At least now I don't have to worry about being a nanny

Time for the very last British grocery item I'll be trying (at least for now).

It's something called "Barley Water".

Have you ever seen Mary Poppins?
Y'know the part where the two kids are singing about what kind of nanny they want, and one of their criteria is that she shouldn't "smell like barley water"?

I never understood that.
I remember asking Mom what it meant, and she didn't know either. Her best guess was that it referred to some kind of alcoholic beverage, and the kids were saying they didn't want to smell booze on the nanny's breath.

This sort of made sense, until I saw an actual bottle of barley water in the British aisle of the supermarket.

According to this, it's made by boiling barley (like you would if you were making barley soup) and using the leftover cooking water as the base for the beverage.
Weird.

It tastes... strange. I involuntarily made a "yuk" face after I tasted it. Then I made another "yuk" face, except that one was totally voluntary.

I tried it diluted in water (as per the directions on the bottle), and also tried it diluted in Sprite.
Bleccchh.

My advice: Save the barley for soup, and throw out the cooking water.
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Maybe we can call it "B2" sauce

Time for another British grocery item.
This week it's London Pub Steak & Chop Sauce.
It's in a square bottle which is shaped just like an A-1 bottle.
It tastes pretty similar to A-1 too.
It'd be good on a burger, or stirred into some sauteed mushrooms, or even as a dip for french fries.
I heartily approve.

What I want to know, though, is this:
If I was to sail/swim/fly over to London, and find my way into a real London pub, would there be bottles of this stuff on the tables there? Would they know what I was talking about if I asked for it? Would they look at me funny if I dipped my french fries into it?
(Would it be better if I called them "chips" instead of french fries?)

I started wondering why there's no American equivalent. Oh, sure, we have all kinds of steak sauces, but none named after a specific type of eating establishment in a specific place. Then I realized... Would YOU buy a sauce called "Skanky Detroit Bar" or "Chicago Hole-In-The-Wall" or "New Jersey Roadside Place Which Almost (but not quite) Got Shut Down By The State Safety Inspector Again"?

Worse yet, just imagine the sauce that might emerge from a place like this:


It all makes sense now.
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Let's eat something YELLOW today!!!

It's time to try more British groceries.
After last week's horrendous fiasco with the mushy peas, I wondered how much worse things could get. Which is kinda scary, since I know they MUST have worse things than bad peas over there.

This week I tried British "Lemon Curd".

I'd never tried a jar of lemon curd before. It sounds awful, like cheese curds, or Little Miss Muffet sitting on a tuffet eating her curds and whey. Plus it looks like thick raw scrambled eggs.

For your convenience, I just Googled what a "tuffet" is.

Anyway, back to the lemon curd.

Ready for this? It's delicious! It's just like the lemony part of lemon pie or lemon bars. I love those! I've been eating lemon curd all this time and never even knew it.

I tried it on a Wasa wafer, and on a Hobnob, and, yes, on a Twinkie. The tart lemon didn't didn't blend so well with the chocolaty Hobnob, but it went well with the Wasa, and it was positively heavenly on the Twinkie.

This stuff is great.

Apparently it's not exclusively a British thing, but this is a British brand I bought in the British aisle.
Not to be confused with the British Isles.
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The word "mushy" should've been my first clue

We all have times in our lives when we innocently do things we later deeply regret.
For some people, it involves a fifth of whiskey and a box of fireworks. For others, it involves poodles, jello, and duct tape.

For me, it involved a can of peas.

I'd like to start by saying that I generally LIKE canned peas. They do have a softer texture than the frozen variety, but I'm ok with that. Canned peas have always been my friends.
Until today.

I'll admit I was curious when I saw it sitting there in the British section of the supermarket. The label said "Batchelor's Mushy Original Cooked Dry Peas... artificially colored." (Imagine that; it's from Lincolnshire, England, and yet they didn't spell "colored" with a "u".

I bought them, figuring it'd be an easy thing to try. Surely, I reasoned, the word "mushy" is simply referring to the fact that canned peas have a slightly softer texture compared to fresh or frozen.

Then I tried them, and the horrors began.

First, they are BRIGHT green-- the most brilliantly artificially bright green peas I've ever seen. I expected to find a neon sign buried just below the surface, imploring me to "Eat At Joe's".

