Thursday, April 10, 2014

Serve with a side of chunky hot water

Take a variety of long-term illnesses, soaked for 44 years until properly marinated.

Add one particularly virulent cold/flu thingy which involves fever, chills, muscle aches, sore throat, and complete loss of the senses of taste and smell.

Mix thoroughly in bowl, remembering to shower when you can gather the energy to get out of bed.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Hi, everybody.
Sorry I've been gone for so long.
I'm sick of being sick.
Sick of knowing that even when the short-term stuff goes away, I'll still have the same long-term health issues to deal with.

There was a point during the last month when I could truthfully say I'd seen three doctors in three different cities in a 6 day time span.

And that didn't even have anything to do with this amazingly bad cold/flu thing I seem to have acquired.  WOW.  I've had it since Saturday the 5th.

First three days:  headache, snot, fever, chills, fever, chills, fever, chills, (rinse and repeat)
Then:  Sore throat, muscle aches, tons of snot, nosebleeds
And.... ever since Monday the 7th, I have not been able to taste or smell anything at all.  Nothing.  I've hardly been eating anything because all I can detect is texture and temperature.

Today I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup which tasted like chunky hot water.

Since I love hot peppers, I tried some of those to see if they would loosen up the sinuses.
Nothing.
I tried using straight peppermint oil as an inhaler.  (I usually use it for headaches; sometimes it helps ease the pain if I rub peppermint oil into my forehead/temples. It usually makes my eyes water and my nose run, so I figured this time I'd rub it directly onto my nose and breathe deeeeeeply.)
Nothing.
I tried taking decongestants.  I even read the directions. (!)
Nothing.

I have never had a cold where I lost my sense of taste for 4 days straight.
Friday will be day 5.

I dream of bacon.

Thank you for listening, especially if you actually read through my entire post. ;)

Thursday, March 13, 2014

The great Hairy Chicken Incident of 2014


"UUUUgghh!" The customer dropped her chicken wing, disgusted.

"Problem?" A manager asked, eventually.

"These wings have a hair stuck in the breading!  And... there's another!  And another!  Ewww!"

"May I see your receipt?"  The manager asked.  "Ahh.  I see the problem.  We should have charged you extra for the NON-hairy variety."

"But..."

"Eight dollars, please."
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Some of that was fiction, but some of it is true.

Remember a few months ago when I blogged about McDonalds' "Mighty Wings"?
At the time, I had no plans of trying them because they were just too expensive.

Well, recently they re-introduced them for a slightly cheaper price.
 I figured "well, ok..." and tried some last Wednesday (March 5th).
Upon inspection (and after I'd already taken a few bites), I realized the breading was covered with hairs.
Seriously.  Little hairs sticking out from the breading, cooked right into it.

I called a manager over and showed her the pile of hair-covered breading bits.

Some of the hairs were so long you could pick them up and the breading would dangle from it.
Gross.

She said "Oh, ok.  I'll make a note of that."
She took the tray away, and nothing else was done.

I went back a few days later (Saturday, March 8th) to see if the lead manager (Rob) had been made aware of it, and hopefully to find some sort of resolution.  

Talked to another manager, who was completely unaware of the problem.  It hadn't been written in the manager's log, so no one had "made a note" of anything at all.

He apologized for the hairy chicken issue and suggested I handwrite a note for Rob.
He reassured me that Rob would get the note.


Soooo, I wrote a note.  I included my snail mail address as well as two different e-mail addresses.


Didn't hear anything back, so today (Thursday, March 13th) I went back to check on things.
Talked to two completely different managers, neither of which had read anything in the log about anyone reporting any kind of hairy chicken problem.

They didn't think Rob had gotten the note and had no idea about any of this.

I explained the whole thing all over again, for the THIRD time.

I wasn't a jerk about it, but still tried to accurately convey the "EEEWWWW" factor.


These guys KNOW me because I've been a regular customer there for so long.  We were on a first-name basis and they'd greet me whenever I came in (sort of like "Norm" from Cheers).
Rob is a nice guy.  They're all nice people there, usually.


So it was frustrating that this kept getting ignored.

