Things I realized I do not care about when my bones ache:
1. Whether anyone has ever named a dachshund "bratwurst the third"
2. What happened to "bratwurst" the first and second
4. The fact that if Godzilla was real, he could be turned into a LOT of really nice purses and belts and boots and wallets.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Things I realized I do not care about when my bones ache:
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The sky's a sick ocean of white
Warm weather remains out of sight
If hot chocolate was free
I would soon have to pee
'Cuz the vortex is polar tonight
Winter has dropped to my toes
(Still wiggling despite being froze!)
I can barely inhale
Without turning quite pale
As the ice-boogers tickle my nose
So imagine my dismay when I woke up and the temperature (indoors!) was only 46 degrees.
In the past, when it's done this, I've been able to re-start it by flipping the circuit breaker off, waiting awhile, then turning it back on again.
Alas, this time it did not work, despite repeated tries.
Sooooo, I had to call someone to come fix it.
I have an electric furnace (instead of oil or gas), and it's kinda hard to find someone willing to fix those.
But I found a helpful repairman who came out right away, and happily I am now warm again.
Just in time, I might add, because the temperature is supposed to get down to 11 below zero tonight.
(That's not even counting wind chill).
Have a good weekend and stay safe.
I'll be in bed reading good books and watching DVD's with two cats yawning next to me and a ton of blankets pulled up to my chin.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Four unsettling thoughts while driving on snow and ice:
1. Has there ever been a two-headed zebra?
2. Look! squirrels! Why aren't they hibernating? Maybe these are rabid zombie squirrels.
3. .... Justin Bieber. (enough said.)
4. If I skidded on the ice and died in a horrible accident, the rabid zombie squirrels would eat me before anyone found me.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
I'm floating without a bikini
Beside all your rich fettuccine
By now, surely all of
you know my name's olive
And I'm inside a big strong martini
Garlic is perfect to toss
Into awesome spaghetti sauce
It tastes so good I think it's
ok to just drink it
While the pasta makes good dental floss
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Sticky Foot Smith looked dolefully into her carbonated beverage.
"Ohhh, I'm a-feelin' the blues," she sang. "Lonesome burnin' and starin' right into my soul..."
Skinny Pickles Jackson rolled his eyes. "Or, y'know, it could just be acid indigestion from the two dozen buffalo wings we just ate."
"Shhh," she prompted. "The chorus is coming up."
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Snowed in for two days. Alone.
Water pipes froze from Sunday through Wednesday.
Cell phone battery dying (with charger elsewhere).
When I tried opening my front door against a foot (or more) of snow, it actually BROKE THE DOOR.
Thanks to some VERY good friends, I finally got the driveway plowed out on Tuesday.
My water pipes finally un-froze on Wednesday evening.
Got the phone charged up.
The door is currently fixed with duct tape until spring, at which time I will need a new door.
It's official; I'm an old crotchety lady who hates winter.
I'm also an old crotchety lady who's turning another year older on Saturday the 11th. (!)
Monday, January 6, 2014
Got a big huge giant snowstorm yesterday.
Our area got between 12 and 19 inches of snow.
Holy goodness sakes.
I'm snowed in.
Usually my dad comes over to plow my driveway, but he's currently snowed in also.
I can't make it out of my driveway, and I'm stuck for at least another day or two.
My cell phone battery is dying, and the charger is at my workplace downtown.
And, as if that wasn't bad enough, my pipes have frozen and I have no water.
Temperature here right now:
15 below zero. Expected to reach 20 below.
38 below... and expected to reach 45 below.
The electricity is on.
And I have food to eat and beverages to drink.
I just can't flush or bathe.
I'm single and I live alone, so this is not the greatest thing to happen.
Though I guess sometimes when people are stranded together in situations like this, they can start to get on each other's nerves, so maybe it's better that I'm stuck here alone.
Either way, it's unsettling, to say the least.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Once upon a time Janna stayed home for two days and did absolutely nothing except sleep and spend time on the computer.
Her bathrobe gradually acquired a personality of its own.
The cats named it "Binky".
Eventually Binky ate the cats and left to become Earth's evil overlord.
Janna was never seen again.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Five sentences that have absolutely nothing to do with elves or presents:
1. Who ate all the cheese dip?
2. Wait, I think this has vodka in it.
3. Look, I don't know what color this was when you put it into the fridge, but it's green now.
4. Why's the toilet plugged up again?
5. I'm going to bed.
Yay! Since I don't celebrate Christmas, I actually had a nice quiet peaceful day at home by myself. It was relaxing and pleasantly uneventful.
I hope the rest of you are just as content with your holiday choices.
If you're so stressed out you're ready to stab the nearest person with a tree-shaped cookie, I can send you some happy thoughts and perhaps a few stray cat hairs I just found on my clothes.
It won't help, but at least my clothes will be that much cleaner.
Have a lovely weekend, all of you! :)
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Once upon a time, Mary realized it was more fun to have a cheeseburger and fries than to spend hours shopping at WalMart in December with crazy people.
She breathed a contented sigh,
WalMart made significantly less that year,
And the ketchup supply at McDonalds became significantly lower.
Mary lived happily ever after.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Things I still haven't done, despite not posting for a few weeks:
* Write love letter to whoever invented bacon
* Convince my cat that pooping in the hallway is NOT ok
* Find deodorant that creates inner peace for 24 hours
* Read Moby Dick
* Teach dust mites how to write blog posts in my absence
* Drink heavily
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Some of you out there must certainly know the answer to this.
Please help me figure this out.
One of my mom's customers is paying me to type a term paper for her.
Ten pages, plus references.
When I printed it out, there was a paper jam at page 7.
I fixed the paper jam and hit the button for it to resume printing.
It did the rest of the pages, but it skipped over page 7.
"Fine," I thought, "I'll just go back and have it print out page 7 separately."
But it won't print it.
Whenever I ask it to print out any type of Word document at ALL now, it immediately closes the program. Closes the entire program completely. POOF.
This happens whether I ask for just one page or the entire document.
Nothing ends up in the printer queue, and the program inevitably gets shut down.
I rebooted the computer.
I turned the printer off, waited, and turned it on again.
Rebooted the computer again.
Turned the printer off again, waited, and turned it on again.
Other types of documents are printing all right (for example, I tested it on an e-mail page and there were no problems). It's only Word Documents that are doing this. I tried other Word documents, just to test, and the same thing is happening with all of them.
I need to print out page 7 for this lady.
In case it matters, the printer is an HP Deskjet F4240.
It seems to be a computer problem instead of a printer problem, though, since e-mails are printing out just fine. It's not that the printer can't print; it's that the computer won't allow Word Documents to BE printed.
WHAT is the problem and HOW can it be fixed?
(*curls up in fetal position and sobs*)
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Sentences that rhyme with "Mortimer has an odd stain on his pants":
* Which makes it too awkward to get up and dance
* It happened right after he watered the plants
* And now he isn't the best at romance
* Last Sunday? Identical circumstance!
* Maybe tomorrow he'll have one more chance
* At least his detergent's "stain-fighting" enhanced