Home!

I'm back!
I finished my house-sitting gig and am now back to spending a hot weekend any way I want.

Unfortunately, by "hot" weekend I mean it's 90 degrees.  Not "hot" in the sense of being surrounded by sexy muscle-bound pool boys.

I don't even own a pool.

And I seriously prefer nerds over muscle-bound jocks.

I'd take Leonard Hofstadter or Mike Mills over a muscle-bound jock any day.
Something about the black glasses and all those pulsating brain cells...
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Yes, it's definitely getting hot in here.

Sorry.  I can't help it.
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I bet Mike is extra cute when he's dizzy

Various thoughts:

1.  I've been imagining a contest between Mike Mills and Sheldon Cooper where they spin around in circles to see which one would fall down first.

2.  I really, really love bacon.

3.  Why do raccoons seem to enjoy my yard so much lately?

4.  If I had to choose between Mike Mills and bacon, I would probably choose Mike, but I'd be so upset about losing bacon that Mike probably wouldn't want to be around me for awhile.

5.  Wow, Richard Dawson died.  I remember watching him on The Match Game when I was a little kid.  I was really young, but I remember the show using the word "bosoms" a lot.

6.  Maybe, if I'm lucky, Mike Mills will taste like bacon.

Reasons I'm not having dinner with Johnny Depp tonight

1. I have nothing to wear

2. He always flirts with the waitress when I'm trying to tell a story

3. He hasn't yet been informed that I exist

4. I'd rather have dinner with Mike Mills instead

5. After the last time, I can't look at Caesar salad the same way ever again.
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This is probably why they don't come to Michigan very often

Today Mom and I ordered take-out from a pizza place. It's a relatively new place (less than a year old) and is neatly tucked away from the beaten path of the highway, so it's hard to find unless you already know where it is.

As I was there picking up our stuff, I noticed that one of the cars in the parking lot had a Georgia license plate.

This piqued my interest not only because they were a long way from home, but also because my favorite rock band is originally from Georgia.

(*insert brief daydream about running into Mike Mills and laughing over a platter of Italian breadsticks while politely ignoring each other's garlic breath*)

When I returned with lunch, I mentioned to Mom that there was a car from Georgia at the obscure little pizza place.

"Huh!" she exclaimed in curiosity. "I wonder how they found it?"

"Easy, I said. "It's right next to Alabama."


I'll be here all week.
Try the veal.
Tip your waitress.



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Number six is starting to sound good

The hot weather brought lots of rain and storms, and now a cooler front has moved in.
The storm winds have left a mid-sized tree limb in my yard.
It's about 8 feet long, about the diameter of a small shrub, and it's too heavy for me to move. I tried. I'm sure a big strong guy could lift (or drag) it with no problem, but alas; I am a weakling.

Things I could do with this limb:

1. Chop it up into beverage coasters and attempt to sell them to you for $4.95 plus shipping.

2. Climb under it and wait to see how many people try to rescue me

3. Pick off the leaves and make a salad (thankfully the rain washed off all the bird poop).

4. Send a huge chunk of it to Mike Mills and beg him to autograph it

5. Send myself along with it and beg Mike Mills to autograph me instead
(And then we can eat salad off our new coasters...)
(Hopefully he'll see I'm all bark and no bite.... Ha! Get it? Tree? Bark?)
(No, wait... I've got another one... the salad would have "branch" dressing....)

6. Bonk myself over the head with it and get a few extra hours of sleep

7. Forget about it and wait for the elements to slowly dissolve it over the next hundred years
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Things I May Have Forgotten To Mention To The Tabloids

1. The alien ship wasn't really shaped like a big jar of peanut butter.

2. I still have no clue who Justin Bieber is. Please don't tell me.

3. Although I was going to take Bigfoot's suggestions about conditioner and detangler, the brands he mentioned were way too expensive.

4. Charlie Sheen fascinates me, in much the same way that one can not avoid looking at a terrible accident when one drives by slowly.

5. Tribbles are real, and my cats barf them up frequently. They're a little mushier than they looked on TV.

6. The Loch Ness Monster LOVES Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, and yet he hates tartar sauce. (Just like me!)

7. My left foot itches. I doubt this is related to a government conspiracy, but wouldn't that be fun?
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I'm here! I'm here! (Sort of.)

I'm back!
Sort of.

Of course, since I had blog posts all ready to drop in my absence, only the most devoted friends/fans/stalkers would have noticed I've been gone since Thursday night.
Perhaps you sadly took note of the fact that I hadn't been responding to comments.

Or perhaps an invisible marmoset who sounds remarkably like Darth Vader reminded you that there was "a great disturbance in the force" which could only be attributed to a mysterious absence of Janna-ness.