This evening they gave me my money back and gave me a card for a free (hopefully non-hair-covered) sandwich.  Yay, I guess, but it still seems odd and dissappointing that I had to talk about it THREE separate times-- and still never heard back from the guy in charge.

I hoped for something along the lines of "Wow, got your letter and I agree this was gross.  Clearly the people who send frozen wings to us also have a side job in a barber shop.  Very sorry.  Please don't stop being a regular customer.  We loved you almost as much as we loved your money.  Come back.  To show my deep sorrow and regret, here is a notarized certificate redeemable for three dinner dates with Mike Mills, along with an autographed collection of every R.E.M. album ever made.  Oh, and here's some DNA from each R.E.M. member, including the drummer who retired in 1996.  Also, here's some sweet-and-sour sauce."


My needs are small.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Would Godzilla prefer chili sauce or sauerkraut?

Things I realized I do not care about when my bones ache:

1. Whether anyone has ever named a dachshund "bratwurst the third"

2. What happened to "bratwurst" the first and second

3. Politics

4. The fact that if Godzilla was real, he could be turned into a LOT of really nice purses and belts and boots and wallets.

 .='...'='...'='...'='...'='...'='...'='...'='...'='...'=.
This has been one of those rotten weeks where my bones hurt more than usual.  I've blogged before about some of the health issues I have in my feet/knees/ankles, (none of which are expected to improve), though I try not to spend too much time talking about it because I prefer for people to think of the Jannaverse as a humor blog.
Whatever.
This week I ache.

I did make a point of treating myself to some chocolate chip mint ice cream today (one of my favorite flavors), so at least some parts got a chance to smile. :)

Also, I just had a mental image of Godzilla stealing a footlong sub bun from Subway and filling it with a wiener dog.

Incidentally, this picture is from a dachshund site called "petmywiener.com".
Yes.
Pet. My. Wiener. Dot. Com.

Have a good week, everyone.
Treat yourself to something.
.


Thursday, February 27, 2014

Hey, at least it rhymes

The sky's a sick ocean of white
Warm weather remains out of sight
If hot chocolate was free
I would soon have to pee
'Cuz the vortex is polar tonight

Winter has dropped to my toes
(Still wiggling despite being froze!)
I can barely inhale
Without turning quite pale
As the ice-boogers tickle my nose
.

..--'--....--'--....--'--....--'--....--'--....--'--....--'--....--'--..
In bitter cold weather like this, the last thing you want is for your furnace to break down.

So imagine my dismay when I woke up and the temperature (indoors!) was only 46 degrees.

In the past, when it's done this, I've been able to re-start it by flipping the circuit breaker off, waiting awhile, then turning it back on again.

Alas, this time it did not work, despite repeated tries.
Sooooo, I had to call someone to come fix it.

I have an electric furnace (instead of oil or gas), and it's kinda hard to find someone willing to fix those.

But I found a helpful repairman who came out right away, and happily I am now warm again.

Just in time, I might add, because the temperature is supposed to get down to 11 below zero tonight.
(That's not even counting wind chill).

Have a good weekend and stay safe.
I'll be in bed reading good books and watching DVD's with two cats yawning next to me and a ton of blankets pulled up to my chin.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Maybe the squirrels would agree to eat Justin Bieber instead

Four unsettling thoughts while driving on snow and ice:

1. Has there ever been a two-headed zebra?

2. Look! squirrels! Why aren't they hibernating? Maybe these are rabid zombie squirrels.

3. .... Justin Bieber.  (enough said.)

4. If I skidded on the ice and died in a horrible accident, the rabid zombie squirrels would eat me before anyone found me.
.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Because bad weather deserves bad poetry

I'm floating without a bikini
Beside all your rich fettuccine
By now, surely all of
you know my name's olive
And I'm inside a big strong martini

Garlic is perfect to toss
Into awesome spaghetti sauce
It tastes so good I think it's
ok to just drink it
While the pasta makes good dental floss
.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Boney Eyes Brown says hi...

Sticky Foot Smith looked dolefully into her carbonated beverage.

"Ohhh, I'm a-feelin' the blues," she sang. "Lonesome burnin' and starin' right into my soul..."

 Skinny Pickles Jackson rolled his eyes. "Or, y'know, it could just be acid indigestion from the two dozen buffalo wings we just ate."

