Be sure to update your wardrobe accordingly

Last Thursday I posted a picture of a guy wearing a coat made out of meat.
Little did I know that other people on the planet are doing this too.

For example, here's a page called "Hats Of Meat". It's got-- yes, really-- pictures of hats made out of meat. Check out the photo gallery.

And, there's a fashion artist named Pinar Yolacan who makes clothes out of meat. (Including tripe and cow placenta!) Here's an interview on Style.com, which will tell you alllll you need to know.

Also, there was apparently an episode on "America's Next Top Model" where the models had to wear various garments made of meat. Here's a video of the meaty experience. Note: The first sentence of the video is some lady saying "So, I have to wear beef panties!"

And, earlier today, I wore a button made of meat.
Well, ok, actually I just dropped a piece of pepperoni on my shirt while eating pizza.
But it's nice to know that's fashionable now.
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The Jannapedia continues

Here are some more anti-spam words I've gotten from Blogger lately, complete with their definitions.


DISHEN: In a dishen to forgetting my underwear, I also learned that my pants will split if I bend over too far.

UPETY: Heyyy, don't get too upety. People hate that.

TABIS: Tabis the key right above the CapsLock key.

RHECTRIM: A trim, slender rectum. Perhaps this is popular in Hollywood.

AZEST: I used to have azest for life, but ever since having my heart broken, I just want to step in front of a speeding bus.

OUTYPILT: Not to be confused with innie pilt.

WOODISOL: A disinfectant spray for trees.

INTSH: Sumtimes wun more intsh kan make alll the difffrense.
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With the right marinade, anything is possible

Thirteen things I thought after seeing this picture:

1. Would this make someone more likely or LESS likely to become a vegetarian?

2. Did he get paid for modeling this?

3. Look at all the stitch marks.... what did they use for thread?

4. Why is there a microphone on the floor?

5. There are little chunks of meat on the floor too; why is the coat falling apart?

6. Is he laughing because it's cold, because it tickles, or because he secretly enjoys it?

7. I hope he doesn't have a lot of butt hair.

8. Or armpit hair.

9. I wonder how much all that meat cost.

10. I wonder if they rinsed it off and cooked it afterward.

11. And I wonder if the person who ate it knew where it had been.

12. For all we know, this is where 99-cent burgers come from.

13. Place your order early enough, and you might get one without butt hair.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Of course, Victor always was a little strange

Last week Marilyn did a post about the VLT in the European Southern Labaratory.
It turns out that VLT is a real acronym used by astronomers.... it stands for "Very Large Telescope."
This amuses me.

Here are 10 other things the letters VLT could stand for:

1. Vampires Like Transylvania
2. Valerie Looked Trashy
3. Vikings Love Thor!
4. Vitamin-Laced Turnips
5. Virtual Lollipop Technology
6. Vegetarians Like Tofu
7. Vehement Loathsome Troll
8. Very Little Training
9. Voluptuous Luscious Torte
10. Victor Licks Tacos
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Manic Monday: Snow

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Peanut Butter and WHAT?

I've come to the conclusion that we live in a bizarre world where people eat a lot of freaky weird things.
Even something as innocent and tasty as peanut butter can be rendered virtually inedible by the addition of a few simple ingredients.

This post is all about weird peanut butter sandwiches.

I want you guys to tell me all about this.
Have you done any of the following hideous combinations?
It's ok, go on and admit it. You'll feel better afterward. Or at least you might after you get the taste out of your mouth.

1. Peanut Butter and Pickle.
Gwen says she likes this. Apparently there are others who agree.

2. Peanut Butter, Bacon, and Mayonnaise.
Also known as a sad waste of perfectly good bacon. I don't want to believe it's true, but... it is.

3. Peanut Butter, Mayonnaise, and Lettuce.
The very thought makes me feel a bit queasy. I don't like lettuce on sandwiches, and mayo is pure evil. Yet, here it is.

4. Peanut Butter and Tuna.
Frightening. And there's more than one site for it. Shudder.

5. Peanut Butter and Onion.
Onions are already evil. They're extra evil if they're responsible for wasting perfectly good peanut butter. Yet, here are multiple recipes for this combination from hell.

6. Peanut Butter and Mustard.
Here's a video of a kid eating one. On purpose. As if that wasn't bad enough, here's peanut butter with mustard AND onion.

7. Peanut Butter and Tomato.
Yes, there are multiple sites for people who eat this.

8. Peanut Butter and Tofu.
Yes. Believe it or not. Here.

9. Peanut Butter and Salmonella.
What? You hadn't heard? Hey, go on. Try it. It can't be any worse than any of these others.

