Saturday, January 19, 2008

Twigs and fish food... just add milk!

A few days ago, while I was still depressed about turning 38, I went out and bought the nastiest, most disgusting box of bran cereal I could find. Usually I get Shredded Wheat and Bran, because it tastes the same as regular shredded wheat, plus I enjoy deluding myself into believing that the added bran/fiber will help cancel out all the other not-so-healthy things I eat, like Little Debbie fudge rounds and brownies.

Shhhhh. Let me dream.

Anyway, I was sad about turning 38, so I went straight for the big guns. Kellogg's All-Bran. There were two different kinds. One looked like miniature twigs and branches. If I was a bird I would have gotten an urge to build a nest right there in the store. (Since I can't lay any eggs of my own I would have needed to borrow some from aisle five.)
The other type of All-Bran they had was these little round pellets that looked exactly like the fish food I used to use back when I kept large aquarium fish.
That's the kind I decided to buy. The pellets.
So I took them home.
And tried them.
And they taste like tree bark.
Tree bark in convenient pellet form!
Please don't ask me how I know what tree bark tastes like.
I'm happy to announce that I vastly prefer Fruity Pebbles and Lucky Charms.
Maybe if I eat them along with a bowl of Shredded Wheat and Bran, they will cancel each other out.
So THAT'S what people mean by a "balanced" breakfast....


Mr. Fabulous said...

So do you feel better about being 38 now?

Mo said...

If you mix the pelleted tree bark WITH fruity pebbles, with it not only be better but taste better, too?

Personally, I say skip the cereal and go right for the PopTarts.

Julie said...

**rushes to "healthy cupboard" and notices the Bran Buds**

Yup....these things are kinda weird but if you like yogurt toss a 1/3 cup in it and you have half the fiber you need for the day! You can't beat it! I couple slices of high fiber bread and you hit your 25 grams needed for a day.

I studied up on fiber and found out all it's benefits...go for it dear!

Teri said...

I don't know how folks eat that crap.

I'm with you. I'm almost 42 and I still LOVE fruity/cocoa pebbles. I eat good cereal every so often.

I heard that if you believe it's good for you, then it really is.

Mo said...

Ever since I read this post, I have been thinking of an old Saturday Night Live sketch: Colon Blow

On YouTube:

Angry said...

But tree bark is already in a convenient form.

Um... did I leave something here last night? It was late, and I'm sure I did, but I can't see it now... so I'll leave it again;

Hi Janna, I've tagged you for a meme.
And if you think that's annoying, then you'll be glad to know that I'm almost done inventing my own meme, so I'll be back soon to tag you again.

Travis said...

Never go for the straight bran. You're much better off with Raisin Bran or some other bran flake cereal.

However, I see nothing wrong with Cheerios or Frosted Mini Wheats as a healthier alternative to sugar filled cereals?

Meloncutter said...

Fiber is our friend. I love fiber. It makes me poopie on schedule, keeps me happy and content. You will notice as you age, fiber becomes more important to you. I am 10 years older than you are and fiber is my life.

You will also find that different versions of fiber make different versions of poopies. fluffy poopies, stringy poopies, runny poopies, ripass blow the bottom out of the toilet poopies and others.

Enjoy your excursion into the world of fiber. It makes lots of gas too. My flatulent expertise grew ten fold when I discovered fiber.

I am so glad you are expanding your horizons in the world of food.

Later Y'all.

Janna said...

Mr. Fab: Slightly!

Morgen: My only qualm with PopTarts is that they never have enough filling.

Julie: Yes, Bran Buds! That's exactly what they're called! OMG, you have them too? Glad you've found a palatable way to eat them. I don't really like yogurt, though... unless it's cleverly disguised as ice cream. And even then I don't like anything crunchy on it. :(

Teri: Love the Pebbles! The pebbles are awesome!!!

Morgen: I remember that sketch! LOL!!!

Angry: Awww, it's sweet of you to tag me, but for some reason your blog always freezes up my browser, so I can't visit. :( It's sad, I know. Maybe I can get someone to copy the meme and send it to me...??

Travis: Can't stand frosted mini-wheats. I'd rather have plain shredded wheat. Cheerios are good, if they're the plain kind and NOT the honey nut kind.
Same goes for corn flakes. (Love the plain ones, can't stand the frosted ones). I despise Raisin Bran but I like Grape-Nuts. Really, I swear I eat "normal healthy" cereal a lot more than the kiddie-sweetened kind. I just like my Fruity Pebbles and Lucky Charms once in awhile, that's all.

Meloncutter: More farts? Really? I didn't think that was possible. You tempt me. However, the phrase "Stringy Poopies" now has a rather unpleasant mental image embedded im my brain.

the108 said...

Fudge rounds are the straight shiz right thar. Tru dat.

Janna said...

The108: I have a box of them here right now, in fact...

Wayne said...

You shoulda gone with the twigs and bark.
I personally like Kellogs Smart Start. Maple Brown Sugar.
5 grams of fiber, but tastes yummy!

Janna said...

Wayne: I'm not a big fan of Maple flavored things... or brown sugar either. :( It seems I will be sticking with my Shredded Wheat & Bran.

whall said...

I'm big on cereal mixing, but not with anything you've listed. I tweet about it a lot. Mixing your cereals is a great great way to get a balanced set of nutrients in your breakfast, plus it tastes awesome!

Julie said...

Hmmmm so glad I popped back in...Melon is a fiber maniac, huh? We're both the same age too. Must have something to do with the "approaching fifty" thingy.


But, but, but...STRINGY poopie? What on earth? Does Melon also know the details as to why poopie sometimes float and sometimes sink?

Just asking.....

Janna said...

Whall: Funny you should mention that. Ordinarily I am NOT into cereal mixing at ALL. I usually think it's revolting, but in this case I made an exception. I mixed some of the little Bran Bud pellets with Grape-Nuts to make them more palatable. It's the only way I'm going to be able to finish the box!

Julie: Oooh, wait, I know the answer to this... I remember reading it years ago. I think the ones that float have more gases trapped in them. Really, I'm pretty sure that's what I read. See, don't you feel educated now? Isn't this exciting?