The weather people are saying that we're going to get freezing rain Saturday night. Some areas may get up to a quarter-inch accumulation of ice, which just might be enough to snap power lines. So... depending on whether any of it hits MY part of the state, I may or may not be online Sunday.
The rest of the day we'll be getting a mix of rain, sleet, and snow.
And yet, I still love Michigan.
And winter.
1. I am a piece of dust on a tiny planet in a tiny galaxy which is not even visible from the other end of the universe.
2. Sometimes I secretly fantasize about living in Canada.
3. Today, while listening to the news, I uttered the words "Bite me, George."
4. I completely admit that I have no idea how an airplane can stay up in the air without immediately crashing into a zillion tiny pieces.
5. If I didn't live in such an annoyingly conservative part of the state, I'd love to have bright neon blue hair.
6. I miss the days when it was easy to find toilet paper in pretty pastel colors like blue, green, peach, and pink. For some reason it was never available in lavender, though. I wonder why not?
7. Current brand of deodorant: Secret Platinum, "Mystic Rain" scent
8. I do not understand why we still feel the need to observe daylight-savings time.
9. Sometimes I think it would be fun to buy a hearse, and park in a public lot, and take a nap in the back. When I woke up, if someone was peeking through the windows staring at me, I could jump out at them and shout "RRAAWWWRRGHHH!!!" and completely scare the crap out of them.
10. I have never played the tuba.
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1. Getting run over by a train
2. Receiving an invitation to Canada
3. Being mistaken for Dick Cheney
4. Falling into a puddle of grapefruit juice
5. Discovering that I am actually the long-lost daughter of David Letterman
6. Traveling to Taiwan and learning why I shouldn't drink the water
7. Getting hate mail from third-graders in Iowa
8. Getting fan mail from the British Royal Family (though I'm sure Her Majesty is a secret fan of the Jannaverse)
9. Finding magic beans in the litter box
10. Winning the lottery in four states at once
11. Being awarded first place in a foot odor contest (hey, there's no shame in coming in second.)
12. Getting distracted by a parade of naked men
13. Discovering 101 fun uses for dryer lint
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Earlier this evening I co-hosted The Mo Show with Morgen.
We tacked the controversial subject of page rank, and how Google has slapped a lot of us right across the face for doing paid ads. (I don't do paid ads here on the Jannaverse, but I do sometimes put them on Jantics and Jantrails).
For those of you who missed my rant, I've posted it HERE, and I've included some additional thoughts that I felt needed to be said after the show was over. Some things left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and I can't keep silent about that.
For those of you who haven't seen my bitchy side, this is a great introduction.
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Last night I hugged a Saint Bernard for the first time ever in my entire life.
Somehow it wasn't the special experience I was hoping for, but at least it didn't involve getting drooled on.
Dog drool is never a good thing.
After band, at ABC group, Jason made coney dogs for us, and the homemade coney sauce was really good. I swear, there's nothing this man cannot cook.
Our band concert is going to be on December 7th. I wish we had more time to rehearse. There are some spots in the music which still make me cringe, much like a guy about to get a prostate exam behind a dumpster at three in the morning.
Not that I would know anything about that.
Go to Jantics (please) and let me know if you would eat this.
And, while you're at it, you might as well tell me I'm being an idiot about this.
Oh, and if you want the deep dark secret of how Thanksgiving was celebrated on Sesame Street, click here.
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As you know, a few days ago I posted a list of 50 ways to annoy me.
Today, in the interests of fairness, I'll post 30 ways to please me.
Oh, there are plenty more than 30, mind you, but some are perhaps better left to the imagination. Especially the ones that involve leather, hot chili pepper oil, and hair scrunchies.