10. Peanut Butter and Eggs.
PB and eggs, together in a sandwich. Here's how to make one. Here's a video of some guy eating one.

11. Peanut Butter AND Dill Pickle AND Tomato AND Onion AND Bacon.
Want to try it? Maybe this guy can help, if his stomach hasn't self-destructed yet.

12. Peanut Butter and Fish Heads.
Well, I don't know if it actually got eaten, but here's a (possibly photoshopped) picture of it.

13. Peanut Butter, Garlic, and Spaghetti.
Lest you think I am being closed-minded to the possibility of trying strange things, I'd like to say that I actually think this might not be all that bad. I've had Thai peanut noodles before, and they're pretty tasty. This would probably have a similar flavor. Here's a recipe. (not a sandwich but an entree).

14. Peanut Butter and the jelly from the inside of a can of Spam.
Think I'm kidding? Go look at #12 on this list.


What else is there? What flavors do YOU mix with peanut butter?
Go on, tell me.
I must know. :)

By the way, January 24th is National Peanut Butter Day.
So go ahead.
Just stay away from the contaminated stuff.
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Sorry to hear about your mencil

Here are some more entries for the Jannapedia.
As you probably remember, these are anti-spam "words" I've gotten from Blogger lately-- complete with my own definitions.


MENCIL: An unfortunate male appendage that is the size of a pencil.

BARKI: Possibly the name of Barbie's dog.

SPOLUMP: The sound you make when running over a possum.

HICNE: Having hiccups and acne at the same time.

FRIESS: Why, yesss, I would like sssome french friessss, with lotsss of sssalt..

WHERDI: Wherdi go? Wheredi go? He was just here a minute ago....

NORING: Noring, Noengagement, Nowedding.

NORMIST: Someone who is prejudiced in favor of "normal" people.

TINGS: Dere are tings I regret... like eating dat spider.
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Did you miss me?

(Just say yes. Lie if you have to.)

I've been in an awful mood this week.
I've been sick, plus my great-aunt died, plus I had my heart re-broken again. (Insert bitterness and misery and disbelief and various other synonyms here).

I plan to remedy this by taking lots of vitamin C, spending more time with my surviving relatives, and never, ever, ever, ever falling in love with anyone in the universe ever, ever again.
So far, the plan has worked well.

Just call me Janna the eunuch. (Jannuch?)

To make up for being gone since Monday, I'm going to post the following potpourri of things:

First, I'd like to draw your attention to this strangely disturbing picture. Let me know what you think. It kinda reminds me of a cross between JarJar Binks, a litter of puppies, and some lady I saw at the store last Sunday.

Second, I'd like to say that Calvin & Hobbes was one of the best cartoons ever. I like this one, even though it's not particularly funny, because it's something I've actually done before. (When I'm not dreaming of Carrot Top, that is.)

Next, I think this sums up my thoughts on french fries.

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And, if you need something to go along with your french fries, you can always try this:

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Manic Monday: Office

I almost skipped today's post, just because I'm not feeling quite so well.
Kinda headachey and super-tired, and my bones hurt, and my muscles hurt...
Just in case I have four hours to live, it was nice knowing you.

Anyway....

The Manic Monday theme is "office".
I am totally going to cop out and post a cartoon instead of writing something of my own.
On the bright side, though, it IS a Dilbert cartoon.
(Click to enlarge if needed)


On Jantics today, I explained why I like Dilbert cartoons so much.
And on Jantrails, I posted some rambling incoherent thing about office supplies.

Certainly I'll be embarrassed at my lack of blogospherical integrity in a few days, but for now, I'm going back to bed.
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I dreamed I was Carrot Top's girlfriend

WEIRD DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT:

I dreamed I had a crush on Carrot Top. I'd go to his shows and admire him from afar until one night when I got on stage with him. He was using some cute little teddy bear as a comedy prop, and I reached out and took the bear.
The audience didn't seem to mind; they must've thought it was pre-planned.
Mr. Carrot said he'd like me to give back the bear, please. I leaned in and whispered something witty and provocative in his ear. (I wish I could remember what it was. All I remember is that it was flirty sizzly hot.)
Then I took another prop of his, which was a gold ring similar to the Lord Of The Rings thing.
He wasn't particularly interested in me, but wasn't rude either.

A few nights later I felt guilty about stealing his bear and ring, so I decided I'd return the items to him. I camped outside his apartment/house like a good little stalker, and waited for him to come out.

