Saturday, April 19, 2008

When in doubt, blame monkeys

There's a bruise on my right arm about the size of a Ritz cracker. I woke up with it last week and am not entirely sure how it got there. My guess is that I probably bumped against a doorknob in the middle of the night while getting up to pee.
Last Tuesday at band and ABC group, people kept asking me how I got the bruise. I told them the truth, but in retrospect I should've come up with something more exciting.
Like this, for example:

Well, I was driving around listening to NPR, mentally comparing and contrasting the socio-economic situations of Zimbabwe, Argentina, and Indonesia, when suddenly I saw a car with a flat tire at the side of the road. All these monkeys were gathered around the car but none of them knew how to change tires so they just kept flinging their feces at it instead.
I hate monkeys, so I rolled down my window as I drove by and yelled, "This is why they shouldn't give drivers' licenses to monkeys!" And then I drove off.

Well, later that night, as I was laying in bed trying to sleep, I heard something sneaking through the window and creeping into the bedroom. It was the same group of monkeys; they had tracked me down and were bent on revenge. Some of them ate all my bananas, some tried impregnating my cats, and the rest began pelting me with more feces. Most of the poop just sort of bounced off but one of them was kind of constipated and it hit me really hard in the arm right here, which is how I got this bruise.
Stupid monkeys.


book_it said...

Oh the horror!! And us poor monkeys get blamed for everything it seems.)

(monkeytale -- logged into different account)

Janna said...

Book_it: Monkeys may soon be responsible for the downfall of Western civilization. At least that's who I plan to blame it on.

Mo said...

I think it's a sympathy bruise on your arm, since today is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of the Infamous 2-Liter Bottle Debacle!!!!!!!

I tried to find a card to send to commemorate the event, but can you believe Hallmark doesn't make a "So you got attacked by a two liter and got cellulitis a year ago?" cards!

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Janna said...

Morgen: Oooooh, you're SO close. Actually the anniversary is on the 20th (tomorrow). I may do a post on it; haven't decided yet. Thanks for remembering, though! I wondered if anyone would. :)

Rimm: Sigh. I know this is spam, believe me, I know.... yet I'm so desperate for comments that I'm keeping it up and responding to it as if it was actually meaningful. Surely I am in the depths of blog-comment-poverty.

Mo said...

I do get credit for remembering the event, though, right?!? I mean, I put it in my GoogleCalendar so I'd get an e-mail reminder and everything! Now, THAT's a friend = someone who gets e-reminders about their buddy's maiming!

Janna said...

Morgen: Oh, absolutely, kudos and bonus points for remembering my maiming! I appreciate that! Feel free to send a bouquet of bacon chalupas. Don't forget the Fire sauce.

Travis said...

That does it! Now I'll have nightmares about roaming bands of monkeys.


Meloncutter said...

You should have stopped everything you were doing and spanked those monkeys. Ever so often every monkey gets out of line and needs a spanking. But be careful when you start getting my age, lately I need help spanking my monkey.

Bad Monkeys. SPANK SPANK.

Later Y'all.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Why do you feel you must attack the sexy, beautiful monkeys?

Mo said...

So, here I am on the anniversary: where's the 2-liter love?

Janna said...

Travis: Glad I could help!

Meloncutter: Does your monkey sometimes wear black lace and high heels?

Fab: Hey, they attacked me first!

Morgen: I just posted it. :)