You're lucky.
My own invisible marmosets sound more like Fran Drescher, and all they want to talk about is why I keep forgetting to eat that bag of baby carrots in the fridge.

Anyway, it's about 11:45 on a Sunday night, and I'll actually be sleeping in my own bed tonight.

It's been hot here lately, and I don't have any air conditioning. When it's 80 degrees or higher outside, it's inevitably way over 100 indoors. (Really.)
Lately it's been in the 90's out there. Indoors it's been hot enough to make Mercury look like a ski resort. I can't handle this any more.

Who wants to live in a hot humid environment that is unpleasantly reminiscent of the inside of a camel carcass rotting in the desert?

So that's why I've been sleeping at work since Thursday night.
It's ok; the boss told me I could. (She also happens to be my mom.)

There's air conditioning at work.
Unfortunately, there's nothing resembling an actual bed, so I've had to get creative with leaning sideways in a chair, holding a pillow against a pile of stuff.
Tonight I'm here at home, testing the waters to see if I can stand spending the night in my own bed.

I'm so tired, I'm not even going to proofread this post, which should provide ample moments of hilarity tomorrow when I go back and read what I actually said.

If you never hear from me again, it's either because I melted in the middle of the night, or because Fran Drescher plugged up my nostrils with the baby carrots.
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Coming to a theater near you... if I eat more nachos

I am happy to report that I survived the weekend.
In case any of you are curious, here are some various bits of Janna-trivia:

1. What I had for dinner on Saturday: A huge plate of nachos which was very filling, and which later caused my intestines to do an impression of Chewbacca.* ("grrwRRrowwwAArullGH!")

2. Weirdest thing I saw today: A lady riding on horseback while texting at the same time. (Really!)

3. What I realized (again) over the weekend: Just how much I am NOT comfortable in large cities. Give me the country (or an exceedingly small village) any day. Even if it means I have to be the village idiot.

*P.S. If there's ever going to be a new Star Wars sequel, my intestines may have to audition for the part.
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Someday my nose will honk at seven-thirty

Five Evil Things Clowns Haven't Done (yet):

1. Turning the entire world's supply of cheese into vinyl. (They might have started on some of that rubbery "fat free" cheese. It's hard to tell.)

2. Barricading your door with a giant pile of really big shoes

3. Discovering how many lawyers can fit in a Volkswagen-- on a hot July day with the windows up and the A.C. broken. (The jury's still out on whether or not this actually qualifies as "evil".)

4. Secretly putting round red noses on you while you sleep, and honking them right before your alarm clock goes off

5. Bribing world leaders into making big rainbow wigs mandatory for anyone over 40
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Just in case you're still thinking about the rainbow wig thing, I've taken the liberty of poorly and hastily photoshopping eight people from the "over 40" crowd so you can see what they will look like after clowns take over the world.
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Today's "Thursday Thirteen" was in a 5+8 format... Just thought I'd point that out.

If you're a fan of any of these people, please don't hurt me. In fact, I should probably point out that I like some of them too.
Let's see.... I like... three of them. Maybe four.
I'll let you decide which ones.

And... I just realized I'm turning forty next year, which means I'd better start shopping for my wig now.
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I dreamed I was Carrot Top's girlfriend

WEIRD DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT:

I dreamed I had a crush on Carrot Top. I'd go to his shows and admire him from afar until one night when I got on stage with him. He was using some cute little teddy bear as a comedy prop, and I reached out and took the bear.
The audience didn't seem to mind; they must've thought it was pre-planned.
Mr. Carrot said he'd like me to give back the bear, please. I leaned in and whispered something witty and provocative in his ear. (I wish I could remember what it was. All I remember is that it was flirty sizzly hot.)
Then I took another prop of his, which was a gold ring similar to the Lord Of The Rings thing.
He wasn't particularly interested in me, but wasn't rude either.

A few nights later I felt guilty about stealing his bear and ring, so I decided I'd return the items to him. I camped outside his apartment/house like a good little stalker, and waited for him to come out.

When he did, I gave him the bear and the ring.

He seemed so touched by my gesture.... and paused to think for a moment.

"Well," he said, "Since my wife died a few days ago, I guess I could have dinner with you tomorrow. Not tonight, though. I've already had dinner."
(???!!!!)
Without even pausing to think about the creepy "wife-dying" thing, I accepted his invitation, and we were boyfriend & girlfriend from that moment on.

Weird.