When he did, I gave him the bear and the ring.

He seemed so touched by my gesture.... and paused to think for a moment.

"Well," he said, "Since my wife died a few days ago, I guess I could have dinner with you tomorrow. Not tonight, though. I've already had dinner."
(???!!!!)
Without even pausing to think about the creepy "wife-dying" thing, I accepted his invitation, and we were boyfriend & girlfriend from that moment on.

Weird.

Note: Incidentally, I DID meet Carrot Top in person once, many years ago. He did a show at Adrian College. I got to sit right in front with my friend who, coincidentally, DID have a major crush on Carrot Top.
Somewhere I have a t-shirt he autographed.
No teddy bears, though.
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The curious pursuit of vertical hair

Friday afternoon I was in the grocery store parking lot and I saw a kid walking with his mom. He looked about 10 or 11 years old.
That, in itself, wasn't strange.
What I found odd was the fact that the kid had a mohawk.
A real, honest-to-goodness, poking-straight-up for at least 2 inches, jet black mohawk.
Is this a common thing amongst the children of today?

I Googled for pictures of mohawks, and found the following oddities.
What would be REALLY cool is if they did the same thing to their armpit hair.
I guess if you put on enough deodorant, you could slick it into any shape you wanted.

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The "Pretending-To-Care" Whopper

A few days ago (in the comments here), GigglePixie asked me if I've tried the new "Angry Whopper" yet.
I had one today.
It supposedly has spicy onion rings, spicy pepper sauce, hot jalapenos, peppery bacon, and spicy pepper jack cheese. (And lettuce and mayo, but I got mine without those.)

It is also obscenely expensive. (Since when is it ok to pay five bucks for a burger?)
I feel like I need to eat Ramen Noodles for a week, just to do financial penance.

The burger is.... (wait for it).... NOT hot.
Not spicy. Slightly flavorful, but not spicy. Not hot. Not even medium.
Not angry.
It might have been angry at some point in its troubled past, but it has obviously undergone successful shock therapy since then. Or perhaps it's hooked on valium and just doesn't care anymore.
It's such a shame when burgers resolve their anger management issues before I have a chance to eat them.
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Thirteen reasons to hate cold weather

1) If you gasp in amazement at the fact that McDonalds raised the price of their double cheeseburger from $1.00 to $1.19, your throat freezes.

2) If you try to sniff derisively instead, your boogers freeze.

3) If you reluctantly decide to buy one anyway, you might not be able to roll down your car window at the drive-thru because of all the ice holding it shut.

4) If you even THINK about buying something frozen (shake, sundae, flurry), your brain freezes in protest.

5) After you order the double cheeseburger (no onions) and pull up to the next window, your fingertips freeze as you try to dig spare change out of the wallet that got left in the car overnight.

6) In your arctic mental haze, the car in front of you starts to look like an igloo on wheels.

7) Gratefully taking your burger from the next window person, trying to say "thank you", but instead shivering and mumbling something that sounds like "th-thh-thzghsthkyou...."

8) Frozen tears of despair and frustration as you realize they made a mistake and put onions on your burger after you asked them not to.

9) Fruitless search for a parking space near the door instead of halfway across the parking lot, eventually parking next to some polar bears (who are about to eat a McSeal)

10) Slipping on the ice and falling on your face as you carry the erroneous cheeseburger back into McDonalds.

11) Nonchalantly explaining to concerned passersby that it's ok; you ALWAYS have frozen pickles stuck to your eyelids.

12) Awkwardly explaining to high-school-age McDonalds employee that they got the order wrong (attempting to ignore any tattoos, unfortunate piercings, or forked tongues)

13) Going back out to car with the correct cheeseburger, glancing in rear-view mirror, and finding that there was a frozen booger on your nose the entire time.
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P.S. Only eight of the aforementioned items have actually happened to me. I'll let you wonder which ones.
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Wordless Wednesday

How to win a zillion billion quintupillion dollars

Tonight (1-13-09) is the first band rehearsal of the new season!
I'm looking forward to it.
I've been working on a new composition, but don't have it quite ready yet.
I've got 105 measures written so far.

I will pay a zillion billion quintupillion dollars* to anyone who can correctly solve the following problem for me:

Regarding the composition software known as Finale Printmusic....
HOW do you get the score to make a space between movements?
I want a break in the score, a blank space with nothing at all, zilch, nada, zip. No blank measures, just empty white space in between each movement. That way, when I extract the individual parts, each movement will be separate from the others. Know what I mean?

