Have the plunger ready, just in case

Things I promise not to do if I happen to wander
into your bathroom at three in the morning:

1. Sing Broadway show tunes in the shower
2. Use up the last of the toilet paper
3. Tap on the floors, squeak repeatedly, and say "Am I a mouse yet? How about now?"
4. Stand in the doorway and whisper recipes for mixed drinks
5. Clear my throat and say loudly, "It's ok; I'm not hungry or anything, don't get up...."
6. Plug up the toilet (Well, hopefully not on purpose, anyway.)
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My Least Favorite Things

Yesterday VE posted a spoof of "My Favorite Things".
I liked the idea so much that I'm unscrupulously stealing it for my own personal use, while entertaining the foolish but optimistic hope that he will eventually forgive me.

Without further ado, here's my own version, complete with links to posts that further explain my dislike:

Onions galore and wild creatures with rabies
Ignorant parents with loud screaming babies
Higher gas prices and blah Burger Kings
These are a few of my least favorite things

Endless construction zones, Slow net connections,
Poverty, Barney, and chips with directions
Drive-thru mistakes and such awful spellings
These are a few of my least favorite things

When the skunk rots, When the sun's hot,
When the car smells bad,
I just remember my least favorite things,
And somehow I still feel bad!
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No wonder I couldn't find it

Brian laid quietly in hospital room 408, halfheartedly listening to the guy in the other bed.

"I realize now that time is precious," the guy said. "I've learned that I need to slow down and enjoy life. What about you?"

"I've learned," Brian sighed, "that there are some places pine cones just do not belong."
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Additions to the Jannapedia

SHISTA: I can almost see this being offensive street slang for "sister". Or something worse.

CULEWA: An important ingredient in a mudslide. Ever tried culewa and cream?

DIFTS: Snow drifts so deep the "R" has been buried.

MINGLY: How to describe the tingly sensation you get when mingling.

DOWNIST: Someone who discriminates against gravity.

TABOOF: (1) The sound you make when slipping on the ice and falling flat on your butt. (2) Accidentally goofing up and saying something taboo

PLEURELL: More than one bottle of Prell shampoo.

REABI: I do NOT have rabies. I only have ONE rabie. Looks like it's starting to mutate, though....

KOLIN: Beware of what your kolin will say if you eat too much fiber.

AUSHLOM: Someone with a golf-ball size wad of chewing gum, trying to say "Awesome."

SMESSES: Messes that are even more difficult for people who lisp.

BAAHO: A promiscuous sheep.

PUTTASTE: (1) The taste of golf (2) Trying to say the word "paste" while simultaneously spitting a cat hair out of your mouth
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Wordless Wednesday

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Various Thoughts

1. I'm so thirsty right now, my taste buds look like a little diorama of Death Valley. (Ouch, I think that was a cactus)

2. I wish they made blueberry Twizzlers. Or grapefruit Twizzlers.

3. How can it be November already, when I'd just barely gotten used to the idea of it being 2009? Does this mean I'm getting old?

4. I'm still waiting for one of you to invent a car that runs on cat poop. I may never need to buy gas again. Please hurry.

5. A vegan is someone who tries to make an omelette out of an eggplant. Ok, I just made that up, but it would look good on bumper stickers, right?


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Math problem for today

Count the number of meters of toilet paper Europe used in February 2003.
Divide by the number of times McDonald's forgot to include ketchup for your fries.
Multiply by four.
Subtract your favorite number.
Add the number of times you've gotten annoyed with squirrels in the last 20 years. (Don't count the times it ended up just being someone dressed in a squirrel outfit, no matter how annoying they were.)
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Maybe some club soda and salt will help

Zero comments so far on yesterday's Twitter post.
Since, if I remember correctly, the other thing you guys hate is my poetry, I might as well go ahead and do that next.
It's ok.
I still love you anyway.
Well... most of you.
Some of you.
Ok... I might still like that guy over there in the corner; the one in the red shirt with the taco stain on the shoulder.

I'm tired. I'm taking a nap.
My bed's right there; don't need a map!
Though I look sad and cheap
While I'm trying to sleep
Please don't kill me and sell me for scrap

Your shirt has a taco grease spot
I stared, and much bigger it got
Now the tacos are gone
Without chances to spawn
And you still didn't share. (Thanks a lot!)
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I plan to wake up sometime around March or April

Last June I did a post about how I'm tired all the time. I also mentioned rodents and hamster wheels in my brain, and I listed some Twitters I'd done which explained the depth of my incoherence.

