Once, there was a magical dish of pineapple which would grant immortality, superpowers, and complete immunity to poison ivy.
Instead of being eaten, though, it got thrown across the room in disgust.
"NO!!!" Timmy whined loudly. "I SAID I want PEACHES!!!"
Unfortunately, the peaches would only grant him eternal diaper rash.
(And perhaps poison ivy.)
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It's time to try more British groceries!
This week the item is called "HobNobs".
The package describes them as "Nobbly Oaty Biscuits."
Since I don't think I've ever used the word "Nobbly" in all my 40 years on this planet, this seems like as good a time as any to start.
Appearance-wise, they look remarkably similar to the "digestive biscuits" I tried a couple months ago. The difference is that these are more like crispy oatmeal cookies. Thus the description of a "Nobbly Oaty" texture.
Surprisingly, they're not bad at all. I say "surprisingly" because I'm ordinarily not that fond of oatmeal cookies. Especially the miserable concoction of oatmeal-raisin cookies. If I'm going to eat a cookie with little brown pieces in it, they had BETTER be chocolate chips.
Raisins are a cruel hateful joke.
Anyway, these were good because the tops were covered in chocolate.
Funny how chocolate makes it all better.
Things that MIGHT not be improved by chocolate:
1) Pickles
2) Tortilla chips
3) Chicken noodle soup
4) Hot dogs
5) Cheetos
6) Ketchup
7) Garlic bread
As with the Aero bar, there is also a chocolate orange version of this, which (of course) I won't get to try because it's not available in my area.
[insert unhappy words here].
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There's a new flavor-trio of Doritos which claims to be hot.
As you know, I consider this sort of thing a challenge, since the VAST majority of such claims end up being nothing more than hot air from a bunch of pansies.
I like HOT spicy things-- the hotter the better.
The new Doritos come in three varieties, all of which are named after various levels of burns:
1. "1st Degree Burn: Blazin' Jalapeno"
2. "2nd Degree Burn: Fiery Buffalo"
3. "3rd Degree Burn: Scorchin' Habanero"
Unfortunately, my local store didn't have anything hotter than the 2nd degree version, so I bought a little 99-cent package of those.
They're ok.
Not mild, and not entirely wussy. Sort of medium, almost with an edge that might vaguely approach the "hot" realm during its afternoon fantasies when it daydreams of being all grown up.
Not bad.
Still, I wish it was hotter, which is why I'm trying to find a store that sells the "3rd Degree Burn" variety.
I'll let you know if I can find it.
Here's a video of some 12 year old kid trying to eat a whole bag of them in under 5 minutes.
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Here I am! I didn't abandon you.
Not permanently, anyway.
I had a nice time with my family and am currently full of nachos.
Things I would like to say to various people and things I saw over the past four days:
1. To the lady who rode her bike right out into traffic without even LOOKING to see if any cars were around: You're very lucky you didn't get hit. Pay attention.
2. To the Chinese buffet where I ate on Friday: Your food is not all that great. But this pales in comparison to how dirty your bathroom was. I shudder to think of how dirty the kitchen must be.
3. To my cats: Thank you for not completely destroying the house while I was gone.
4. Also to my cats: Is that smell what I think it is?
5. To the "Family Restaurant" where I ate on Saturday: That was NOT a chimichanga. That was a wet burrito. Chimichangas are fried. Crispy. Trust me on this. That was a burrito in a soft flour tortilla. AND it wasn't very good either.
6. To the weekend traffic in large cities: You're trying to kill us all, aren't you?
7. To the Mexican place where I ate on Sunday: YES. That was awesome. Even if the salsa was so wussy that someone could rub it on a paper cut and not feel a thing.
8. It's good to be back. :)
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1. Al finally found frozen gopher heads in West Virginia.
2. Every Friday, happily, I run screaming toward weekends.
3. Airport delays eventually mean tiresome waiting.
4. Bright creatures ignore Martha Stewart.
5. Don't lick slimy toads.
6. My new ring tastes weird.
7. Apparently, asparagus makes Norman's pee stink.
8. All appetizers: Calories crammed into small spaces.
9. I smell your yucky zones.
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Time to try yet another British grocery item!