There is nothing in any of the manuals or tutorials or search thingies that will explain this to me. I have grown weary.

And I just realized that if you know nothing about music, this post probably sounded both boring and painful, what with extracting parts and breaking scores and separating movements.

No musicians were harmed in the making of this post.
Yet.
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*Note: the zillion billion quintupillion dollars will be paid in Jannaverse currency, which looks amazingly similar to dryer lint. However, if you hold it really close to your ear, you can hear it whispering "thank you.... thank you.... thank you....."
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Here I am! Still alive and able to process coherent thought 55% of the time!

Thank you to all of you who left me good wishes as I rapidly descend into the pit of senility turn another year older.

My current Twitter status is this: Hey, now that I'm old and senile, wanna trade dentures? I'll even wipe mine off first, if you want.

To describe part of what I did today, I'm going to copy and paste this e-mail I sent to Morgen a few minutes ago:

I've had a good birthday; nice and peaceful.
Mom and Dad took me to Olive Garden, and it was soooo goooood.
Everything was nice. The service, the food, everything. I had that new "mezzaluna" (half-moon) pasta. It's half-circle ravioli stuffed with melty cheeses and covered in a yummy sauce (garlic, cream, white wine, ooooohhhhhh.) with shrimp. Mom's was the same mezzaluna pasta but she got the sausage version. I tried a piece of the sausage and it was heavenly.
For dessert I had that "black tie" cheesecake torte layered thingy. Wow. Like all the chocolate in the world, exploding in your mouth all at once. OMG.
Highly recommended. :)

And..... yes..... the employees simply had to come over and clap while singing their birthday tribute song loud enough for the whole universe to hear. LOL. Embarrassing yet still somewhat fun, in a "shoot me now" kind of way.

I had a good day. :)
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Getting ready for my last year of thirtiosity

Sunday is my birthday... and I will be 39.
One more year before the big four-oh.
I'm hoping to avert a mid-life crisis by applying a steady stream of purring cats, blogospherical goodness, and a lot of tacos.
I hear chocolate helps too.

So, how long before I get the senior citizen discount?
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Consider yourself twitterized

I believe in recycling. Well, at least I believe in recycling my favorite old Twitters. Here are thirteen of them I did last August and September.
If any of you are on Twitter, feel free to follow me if you'd like.
Or you could choose to just run screaming in the opposite direction. I'll try not to take it personally.
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The world is a strange and mysterious place. On the bright side, though, we do have nachos. 6:46 PM Aug 29th, 2008

Exhausted and ready to sleep, if my brain will let me. Anyone have some tranquilizer darts I can borrow? 2:08 AM Aug 31st, 2008

I wish I had some fluorescent crayons so I could randomly color pages in the phone book. 7:27 PM Sep 1st, 2008

Life is slightly better while eating ice cream. 4:51 PM Sep 4th, 2008

I smell a skunk. 9:28 PM Sep 6th, 2008

Why do skunks always remind me of burnt popcorn? 9:29 PM Sep 6th, 2008

So, wait, lemme get this straight... people usually SLEEP at four-thirty in the morning, right? 3:24 AM Sep 11th, 2008

Tired, thirsty, and staring at pine trees. No reason. 5:37 PM Sep 11th, 2008

It's raining outside, really hard. I need a shower. It's the middle of the night; would anyone really notice if I just went out there naked? 1:43 AM Sep 13th, 2008

There is noplace nearby where I can get spaghetti and meatballs at 11 in the evening. I find this very sad. 9:58 PM Sep 14th, 2008

So if I keep my cell phone in my bra, is it beaming radio waves directly into my heart? 10:00 PM Sep 14th, 2008

I wish I could reach into my bra and magically produce money. 5:42 PM Sep 17th, 2008

It would also be nice if I could reach into my underwear and magically produce money . But then I'd want to wash it first. 5:44 PM Sep 17th, 2008
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Wordless Wednesday

More from the Jannapedia

I can't resist giving you a few more anti-spam random letter-groupings I've seen lately.
I'm hoping it will make some cute nerdy descendant of Noah Webster want to ask me out on a date.
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ZEDNONS: After the Zednons invaded, our planet smelled vaguely of broccoli...

IDREE: Someone started singing "I dream of Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair", but unexpectedly got vaporized after the first two syllables.

FLACT: A fact about flatulence.

ANTIONI: Pasta in an alternate universe. If macaroni and antioni ever unite, both will be destroyed.

WHEEM: The sound time makes as it whizzes by while you're busy procrastinating.