But that was nothing compared to the texture and taste.

They were NOTHING like the canned peas I'm used to.
The texture was grainy, mealy, gritty, pasty, and, yes-- mushy.
It looked like a few slightly mashed peas swimming in a super-thick pond of algae.
I thought of baby food.
The taste was awful.
I seriously considered throwing them away-- but they were so expensive I hated to waste them. So I choked down the entire thing, mush and algae and all.
Blecchh.

If I ever move to England, I'm going to have to smuggle in my own cans of peas.
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My biscuit is nobblier than your biscuit

It's time to try more British groceries!
This week the item is called "HobNobs".
The package describes them as "Nobbly Oaty Biscuits."

Since I don't think I've ever used the word "Nobbly" in all my 40 years on this planet, this seems like as good a time as any to start.

Appearance-wise, they look remarkably similar to the "digestive biscuits" I tried a couple months ago. The difference is that these are more like crispy oatmeal cookies. Thus the description of a "Nobbly Oaty" texture.

Surprisingly, they're not bad at all. I say "surprisingly" because I'm ordinarily not that fond of oatmeal cookies. Especially the miserable concoction of oatmeal-raisin cookies. If I'm going to eat a cookie with little brown pieces in it, they had BETTER be chocolate chips.
Raisins are a cruel hateful joke.

Anyway, these were good because the tops were covered in chocolate.
Funny how chocolate makes it all better.

Things that MIGHT not be improved by chocolate:
1) Pickles
2) Tortilla chips
3) Chicken noodle soup
4) Hot dogs
5) Cheetos
6) Ketchup
7) Garlic bread

As with the Aero bar, there is also a chocolate orange version of this, which (of course) I won't get to try because it's not available in my area.
[insert unhappy words here].
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Air has zero calories, right?

Time to try yet another British grocery item!

This week, it's an "Aero" bar.

I was excited to try this because the description reminded me of one of my favorite ex-candy bars.
Back in the 70's, there was something called a "Choco-Lite" bar. It was chocolate which had lots of tiny air bubbles whipped into it.
This made for a really unique texture when you bit into it.
I really loved it... So, of course, the company stopped making it, which seems to be a recurring theme in my life.

Anyway, the Aero bar claimed to be made the same way, full of zillions of tiny air bubbles.

It is indeed!
It's got that same texture I liked in the "Choco-Lite.

I see, from the Wikipedia page, that there used to be a chocolate-orange version of Aero. No doubt they stopped making it because someone sent them an anonymous telegram informing them that Janna would really LOVE that.

"Egad!" They said, their voices full of alarm while still retaining a cool British accent. "We must cease production of this item immediately!"

It's ok.
I'm not bitter.
Well, maybe a little.

Still, I'm glad I got to try the regular version.
It's fun to eat and it brought back good memories.

Shhhh. Don't tell them I liked it.
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Plus, it's fun to say "chutney" over and over again for no reason

Here I am, once again trying various items from the British section of the supermarket.

Today's item is Sharwood's Mango & Ginger Chutney.

You might recall that I tried a different kind of chutney back in December of 2008, which I blogged about here. I described it as follows:

"Somewhere up in Saskatchewan, a bottle of barbecue sauce falls in love with a bottle of sweet-and-sour sauce. They live together for awhile, and start talking about getting married, but then the sweet-and-sour sauce has an affair with a bottle of worcestershire sauce.
Sweet-and-sour gets pregnant, and is not entirely sure who the father is.
So, when the kid is born, they all go on the Jerry Springer show and shout and throw chairs at each other before agreeing to do a paternity test.

That is exactly what tamarind chutney tastes like."

Surprisingly, this is pretty much what Sharwood's Mango Ginger Chutney tastes like too, except it's weaker on the worcestershire (tamarind) flavor, and stronger on the sweet-and-sour flavor.

The nice thing is that it can make an otherwise common boring meal into one you can proudly describe to your friends.

"I had roast pheasant with new baby potatoes and innocent basil flambe over goat trachea fois gras," they'll proclaim with their usual air of snobbery. "What did YOU have?"

