I wouldn't tell you even if you BEGGED me

My regular Jannaverse readers know that every once in awhile I go vegetarian for a week, just for the "fun" of it.
Once I even went vegan for a week, which feels like putting your brain in a blender and drinking it through a straw. (Which, ironically, would not qualify as vegan.)

But "regular" vegetarianism isn't so bad once in a while.
I try new stuff, I blog about the hilarity of the experience, I post what I ate, and everyone loves me and leaves numerous comments.

Ooops. Rewind that, and erase the part about the love and comments.
Actually no one ever cares.
The vast majority of you yawn and turn back to your delicious bacon double cheeseburgers.

This week I've been going vegetarian again (ever since Sunday the 23rd), but I haven't been blogging about it.

And I'm not going to.

You couldn't force me to.

I wouldn't tell you what I had for breakfast even if you begged me and pleaded while holding a pound of chocolate and a dozen kittens.

Go on. Try.

There's a slight possibility I might tell Mike Mills if he asked nicely, but even then I'd probably try distracting him with other things first.
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Pass me the bacon and no one will get hurt.

It's finally over!
I refer, of course, to my week of vegetarianism.

I posted about it every day on Jantrails, where the vast majority of humanity has no clue I exist.
I swear, I could rob a bank over there, and no one would even notice.

For anyone who might conceivably care, here is how the week went.

Monday: The day when I explained why you're probably not wearing pants

Tuesday: The day when I fantasized about swimming in bacon

Wednesday: The day when I ate one of the worst soups ever invented

Thursday: A quiet day when I admitted that I hate monkeys

Friday: Sorry about the drooling and slobbering.

Saturday: Sorry about all your broken bones. I'm still trying to figure out a way to write about the camel urine.

Sunday: A truly bizarre day when I ate absolutely nothing EXCEPT fruits and vegetables. Not even any bread or dairy. Come to think of it, this actually qualified as vegan. And we all know how crazy I turned out after trying a week of THAT.
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Just think, when I wake up on Monday, I'll be able to dance in carnivorous glee once again.
I'm thinking of inventing a new dance called "The Electric Pepperoni".
It involves a pizza and an oven and a lot of chewing.
Not much dancing, actually, now that I think about it.
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I can see them slipping already

If you've just realized that you're not wearing pants, this might be the reason.
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I can almost smell the bacon from here...

Last day of vegetarianism!

Morning:
Half a barbecued yak Oops. I mean a bowl of Kellogg's All-Bran with lowfat milk. No, really.
And some yogurt.

Lunch:
Italian breadsticks with marinara sauce

Dinner:
Cashews
Celery
A peach
"Fiber Plus" bar
Strawberry-Kiwi lemonade
.

Thank you all for humoring me as I did this.
Every time I do this, I'm left with the impression that most of you aren't very entertained by it, but I still find it interesting and somewhat fun. (By "fun" I mean it's way better than hitting myself on the foot with a hammer. And leprosy. It's gotta be better than leprosy, right?)

Just think how much better all those acronym lists will seem in comparison now!

Example:

Things the letters BEEF could stand for:
1. Bob Emits Extraordinary Frequencies
2. Bring Eggplant Every Friday!
3. Beano Eventually Eliminates Farts
4. Boy, Everyone's Extremely Frustrated

Go on. Embrace the acronyms.
You know you want to.

If not, I still have some celery left....
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Blah, blah, blah, celery, yogurt, blah....

Hi, there, all you multitudes of people out there who are just dying to know what I ate today.

(Wait... I can't shut off the sarcasm button... wait... there it is. Ok.)

Anyway, for those of you who care, and I'm naively hoping you exist, here....

Morning:
Yogurt

Lunch:
Peanut butter sandwich
Cheese crackers
Celery
Peach

Dinner:
Lean Cuisine Mushroom Tortelloni (Not bad, though they don't give a very large portion. There were exactly SIX pieces of pasta in the package. Also, I thought it was spelled "Tortellini", not "Tortelloni", but what do I know. My brain is fried from lack of pepperoni and cheeseburgers.)
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Please hold your applause til the end of tomorrow, which is the LAST day of vegetarian week.
On Saturday I get to eat real meat again.
Then the world can end.
Or something like that.
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Help! The pepperoni level in my brain is dropping rapidly!