1. Speak with a British accent.1. Tailgate me.
2. Drive slow in front of me.
3. Inflict your children on me, and excuse their bad behavior by saying that they're "just being kids."
4. Nag me.
5. Lie to me.
6. Reject me.
5. Interrupt me.
8. Give me pizza with onions on it and tell me "Oh, you can just pick them off."
9. Incorrectly play music I have written
10. Play an instrument out of tune.
11. Sing off-key.
12. Misspell plural nouns by using an apostrophe.
13. Misspell possessive pronouns by using an apostrophe.
14. Mispronounce the word "nuclear."
15. Mispronounce (or misspell) the word "asterisk."
16. If you're Google, drop my page rank on the blogs where I do paid ads.
17. Send me spam messages.
18. In 90-degree summer weather, say "Oh, isn't it a beautiful day out there today?"
19. In 60-degree weather, complain that you are "freezing".
20. If it's raining, and I express reluctance to walk outside, say, "Oh, you won't melt!"
21. Express heartfelt admiration for George Bush.
22. Smoke when I am trying to eat.
23. Block my usual driving routes with road construction.
24. Be sexist.
25. Be a closed-minded skeptic.
26. Poop on my carpet.
27. Raise the price of gasoline.
28. Write me a traffic ticket.
29. Screw up my order at the drive-thru window.
30. Complain that "medium" salsa is too hot for you.
31. Tell me to "speak up."
32. Ask me to repeat myself.
33. Drool on me.
34. Honk at me.
35. Misquote me.
36. Betray me.
37. Drink my blood.
38. Say "Axed" instead of "Asked."
39. Pee on me.
40. Snore.
41. Inflict your dog on me, and laugh when I appear uncomfortable.
42. Be a tech support person who does not speak English well enough to do a good job in customer service.
43. Make me wait for something I should not have to wait for.
44. Charge me the wrong price at the cash register.
45. Imply that I am overreacting.
46. Leave pre-recorded political messages on my answering machine.
47. Take the parking space I wanted.
48. Abuse women.
49. Re-gift something I gave you.
50. Get disgusted when I try to flirt with you.
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This is by no means the entire list, just the first fifty in no particular order.
Have a nice day.
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I am floating sideways in a sea of strained peas, next to four tiny penguins who know the reason "debt" is spelled with a "B".
There are thoughts from the ceiling which never approach the topic of hydroelectricity.
I keep trying to tell the penguins that they smell like oatmeal.
Roses are red... sometimes.
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On Tuesday I took Steve to band and ABC group with me. He got along with everyone wonderfully, just as I expected. Before we went there, we stopped at Walgreens so he could get some Zinc. I waited in the car. When he came back out, he had a present for me. It was a tube of chicken poop!
Not only that, but it was free range chicken poop.
I am so glad I have friends that love me.
Here's what the label says:
I'm so excited! I got accepted as a contributing author to this humor blog called "Burt Reynolds' Mustache". (Affectionately referred to as "The Stache.")
My first post will appear tomorrow, Friday November 23rd. I will continue to post there on the 23rd of each month. I'll try to remember to include links to the posts I do there, so you can all click over and read my stuff (if you want to, that is. :)
My first post will be all about Thanksgiving leftovers. Specifically, ones that have been left in there so long that they've developed their own civilization.
With that in mind, I bring you this list of thirteen OTHER things that would be bad to find in your refrigerator:
1. Dead rat
2. Radioactive Cesium 137
3. Dirty underwear
4. Zombies
5. A black hole
6. Your own kidneys
7. An angry skunk
8. A flatulent leprechaun
9. The angel of death
10. Pubic hair
11. 30-foot anaconda
12. Fleas
13. Larry King
Bonus: A pubic hair from the dirty underwear of a flatulent leprechaun who just ate Larry King's kidneys.
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantics: 13 things I promise NOT to say on the air when I co-host The Mo Show next week!
Jantrails: 13 things I have never done (Though I really wish I could do #7).
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1) Dammit, now there are artichokes in my underwear. Not again...
2) This balsamic vinegar would be great to pour on the paper cuts of my enemies!
3) I can predict the future by reading the ice cubes in my water glass.
4) The ice cubes just said I'm going to die old and alone in a dark musty room, and my cats will gnaw on my carcass for exactly thirteen days before someone finally finds me.
5) Ooops, my mistake. I was holding the glass backwards. The ice cubes actually said my feet would stink more if I lived in Florida.
6) Let's build a miniature fort out of our used silverware!
