The Jannapedia returns

It's been awhile since I've done an installment of the Jannapedia, so here you go.


DUCTHO: Someone who really, REALLY likes duct tape.

RAINEIN: Itt wuz rainein last night andd I got so wet I kuldn't spell right anny more.

DINFEST: A festival devoted entirely to dinner.... or maybe dinosaurs. Or Dinah Shore.

TRUPAT: Not to be confused with all those lousy false Pats out there.

DINGON: A Klingon's doorbell.

PANTIFY: To put on fresh panties. (Example: "After that dream about Mike Mills, I had to re-pantify.")

REXCRR: Trying to say "extra" with a mouth full of peanut butter.

PATED: When you're so constipated you can't even get out the first half of the word.

Disney should hire me

Once upon a time there was a talking penguin named Sylvester who realized he had never kissed a frog.

So he journeyed down to the nearest swamp and found a nice frog named Cindy, who he promptly kissed.

Immediately Sylvester changed into a handsome prince.

"Drat," croaked Cindy. "None of them ever change into frogs."
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I wouldn't tell you even if you BEGGED me

My regular Jannaverse readers know that every once in awhile I go vegetarian for a week, just for the "fun" of it.
Once I even went vegan for a week, which feels like putting your brain in a blender and drinking it through a straw. (Which, ironically, would not qualify as vegan.)

But "regular" vegetarianism isn't so bad once in a while.
I try new stuff, I blog about the hilarity of the experience, I post what I ate, and everyone loves me and leaves numerous comments.

Ooops. Rewind that, and erase the part about the love and comments.
Actually no one ever cares.
The vast majority of you yawn and turn back to your delicious bacon double cheeseburgers.

This week I've been going vegetarian again (ever since Sunday the 23rd), but I haven't been blogging about it.

And I'm not going to.

You couldn't force me to.

I wouldn't tell you what I had for breakfast even if you begged me and pleaded while holding a pound of chocolate and a dozen kittens.

Go on. Try.

There's a slight possibility I might tell Mike Mills if he asked nicely, but even then I'd probably try distracting him with other things first.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Nostalgia creeps in like a parasite

I've been blogging for about five years now.
My 5-year blogiversary was on August 13th.

The blogosphere is an interesting place, and I know I've come nowhere near seeing the whole thing. I've only dipped my toe in the water, so to speak.
I've seen extremely popular successful bloggers come and go, I've seen scandals unfold, I've read hilarious things and ordinary things and things that made me break down and cry.

I don't get many comments here, and I fully realize that's probably because I'm not very good at visiting other blogs and leaving comments myself.
I'm sorry about that. Please forgive me for not being a better neighbor.
Also, I want to thank each one of you who has ever commented. I read every one and they're precious to me.
Well, except for the spam.

I'd like to keep on blogging for as long as I possibly can. I know sometimes long-time bloggers kind of "burn out" and give up. That always makes me sad. Once in awhile I'm tempted to do the same, like if I spend a lot of time working on a post and no one comments, or if I post about being upset about something and no one seems to notice or care. Feels like I'm all alone over here sometimes.

But in the end I always decide I need the blogosphere a lot more than it needs me.

When I first started my blog back in August 2006, its title was "One More Raindrop In A Bloggy Ocean". I recognized that in the grand scheme of things, one more blog was insignificant, yet might still be able to somehow contribute "something".
Whether or not I've actually succeeded in contributing something these past five years remains to be seen, I guess.

I'd like to stick around for awhile longer, if that's ok.
Don't give up on me quite yet.
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Things I've Learned

1. You might as well be crazy, because no one really cares anyway.

2. Cats will pretend to be really great listeners if they think you plan to feed them as soon as you're done talking.

3. Pizza and tacos are constantly fighting one another for the title of "Most Wonderful Food On The Planet".

4. Every time I do laundry, my socks draw straws to see which one must be the next to disappear. I envision some sort of "end of life" ritual where the other socks all gather around and say goodbye. They try to convince their fellow sock that the future involves something better, and give it advice like "Go toward the lint filter..."
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I'll just keep the lips I already have, thanks

Three uses for a cheese cracker:

1) Trying to catch a mouse who has the munchies

2) Staving off starvation while you wait for the idiot in front of you to realize the light has turned green

3) Crumbling into one tablespoon of chicken soup to lose two more pounds before going on that date with Johnny Depp

...............................................................................................................


