I love this joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well," He said, "You can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
.

Recycled Joke for today

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The head nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, she was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
"Are my test results back???

Recycled Joke for today

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

joke of the day

An old woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you have to help me. I have terrible gas, but the good thing is that my farts are silent, and they don't stink. In fact, I have farted twice since I got here and you didn't even notice."
The doctor replied, "No problem; take these pills and come back in one week."
So one week goes by and the woman returns to the doctor and says, "Wow, I don't know what you did, but now my farts reek!!"
The doctor says, "Good; now that we cleared up your sinuses, let's work on that hearing."

Halloween joke

(My mother sent me this. Enjoy.)

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Bad mood

I've been in a bad mood today for no discernible reason. It IS Friday the 13th, though I doubt that has anything to do with it. I spent awhile searching for pictures to accompany this post, using keywords like "bitchy," "scowl," "miserable," "bad mood," etc. And I came up with some interesting results, but finally decided to just make the picture myself.
Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

By the way, here's a recycled joke from my e-mail that seemed appropriate for the occasion:

A golfer was looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK....." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" So he tells the guy the whole story about
how he got there.
While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't going to be your day, is it?"

Recycling is GOOD, right?

This is yet another one of those days when I have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say. Luckily I haven't quite learned to let that stop me.
Since I have no real topics to discuss, I thought I'd go through my e-mail "humor" folder and post a few jokes you've all probably heard a thousand times already.
Enjoy.

Recycled Joke #1:
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Recycled Joke #2:
Two salesmen were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. Seeing the two salesmen at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude salesmen was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the salesmen said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Recycled Joke #3:
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were
sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one
evening.. The old man looked over and said to
the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and
for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that
rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on
that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take
you back to my room, light some candles, and give you
the most romantic evening you've ever had in your
life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple
minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls
out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want
the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old
man.
"Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the
rocking chair!"