Note: Incidentally, I DID meet Carrot Top in person once, many years ago. He did a show at Adrian College. I got to sit right in front with my friend who, coincidentally, DID have a major crush on Carrot Top.
Somewhere I have a t-shirt he autographed.
No teddy bears, though.
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Things I would do if I had a time machine

1) Go back in time and scare Michael Jackson to death with a picture of what he will eventually look like.

2) Go forward in time and enjoy the sight of Barney the Dinosaur finally decomposed into fuel oil.

3) Go back to 1984 and buy a hundred cases of Dimension shampoo, because I LOVED the scent, and so of course they eventually took it off the market. (Maybe because it made some people's hair fall out.) Still, it smelled good. That's what's important, right? You'd still read my blog if I was bald, right?
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The truth about Popeye

While I was house-sitting a couple weeks ago, I watched a lot of TV.
One of the things I watched was some old Popeye cartoons. You all know how it goes: Popeye eats the spinach and instantly miraculously gets strong. His muscles drastically balloon out, and he is able to lift anything or overpower any opponent.

Who knows how many kids actually believed this crap and reluctantly agreed to eat their spinach, only to be bitterly disappointed.

Studies since then have shown that spinach, although still nutritious, does NOT necessarily do a lot for building muscles.
Part of the problem is due to a mistake that happened back in 1870. Dr. E. Von Wolf accidentally got a decimal point in the wrong place, which miscalculated the iron content of spinach to be ten times its actual value. The mistake wasn't discovered until 1937. And even then, the truth wasn't widely publicized until 1981.
Oh, and even though it's still nutritious, guess what: we can't absorb most of the iron anyway. OR the calcium.

"Although much lauded as a nutritional vegetable, spinach has a drawback in that, while containing high levels of iron and calcium, the rate of absorption is almost nil. The oxalic acid binds calcium into an insoluble salt (calcium oxalate), which cannot be absorbed by the body. The same applies to the iron, as it is bound, leaving only 2-5% of the seemingly plentiful supply actually available for absorption."
(Quoted from Innvista)

Poor kids.
Cruelly deceived into consuming shreds of green gunk they would ordinarily have left alone.

I like raw spinach salads. I like spinach quiche and alfredo veggie lasagna with spinach. But as for a big steaming plate of nothing but spinach, ugh. No thank you.
I'll get my iron elsewhere, thank you very much.
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I will never be the strangest person on the planet

Yesterday was Michael Jackson's birthday. He is 50 now.
I used to be a fan, when I was a teenager back in the 80's. I owned the "Beat It" album. (This was the closest I ever came to being "cool." I'll pause for a moment while you all reflect on how truly sad that is.)
Since then, the world has been watching in fascination as he has become stranger and stranger. I love being seen as "just a little bizarre", but ol' Mikey has clearly shown me that there are some levels even I cannot attain.
Would any of you would like to burn the image of MY face into your toast?
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Party on, Mr. Jackson.
We're all wondering what you could possibly do next.
I'll be watching and taking notes.
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Two things

First: One of the nice things about being single is that if you start craving tacos at one in the morning, you can easily drive over to Taco Bell and snack up. If you're married or living with someone, though, you sorta have to explain why you're getting up and putting clothes on and leaving the house in the middle of the night. Plus, you're probably obligated to at least ask if they want you to bring them anything. Or, you could even feel inclined to ignore the aforementioned taco craving altogether, so as to avoid the uncomfortable dialogue with your significant other. (Especially if the two of you share the same bed, and you are craving bean burritos.)

Second: In the comments, please use the following items in a sentence or two: Alligators, Andy Dick, BBQ ribs.

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The Question Room

Ok, finally my migraine seems to be gone, so now I can concentrate on doing a longer post.
I want to tell you all about this weird dream I had earlier, while trying to sleep off the headache.

I dreamed I was spending the night at a house owned by this weird family. (I don't know who they were, I don't know them in real life). There were a few other houseguests as well, including Al Franken and Grandpa Jones from Hee Haw.
This family was really repressed about "bathroom" issues. The following rules were enforced whenever any of us had to go to that section of the house:

1) We had to announce whenever we were going to the bathroom-- except we weren't allowed to call it the bathroom; we had to call it "The Question Room" instead.

2) We were not allowed to be totally naked in The Question Room. If we wanted to bathe, we had to use a sponge or small washcloth soaked in a small jar of soapy water, and we could only uncover whatever body part we were washing at that particular moment. Each of us was assigned our own little jar of soapy water, which we had to carry around with us all the time. I noticed that poor Al Franken had a scouring pad in his jar instead of a sponge or cloth. (ouch!)

