Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Where everybody knows your name... or at least mine.

One of the side effects of spending half my life using free McDonalds WiFi is that the managers and employees have grown accustomed to my presence.
I know their names, they know my name, and it's sort of like a version of Cheers which has Chicken McNuggets instead of beer.

Last night I was at Wal-Mart preparing myself for the eventuality of having to actually return to my own home and eat things called "groceries".
(I'm not all that fond of Wal-Mart, but it was the only place open at that time of night.)

On my way out, I heard a familiar voice behind me.
"Hi, Janna."

I quickly turned my head in pleasant surprise, recognizing the voice.
It was one of the McDonald's managers.
I told him hello.

"I'm sorry if I scared you," he said.

"You didn't scare me," I replied.  "I always look like this."

He laughed.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

It's ok. I have no shame.

Actual thing I just posted to Facebook:

Note: Forget Metamucil and Ex-Lax. McDonalds plain black coffee is the most powerful brew known to mankind. You will feel the earth move.

Additional Note: If you ate ghost chili peppers on a buffalo chicken sandwich the previous evening, I promise you will suddenly remember.


Friday, October 31, 2014

In a McDonald's full of children on Halloween....

The noise particles vibrate
And bounce off every object
No matter how remote

The costumes
Which must have made sense
At some point in the evening

Spinning jumping bouncing
Shouting running screeching
THUMP shout yell run stomp

Too loud for brain cells
To peacefully cohabitate
Too rambunctious
To facilitate any rhyming
Total chaos

Please pass the aspirin
With a side of fries

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Four Signs You're Obsessed With Your New Laptop:

1.  All the McDonald's employees greet you by name when you show up to use the free WiFi for hours on end.

2.  You have great fun discovering the built-in webcam and use it to take freeze-frame shots of yourself, fighting the urge to giggle with glee in public.

3.  You do this two days in a row and photoshop one of the pictures to look vaguely like a watercolor painting.

4.  You post it to Facebook.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Jannaverse turns its head and coughs

Today I discovered yet another downside to lightning-fast websurfing.
Without going into excruciating detail, let me just say that I have survived my very first foray into dismantling computer viruses and malware.
Seems odd that it never happened on the home computer; after all, I've roamed around plenty of dark ugly cyberspace corners on dial-up too in the past 15 years, and have downloaded plenty of things.

I.  Just.
Did. It.

Anyway, after much trial and trouble, I seem to be malware/adware/virus free once again.
I feel like I just had a shower.
(*sniff*)  Smell that?  The soap is grapefruit-scented.

Friday, October 17, 2014

The downside of Free WiFi in a public place

What I learned today:

No matter how loud you have the headphones turned up with "Relaxing Piano Music" pouring through them, it can not even come close to drowning out the sound of a spoiled rotten toddler having a piercingly loud tantrum at the table next to you.

Goodness stinking sakes, parents.
What is wrong with you?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

New doors and McLife

I have a new front door!

Since I live in an area that deals with a lot of high winds, there was a day (a few years ago) when the wind whipped the screen door right out of my hand and threw it back so far that it broke.  It would still shut, but I had to pull it shut carefully.

Then, this past winter there was so much snow that the door broke further when I tried pushing it open.

Enough is enough, I finally decided.
This week I got a brand new door.

So, on those infrequent occasions when I actually leave the utopia of McDonald's Free WiFi and return to my own home, I have the momentary joy of using a door that actually works and shuts properly.

Speaking of McDonald's, today they gave me a sandwich where the bun had two bottom-halves (heels) instead of a whole bun with a top and a bottom.  Weird.  I briefly mentioned it, and they sort of slightly apologized, but whatever.  I guess shoddy meal construction is a small price to pay for Free WiFi and eternal drink refills..

If there's a 12-step program for addiction to WiFi, I have no interest in it whatsoever.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Learning to enjoy the 21st century

Still alive and breathing in the wonderful vapors of WiFi.
Since I usually use the WiFi at McDonald's, the vapors smell sort of like french fries and coffee.

For lunch I had a cheap chicken sandwich and a blueberry muffin.
Now all I have to do is refill this medium drink 3,419 times.

So far with the Monopoly pieces I've gotten a breakfast sandwich, a McFlurry, and a small fries.

It's still amazing to me that it's possible to watch videos without waiting an hour or more.
On dial-up, anything involving a playlist was inaccessible.
Videos on the BBC news were inaccessible.
Some webpages took 20 minutes or more to load.

Now, it's so simple it's like a breath of fresh air.
Or french-fry breath.
Either is fine.

Friday, October 3, 2014

WiFi is probably better than robot servants. Probably.

I am thrilled beyond belief to report that I finally have my laptop!

I'm here at McDonald's right now, basking/marinating in the free WiFi.


This is the very first time I have ever had anything faster than dial-up.

I noticed that in the post where I spoke of getting a laptop, nonamedufus said "Welcome to the 21st century, Janna."

Hi.  I'm glad to be here.
Still, I thought there would be more flying cars and robot servants.
Soon I'll have to get up and refill my drink BY MYSELF.

On the bright side, though, I'm able to watch an R.E.M. video without waiting two hours.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Dreaming of WiFi and chicken nuggets

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but there is a good chance that by this time next week, I will own my very first laptop.


Yay for computer-genius uncles who know how to offer help when it comes to things like this.
Assuming it works, and assuming I can figure out how to use free WiFi at McDonald's, this will be the very first time I've ever had anything faster than dial-up.

Imagine, being able to watch videos without having to wait an hour (or more).
Lately I haven't been able to watch videos on dial-up at ALL; despite updating all my stuff, YouTube still keeps giving me error messages on every video.  Hopefully the laptop with WiFi will be a rainbow of glimmering light in my life, opening the doors to all sorts of videos involving cats and R.E.M. and bored college students experimenting with Mentos.
(Do they have videos involving all three at once?)

I hope it works out; I need some cheering up.
I'll keep you posted.

Maybe one of these days, in a week or so, I can post something from McDonald's.
If not, I can just post a long slow scream on dial-up.

(Slow dial-up screams probably come through sounding like whale sounds.)

Stay tuned.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I'm still alive! Sort of. And my ear itches.

I just wrote this to someone in an e-mail, after which I realized it would also make an appropriate blog post to let you all know how I'm doing:

If stress was an all-night buffet, I would have passed out in the
corner long ago.
People would come poke me to see if I was still alive, and I'd mutter
incoherent things about free crab cakes and chocolate tortes.
Meanwhile, a scorpion-thing would be crawling out of my ear, like that
one in the old Star Trek movie.

I imagine stress probably tastes like really strong lemonade where
someone forgot to add the sugar.

As for the actual real-life update, I can sum it up thusly:
 My health issues continue to get worse, my mobility is worse than it's been in a long time, and I am still fighting to get on disability.  If my lawyer can actually help this work out, I promise not to make any more lawyer jokes for a long, long time.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

...Or Else!

I guess the message here is "If you drop out of school, you will be attacked by a giant man-eating Tweety octopus with only six tentacles".

Technically I guess that makes him a hexapus.

(Feel free to make up your own jokes about hexa-puddy-tats.)

So, um, yeah...

Stay in school, I guess.