This week, it's an "Aero" bar.
I was excited to try this because the description reminded me of one of my favorite ex-candy bars.
Back in the 70's, there was something called a "Choco-Lite" bar. It was chocolate which had lots of tiny air bubbles whipped into it.
This made for a really unique texture when you bit into it.
I really loved it... So, of course, the company stopped making it, which seems to be a recurring theme in my life.
Anyway, the Aero bar claimed to be made the same way, full of zillions of tiny air bubbles.
It is indeed!
It's got that same texture I liked in the "Choco-Lite.
I see, from the Wikipedia page, that there used to be a chocolate-orange version of Aero. No doubt they stopped making it because someone sent them an anonymous telegram informing them that Janna would really LOVE that.
"Egad!" They said, their voices full of alarm while still retaining a cool British accent. "We must cease production of this item immediately!"
It's ok.
I'm not bitter.
Well, maybe a little.
Still, I'm glad I got to try the regular version.
It's fun to eat and it brought back good memories.
Shhhh. Don't tell them I liked it.
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I'll be gone from Thursday through Sunday night, since I'll be spending a few days with my family.
But wait! I'll still be posting here in my absence. The posts are already written and are all set to drop on their own, much like the way birds poop on your car when you aren't looking.
So keep reading.
I'll respond to your comments when I get back! :)
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1. Wow! The Soylent Green buffet is only $3.99?
2. Does this smell like a penguin to you?
3. The Jannaverse is even better than Wikipedia!
4. My ex-boyfriend is from Pluto. We broke up because I laughed when it wasn't a planet anymore.
5. I know! Let's collect Cheetos shaped like our relatives!
6. Someday, Fluffy will probably kill me in my sleep.
7. Would you mind sucking the poison out of this, please?
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CONKT: After I conkt him on the head a few times, he learned not to make remarks about the size of my butt.
MOUSINE: Cuisine for mice. (Hopefully not cuisine that consists of mice).
CLONSTA: A clone who is also a gangsta.
CONATIC: Someone who is a fanatic about Conan O'Brien. (Note: I used to be a Conatic, back in 1993-94).
UNKEBUCL: Someone who is either drunk or illiterate, trying to say "Uncle Buck".
DIALP: Well, if you Dial "M" For Murder, I guess you could dial "P" for Penguins. Or Piranha.
INGRA: Grain that didn't grow quite right.
CONSTOTO: It's sad when Dorothy ConsToto out of all his retirement money.
WERSPERS: Whispers from people who can't spell.
MAGIESTI: Yur Magiesti, kan I pleez bekum a knighte? Then they kan call me SIR Janna.
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There are websites full of photos
Some of which are nasty
There are sites about Komodos
And long words like angioplasty
There are boring sites on finance
And recipes for snail
But as I sit here (wearing pants!)
And surf through pics that "fail"
The spammers take another chance
And look! I've got some mail!
Here I am, once again trying various items from the British section of the supermarket.
Today's item is Sharwood's Mango & Ginger Chutney.
You might recall that I tried a different kind of chutney back in December of 2008, which I blogged about here. I described it as follows:
"Somewhere up in Saskatchewan, a bottle of barbecue sauce falls in love with a bottle of sweet-and-sour sauce. They live together for awhile, and start talking about getting married, but then the sweet-and-sour sauce has an affair with a bottle of worcestershire sauce.
Sweet-and-sour gets pregnant, and is not entirely sure who the father is.
So, when the kid is born, they all go on the Jerry Springer show and shout and throw chairs at each other before agreeing to do a paternity test.
That is exactly what tamarind chutney tastes like."
Surprisingly, this is pretty much what Sharwood's Mango Ginger Chutney tastes like too, except it's weaker on the worcestershire (tamarind) flavor, and stronger on the sweet-and-sour flavor.
The nice thing is that it can make an otherwise common boring meal into one you can proudly describe to your friends.
"I had roast pheasant with new baby potatoes and innocent basil flambe over goat trachea fois gras," they'll proclaim with their usual air of snobbery. "What did YOU have?"
"Oh, I had tender succulent chicken delicately glazed in mango ginger chutney," you can say nonchalantly, while doing your best to hide the McNuggets box.
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