3) As we got up and entered the "Question Room" door, we had to audibly pose a question. ANY question, to no one in particular, for no particular reason. The more nonsensical, the better. I wish I could remember what Al Franken's question was. But here are some examples of questions that would have been acceptable:

"Are liquids redundant?"
"Do four aspen branches taste like cloves?"
"Other than vinegar, what else do orange skunks drink?"
"Why is the square root of pi more than your IQ?"
"Whose armpit smells like doritos?"

And everyone in the room would listen to whatever question you asked and discuss it while you were gone.

Get the idea? So after Al Franken came out of the bathroom, I realized I had to go too. So I picked up my jar of soapy water with its little washcloth, and announced that I had to visit The Question Room.
Except as I was about to enter the door, I froze... I couldn't think of a question! Stagefright, writer's block (dreamer's block?), call it what you will, but I couldn't think of a question. So I stood there, anxious because I really had to pee, trying really hard to think of something-- anything-- to ask.
Finally, in desperation, I said "What is nine times eight?" and hurried on in.
I was so disappointed in my question. Somehow I knew that everyone in the other room was looking around with expressions of disgust, thinking "What the hell kind of question was THAT??"

And of course that's when I woke up... with a full bladder.
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Weird dream I had last night

I went to McDonalds and ordered a burger with no onions. Instead it arrived with nothing BUT onions. (this has actually happened to me on more than one occasion). Plus the top bun was a lot larger than the bottom bun, like they'd taken it from a BigMac instead of a regular hamburger. I absolutely can not eat burgers with onions on them, onions seriously make me sick (read here for further explanation). So I took the burger back to complain. I requested a replacement that fit the specifications of what I had ordered. The counter-people were not very helpful and not apologetic at all, so I ended up talking to the manager. For some reason, in my dream, the manager/owner of this McDonalds was Kevin Nealon. (yes, Kevin Nealon from the old "Saturday Night Live" days) He was also a high-school principal, and McD ownership was just a "side gig" for him.
He took me into a back room, where we sat at one of the tables and discussed things. He seemed to be implying that people shouldn't expect so much of him, because he had a rough childhood. He told me about his days in high school, where it was so bad he had to carry a gun to school often. He said he shot & killed people, though I had to kind of draw that information out of him. As the conversation progressed, it was as though I was his therapist, and we were in a counseling session. (Hey, I really do have a therapy degree; if I can't find such a job in the real world, I might as well dream about it, right?) I ended up having to stop the conversation short, saying we should "make an appointment" for the next session, where we could discuss his issues further.
I never did get my hamburger.

Love, Like, Dislike, Hate, Loathe... no, wait...

It seems that everyone has celebrities they like, as well as celebrities they absolutely can not stand. We don't even have to have logical reasons for our intense dislike, it just somehow happens.
Now and then I hear of someone else's celebrity-hatred, and sometimes it ends up affecting how I feel about that celebrity myself. Sometimes not.
Examples:

Rachael Ray:
I used to think she was "okay." Not great, not horrible, just "okay." Granted, she was a bit too perpetually cheerful, as if there's a tube (hidden from the camera) that feeds her a constant enema of caffiene and speed... still, overall I used to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Then I read some blogs where she was clearly described as a pet peeve. And gradually I began to agree with them. I don't despise Rachael Ray, but I do see how her constant spunkiness could easily get on some people's nerves.

Katie Couric:
Honestly, I used to like Katie. She seemed very nice. Then I heard people describe her as stuck up, snotty, bitchy. Now my opinion of her has mellowed. I no longer see her as the sweet, happy, nice friendly person I once did. It's fascinating that I allow my perceptions to be so malleable, so easily affected by the comments of the person next to me.

Phil Collins:
I love this guy's music. Really. I admit it. All of it. A few months ago, I read a blog in which someone could not stand Phil Collins. Phil was a huge pet peeve for somebody (I forget who). Yet, unlike Rachael and Katie, Phil remains just as popular with me as he always was! Still love Phil. Let's dance to Sussudio!!

Jerry Seinfeld:
I like watching Seinfeld. It's one of those good syndicated shows that will live on into perpetuity. I think Jerry is funny, he has good comedic timing and can think 'on his feet' really well. (A quality I wish I had!!) Then I learned one of my friends can not stand him. (This friend's exact words were "He is evil and must be destroyed.") Yet I still like Jerry! My faith in Jerry has not wavered.

Dr. Phil:
I used to absolutely despise Dr Phil. I thought he was condescending, overly-simplistic about certain things, and always too sure that he was right. I hated his overly-confident demeanor. Then I learned (to my dismay) that my mother likes his show a lot. Often when I visit her, I am subjected to watching Dr. Phil. And I grudgingly admit, after about two years I hated him a lot less. There are actually times when I agree with almost everything he says. (gasp!)
Overall, I've decided that maybe ol' Phil isn't so bad.

