The hairy blue monster chased me across the eight lane highway.
"I will kill you for eating my cookies!" He bellowed.
I leaped over the roadkill which was once a purple dinosaur. Japanese anime characters began raining down from above.
In resignation, I cried: "This is the last time I eat cheesecake right before bedtime."
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ONANONA: Trying to say "Oklahoma" while the dentist is busy working on your teeth but still talking to you anyway.
WAMBOO: A wombat made of bamboo.
MITUPS: Doing pushups while wearing mittens.
TENTSOL: Air fresheners to use when your tent gets sprayed by a skunk.
BUSLORP: A really messy burp.
ADICIDIN: Really messed up acid.
ERVIS: Elvis's long-lost younger brother who played the bassoon.
NICAL: Five nicals are wurth a corder.
DISTBR: A distributor who isn't very good at his job.
LITALER: Not bigger.
CREDAR: Cheddar cheese you bought with a credit card.
VAINT: When you're so vain, you briefly lose consciousness.
EXALO: When you used to be a buffalo, but now you're not.
It's cold enough to knock a frozen booger off a three-story penguin.
11:22 PM Jan 15th
I can't sleep! Someone tell me a story! I like the one about the 3 alligators who ate Goldilocks because she couldn't blow their house down.
10:04 PM Jan 19th
Drinking tea, watching The Price Is Right, and becoming embittered about life.
11:58 AM Jan 22nd
Luckily, one of my New Years' Resolutions was to let despair and bitterness fester in my soul. So things are working out well.
11:17 PM Jan 22nd
If I ever find a bat on my windshield, I am going to save it forever and ever.
1:00 AM Feb 4th
I wonder if penguins taste like chicken.
6:03 PM Feb 7th
Valentines Day is like the cancerous tumor in the prostate of life. Feel free to quote me.
4:35 PM Feb 14th
Looking forward to having Cheerios for breakfast tomorrow because they give me gas, which seems just about right for a Monday.
11:52 PM Feb 15th
And my throat feels like a porcupine slid down it, using a cheese grater for a sled.
8:24 AM Feb 17th
Feeling slightly better! I can breathe! Now I remember why people have been saying all those good things about oxygen.
1:22 AM Feb 21st
Note: Imaginary liver tastes just as bad as the real thing.
12:47 AM Feb 24th
Eating bean burritos and chili for lunch. Listening to my intestines rumble like a t-rex in jurassic park.
12:48 PM Mar 4th
No chicken sandwich is worth four dollars. Maybe if the breading was made of diamonds... But then it'd be hard to chew.
4:54 PM Mar 10th
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Since my dryer broke, I've had to spend time at the laundromat.
Please feel free to weep for me and send me pity.
(Or cookies. Your choice.)
Maybe I should just consider it to be a delightful challenge. After all, if I can't pass myself off as normal THERE, there's really no hope for me.
Assorted thoughts from Saturday's laundromat trip:
1. To my underwear:
I hate folding you when other people are walking by.
2. To the bottle of laundry detergent that dropped and broke and spilled on the floor:
I hate you.
3. To the guy who was talking to his friend about 12 feet away from me:
I don't know why your girlfriend broke up with you, but I can almost guarantee that your friend's advice is not going to work.
4. To the washer and dryer:
Pardon me for a moment while I add you to my list of "Things I wish were cheaper."
5. To the guy driving behind me on the way home:
Tailgaters are the boogers in the nostrils of life.
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1. Transylvanian Immigrants Recall Exceptional Difficulties
2. Temporary Insanity! Relish Every Delusion!
3. Try It. Really. Everybody Does.
4. Truly I Reek. Ewww. Dirty.
5. Tomorrow I Read Everyone's Diaries!!
6. Tattoos: Itchy Red Excruciating Dye
7. Technology-- It's Really Excellent, Dude
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I've been getting increasingly annoyed with Entrecard these past few months, so today I deleted it from the Jannaverse and Jantics. Sorry if this inconveniences any of you out there who were ultra-dedicated droppers.
It's still over on Jantrails, for the time being.
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"But I don't want to swim in there!" Johnny cried. "I'll get wet! And something will eat me!"
Mom shrugged. "That's the way it is. Some of us snap, some of us crackle. Your uncle Louie even popped. He always did have to be different. Now hurry up. The milk is waiting, and someone's hungry."
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Wednesday at the grocery store they were offering samples of a brand of salsa that was on sale.
It came in different flavors, but the one that was being offered for tasting was Artichoke & Garlic.
The description didn't grab me. I love garlic, but am ambivalent about artichokes. I tried them once in a pasta dish, and they were "okay". Neither good nor bad. Just "okay".
Still, my curiosity got the best of me, and I had a burning desire to try this salsa. I dipped a chip and had a taste.
Wow!
It was really delicious.
Mild and pansylike as far as actual HEAT, of course, but the flavor was amazing. Really fresh and garlicky and good. I loved it so much I bought some (along with a bag of frito scoops), and that was all I had for lunch . (!!!)
The word "artichoke" has always kind of bothered me. It sounds like you're choking to death while having a heart attack. ("Help! Call 911! I'm having an artichoke! It's... kkkbbccckk... ahcchhh... kkthhk..." *thud*)
But apparently, when mixed with garlic and tomatoes, it's not as bad as it sounds.
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Find the exact amount of debt (in US dollars) owed by Dubai.
Multiply by the number of loads of laundry I should have done last weekend.
Add the number of farts that resulted from yesterday's BK onion rings.
Divide by the number of stanzas in a sonnet written by someone who had too much tequila.
If your name is Grace, subtract twelve.
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1. Glue it to a brick and use it as a decorative doorstop.
2. Pound some nails into it and throw it into the path of the person tailgating you.
3. Sell it to unsuspecting aliens for gold and photon torpedoes.
4. Braid it into your hair and headbutt the people in front of you who are taking 24 items through the express lane.
5. Stuff it in the back of your pants and ask random guys on the street if this outfit makes your butt look big.
6. Duct tape it to your shoulder and introduce it to friends as your tropical Siamese twin. If they look confused, say "Oh, that's right. I forgot; they're called conjoined twins now."
7. Place it on your desk and tell all your co-workers, "Look! My invisible friend finally got his green card and now you can see him!"
8. Hang on a ship with a sign that says "In case of scurvy, smash here".
9. Duct tape it to your knee, then ask assorted loved ones, "Does this look infected to you?"
10. Use it to scratch areas you can't quite reach.
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Have hiccups?
Try Xuziflox!
Side effects include blurred vision, stomach cramps, inability to parallel park, itching in inappropriate places at inappropriate times, yodeling, hair loss, uncontrollable urges to eat haggis, eyebrow twitching, moles shaped like Rachael Ray, and possible death.
But hey, those hiccups are gone!
Ask your doctor if Xuziflox is right for you.
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I am so glad I get to sleep in tomorrow.
There will be no breakfast, and maybe even no lunch, unless it can be intravenous while I snore.
Rest assured I draw the line at breakfast/lunch in suppository form.
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1. Donuts Really Are Tasty
2. Distance Runners Always Trip
3. Daring Renegades, Anxiously Terminated
4. Debilitating Rheumatoid Arthritis = Troubling
5. Does Randy Always Toot?
6. Dry Raisins And Tuna
7. Domesticated Rhinoceroses Aren't Temperamental
8. Drunk Rum And Tequila
9. Dust, Ragweed: Allergy Triggers
10. Dirty Rotten Airport Terminals
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