I had barley for lunch.
Barley.
It was ok, I guess, but my brain kept waiting for me to say "Ha! Just kidding! Here's your pepperoni pizza!"
My brain isn't speaking to me now.Which explains a lot, now that I think about it......................................................................................

Things I have never said to a bowl of barley:

1. "How many whole grains does it take to change a light bulb?"

2. "Here, smell this."

3. "Why don't you ever return my texts?"

4. "Wait-- I thought you grew on trees, just like money."

5. "I hate to tell you this, but most people would rather eat bacon."
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....................................................................................
Today's vegetarian experience:

Morning:
Bowl of Rice Chex
Lowfat milk
Blueberries

Lunch:
Barley, sugar snap peas, and carrots, seasoned with a packet of Lipton "Spring Vegetable" soup mix. (Not too bad, I guess. Maybe. Sorta.)

Mid-Afternoon:
Nutella on a Wasa Wafer (Super yum!)
"Laughing Cow" garlic herb cheese on a Wasa Wafer

Dinner:
2 Garden-Veggie burgers on whole wheat multigrain buns, with cheese
"Black & Blue Berry" Lifewater
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Did Jimmy Buffet ever sing about "Fake Burrito-ville"?

Even though I don't have it very often, one of my favorite breakfast treats is a good hot breakfast burrito.
I love the spice of the sausage and the salsa, the savory cheese, the soft warm tortilla, and the eggs which convince you that no, really, it MUST be all right to eat this for breakfast.

Today I decided to try making a vegetarian version. I used the "fake" breakfast sausage made by Morningstar Farms. I've tried that stuff before, and it's not bad. It's not as delicious as real sausage that used to oink and squeal and wallow in a sty, but still, not bad.

(Please don't tell Wilbur or Babe I just said that.)

Also, just for fun, I decided to try EggBeaters instead of real eggs. I've never had them before, and this seemed like a logical time to start.
I crumbled the pseudo-sausage into the eggs along with a little salsa and scrambled it all together. After it was cooked, I wrapped it in a tortilla along with some cheese and more salsa.

Sounds decent, right?
Alas.
It was awful.

It was something to do with the texture of the egg beaters, I think. Even though the package says they're "99% Real Eggs", they tasted fake and mealy in some spots. Not very "eggy" at all.
It was so bad I couldn't even finish it.

My mother, on the other hand, loved it.
But then, she's known for liking weird stuff.

................................................................................
Breakfast:
Vegetarian breakfast burrito which I concocted in a semi-Frankenstein-like manner

Mid-morning:
Herbal tea

Lunch:
Stir-fry vegetables and rice with teriyaki sauce
Crispy rice noodles

Mid-afternoon:
Six peanut M&M's
"Fiber Plus" bar (dark chocolate almond) (These things are GREAT!)

Dinner:
Lemon Larabar (I've had these before, here)
Yogurt
Multi-grain crackers
.

I know it doesn't look like I had much for dinner.
But I really, honestly, really wasn't all that hungry.
I swear!
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When zombies attack, not even the almonds are safe

If you've read about my past forays into vegetarianism, you may remember that I once said the following things about meatless pizza:

"Veggie Pizzas are like the millions of worms and grubs living underneath your house right now: They DO exist, but you're better off not knowing about them."

"I really, really missed the pepperoni and sausage. The pizza seemed 'empty' without it. Sort of like when a zombie eats your brain and you have the distinct feeling that something very important is missing."

Well, today, I tried again.
For lunch I had pizza with mushrooms, black olives, green olives, and hot peppers.
I still missed the delicious savory taste of the meat, but actually this time it wasn't as bad as I remembered. It was tolerable.

Hopefully this means I will also be able to get used to repeated zombie attacks, if the situation ever arises.

Although I guess they can only eat your brain once.

Also today, I tried some new almonds. They're "Dark Chocolate Cocoa Roast Almonds" from Emerald.
I was expecting rich decadent indulgence. Instead I got normal-tasting almonds with odd brown dust on them. They taste ok as far as the nut part goes, but there's no way this tastes like actual dark chocolate or cocoa. I even tried sucking the flavor off of them, and got nothing memorable.

Perhaps the zombies got to them first.