Jim Carrey:
This guy used to annoy the HELL out of me. He was a huge pet peeve. I could not stand his weird humor, his insane facial expressions and noises, and everything else that made him Jim Carrey. I forget what started to change my mind. But now I tend to like his humor, for the most part. There's something to be said for the complete chaotic nonsense he can create, at a moment's notice, out of thin air. Robin Williams has the same gift. Give them an empty room, they'll somehow find a way to make comedy out of it. Genius.

So, enough about me and my celebrity revelations.
What about the rest of you?
Who do you positively despise? Who do your friends despise? How likely are you to change your mind, based on what someone else thinks?

Weird Dream

I dreamed that our entire family owned a McDonald's together-- and my cousin & I were the only two people who could hear the ghost of Elvis inside it. All I heard from Elvis were low moans, but my cousin said she heard him frantically crying out for Martha Stewart. And while we were trying to investigate, the ghost of Elvis stole my wallet.

Friday ramblings

It's Friday!
For no reason whatsoever, here's a picture of Val Kilmer playing volleyball in Top Gun.
Tonight is the party at Jason's house. (the "day-after-my-birthday" party). I'm looking forward to it. Rumor has it, I might get to try Jello-shots for the very first time. Also, I've been craving shrimp scampi for about a year now (if not longer), and Jason plans on making some of that for me too. :)
Most of the attendees will be driving a very long way to get there. Some will be coming down from the Lansing area, others will be driving in from Adrian. If Morgen attends, he'll be driving in from Dowagiac. This is a long way to travel, just to celebrate someone's birthday, and I'm touched and honored that I have such good friends out there.
Next picture for no reason: Patrick Stewart.
It's raining right now, so I went to www.weather.com and checked out the forecast for this evening. Overnight, the rain is supposed to change over into snow, and the temperatures will drop to more of a January-like range. We've all been spoiled by such a mild winter, that the idea of actual "SNOW" seems like a big deal here. So dress warm and drink lots of hot chocolate, and remember it could be a lot worse. For example, we might live in Denver.
I feel bad for all those folks out in Colorado that really got hit with the snow these past few weeks. Can you imagine being buried in all that? I love winter, but that's just TOO much. If you live out there, my heart goes out to you. There's nothing I can do to help, so lemme just offer worthless advice instead: Wear clean underwear, drink plenty of fluids, and always remember, "I before E, except after C." (Feel free to give me credit, if this information ends up saving your life).
Next picture for no reason: Me, when I was a heckuva lot younger than I am now. I think this is maybe age four or five...? Before kindergarten, anyway.
One thing I bought at the store was the new "Sweet Chili" flavor of Doritos, so one of these days I'll blog about those. I don't expect them to be hot, but maybe they will have a nice sweet burst of spicy flavor. Or maybe they will taste like crap! Tune in later and find out!
Have a good weekend.
I'll blog later about the party.

Movies and Characters

Twelve random movies that I liked (in no particular order):

1. The King And I (with Yul Brynner, et cetera!)
2. Heidi (with Shirley Temple)
3. Pirates Of The Caribbean (Johnny Depp!!!)
4. Pretty Woman (Julia Roberts, Richard Gere)
5. The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy
6. Ladyhawke (Rutger Hauer, Matthew Broderick)
7. Twister (Helen Hunt, Philip Seymour Hoffman)
8. The Wizard Of Oz (How could anyone NOT like this movie???)
9. Goldfinger (Sean Connery as James Bond)
10. Miracle On 34th Street (the original one with Natalie Wood)
11. Independence Day (Jeff Goldblum, Will Smith)
12. Beauty And The Beast (Disney!)

Ten random movie/tv characters I think I might like if I met them in real life:

1. Sebastian the crab (from Disney's The Little Mermaid)
2. Alan Harper (from CBS's Two And A Half Men)
3. Jo Harding (from Twister, played by Helen Hunt)
4. Dr. Ian Malcolm (from Jurassic Park, played by Jeff Goldblum)
5. The Goblin King (from Labyrinth, played by David Bowie)
6. Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp... you had to ask???)
7. Gandalf (from Lord Of The Rings, played by Sir Ian McKellan)
8. Murray Bozinsky (from NBC's Riptide, played by Thom Bray)
9. The Wicked Witch of the West (from Wizard of Oz, played by Margaret Hamilton)
10. The Wicked Witch from just about every Disney movie. (Yes! Let's hex all those darn 'skinny-young-pretty' people out there! A pox on all of you!)