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P.S. In case you're interested, here is what I had for dinner:
Appetizers: stuffed mushrooms and calamari. We also had bread, dipped in little bowls of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and parmesan cheese.
Salad: Caesar salad
Entree: Spinach fettucine alfredo with roasted red peppers, artichokes, and shrimp
Dessert: Pumpkin cheesecake drizzled with caramel.
Everything was absolutely DELICIOUS.
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Hello, everyone!
I'm here at The Wren's Nest in Dowagiac.
Steve rode up here with me, so he could meet Morgen. The two of them are talking right now, getting acquainted. I'm so excited! After Morgen closes the store at 5:00, the three of us are going out to dinner together.
So far it's been wonderful.
I relish the time Steve and I spend together, since I only get to see him once every couple years. It's a real treat to have him here. And of course I'm always glad to see Morgen too!
Fun times!
A couple days ago I blogged about how bad my eyesight has gotten.
Saturday night my attention was drawn once again to that unavoidable fact.
I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but what the heck. There's humor in it, I hope.
Y'see, it's hunting season here right now. There are plenty of deer roaming around and crossing the roads. Sometimes they just sort of hover at the side of the road, seemingly waiting to run in front of the next available vehicle.
I was driving to Coldwater last night. It was really dark out. I turned the corner from one road onto another....
Suddenly, I saw movement at the side of the road.
"Oh, my GOD," I thought to myself in shock. "That is the HUGEST deer I have ever SEEN!!"
I slowed way down...
I looked closer...
And then I realized that it wasn't a deer at all.
There was a farm yard there, and these were horses.
Oops.
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I'm excited.
Here's why.
Actually, there are a couple reasons, so have a seat and drink some tea while you're waiting. Or water. Or something with bubbles in it. Heck, I don't care.
There are three things to tell you about:
1) I got a package in the mail on Thursday. It was from Wayne, and it contained CHOCOLATE! He sent some yummy gourmet peanut butter cups, as well as my most favorite chocolate confection in the whole world! Chocolate covered candied orange peel! I blogged about loving it a few months ago over at Jantics, and now I have some of my very own. It's hard to find! It'll be even harder to find once I eat it all. Thank you, Wayne!!
2) Friday, I got a package in the mail from Fab! It's stuff he bought for me while he was in Vegas last week! He went to Quark's Bar (The Star Trek Experience), and I happened to mention that I am a complete Trek nerd. So he got me a GIANT mug with Quark's logo on the side, plus he got me a tribble! When you squeeze the tribble, it makes cute little chirpy purring sounds, and it shakes. Adorable. Thank you, Fab! :)
3) One of my best friends is coming to visit me next week! I went to high school with him many years ago. I graduated in '88, he graduated in '86. And now he will kill me because I have divulged his age to everyone. It's Steve! He lived in California (LA) for quite a few years but recently moved to New York (NYC). He'll be visiting his friends and family in Michigan this week. I've talked him into going to band with me on Tuesday, so he can hear us rehearse. I'll introduce him to my ABC group friends afterward. And Monday I'll be driving him over to Dowagiac so he can meet Morgen! I only get to see Steve every couple years or so. This will be great!
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
A text for no reason
I'm sending to you
Violets are blue
My psyche is marred
Michigan's cold
And my nipples are hard
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I got one of those microfiber cloths to clean my glasses. I love it. It works so much better than a tissue or a cotton cloth. I keep it right here next to the computer, so I can clean my glasses whenever the need arises.
I've noticed something, though..
The moment I take off my glasses, I can no longer read what's on the computer screen. My eyes have gotten that bad.
When the heck did this happen?
I still can't believe it.
Glasses on, I can see fine.
Glasses off, I can't read the words on the screen. I have to lean forward and actually squint.
Soon I will need a cane and a seeing-eye dog just to find my way to the keyboard.
That would be a shame, because I'm really not a dog person.
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1. So, how many people have you really shot?