The cheese spread I had was "Laughing Cow" mozzarella basil.
Meh. It's ok.
I like their chipotle kind better. And the swiss kind.
I will say that these little wedges are awesome when you spread them on the multi-grain buns for the veggie burgers.
Since I hate mayo, this stuff is great because it gives a sandwich the same creamy texture, without any of that horrendous mayonnaise flavor.

By the way, thanks for noticing that I survived the thunderstorms yesterday.
There are more on the way later!

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Morning:
Sliced pears
High-fiber vanilla yogurt
Fresh blueberries
Sugar-free lemonade

Mid-morning snack:
Almonds (supposedly dark chocolate flavored ones)

Lunch:
2 slices of meatless pizza with mushrooms, olives, and hot peppers
Grape tomatoes

Dinner:
Two waffles with butter
4 MultiGrain crackers with cheese spread
Lowfat milk
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And I'm not even wearing my ruby slippers...

This has been quite a day.

I woke up with a migraine which lasted 12 hours. (I still have a headache, it's just a "regular" headache instead of migraine status).

Because of this, I couldn't eat breakfast, and I couldn't eat lunch (other than a Nutrigrain Bar).

I'm just now about to have some dinner, which will consist of garlic bread with marinara sauce, fresh tomatoes, and some lowfat milk.

Now if you'll pardon me, I've gotta get off the computer really quick because there's a big ugly thunderstorm headed our way. It's supposed to bring 2-inch hail, wind gusts of 70 mph, and possibly tornadoes. The windy part is JUST starting to hit.
Yikes.

Maybe that "world ending" thing will happen a day late.

Wait... where's Toto?
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Is bacon a vegetable yet?

The good news is that the world survived May 21, despite predictions to the contrary.
The bad news is that this means I have to keep my promise and go vegetarian for a week.

It's ok.

I've inflicted this on myself before, during other times when I desperately needed something to blog about. (To read about my other veggie-week experiments, click here and scroll down.)
Once I even tried going vegan for an entire week, which is... well, maybe I shouldn't think too much about that. The nightmares will come back.

But "regular" vegetarianism is do-able for a week. I can still have eggs and dairy products, so that gives me a lot to work with.

Here's what usually what happens during this thing: I try new stuff, I blog about whether I liked it (or whether it wasn't even fit to end up in my septic tank), and I mention all the delicious meaty savory yummy things I'm craving but can't have. Sometimes I drool.

Mostly I try to make the best of it, with (hopefully) enough humor to make it palatable.

In the past, I tried such culinary oddities as fake chicken, fake BBQ ribs, organic pesto tortellini, meatless ground "meat", and soy milk. (Plus many more!) (Surprisingly, the soy milk wasn't bad, and the tortellini was delicious.)

This time I plan to try other new things. So stay tuned. If nothing else, you can experience a lovely week of schadenfreude and bask in my deprivation while you sit back and bite into a couple of smoky juicy bacon double-cheeseburgers.

I live to serve.

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Today, I had.....

Morning
-- Fresh blueberries
-- Fresh strawberries
-- High-fiber yogurt flavored like Key Lime Pie. (Surprisingly, it's nowhere near as bad as it sounds. I actually like it.)
-- Grape tomatoes

Midday
-- Bean & cheese burrito with fresh homemade garlic-habanero salsa
..... (The salsa was homemade by a friend, and it is awesome!)
-- Tomatoes
-- Diet Pepsi
-- Small soft-serve ice cream cone (Hey, even vegetarians need dessert.)

Evening
-- Macaroni & cheese
-- GardenVeggie Burger on a whole wheat/whole grain bun
-- Lowfat milk

Late Night Snack
-- Fresh Strawberries & Blueberries
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Will broccoli cost less after the world ends?

As you might have heard, a group is predicting that the world is going to end tomorrow (May 21st, 2011).

I know exactly how to save it.

I can say the following sentence:

"If the world DOESN'T end tomorrow, I promise to go vegetarian for a week."

And I will.

First, let's see if I wake up tomorrow morning.

P.S. Come to think of it, broccoli DOES sort of resemble a mushroom cloud...
but then, so do mushrooms.
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I'll be over here in the corner making a cabin out of bacon

I spent most of the evening laying in bed with a headache, since there's a nasty weather front moving through. (And, I might add, a winter storm which will dump a bunch of snow on us by Monday night. But oh well. It's Michigan, right?)

