Things I may never say:
*Purple flamingos taste SO much better than the pink ones.
*Drinking half a gallon of vodka was the best decision I made all day!
*Why YES, I would love to buy strange meat over the Internet. How about some camel meat or some ostrich patties or, hey, here's some iguana!
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1. The car that requires the gas
2. The crown jewels
3. Psychotherapy (or so I hear.)
4. Coffee made from poop.
(Don't believe me? Read it and weep.)
5. Teenagers.
6. Open heart surgery
7. Casu Marzu (cheese with maggots in it... on purpose.)
(Again, read it and weep.)
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Having a rotten day?
Ready to just give up and eat four pounds of Cheetos and crawl under the covers?
Go ahead. I won't judge.
Just remember to be grateful that things aren't worse... for example, you could be THIS guy... or, ohmygosh, even THIS guy.
Now that you're busy gasping in horror, can I have some of your Cheetos?
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It's supposed to be hot Tuesday.
I'm staying downtown where there's A.C.Send money Send happy thoughts.
I promise not to eat any asparagus cakes or shreds of gold.
And, just for you, I promise not to drink any of this either.
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Need to procrastinate more often? Need a convenient excuse to explain why you were three hours late or accidentally lost four thousand dollars?
No problem.
Just use this Emergency Excuse Generator:
My favorites so far:
"There was a lizard in the bathroom."
"My truck ran out of cyanide trisulfate."
"I had to dig a tunnel through the highway so I could bury a deceased chinchilla."
"The executive director bit me."
"My bicycle ran out of coolant."
"The sprinkler system in the bathroom burned out."
"I had to clean the plutonium tetraoxide stabilizer of my Segway."
"My hamster had a mental breakdown."
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Go to this site and find out how much longer you have left to live.
(If I claim to be "sadistic", it tells me I should already be dead.
Otherwise I have a few years left.
Enjoy me while you can.)
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I like Doritos, usually. Once in awhile I try weird flavors that disappoint me, (like here and here), but in general I'm grateful for the Dorito-esque presence on our lovely planet.
With that in mind, may I please direct your attention to the following site:
102 Doritos Flavors from around the world
(Butter and soy sauce? Crispy salmon? Roe and mayonnaise? Roasted Turkey? Seaweed Doritos? Really?)
And, while we're at it, you might also want to look at this one too:
101 Pringles Flavors from around the world:
(Imagine Pringles like "Blueberry Hazelnut", "Prawn Cocktail". "Lemon", "Soft-shelled Crab", and, of course, "Seaweed".)
If none of that interests you, you can at least go read about this weird dream I had during a migraine back in 2007. It contains the word "doritos", so that sort of vaguely goes with today's post, right?
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Because it's going to be super hot today and I have no air conditioning at home, I plan to sleep elsewhere tonight (and probably tomorrow too).
Don't worry; it's nowhere exciting.
I still have posts scheduled for the week, and you might not even notice I'm gone.
If you miss me so badly you just can't stand it, feel free to write yourself a prescription using this cute little site here.
See? I used it and made myself a prescription that may come in very handy...
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Let me know if you have a sense of deja vu....
While websurfing, I found these lovely and bizarre things which I feel compelled to share.
Recipe for vegan macaroni and cheese (which contains no actual cheese):
http://playwithmyfood.com/2011/04/30/its-a-bird-its-a-plane-its-vegan-mac-n-cheese/
Or, if being vegan is not your thing, here are instructions on how to make roses out of bacon:
http://www.instructables.com/id/Bacon-Roses/
If you aren't currently vegan but WANT to be, this experiment will go a long way toward giving you meat-nightmares. (Hint: It involves maggots!)
http://www.stinkymeat.net/stinkymeat/day1/
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P.S. The reason you might have a sense of deja vu is because this originally posted last week. Blogger un-posted it during the great "Blogger-pocalypse" on Thursday/Friday, tossing it back into my "scheduled" list. So I'm re-posting it in a futile attempt to retain some actual control over my cyber-life. For all I know, they'll put it back at its original posting spot as soon as my back is turned.
I realize resistance is futile.
But hey, at least there's bacon.