2. I bet I could kick your ass in Scrabble.
3. Let's sing a duet! I'll be Sonny, you be Cher!
4. Bite me.
5. So, wait a minute, you're telling me it's WRONG to have dead bodies in the trunk?
6. I don't really do drugs. I just sell them. Unless that's wrong too. In that case, just forget I said anything.
7. Like my air freshener? It's donut scented!
8. Pull my finger.
9. Yes, I'm afraid of you, yet somehow I find that strangely arousing.
10. Can I try on the uniform? Take it off. Right now.
11. So if I had a gun under my seat right now, that would be a BAD thing, right?
12. I morally object to the concept of stop signs.
13. How many boobs do I need to show you before you'll forget I was driving 50 in a 25 zone?
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantics: 13 things you should NOT leave in the car overnight
Jantrails: 13 things that sound good right now, as long as someone else does the cooking
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Last night we had a decent band rehearsal, much better than the previous week. Afterward, our ABC group met at Jason's house. That's where we go these days. We used to meet at Cavoni's in Hillsdale, until they got a new waitress who was habitually rude to us. Then we switched to The Hunt Club in Hillsdale, but their prices were too high and the food wasn't always worth it. Since Jason LOVES to cook and does an excellent job at it, he offered to host ABC group for us if we just chipped in a few bucks to help offset the cost of things. We've tried this arrangement for a couple months now, and it's worked out really well. His cooking is much better than The Hunt Club. Plus we can be our old rowdy raunchy uncensored selves without having to worry about who might be casting glances of disapproval at us in public.
Last night Jason made some of the most delicious oven-roasted chicken I have ever had in my entire life. It was juicy and tender and extremely flavorful, loaded with garlic and herbs. Truly amazing. If I was a chicken, I would have been honored to sacrifice my life so someone could make me that delicious.
There were also side dishes like rice and cornbread and a Mexican casserole. Yum. I wanted to shove a few fistfuls in my pocket to eat on the way home, but worried that my pocket lint might somehow detract from the flavor.
Morgian knows I love hot spicy things so she brought me a present: A bag of "Flamin' Hot" potato chips. Wasn't that sweet? Thank you, Morgian!! I will blog about their consumption in a couple days!
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Many years ago, Paul Simon did a song called "Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover."
These past few days I been compiling my own list, which I have titled "Fifty ways to completely annoy the crap out of me."
Right now I'm up to 45.
When the list is done, I will post it here for you all to read.
Stay tuned.
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(Sneak peek: #26 involves pooping on my carpet.)
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Fab orders two large mixed drinks with ten shots of liquor in each. If each glass holds 18 ounces of fluid plus four ounces of ice, how many Broadway show tunes will he be singing in the hotel lounge at 2:00 in the morning?
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Today I am craving Butterfinger bars, Heath bars, and peanut butter cups.
I have not had ANY, though, and the deprivation is slowly killing me.
Gas prices are going up again, and once more I dream of creating a car that will run on the drool I produce when I think of Johnny Depp.
I sent out text messages to five people yesterday, and only one person replied.
I'd like to extend a special thank you to that person. You know who you are.
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1) Extension cord with teeth marks on it
2) Calendar from 1975
3) Full bladder
4) Homicidal tendencies
5) Dead fly
6) Plastic fork with one of the tines broken off
7) Map of Melbourne, Australia
8) Postcard from London
9) Picture of Oprah which has just been peed on by Kermit the Frog
10) Beach towel
11) Prescription for Xanax
12) Ancient cave painting of the 1st McDonalds drive-thru
13) 75-watt light bulb, dipped in salsa
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Today is "Blog Blast For Peace Day". Bloggers everywhere (well, almost everywhere) are displaying these peace globe banners they've decorated. Here's mine.
And, in case you need some ideas, here are a few things we can do while we're all being peaceful:
1) Eat chocolate.
2) Walk into a Chinese restaurant and pretend that you only speak French; insist on getting croissants with your chow mein. After reading your fortune cookie (with the help of a French-English dictionary),kiss the waiter on both sides of his face and exclaim "Merci, monsieur! Tres bon!"
3) Go into a bookstore, find the magazine rack, and sort through the ones that have perfume sample pages. Sniff each one thoughtfully and comment to the employees "Ohh, now this one makes me feel REALLY peaceful."