Guess what! It's Sunday! The very last day of my pointless self-imposed week of vegetarianism! I can almost hear the bacon cheeseburgers clawing at my front door.

At least I hope that's what that is.

Thank you, to all of you who put up with my little experiment yet again. As most of you know, this is my second foray into vegetarianism. Even though the first try (last year) didn't go badly at all, I was surprised by how much more smoothly this time went. I was at peace with the whole thing and didn't really have any super-strong cravings. My brain knew it was only a one-week thing. :)
Last time I really, really wanted BBQ ribs. (Real ones, not fake monstrosities). This time I'm sort of looking forward to a bacon double cheeseburger, but it's a mild desire instead of an insistent urge.

Thank you also to Grace, who commented that my menus looked healthful. I agree. I went out of my way to choose high-fiber multi-grains (buns, tortillas, crackers). I ate fresh fruit (grapefruits, pears, kiwi, kumquats, raspberries), yogurt, veggie burgers (which I really liked), herbal tea, and... well, you get the idea. Yes, there were occasional indulgences like fries or ice cream, but they were the exception, and I think it's important to let yourself have indulgences like that sometimes.

Also, I don't know if any of you noticed this or not, but I made it through the entire week without eating even one salad. I'm oddly proud of that. Not that I dislike salad, but I wanted to prove it's possible to be vegetarian without being a salad-hound.

No offense to any of you who may or may not currently be salad hounds. :)

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Brunch:
Raspberries
Kiwi fruit
Raw Habanero pepper (!)
Breaded mushrooms w/trio of dipping sauces
(spicy lemongrass, sweet barbecue, and hot chili garlic)

Afternoon snack:
Chocolate mousse

Dinner:
Amy's Organic Pesto Tortellini
Veggie burgers on multigrain buns
Glass of milk

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Now pass the bacon.
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The oxymoron of meatless ribs

Today I tried the Meatless BBQ ribs.
I was excited about it, since I love BBQ things, and figured this couldn't possibly be all that bad.
While they weren't horrible, they weren't exactly great either.
And I can't quite put my finger on what was wrong. (Besides, of course, the fact that they were meatless BBQ ribs which had never seen the inside of an actual animal.)

The appearance was curiously similar to meat.
The smell was decent enough, I guess.
The sauce was decent enough, smoky and sweet and plentiful.
The texture was semi-ok. It was extra tender, sort of like when ribs have been slow-cooked for so long that they just fall right off the bone. And yet...
The taste of the product itself... well... kind of oddly nondescript. Not meaty. And the more I started questioning the taste, the more I started questioning the texture.
I guess I could sum it up as being "Peculiar but not horrendous, but not something I ever plan on trying ever again."

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Breakfast:
(Nothing. I slept in! It's Saturday!!)

Lunch:
BBQ "riblet" sandwiches made from fake BBQ riblet meat

Snack:
Ice cream cone

Dinner:
French fries
Yogurt with strawberries and blueberries
Bottle of Dasani water

Most fart-producing evening snack EVER:
Bean burrito
Onion rings

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The sound of four dollars whimpering softly

Today I tried something new.
I saw the words "spicy szechuan" and got all excited.
Or, it's perhaps more accurate to say I got my hopes up.
Here are my thoughts on "Annie Chun's Spicy Szechuan Noodles".

1. You call THAT spicy? Bah. I am shaking my head in disappointment as I type this.

2. The ingredients are all vacuum-sealed for freshness, which is why I mistakenly assumed they would NOT taste as stale as a twenty-year-old bag of pecans which went rancid sometime during the years when MTV actually played music videos instead of garbage programs. Silly me.

3. The entire contents of the package, after being prepared, could fit in the palm of my hand-- and you want me to believe that it's TWO servings???

4. And, for that tiny amount, I had to pay almost four dollars?? Yikes! (!!!)

(Note: When I re-read #2 and #3, it reminds me of an old joke where a guy visits a diner and says he wants to complain to the manager. He says he has two complaints. First, he says the food is absolutely awful. Terrible. Horrendously bad. The manager says "Ok, well, what's the second complaint, then?" The guy replies "The portions were so tiny!")

