Monday, April 28, 2008

Please make sure I'm actually dead before you take the quarters

MM-bluetextIt's after midnight, so technically it's Monday now. Really, though, it's Sunday night and I'm still at Morgen's. I'm posting this from the laptop in the living room. Morgen's already gone to bed. I plan to be up for another hour or so.
It dawned on me that I have no idea what to post for Manic Monday.

So, let's try this.

The theme word is Rip.
Often the letters RIP are found on tombstones.

So, here is a list of possible things you can engrave on my tombstone after I'm dead.

1. No, you can't have her chocolate now either.
2. Try not to remember her as the person who farted on your sofa.
3. It's too bad she hated sauerkraut.
4. She may also have hated eels.
5. At least she loved cheese.
6. But not cheesy eels with sauerkraut.
7. She only made sense when she wanted to.
8. It would have been nice if you'd bought some autographed squares of her underwear. Instead she died poor and alone. Shame on you.
9. She hated TV commercials about yeast infections.
10. There's a secret compartment in her left kidney which contains $4.75 in quarters.
.

17 comments:

anthonynorth said...

Some excellent epitaphs there.
Like them.

WillThink4Wine said...

Perhaps if you'd cut your underwear into 2 inch squares you'd have made more money and not died! Why are there quarters in your left kidney? Are there Susan B Anthony dollars in the right kidney?

Mo said...

Cheesy eels with sauerkraut - yes, that's EXACTLY what the big old fart smelled like, that Janna let RIP last night while I was unfolding the sleeper sofa for her.

As I staggered back from the greenish cloud of noxious fumes, I think I yelled, "There goes your invitation for May!"

And she wonders why I had nightmares last night....

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

janna farted at mo's???

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Janna said...

Anthony: I'm glad!

WillThink4Wine: I think there are rice cakes in my right kidney.

Morgen: It was a beautiful, awe-inspiring fart with volume AND length AND aromatic quality. Guys across the planet were applauding and holding up score cards. One of them even gave me a 9.9!!

Bee: You didn't notice? I'll try to remember to aim toward the Southeast next time.

the teach said...

The one about farting on the couch and the sauerkraut seem to go together... :D Bwahahahahahaha!

Trukindog said...

11. She OD'd on meat lovers pan pizza with extra cheese and die'd happy.

Lynda said...

I am totally taking your chocolate anyway.

Corina said...

Very creative, and funny!!!

Shelli said...

I don't want the quarters either. Sorry.

Shelli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Travis said...

You're saving the $4.75 for tacos in the afterlife, aren't you?

HA! You can't fool me!

Janna said...

Teach: Yeah, just imagine how worse my farts would be if I DID like sauerkraut.

Trukindog: That IS one of my favorite ways to go...

Lynda: HEY!!!

Corina: Thank you!

Shelli: But just think of all the pay phone calls you could make! And the car washes! And the handful of ugly cheap tacky stuff from vending machines! It's a treasure trove just waiting to be released!

Travis: Hopefully tacos are a LOT cheaper in the afterlife. I'm hoping for some kind of "Four for a dollar" special.

Marilyn said...

You mean nobody bought the underwear squares?

Janna said...

Marilyn: Nobody! Not even one!

Grumpus said...

What about "God Grant She Lie Still"? You can terrify cemetery visitors for generations to come.

Janna said...

Grumpus: Ooooh, that would be fun!