Today I have more.

More incoherence AND more Twitters.


So tired I could float in a sea of espresso while dreaming of brown goldfish.
--2:23 PM Jul 1st

So tired I could curl up in an igloo and not even notice when the polar bears started nibbling.
--5:30 PM Jul 11th

So tired I could staple a mime to a chicken and fall asleep watching them try to cross the road.
--2:02 PM Jul 12th

So tired I could roll myself up in a warm flour tortilla and shout 'That's a wrap!'
--8:46 PM Jul 21st

So tired I'm talking to air fresheners.
--11:15 PM Jul 28th

Tired. Mumbling random incoherent things. Going to bed as soon as I put this next load of laundry in the dryer. Purple cricket bob salsa.
--9:41 PM Aug 13th

So tired I could curl up in a big box of styrofoam packing, and would be halfway to Tasmania before I woke up.
--11:40 PM Aug 24th

So tired I could sleep on a bed of microchips and not even notice when it re-programmed me into a toaster.
--12:46 AM Sep 4th

If I don't start going to bed sooner, I'm going to disintegrate into a pile of dust before I ever reach the ripe old age of 40.
--10:31 PM Sep 24th

Too tired to finish thi
--9:15 PM Oct 29th
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Just imagine if he knew about bird poop

One lonely leaf
Just an ugly shade of brown
His paranoid belief:
"There are germs on the ground!
I'm afraid to waver;
Every germ's too small to see.
Certainly I'm safer
Staying here upon the tree.
Maybe I'll forget
(Don't remind me, please)
That the wind may get me yet,
Full of some airborne disease...."
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Thirteen things the letters PLOP could stand for

1. Parrots Like Old People
2. Prices Lowered? Oh, Please...
3. Pizza Left Outside? Putrid!
4. Poop Loudly Over Pennsylvania
5. Precociously Learning Oriental Proverbs
6. Panther, Leopard, Ocelot, Puma
7. Preschoolers Lick Ordinary Paste
8. People Loathe Obstinate Proctologists
9. Passing Lane! (Oops... Police)
10. Prague, Lima, Oslo, Paris
11. Proudly Leading Outlandish Poodles
12. Purposefully Leaping Off Precipice
13. Proud Loud Ornery Passenger
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Dona Nobis Pacem

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(almost) Wordless Wednesday

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Comments I left on other people's blogs

...............................................................

Wow! You made $1.22 from Google AdSense!

Things you can afford now:

1. Half a gallon of gas (maybe)
2. 3 or 4 kiwi fruits
3. Can of Campbell's tomato soup
4. Cheap greeting card from the dollar store
5. Almost three stamps
6. A few minutes with the vacuum cleaner at the car wash.

Enjoy.
Be sure to blog about it.

(source)
...............................................................

"Hey, for a gazillion dollar paycheck, I'd probably wear ridiculous garbage too.

My schedule could look like this:

10:00am: Wear comfy black stretch pants and a soft cozy black top with a warm jacket.

11:00am: Drive to fashion show.

12:00noon: Eat double cheeseburger for lunch. Watch all the supermodels choke down three lettuce leaves, then hear them express guilt about "pigging out" as they run to the bathroom to throw up. (Note: Try not to let this affect my enjoyment of my chocolate milkshake.)

1:00pm: Change into "designer" outfit consisting of an aluminum foil bikini, a neon pirate hat, and a belt made from freshly-removed chipmunk hearts (still beating) strung onto old extension cords.

1:30pm: Parade my new outfit in front of critical gawking media folk, who will then take approximately 1,236,704 pictures for their articles on "the new hottest trends".

2:45pm: Change back into my comfy black stretch pants and the rest of my "real" clothes.

3:05pm: Collect bazillion dollar paycheck and laugh heartily all the way home.

(source)
...............................................................

Things I forgot to do last winter

1. Move to Florida
2. Buy a year's supply of hot chocolate
3. Build snowman and drizzle yellow food coloring in various spots just to make people wonder.
4. Avoid slipping and falling on my butt
5. Convince loved ones to send me crates full of fruit for no reason
6. Make snowballs with various hairstyles, using black and orange cat hair
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