I bet you didn't know that they made lip balm flavored like Cheez-It crackers.

They have it in Cheetos flavor too.

Yes.

Really.
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Drip. DripDripDrip. Drop. Dripdrop. Drip.

It's rained all day long.
It rained all yesterday evening too.

It would be a shame if my home suddenly started floating away like a giant ark.
Mostly this would be bad because I haven't collected two of every animal on the planet.
Just two cats.
And they're both spayed/neutered.
My apologies to the future of the animal population as we know it.

I haven't gotten much sleep lately, and my brain is not exactly as sharp as it might otherwise be.
For example, I have no idea about the airspeed/velocity of an unladen swallow, regardless of whether it is African or European.

Feel free to leave comments about your favorite Monty Python stuff.

I'm going to continue with my plans of going slowly insane while the raindrops keep falling and falling and falling and falling. And falling.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Math Problem For Today

Calculate the number of times I have daydreamed about Mike Mills in the past 24 hours.

Multiply by the number of readers I would have bored to death if I had actually blogged about that.

Add the number of readers who would actually have been interested.

Subtract the square root of the number of hairballs the cats have barfed up on my carpet since 2008.

Divide by the number of Nutter Butter cookies it takes to absorb an entire pint of milk.
(For extra credit, send me that amount of cookies.)
(For an automatic A-plus, just send me Mike Mills.)
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Now if I could only remember what I wanted to write in it...

In general, I'm of the opinion that an address book is not a great gift. If someone uses one, they usually already have one. And if they have one, they don't need one.
Yet, today I found myself in the unusual position of needing a new address book.

I honestly thought this would be easy to find.
It was not.

The first store I went to had none at all.
The second store had only two kinds, hidden on the bottom shelf, scattered amongst other stuff nobody wanted. Both were tacky and cheap and ugly (which I realize is better than tacky and expensive and ugly).

I bought the least annoying of the two.
It's sort of a vomit-bile green, with pale green mushrooms, plants, and bugs printed on it. Possibly the ugliest address book I have ever owned, so ugly that it sort of goes all the way around the other side and becomes interesting. I'm starting to like it, if only because it took such a diligent search to find it.

Anyway, why are address books so hard to find now? Has the digital age affected us so much that we don't care much for snail mail addresses anymore? Are we so reliant on techno-devices which record numbers for us that we don't bother to physically write phone numbers down anymore?

Do I sound like an old lady just for asking that?
Speak up, sonny, I can't hear you.
And stay off my lawn.
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And now Drew sleeps in the locker room

"I don't know why you can't appreciate any of my favorite sports," Drew complained to his wife. "Sure, sometimes the guy fumbles, swings and misses, or strikes out, but at least he always tries to have a good time."

"Funny you should mention that," she mused. "I was just thinking the same things about sex."
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Various Thoughts

1. If someone, any one at all, anybody on the planet could help with this, I would reeeaalllly be grateful.

2. It's almost 2:00 in the morning right now and I stayed up way too late. Well, I just realized I have to get up two hours earlier than usual in the morning because I have to drive my mother into work. Gah. I will be a zombie tomorrow. Please don't hate me if I sneak up on you and eat your brain.

3.
To the car with the Florida license plate who insisted on driving 40mph in a 55 zone Wednesday morning:
It.
Will take.
You.
A.
Very.
Very long.
Time.
To.
Drive back to.
Florida.
If.
You.
Keep.
Going that.
SLOW.
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Hey, even fish need exercise....