There.
Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I have to reassure you that I am actually in a pretty decent mood today. After all, it's Friday. I have Saturday and Sunday to go, and then on Monday, I will be returning to my natural carnivorous state. Though I have to say, vegetarianism hasn't been all that bad this time. I've approached it with a peaceful calm equanimity, knowing it's only temporary.

I imagine it's sort of like being a grandparent. It's not so bad having the grandkids over for brief visits, even if they can be fussy and troublesome occasionally. You don't stress out too much about it because you know you'll be giving them back to their parents soon. :)

Stay tuned for tomorrow's exciting menu; I plan on trying the meatless BBQ ribs!
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Breakfast:
1/2 Grapefruit
Hot tea

Lunch:
2 Pears
Havarti caraway cheese
Rye Triscuits
Hot tea

Snack:
Ice cream cone

Dinner:
Amy Chun's "Spicy" Szechuan noodles :(
2 Veggie Burgers made with the Garden Veggie patties

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Gimme a C..... Gimme an H.....

Not much to say about the vegecidal feast today, other than the fact that CHEESE was the star of the day. I had cheesy tortellini with extra cheese on top, cheese and crackers, cheetos*, and Italian cheese bread.
Yay cheese.
Cheese is good.
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Breakfast:
1 Pear
Hot tea

Lunch:
Amy's Organic Pesto Tortellini
(Extra parmesan cheese on top)
Rye triscuits
Havarti cheese w/caraway

Snack:
Cheetos*
Diet Pepsi

Dinner:
Italian cheese bread
Marinara sauce
.

*P.S. Cheetos may or may not involve actual cheese, but let's go ahead and pretend.
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The prisons are full of people who ate pancakes at 10:01

When I was a kid, I felt it was morally ethically intrinsically [insert similar adverb here] WRONG to eat breakfast food at dinnertime. It felt like someone was cheating, breaking the universal breakfast rules which clearly say that eggs/toast/sausage/cereal/omelettes/pancakes/hashbrowns/etc may only be consumed in the hours between 4 am and 10 am. I forget where exactly I found these rules, but I'm sure they're out there somewhere, stamped firmly on the fabric of space-time.

What's interesting is that I've apparently reached a point in my life where I no longer care about the breakfast rules. I've been known to shamelessly eat bowls of cereal in the evening, sausage-egg-cheese biscuits for lunch, and waffles for a late-night snack.

Tonight, for example, I had french toast and scrambled eggs for dinner.

So far I still haven't been struck dead.
Here's hoping.

How about you guys? Did you ever feel like there were somehow "rules" against eating breakfast stuff at non-breakfast times? How old were you when you changed your mind? When was the last time you ate breakfast for dinner? What's your favorite breakfast thing to have at odd times of the day/night?

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Breakfast:
Hash browns
Bottle of Dasani water

Lunch:
Two grilled burritos made with the fake ground meat (see yesterday's post for recipe)
1 pear
Hot herbal tea

Snack:
Grapefruit
More tea

Dinner:
French toast
Scrambled eggs
Ice cream (!)
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P.S. This afternoon someone robbed a local bank. I swear it wasn't me. Proof of this can be found in the fact that I am still poor.
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If you promise to comment, I'll eat a breath mint

Welcome to Day #2 of my "Vegetarianism-For-No-Reason".

Today I tried the meatless ground "meat" two other ways.
For lunch I made a burrito, and for supper I added it to some marinara sauce and pasta.
I have to admit, both were good. Especially the burrito. I really was surprised.

Burrito:
Combine meatless ground stuff with taco seasoning, rice, cheese, salsa, garlic, and diced jalapenos. Roll it up securely into a soft tortilla and grill it in one of those sandwich grill thingies until it's seared and crisp. Serve with taco sauce.

Marinara Sauce:
Combine meatless ground stuff with marinara sauce, making sure to add extra garlic so you can breathe death on all your enemies. Serve over pasta.

Number of paczki eaten today: FOUR. (!!!) (yum!)
Bits of pastry and filling are still swimming happily through my veins. My brain is humming a bunch of catchy tunes from the 80's, and it doesn't even care how many pounds I probably gained. (Hear that? Right now it's humming Owner Of A Lonely Heart.)

