Lianne gestured wildly to her friend Sam as she described the ordeal.
"So then I tried finding saffron and fennel, but all I had was oregano. And my blender broke. And the bleu cheese was three shades of green."
"So you gave up?"
"Yes," Lianne sighed. "That's why my breath smells like Chicken McNuggets now."
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Things I posted back in May 2007:
1. I told you the one word that will almost always make me laugh.
2. Important Theoretical Astrophysics Moment....
3. The reaction to this post has always stumped me. I remember I had no clue what to blog about that day, so I just quickly threw together some nonsense about a fan club. It took less than a minute to write. I got A TON of comments. In contrast, other posts I spent a lot of time creating have gotten no comments at all. Life makes no sense.
4. Important thought which is just as true now as it was four years ago. I can almost taste it.... which is unfortunate, because it's about the bathroom.
5. A blue picture of me
6. Hurry up and have a picnic before someone invents this.
7. The reason I hated "Tropical Pepsi".
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Go to this site and find out how much longer you have left to live.
(If I claim to be "sadistic", it tells me I should already be dead.
Otherwise I have a few years left.
Enjoy me while you can.)
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1. Today I found a piece of paper where I'd written the word "snarvel" a long time ago. I have no idea what this means. It isn't a word, so what was I thinking? A name for a pet? A Jannapedia addition? An alien I tried flirting with after having too many Doritos? What?
2. I'm in a music-writing mood again. This time it's a quintet for cello, contrabass, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, and piano. Usually I write for much larger groups (wind symphony or orchestra), so you'd think this would be comparatively easier. Yet it's crawling at a snail's pace, perhaps because of the more personal emotion it contains.
3. For dinner I had pizza with pepperoni and habanero peppers. The hotter the better. Yum. Here, let me breathe some tasty fire onto your clothing. Or your relatives. Whichever you prefer.
4. Why do cashews taste so much better than peanuts when they look so similar? They're a little bigger and a little curlier, and yet they taste 83% better. It makes no sense.
5. I bought kitty litter today. I tried teaching my cats to poop solid gold, but they must have misunderstood. Clearly further training is needed.
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Things that might make the world a little better:
1. Cats that pooped solid gold
2. Double pepperoni pizza with zero calories
3. Dogs that realize it is socially awkward to drool on your loved ones
4. The absence of brussels sprouts
5. Gas that costs fifty cents a gallon
6. Making Pluto a planet again
7. Finding the socks I lost
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The hot weather brought lots of rain and storms, and now a cooler front has moved in.
The storm winds have left a mid-sized tree limb in my yard.
It's about 8 feet long, about the diameter of a small shrub, and it's too heavy for me to move. I tried. I'm sure a big strong guy could lift (or drag) it with no problem, but alas; I am a weakling.
Things I could do with this limb:
1. Chop it up into beverage coasters and attempt to sell them to you for $4.95 plus shipping.
2. Climb under it and wait to see how many people try to rescue me
3. Pick off the leaves and make a salad (thankfully the rain washed off all the bird poop).
4. Send a huge chunk of it to Mike Mills and beg him to autograph it
5. Send myself along with it and beg Mike Mills to autograph me instead
(And then we can eat salad off our new coasters...)
(Hopefully he'll see I'm all bark and no bite.... Ha! Get it? Tree? Bark?)
(No, wait... I've got another one... the salad would have "branch" dressing....)
6. Bonk myself over the head with it and get a few extra hours of sleep
7. Forget about it and wait for the elements to slowly dissolve it over the next hundred years
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I like Doritos, usually. Once in awhile I try weird flavors that disappoint me, (like here and here), but in general I'm grateful for the Dorito-esque presence on our lovely planet.
With that in mind, may I please direct your attention to the following site:
102 Doritos Flavors from around the world
(Butter and soy sauce? Crispy salmon? Roe and mayonnaise? Roasted Turkey? Seaweed Doritos? Really?)
And, while we're at it, you might also want to look at this one too:
101 Pringles Flavors from around the world:
(Imagine Pringles like "Blueberry Hazelnut", "Prawn Cocktail". "Lemon", "Soft-shelled Crab", and, of course, "Seaweed".)
If none of that interests you, you can at least go read about this weird dream I had during a migraine back in 2007. It contains the word "doritos", so that sort of vaguely goes with today's post, right?
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Because it's going to be super hot today and I have no air conditioning at home, I plan to sleep elsewhere tonight (and probably tomorrow too).
Don't worry; it's nowhere exciting.
I still have posts scheduled for the week, and you might not even notice I'm gone.
If you miss me so badly you just can't stand it, feel free to write yourself a prescription using this cute little site here.
See? I used it and made myself a prescription that may come in very handy...
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Things that could probably be used as musical instruments if you tried hard enough:
* Box of cheese crackers
* The liver of a spotted owl (assuming owls have livers)
* An accordion (then again, probably not)
* Can of refried beans (Takes a few hours, but works every time!)