FLYCHI: The insect version of Tai Chi.
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(Here are all the Jannapedia posts I've done so far.)
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Things the letters SALE could stand for:

Sometimes Anthony Looks Excited
See? Arkansas Loves Everyone!
Sautee All Lovebirds Evenly
Someone Almost Left Earth
Stupidity Always Lowers Expectations
Sour Apples Lurk Everywhere
Stefan Actually Learned English
Spiked Armpits Look Excruciating
Severe Arthritis = Leaping Elephants
Stick Around; Let's Eat!

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What I SHOULD have said....

Something interesting happened Friday night.
It all started on my way back from a late-night Taco Bell craving.
This was about 2:00 in the morning, on one of the many back roads in Michigan, out in the middle of nowhere. Up ahead of me, I saw strange blinking lights off to the side of the road. At first I thought it was someone's odd idea of Christmas lights, or maybe some of those blinking light thingies that the road construction people put up when we have to avoid a section of the road.
But, as I got closer, I saw that it was a car which had gotten into an accident.
They were facing into the ditch, perpendicular to the road, nose-downward at nearly a 45-degree angle. The blinking lights I saw were their hazard lights.

Yikes, I thought.

Unsure of what to expect, I decided to stop and see if they needed my help.
I parked on the opposite side of the road and got out.
"Hi..." I heard someone say.
It was coming from inside the car. Sounded like a a teenage girl. Early 20's at the oldest. It was so dark out; I couldn't see what they looked like or if they were ok.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"Yeah.... we swerved to avoid a deer, and spun out into the ditch."
"Do you need me to call 911?" I offered, holding up my phone.
"No, that's ok. My dad is on the way."
They seemed calm enough about everything, so I left them. Unsure of what to say before leaving, I ended up saying something pretty stupid.

"Well, good luck," I said hopefully, with as much soothing optimism as possible.

Really. What a stupid thing to say.
Kinda late for "good luck," wasn't it?
I wish I could've hit the rewind button and said something that wasn't quite as dumb.

Possibilities:
1) "Well, I'm glad you're ok."
2) "I hope everything turns out all right."
3) "Watch out for the big hairy madman that prowls this area in the middle of the night and occasionally turns into a vampire zombie werewolf. He usually gets hungry around 2:00."
4) "Tell your dad he still owes me twenty bucks."
5) "I'm the lawyer for the deer you almost hit. We'll see you in court."
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Something to maybe possibly avoid

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Be sure to pencil them into your dictionary

Here are more anti-spam random letter-groupings I've seen lately. As usual, I've taken the liberty of including my own definitions.

(In case you'd like a refresher course, here are all the Jannapedia posts I've done so far.)

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SUBBLING (Bling that hasn't quite made it to the top yet)

OHOOSS (If you listen closely, this is the sound those "Silent But Deadly" farts make.)

NOLBOO (What you say when trying to scare Nol. Though it would probably be more effective if you didn't say his name first.)

PERKKN (I'm perkkn up, noww thatt I've hadd twenntty kups of koffee!!!!)

HENTORE (That stupid hentore up the new chicken fence, which is why we're deep-frying her for dinner tonight.)

WORIN (I ben worin about yu ever sinse yu drank twenntty kups of koffee)

TURASM (When a turkey gets really, REALLY excited)

TRUNIS (The opposite of falseness)

APPOLY (As a fugitive on the run from the law, the letter "o" decided to hide in the middle of the word "apply". "No one will find me here," he said foolishly.)
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Waving goodbye as 2008 crawls back into the muck from whence it came

I have great expectations for 2009, mostly because 2008 was so awful for me.
Really. 2008 was one of the worst years I've had in a long time.
Had my heart broken twice, had health problems, had financial trouble, had problems with friends, problems with family, and.... did I mention I had my heart broken twice?

So, what did I do on January 1st, to usher in the new season of hope and promise and goodness?

Spent most of the day sick in bed with a terrible headache and backache.

The kicker is, I didn't even drink the night beforehand. I actually spent New Years Eve with my folks. We had homemade pizza and stayed up late watching the Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci-Fi channel. It was nice, even if it highlights the sad fact that I have no social life whatsoever.

Not sure what gave me the headache.
Perhaps it was one last kick from 2008, as it got hit by the door on its way out.

Good riddance.
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Things I would rather not experience in 2009

1) Drunken yodeling
2) The end of the universe
3) The end of the McDonald's dollar menu
4) $5.00 gas prices
5) Getting my heart broken again
6) Having my internal organs sucked out through my left ear and then squirted back in through my right ear.
7) Anthrax
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