4) Did I mention eating chocolate?
5) Make a bunch of stickers that say "Peaceful Electric Pony Whiskers" and attach them to random items in the grocery store.
6) Roast a bunch of hot dogs for you and your friends (See previous picture I posted an hour ago)
7) Write an anonymous letter to one of the veterinarians in your neighborhood, insisting that you can speak "raccoon." Mention that you have an extremely urgent message from the raccoon king which is a last-ditch effort for peace between our species.
8) Take a permanent marker and write your favorite recipe on the side of your house.
9) Make up dance steps to your favorite TV commercials.
10) Or, just eat chocolate.
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That squeal of glee you heard coming from my bedroom last night was not, unfortunately, due to any moments of carnal bliss, but instead due to the fact that it was snowing out there! I could hear snow and sleet hitting the window!
None of the snow actually stuck on the ground, though. This is kind of sad. I'd had happy visions of waking up to a winter wonderland of white.
But nope.
It's all just melted into cold wet soppiness.
On the bright side, though, it's chilly and windy, and the sky is a gray monotone.
This is why winter is my favorite season.
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My new cell phone arrived in the mail today!
It was a free upgrade, since my old cell phone was obsolete. I discovered this last week when I called tech support, wondering why certain things weren't working.
I wasn't able to keep my old phone number (not a big deal), but I was able to get all my minutes to transfer over. Thank goodness. I had 877 minutes left over (prepaid) on the other phone, and I would've been sick if I'd lost them.
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Things the aliens will say when they finally visit Earth:
1. Somehow I thought the Eiffel Tower would be bigger.
2. Dammit, the drive-thru people got our order wrong!
3. Diet soda tastes just like the toxic waste that drove us away from our home planet!
4. Y'know last year when we kidnapped those Martians, stole their brains, and shrunk them down to miniature size? Brussels sprouts look just like that!!
5. Why is bratwurst shaped like a penis?
6. So, wait a minute, you're telling me they elected that guy to be President?
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantics: My migraine-filled Sunday
Jantrails: Special Things About Earth
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The nice thing about this is that if you were a GUY, you could just whip it out and point it off the edge of the wall.
Me? Well, I'd probably just have to pee my pants.
The Chinese would never invite me back.
Well, if you read yesterday's post, you know all about my secret admirer.
Here are some additional messages I've gotten from him, along with what I believe are the actual meanings he intended:
Actual title of message:
Be a highly trained technology professional
Translation:
You have so much potential. What the hell are y'doin' sitting there at the computer 24 hours a day when you could be out cavorting around in sexy business suits? Come on. I didn't buy these binoculars for nothing, y'know.
Actual title of message:
Blast away debt in 2007
Translation:
I'll gladly loan you my gun and ammo as long as you wipe off your fingerprints afterward.
Actual title of messages:
Hot sex with Viagra pills
Don't wait! Make your dick bigger!
Let your penis rule the world
Translation:
Oops. I didn't realize you're female. Good thing I'm bi-curious.
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Things I Did On Halloween:
1) Had a bowl of chili and a chicken sandwich for lunch
2) Tried in vain to renew the contract on my cell phone (there will be an upcoming post about that)
3) Said the following sentence: "Is riboflavin really all THAT important?"
4) Fed and watered the cats
5) Noticed that the trick-or-treaters were ALREADY out at 5:26pm. I thought that seemed rather early. Still, in the spirit of the holidays, I did my best not to hit any of them while driving. I'm nice that way.
6) Listened to Morgen's radio show
7) Said something in the chat room about painting one boob red and one boob green for the holidays
8) Listened to my cat barfing on the carpet
9) Had dry-roasted peanuts and candy corn for dinner (I know, I know), because I didn't feel like making anything
10) Wished I had a friend or two who would invite me over to watch scary movies
11) Wondered why my right hand was twitching for no apparent reason
12) Got a LOT of spam e-mails and pretended they were all secret code from a secret admirer.
13) Discovered that my secret admirer wants me to increase my penis size.
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