Thursday, April 17, 2008

I'll be over here in the corner, with the Velcro and the pineapple

If you've read Jantics and Jantrails lately, it will come as no surprise to learn that my mind has finally snapped. Really, it was only a matter of time.
Now that the inevitable has happened, here are thirteen things that might be fun to do:

1. Search for road kill and try flying it like a kite (note to self: try small animals first and gradually work my way up to deer)

2. Build a motor home out of pretzels and cheese.

3. See if AA batteries taste the same as C batteries.

4. Write an ensemble piece for xylophone, sandpaper, leaky faucet, and toenail clippers.

5. Explain to random strangers on the street that I'm sorry I can't read their minds today because I lost my magic helmet. (This would make a bad pick-up line at a bar... "Pssst, hey, baby, I got your "magic helmet" right HERE....")

6. Offer to sell autographed squares of my old underwear. (woops, already did this one)

7. Begin referring to my garage as "The Sacred Refuge Of Ancient Dusty Zolthar"

8. Stand in the middle of a crowded street, point up at the sky, and scream "Oh, my god, it's still there! And it's INVISIBLE this time!"

9. Drink more fruit punch and claim that it makes my blood a prettier shade of red.

10. Talk to tires.

11. Invent new high-fiber cereal called "Septic Crunch"

12. Velcro myself to my bed so I will no longer be tempted to get up in the morning.

13. Spontaneously visit friends while wearing nothing but gloves and pineapple rings.


Meloncutter said...

There is most definately a song that could be written about the gloves and pineapple rings idea.

Thinking maybe a 12 bar blues.

Later Y'all.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Do indeed taste the same, except for 9 volts.

Travis said...

The talking to tires thing? Over-rated. They talk back, you see. Then you end up kicking them and hurting your feet.

I'd re-think that one.

Mo said...

1. You have to wait for it to get hot for roadkill to attain "freeway frisbee" flat lightness to make an air-worthy kite. And we all know you hate hot. And hot + roadkill = not the best idea you've ever had.
2. Use that canned aerosol Easy Cheese. That shit is like cement when it dries.
3. They do taste like C batteries, with just a hint of cilantro.
4. Oh, if only you'd said, "and toenail clippings" then I would have rushed out and bought that CD.
5. I hate it when I lose my magic helmet.
6. See, I'm leaving a comment this time!
7. Ah, Zolthar, you became dusty before your time...
8. Where'd you find a crowded street in Michigan?
9. Mmmmm... fruit punch.
10. You could be the Deee-troit Motor City version of Dr. Doolittle!
11. That'll give Colon Blow a run for it's money!
12. Do you sleep on the soft curly nappy side, or on the pointed prickly side of the velcro? Because which side you sleep on says a lot about you, I think.
13. I'll never be able to eat pineapple upside down cake again, thankyouverymuch!

Teri said...

Yep, you've finally snapped.

The men in white coats will be by, shortly.

you come up with some funny shit, though!

Janna said...

Meloncutter: The pineapple ring blues?

Fab: Well, of course, the 9-VOLTS taste like hell...

Travis: I never kick tires. I like to hit them with empty bottles of deodorant instead.

1. Actually it might be more fun to fly them BEFORE they've dried flat.
2. I know! They could fix airplanes with that stuff!
3. I like cilantro... I think.
4. Clippers, clippings, close enough. Buy the CD anyway.
5. Look under the sofa.
6. Good!
7. Sad, isn't it?
8. Hey!!
9. Yum!
10. I hate Detroit.
11. I knew you were going to mention Colon Blow!
12. The soft curly nappy side.
13. So you're saying you DON'T want me to send you a picture?

Teri: I hope the men in white coats think I'm funny too!

Marilyn said...

number 12 is just not necessary. I woke this morning and I could see a little scrap of sky from my bed. It was snowing. I was not tempted to leave the bed at all... I'd still be there is it wasn't for my pesky bills and the strange compulsion to take pictures for my blog... Maybe I should move there. You seem to have summer there sometimes.

Meloncutter said...

Here I am. Up at 2 am on a Friday morning bored on my ass. I stopped by hoping you had posted a picture of the pineapple rings and gloves thingy in order to inspire me to write the blues.


Later Y'all.

Janna said...

Marilyn: Summer is evil! I miss the snow!

Meloncutter: Somehow I'm saddened by the fact that it would inspire you to write the BLUES. :)