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Even though they spelled "broccoli" wrong, I still found this amusing:
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Things I found while aimlessly surfing the web:
1. Just imagine being so famous that people will want to do THIS after you're dead.
All I want to know is, what kind of "family friend" saves a jar full of your poop?
2. A few days ago, I mentioned how much I loved ice cream. I was not, however, referring to the kind at this London place which is made from breast milk.
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Um....
If any of you feel like buying plane tickets to New Zealand, you can still arrive in time for their food festival on March 12.
They're serving shots of horse semen.
You can get it in vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry flavored.
Oh, if only I was joking.
But it's true.
Here's the link.
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Things I have never seen conveniently placed within arm's reach:
1. A million dollars
2. An elephant who would kindly offer to poop on my enemies' driveways
(This is probably just as well, since I can't recall having any enemies anyway).
4. Plane tickets to Canada, along with a legally binding promise that I will not be groped OR irradiated at the airport
3. The keys to the Aston Martin DB5 that James Bond drove in Goldfinger
5. Haggis (thank God).
6. A zebra who is disgruntled with the world's political scene
7. Johnny Depp
8. A green medium-nibbed Pelikan fountain pen
9. A zebra in Canada who is disgruntled with Johnny Depp's recipe for haggis
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P.S. In case you're interested, here's a store that sells paper made from elephant poop. Forty-five cents PER SHEET. (!!)
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Would you like to know what the difference is between you and me?
Would you?
I'll tell you.
No, it has nothing to do with hating onions or thinking this is the most awesome picture ever or wondering if barbecue sauce might be good on waffles with bacon and bratwurst.
No, it's the fact that for the past three days, I have had an old Chiquita banana commercial stuck in my head.
And I can't make it go away.
Ack... there it is again!
No...
Must... not... dance....
*sob*
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I have wonderful news.
Depending on your definition of "wonderful", of course.
It would appear that McDonald's is bringing back the "McRib" for six weeks, starting on November 2nd.
I'm relieved to discover that I'm not the only person who's excited.
I also realize that the McRib is not exactly beloved by everyone on the planet, especially by people who are turned off by freakishly shaped pseudo-patties that may or may not have ever actually emitted an "oink".
But that's ok.
There will just be more left over for me.
(Without the onions, of course.)
Get ready!
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1. If they made chocolate-flavored aspirin, I might enjoy my headaches more.
2. My cats' hair gets everywhere. Everywhere. When the Hubble telescope sends us new pictures, I fully expect to see cat hair in other galaxies.
3. There's a guy over in China with no arms-- and he can probably play the piano better than you can. Try not to become too discouraged about that.
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Have you ever laid awake at night, fraught with stress and can't sleep because you're trying to think of the name of that blue furry Sesame Street guy who always sounds like he needs a throat lozenge? This site can help. It will re-introduce you to every Muppet and Sesame Street character you ever knew. You will breathe a sigh of relief and say "Ohhhh. His name was Grover," and then you can roll over and go to sleep, only to have dreams with songs like these.
After a brief discussion with Kermit the Frog, you can remind each other of the letter "H" and the number 7, agreeing that the world as we know it would indeed fall apart without them.
Unless you live in Russia, where the letter "H" is actually the letter "N".
The world would also fall apart without duct tape, yet it's odd how the Muppets never sing about that.
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1. Pretty much all these toys.
2. Am I the only one who thinks this looks like a pile of worms?
3. This video of chocolate bunnies being killed by a hot iron... and other methods.
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P.S. Thanks, Gwen, for alerting me to the chocolate bunny murders.
I will never quite be the same ever again.
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Look! See, I'm not the only strange thing hanging around in the unwashed gutters of cyberspace...
1. If you're tired of the traditional "Rock Paper Scissors" game, you can always try one which has cockroaches, aliens, nukes, dynamite, and monkeys. And a bunch of other stuff.
2. Directions on how to start a fire, using a lens made from ice.
3. Please, for goodness sake, promise me you won't drink any liquid cereal while visiting the Jannaverse.
4. I'm sure I'm the last person to notice this, but there is an entire website devoted to the concept of condoms for dogs. Notice the "product recall" link at the top of the page. You'll find that they had trouble because they made the condoms MEAT-scented. (???!!) The dogs kept trying to eat them....
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