"Shhh," she prompted. "The chorus is coming up."
.


.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Alive, grateful, and, for some reason, craving pizza.

"Being snowed in isn't so bad;" she decided.  "There's still plenty to do. We could make spaghetti and meatballs, we could take a nice long hot bath, we could call friends, we..."

"Um.  Can't do any of those things.  The water pipes just froze... and the cell phone battery is dying."

"Please shoot me now."
.
'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.'*'.
The fictional part, of course, is the idea that anyone else was WITH me when this happened. Other than that, it's all sadly true, as you know if you read this post.

Snowed in for two days.  Alone.

Water pipes froze from Sunday through Wednesday.

Cell phone battery dying (with charger elsewhere).

When I tried opening my front door against a foot (or more) of snow, it actually BROKE THE DOOR.

Thanks to some VERY good friends, I finally got the driveway plowed out on Tuesday.
My water pipes finally un-froze on Wednesday evening.
Got the phone charged up.
The door is currently fixed with duct tape until spring, at which time I will need a new door.

It's official; I'm an old crotchety lady who hates winter.

I'm also an old crotchety lady who's turning another year older on Saturday the 11th.  (!)
.

Monday, January 6, 2014

GggggaaaaaaaaaaaaacccchhhhH!

.
Got a big huge giant snowstorm yesterday.

Our area got between 12 and 19 inches of snow.

Holy goodness sakes.

I'm snowed in.

Usually my dad comes over to plow my driveway, but he's currently snowed in also.

I can't make it out of my driveway, and I'm stuck for at least another day or two.

My cell phone battery is dying, and the charger is at my workplace downtown.

And, as if that wasn't bad enough, my pipes have frozen and I have no water.

Temperature here right now:
15 below zero. Expected to reach 20 below.

Wind chill:

38 below... and expected to reach 45 below.



Positive things:
The electricity is on.
And I have food to eat and beverages to drink.

I just can't flush or bathe.
I'm single and I live alone, so this is not the greatest thing to happen.
Though I guess sometimes when people are stranded together in situations like this, they can start to get on each other's nerves, so maybe it's better that I'm stuck here alone.

Either way, it's unsettling, to say the least.
.


Thursday, January 2, 2014

Must... make it... to the... shower....

Once upon a time Janna stayed home for two days and did absolutely nothing except sleep and spend time on the computer.

Her bathrobe gradually acquired a personality of its own.

 The cats named it "Binky".

Eventually Binky ate the cats and left to become Earth's evil overlord.

Janna was never seen again.

The End.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

No partridges and no pear trees!

Five sentences that have absolutely nothing to do with elves or presents:

1. Who ate all the cheese dip?

2. Wait, I think this has vodka in it.

3. Look, I don't know what color this was when you put it into the fridge, but it's green now.

4. Why's the toilet plugged up again?

5. I'm going to bed.

...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...

Yay!  Since I don't celebrate Christmas, I actually had a nice quiet peaceful day at home by myself.  It was relaxing and pleasantly uneventful.
I hope the rest of you are just as content with your holiday choices.
If you're so stressed out you're ready to stab the nearest person with a tree-shaped cookie, I can send you some happy thoughts and perhaps a few stray cat hairs I just found on my clothes.
It won't help, but at least my clothes will be that much cleaner.

Have a lovely weekend, all of you! :)

Thursday, December 19, 2013

If only there was a handsome prince in every Happy Meal...

Once upon a time, Mary realized it was more fun to have a cheeseburger and fries than to spend hours shopping at WalMart in December with crazy people.

She breathed a contented sigh,
WalMart made significantly less that year,
And the ketchup supply at McDonalds became significantly lower.

Mary lived happily ever after.

The end.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Still breathing at least 50% of the time...

Things I still haven't done, despite not posting for a few weeks:

* Write love letter to whoever invented bacon
* Convince my cat that pooping in the hallway is NOT ok
* Find deodorant that creates inner peace for 24 hours
* Read Moby Dick
* Teach dust mites how to write blog posts in my absence
* Drink heavily

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Hi, everyone.
I'm still here, breathing occasionally.
Have a lovely weekend, and if any of you have the correct answer to the tech problem I posted HERE, I would sure love to hear about it.
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