"Oh, I had tender succulent chicken delicately glazed in mango ginger chutney," you can say nonchalantly, while doing your best to hide the McNuggets box.
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No teeth were harmed in the making of this post ... (Ooops, wait... Never mind)

Today I tried yet another British grocery item.
This time it was Rowntree's Fruit Pastilles.
I was expecting to like them, after the comments Mik and MikeWJ left on last week's post.

I imagined something soft and pleasantly chewy, like gummy bears.

Instead, they are a cross between gumdrops, leather, and sandpaper.

Very tough and hard to chew, with a tooth-scrapingly hard coating of sugar crystals.

They are so sweet they make Disney princesses look like ear wax.

The box has pictures of the fruit flavors: Strawberry, Orange, Lemon, Lime, and what looks like Blueberry but definitely isn't. In fact, I'm 94% sure it's Black Currant.

Brief side story: 22 years ago, I spent about a month in Europe (Germany, Denmark, Norway, Sweden). While there, I developed a sore throat and had to buy cough drops. I ended up getting some black currant flavored ones, and quickly discovered that they tasted horrible.
Black currant is not fruity at all, but kind of ugly and under-achieving and perhaps so bitter about its shortcomings that it actually laughs at the unattractive faces people make when they try it.

Blecchh.

P.S. While I was in Sweden, a bird pooped on me.
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This is what happens when you spell "beans" with a "z"

For this week's experimental journey into the realm of British groceries, I tried "Heinz Curry Beanz".

The label describes it as "Baked beans and sultanas in a mild curry sauce."

I discovered that sultanas are raisins.

Some of the ingredients include navy beans, sultanas (raisins), apples, tomato puree, mango chutney, curry powder, lemon juice, and spices.

I have to admit, it didn't taste anything like what I was expecting. I imagined a mushy bland concoction which wasn't all that great.

But this was interesting.

Definitely sweeter and fruitier than regular baked beans, and not mushy at all. Very firm, in fact. And the unusual seasoning which kind of lingers-- that must be the curry.
Unlike the culinary fiasco of the spaghetti loops, this actually had some flavor ("flavour") to it. I could actually taste the ingredients. Especially the raisins.
Fascinating.
The only way it could have been better is if it had been hot spicy curry instead of wimpy mild.

I'd probably get these again, if only they didn't cost $2.79 for a little 7 oz can. (!!!)

Oh, and they make a ton of farts.

Er, I mean, "fartz".
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Mmmmm.... Squidgy!

Today's British grocery item is Jaffa Cakes.

Now I have to say, I was excited when I saw these in the store.
They're described as follows:
"Ten spongy cakes with the squidgy orange bit".

And the picture showed them covered with chocolate.

My eyes blinked wide.
I LOVE the combination of chocolate and orange flavors.

One of my very favorite things in the whole entire world is chocolate covered candied orange peel.
It's hard to find, so I make sure to enjoy it immensely when I find some.

Jaffa cakes are amazing.
I love them.
I need a tote bag that says "Janna Loves Jaffa!"
Seriously, I will be buying these again. And again.

Incidentally, they really DO have a "squidgy orange bit".
But it's squidgy in a good way.
Like, "happy joyous squidginess that makes your mouth glad to be alive."

Not "dead waterlogged rat" squidgy at all.
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
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Because Every Country Needs Circular Pasta

Today's excursion into British groceries involves something called "Branston Spaghetti Loops".

The label shows something similar to SpaghettiOs.

They taste like a slightly blander version of SpaghettiOs, if you can imagine such a thing.

The label claims ingredients such as Paprika, Onion Powder, Clove Extract (??!!), Capsicum Extract, and Garlic Oil.
I can personally attest that no such flavors are evident in any way.

(Wait... I should probably spell "flavor" with a "u" when I'm referring to British stuff.)

There was way too much sauce, and not enough "flavour".

(There, how's that?)

I'm curious about something, though. There are heating instructions on the label; it includes directions for microwave and for "hob".
Judging from the context, it would appear that a "hob" is a stovetop. I've never heard this term before. (Have you?)

Other oddities:
* It says "maize starch" instead of cornstarch.
* It has "wholewheat" as one word instead of two.
* Fiber is spelled "fibre".
* One of the ingredients is "Vitamin & Mineral Mix".
..... (I feel healthier already.)
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DON'T read this! (No, wait! Come back!)

Welcome to another post where I try interesting stuff I found in the British section of the supermarket.

