus looked healthful. I agree. I went out of my way to choose high-fiber multi-grains (buns, tortillas, crackers). I ate fresh fruit (grapefruits, pears, kiwi, kumquats, raspberries), yogurt, veggie burgers (which I really liked), herbal tea, and... well, you get the idea. Yes, there were occasional indulgences like fries or ice cream, but they were the exception, and I think it's important to let yourself have indulgences like that sometimes.

Also, I don't know if any of you noticed this or not, but I made it through the entire week without eating even one salad. I'm oddly proud of that. Not that I dislike salad, but I wanted to prove it's possible to be vegetarian without being a salad-hound.

No offense to any of you who may or may not currently be salad hounds. :)

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Brunch:
Raspberries
Kiwi fruit
Raw Habanero pepper (!)
Breaded mushrooms w/trio of dipping sauces
(spicy lemongrass, sweet barbecue, and hot chili garlic)

Afternoon snack:
Chocolate mousse

Dinner:
Amy's Organic Pesto Tortellini
Veggie burgers on multigrain buns
Glass of milk

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Now pass the bacon.
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The oxymoron of meatless ribs

Today I tried the Meatless BBQ ribs.
I was excited about it, since I love BBQ things, and figured this couldn't possibly be all that bad.
While they weren't horrible, they weren't exactly great either.
And I can't quite put my finger on what was wrong. (Besides, of course, the fact that they were meatless BBQ ribs which had never seen the inside of an actual animal.)

The appearance was curiously similar to meat.
The smell was decent enough, I guess.
The sauce was decent enough, smoky and sweet and plentiful.
The texture was semi-ok. It was extra tender, sort of like when ribs have been slow-cooked for so long that they just fall right off the bone. And yet...
The taste of the product itself... well... kind of oddly nondescript. Not meaty. And the more I started questioning the taste, the more I started questioning the texture.
I guess I could sum it up as being "Peculiar but not horrendous, but not something I ever plan on trying ever again."

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Breakfast:
(Nothing. I slept in! It's Saturday!!)

Lunch:
BBQ "riblet" sandwiches made from fake BBQ riblet meat

Snack:
Ice cream cone

Dinner:
French fries
Yogurt with strawberries and blueberries
Bottle of Dasani water

Most fart-producing evening snack EVER:
Bean burrito
Onion rings

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The sound of four dollars whimpering softly

Today I tried something new.
I saw the words "spicy szechuan" and got all excited.
Or, it's perhaps more accurate to say I got my hopes up.
Here are my thoughts on "Annie Chun's Spicy Szechuan Noodles".

1. You call THAT spicy? Bah. I am shaking my head in disappointment as I type this.

2. The ingredients are all vacuum-sealed for freshness, which is why I mistakenly assumed they would NOT taste as stale as a twenty-year-old bag of pecans which went rancid sometime during the years when MTV actually played music videos instead of garbage programs. Silly me.

3. The entire contents of the package, after being prepared, could fit in the palm of my hand-- and you want me to believe that it's TWO servings???

4. And, for that tiny amount, I had to pay almost four dollars?? Yikes! (!!!)

(Note: When I re-read #2 and #3, it reminds me of an old joke where a guy visits a diner and says he wants to complain to the manager. He says he has two complaints. First, he says the food is absolutely awful. Terrible. Horrendously bad. The manager says "Ok, well, what's the second complaint, then?" The guy replies "The portions were so tiny!")

There.
Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I have to reassure you that I am actually in a pretty decent mood today. After all, it's Friday. I have Saturday and Sunday to go, and then on Monday, I will be returning to my natural carnivorous state. Though I have to say, vegetarianism hasn't been all that bad this time. I've approached it with a peaceful calm equanimity, knowing it's only temporary.

I imagine it's sort of like being a grandparent. It's not so bad having the grandkids over for brief visits, even if they can be fussy and troublesome occasionally. You don't stress out too much about it because you know you'll be giving them back to their parents soon. :)

Stay tuned for tomorrow's exciting menu; I plan on trying the meatless BBQ ribs!
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Breakfast:
1/2 Grapefruit
Hot tea

Lunch:
2 Pears
Havarti caraway cheese
Rye Triscuits
Hot tea

Snack:
Ice cream cone

Dinner:
Amy Chun's "Spicy" Szechuan noodles :(
2 Veggie Burgers made with the Garden Veggie patties

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And the tofu never leaves its dirty underwear on the bathroom floor

Hallmark card we still haven't seen:

"I miss you more than a vegetarian misses a bacon double cheeseburger. Unless it's someone who really LOVES being a vegetarian... in which case I might not actually miss you that much at all. Come to think of it, the place does smell a lot better since you left."