* Wind whistling through the empty hallways of my dignity
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I know you all tend to hate these kinds of posts, but today I simply must go ahead with it anyway.
Whall wants to know what "CKTHBG" could mean.
Far be it from me to disappoint him.
Things the letters "CKTHBG" could stand for:
1. Catch Kittens Thrown Hard By Grandma
2. Calvin Klein's Thong Has Big Globs
3. Cindy Kicked Toward Her Boyfriend's Gallbladder
4. Can Kumquats Truly Hide Behind Grapes?
5. Crazy Karen Totally Heard Beards Growing
6. Chaos: Kindergarteners Try Helping Bathe Gator
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1. If you leave your favorite dress jacket on the sofa, your cat will throw up on it. Twice.
2. REM's old CD "Automatic For The People" is downright awesome.
3. If you forget to wear the right pair of shoes, (the ones that actually go with what you're wearing), absolutely no one notices and no one cares.
4. My imaginary friend has taken an unpaid leave of absence, and I have no one to talk to while he is in Bermuda for three weeks. (At least I think it's a "he". I never asked, come to think of it. Maybe that's why he's upset.)
5. Lean Cuisine "Garlic Chicken Spring Rolls" are downright awesome, almost as awesome as REM's "Automatic For The People." They are significantly more awesome than REM's current album ("Collapse Into Now"). For my rant on why I dislike the current album, click here and feel free to comment, because Jantrails is a very lonely place.
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Once upon a time there was a chicken named Farley who didn't want me to write a story about him.
But I did it anyway, so now he's suing me for being a jerk.
If I'd known it was illegal to be a jerk, I would have sued every guy who tailgated me last Sunday night.
1. Calculate the cost of filling your gas tank before driving into town "just to pick up a few things".
2. Add the number of degrees that blast your eyebrows into ashes when you open the car door in the summer heat.
3. Subtract the number of minutes you have to wait for the air conditioning to start working.
4. Divide by the number of number of road kills you see baking in the 90 degree heat as you drive along.
5. Multiply by the number of parking spots that are unavailable because everyone else in the world got there first.
6. Subtract the number of poorly-disciplined children who have never been taught how to behave properly in a grocery store.
7. Add the square root of the prison term I would get if I just stuffed them in the meat department somewhere when their mother wasn't looking.
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1. Last weekend I noticed that BK has brought back the "Angry Whopper". Or, as I dubbed it a few years ago, the "Barely Pretending To Care" Whopper. Don't waste your money.
2. If I had to choose between bacon and saving the world from a meteorite, the world would be doomed because it would take me too long to decide. I apologize in advance. These things happen.
3. My head is stuffed so full of REM songs right now that I went out and bought a bottle of Orange Crush so I could look cute as I sang along with them.
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1. A string of pearls made by oysters who know all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire"
2. A pond of algae where all the algae has been lovingly replaced by floating emeralds
3. Convincing me to try tofu
4. An autographed set of towels woven from the dryer lint and back hair of your favorite rock star
5. The cost of curing all the diseases you would get from licking the floor of a high school locker room
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It's been awhile since I've added words to the Jannapedia, so here are a few to tide you over until I actually think of something useful to say.
MATERC: Arrives before a maitre'd.
APTIO: A patio that was put together all wrong.
BRINESSE: The ability to have finesse while you are soaking in brine. (Just be glad it's not called "Urinesse".)
AINES: The anus of someone who can not spell very well.
ANCEL: What the word "CLEAN" looks like after it's had too many beers.
KANDE: What the word "NAKED" looks like after it's been hanging around with ANCEL for too long.
ALITAB: Ask your doctor if Alitab is right for you. Side effects include yodeling, pink underwear, and cravings for raw starfish cut up into tiny cubes.
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P.S. Pickles have lots of brinesse when brought by a materc.
1. I think today I had a love affair with a one-ounce bag of Chili Cheese Fritos. They were so good. I'm a little hurt that they aren't returning my calls and texts, but c'est la vie.
2. Since it's summer, there are a few a ton of ants in my kitchen. The thing is, every time I smash one I feel a little guilty because it reminds me of Woody Allen.
3. For the past week or so, I haven't quite been myself. It's an odd mix of frustration, depression, agitation, despondency, and (insert some other word here. No, go ahead. I don't mind.) Also I have had absolutely no appetite whatsoever for the past week. Ever since finishing that vegetarian week, I haven't cared about eating anything. Not even meat. Nothing sounds good and I don't even care. I have to force myself to eat. Strange. That little bag of Fritos today was the first thing I've really enjoyed in a long time.
4. On the bright side, it helps to listen to my REM cd's. I absolutely love Mike Mills. I like him so much I might even share Chili Cheese Fritos with him if he asked nicely.
5. On second thought, I'm sure he's rich enough to buy his own bag.
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