Today's post will be about something called a "Yorkie Bar".

What first caught my attention as I saw this sitting on the shelf was its slogan. Printed on the side in huge letters are the following words:

"IT'S NOT FOR GIRLS!"

I blinked in surprise and grabbed it immediately.

"We'll just see about that," I muttered to myself as I plunked it in my shopping cart.

This probably is exactly what the marketing strategists had in mind.

If vegetables had slogans like "Don't you DARE eat this!", everyone would be craving spinach and asparagus. We'd all be healthy and skinny, and we'd giggle with hedonistic glee because we were buying vegetables after they told us NOT to.

Anyway, I successfully bought the Yorkie bar.
The cashier did not ask for my birth certificate, or a copy of my DNA, or anything else to verify my gender.
Flashing lights and sirens did not go off as I exited the store.

Unsure of what manly delights to expect, I opened the package and saw a bunch of hunks of chocolate. I bit into one, wondering what the filling would be.

No filling.

It's all 100% solid chocolate, through and through.

Lots and lots of chocolate.
367 calories and 21 grams of fat. (!!!)

Pretty good, though I wish it came in a high-quality dark chocolate version.
(or would that be too girly?)

After finishing it, I didn't feel any more masculine than before.
Although, come to think of it, I can now sing baritone, and change the oil in my car, and shave patterns into my chest hair... and finally I understand the difference between a touchdown and a home run.

I'm sure that's just a coincidence.
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So is Pepto Bismol called "Pink Sauce"?

Today's foray into British groceries involves something called "HP Sauce".
I learned that HP apparently stands for "Houses Of Parliament".

It comes in a tall square glass bottle, slightly reminiscent of the shape of an A1 bottle. The contents look sort of like barbecue sauce but taste nowhere near as good.

(Oops, did I say that out loud?)

I tried it as a dip for chicken tenders, and also on a burger.
It tastes like someone mixed ketchup and bland cheap steak sauce. Meh.

The label refers to it simply as "Brown Sauce".
(???!!)

Brown.
Sauce.

At least they're not lying about either of those terms.

I feel the need to point out, though, that that's not exactly a selling point, since there are a lot of things that can make a sauce brown-- and not all of them are good.
.............................

The world is full of brown-colored sauces
Like trees in the forest are covered with mosses
You might find one that deliciously pleases
Or one that reeks of despair and diseases
When over your chicken and beef it is dripped
You may sadly discover it's just nondescript.
--------- JF 5-29-10
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And look! They're already digesting!

As you may remember from my post a few days ago, I'm going to be trying some new items I bought in the "British" part of my supermarket's international section.

Today's post will be about something called "Digestive Biscuits."

Go ahead. Say it out loud.
"Digestive Biscuits."

It sounds awful, doesn't it? Sort of austere and medicinal.
I envisioned bad-tasting things that are "good for you" because they help your intestines work better, or something like that.

Yet, the picture looked relatively harmless.
In fact, it looked like a cookie with chocolate on it.

I tried some of them, and now I have superpowers where I can digest my enemies simply by breathing on them while speaking with a fake British accent.

No! Wait!

What I meant to say is, they're actually pretty good.
They taste sort of like chocolate-covered graham crackers.
I like them!

Please pardon me while I go work on my accent.
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It's hot! It's humid! Let's eat British food!

One of the larger markets in the area has a section completely devoted to International imports and brands popular in other countries.
One of the sections is comprised of British foods.

Every now and then, when I've wheeled my cart past this, I've spent a few moments curiously gazing around the items. Sometimes I almost buy some of them, just to see what they're like.

Then I realize 20 other shoppers are behind me, waiting for me to get out of their way, and I awkwardly wheel my cart into the next aisle.

(Wait... I think the British folks call it a "trolley" instead of a cart. Or a buggy. Or something like that.)

Anyway, today I finally broke down and bought some of the things.
And YOU get to hear me rant and rave about them, regardless of whether I experience pleasant surprise or acute nausea.

Throughout the summer, I'll do a series of posts. Approximately once a week, I'll try one or two of the new things I got, and I'll let you know what I think.

I will not be trying Marmite.
(ackhk.)

And so far I'm also squeamish about Spotted Dick.
But you never know.

Stay tuned.
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