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Breakfast:
1 Raspberry paczki
1 Blueberry paczki
Lots of hot tea

Lunch:
Grilled burrito made with meatless ground "meat" (see recipe above)

Snack:
1/2 Grapefruit

Dinner:
Pasta with garlic marinara sauce and meatless ground "meat". (see above)
Pepsi "Max"

Snack:
1 Raspberry paczki
1 Blueberry paczki
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Cows are already starting to feel more comfortable in my presence

I have officially tried the meatless ground meat!

I used it as a topping for crispy tortilla pizzas:

Take 2 tortillas (I used tomato basil ones), top them with spaghetti sauce and the meatless ground stuff, then top with shredded parmesan cheese. (Because I'm a freak, I like tabasco sauce on mine too). Bake until crispy. Voila!

It tastes pretty much like pizza with ground beef on it. I should probably have mixed the "meat" with the sauce first instead of sprinkling it on top, because it did come out slightly dry. But other than that, it really wasn't bad at all.

Next I plan to try it in something Mexican.

Tomorrow is "Fat Tuesday", which means there will be paczki everywhere. I'm looking forward to that! And since they're meatless, I'll be able to have a hundred trillion of them and still call myself a vegetarian.
(Curiously, the same thing is true of Twinkies.)

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Day 1:

Breakfast:
Lots of hot tea
Kumquats*

Lunch:
2 Veggie Burgers on multi-grain "thin buns" (yum!)
Havarti cheese w/caraway (super yum!)
More tea

Snack:
More tea
More kumquats*

Dinner:
2 Tortilla pizzas with meatless ground meat

Snack:
Rolo (chocolate covered caramel thingy)
Glass of milk

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*It's fun to say the word "kumquat" over and over again.
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The sound you hear is the thundering approach of meatless meat

Awhile back I asked if anyone had any interest in seeing me try another vegetarian week.
Absolutely zero people voted for it, but guess what!
I'm doing it anyway! :)

As with last time, I'm doing this just for the heck of it, not because of any anti-meat beliefs or health concerns. I just like to confuse myself now and then, plus it's something to complain blog about.

So, from Monday 2/15/10 through Sunday 2/21/10, I'll let you all know how things are going. The entire post may not be about that topic, but at the very least I'll mention what I ate that day, and what I thought of the new things I tried.

If I start having hallucinations about flying barbecued giraffe livers, I'll be sure to mention that too.

Incidentally, I've already bought most of my groceries for this escapade, including the following which I'm curious about trying:

Meatless ground meat: I guess this can be used with tacos or spaghetti sauce. Time will tell. For right now, I'm just amused at the idea of "meatless ground meat". If I remember correctly, Gwen uses a variety of this called "Just Like Ground". Gwen, tell me... what do you DO with it??

Meatless BBQ ribs: Previously I would have assumed this refers to just a bottle of BBQ sauce, but apparently there's actually some solid meat-like formation to it also.

Stay tuned. I'll post more later.

P.S. I wonder if they make meatless flying BBQ giraffe livers.
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I must have been hungry when I wrote this post

Various Thoughts:

1. Garlic is so delicious I might love it more than oxygen. Luckily it can combine WITH air to form the substance known as "garlic breath."

2. I love kumquats. Both because they're tasty, and because it's fun to say "Kumquat" over and over again.

3. I'm also considering the possibility of trying another self-imposed "Vegetarian Week" here at the Jannaverse. My sanity has almost returned after the previous vege-week, and it's important not to have too much sanity over here. Let me know if this is something you'd like to see me inflict upon myself again.

My previous week of "Vegetarianism For No Good Reason" was last year in late August/early September. You can refresh your memory by reading up on the results here:

August 30: "My Week Of Vegecide"
August 31: "Daydreaming About Gnawing On A Yak"
September 1: "The Road To Insanity Is Paved With Thousands Of Little Orange Cones"
September 2: "Daydreaming About Nibbling On Bunnies And Flamingos"
September 3: "What Kind Of Wine Goes With Strabbit?"
September 4: "Things The Letters FEET Could Stand For"
September 5: "Now Please Don't Tell Me To Jump Off A Cliff...."
September 6: "I'll Have A Truckload Of Chocolate With A Side Salad, Please"
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