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Tell me I'm not the only one...

Firefox and Blogger are apparently like chocolate and ketchup. I love both, but they don't go well together.

Usually I use Firefox.
One thing about that is it automatically updates itself.
Recently it upgraded to the newest version, which is 7.0.1.

Ever since it did that, I can't get to Blogger's "Create New Post" screen.
It just gives me a page full of code.

(see screencap.)

I know it's a Firefox issue, because I CAN get to the "Create New Post" screen if I use Explorer instead.
(Here I am!)

Is anyone else having the same issues with the newest version of Firefox?
Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I also hope it gets fixed soon, because I would hate to have to use Explorer every time I wanted to do a blog post.
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Things that go 'crunch' in the night...

Having a rotten day?
Ready to just give up and eat four pounds of Cheetos and crawl under the covers?

Go ahead. I won't judge.

Just remember to be grateful that things aren't worse... for example, you could be THIS guy... or, ohmygosh, even THIS guy.

Now that you're busy gasping in horror, can I have some of your Cheetos?
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Just imagine what Disney could do with this

Once upon a time, it was very late on a Sunday night.

Janna yawned. "I'm tired. It's bedtime."

"No," said her evil invisible friend George. "You haven't done a blog post yet."

"Can't I just wait until tomorrow? Nobody's going to comment anyway." She took one last sip of her bottle of water. "Besides, I have no idea what to say."

George sighed. "That never stopped you before."


And that's how George ended up trapped in a garbage bag out by the curb.
Janna lived happily ever after, because she finally got to get some sleep.
The End.

You can always blame your forgetfulness on number four

Things most of my readers have probably forgotten from 2007:

1. The one word that will always make me laugh

2. The reason that Arnold Horshack was my favorite character from "Welcome Back Kotter"

3. Five reasons to embrace insanity

4. The reason your eyeballs are slowly being pulled out of your skull right now
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It probably smells the same either way

I just got back from the grocery store.

While going down the deli aisle, halfheartedly glancing toward gourmet cheeses I could never afford, I saw something that made me look twice.

The label said "Extra Mature" cheddar.

But at first glance I swear it said "Extra Manure".

(Feel free to insert your own joke involving the phrase "Who cut the cheese?")
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When Iowa rebels against Nebraska...

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Do other languages even have a word for "squeaky"?

How many of you speak a second language?

Today's your day to show off.

In the comments, please feel free to translate these phrases into any language you like.

(I realize there are translator sites where you could cheat and do this without knowing the language at all. Sigh. Go ahead, if you must.)

1. "Actually, Sarah's hairy mole turned out to be a hibernating ferret."

2. "Why do you want to smell like a middle-aged basketball player?"

3. "I forgot to tell the truck driver my name isn't 'Squeaky'."

4. "That day, Tim finally saw a cloud shaped like his liver."
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I'm home!

I'm back, after my stint at house-sitting.
Thank you for missing me, or at least for pretending until my back is turned.

Throughout the evening I'll be catching up on answering comments.
Thanks in advance for whatever you said while I was gone.

Things I Did While I Was House-Sitting:

1. Watched part of the Firefly marathon on the Sci-Fi channel

2. Walked around in nothing but boots and a hoodie* while I waited for my laundry to finish drying

3. Got so chilly I discovered new places where goose bumps can exist

4. Watched a lot of Spongebob Squarepants and enjoyed it immensely despite losing 3% of my brain cells

5. Slept in a bed that is significantly more comfortable than my own

6. Wondered if anyone has ever named a guinea pig "Drosophila"
(Bonus points if you know what a Drosophila is.Hint: It's not a guinea pig.)

7. Realized that the Pythagorean Theorem would be a lot more fun to learn if it involved triangles made of chocolate


*Fun fact: Apparently in some parts of Canada, a hoodie is called a Bunnyhug. It's such a cute name, it almost helps me to forget the fact that they eat poutine.

P.S. Poutine is probably still better than mushy peas.
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