Monday, January 28, 2008

The Flying Turtle (a cautionary tale)

Once upon a time, there was a turtle named Fred. Fred's only friends were a frog and a rabbit (Gene and Trina).
They all lived in a medium-sized forest with a lot of other woodland creatures.
One morning, Fred saw a plane flying overhead and wished he could fly.
"Why can't I fly?" He asked his two friends.
Gene and Trina looked at each other knowingly. "Well, you did score pretty low on all those aptitude tests."
"Well, that's just because I partied a little too hard the night before the test."
"We ALL partied," Gene reminded him. "But you were the only one who got so drunk you flipped over backward onto your shell and started singing 'Woops I Did It Again' at the top of your lungs until we all flipped you back over again."
"Well, um...."
"And you paid one of the slutty raccoons to spray paint 'Always Hard' on the back of your shell," Trina reminded him.
Fred stifled a chuckle. "Heh. Yeah. That WAS pretty cool. We totally made out later that night, too."
Trina rolled her eyes.
Gene patted Fred's shell in sympathy. "Look, man, just be happy with who you are. Turtles aren't supposed to fly. They're just supposed to.... I dunno, sit around and slowly do 'turtley' things."
"But I want to FLY! Please, just once, will the two of you throw me up into the sky so I can see what it's like?"
Gene and Trina started to protest until Fred reminded them that he could always just lay around and sing "Achy Breaky Heart" instead.
So they obliged him and threw him as far up into the air as they could, with the aid of a nearby branch which served as a catapult.
Up, up, UP he went.
"I'm flying! I'm FLYING!" he shouted.
The whole forest heard him shouting, even the slutty raccoon who had let him get to second base a few weeks ago.
"I'm flying!!" He repeated for the benefit of anyone who might not have heard. "I'M--"
A nearby hunter who was unfortunately nearsighted mistook him for a pheasant and blasted him to bits.
"What the hell?" Shouted the hunter.
"Aw, crap!!" Shouted Gene and Trina.
"Noooo!!!" Shouted the slutty raccoon. "I was going to let him go all the way tonight!"
"Finally," muttered the rest of the forest. "Now we don't have to listen to any more lousy singing."
"Mmmgghhhff, rwfff," said the hunter's dog, Zeke, who had found the turtle's remains and was trying to taste them.

Moral of the story #1: You might as well be happy with who you are, because you'll kill yourself trying to be anybody else.

Moral of the story #2: If you do things that annoy people around you, don't be surprised if they help hasten your demise, like whispering to a hunter "Look! A pheasant!"

P.S. The slutty raccoon was actually bisexual and was only using Fred to get into bed with Trina.


onionboy said...

What the hell are you talking about?

Janna said...

Onionboy: LOL!! I get the impression people say that a lot when they read my blog. :)

Gattina said...

Nice story, lol

Meloncutter said...

Critter porn.

Thats an interesting twist.

Later Y'all.

tegdirb92 said...

thanks for the thought of the day. Loved it!

Sanni said...

You made my day *wink*

Happy MM!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Most raccoons are bisexual.

I watch a lot of Nature Planet.

Mo said...

Will you spraypaint "Always Hard" on my shell?

Juby said...

OMG Janna, that was amazing! And I'm secretly mad at Mo for taking my thought :-P

Love ya!

the108 said...

You know... this would make a great children's book. I'm on board to illustrate it if you want.

the teach said...

Okay, so that was funny...:)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I love your twisted sense of humor. Bwahahahaha. Have a great MM. :)

metalmom said...


That was great! You always make me laugh...or at least scratch my head and wonder about you!

Travis said...


Janna said...

Gattina: Thank you!

Meloncutter: Yes, I thought so!

Tegdirb: Glad you liked it!

Sanni: Good! :)

Mr. Fab: Is there a "Playboy Nature Planet" channel?

Morgen: If you buy the paint, then yes!!

Kyle (Juby): Bring some spray paint to band tomorrow night and I will gladly write on your shell too. :)

The108: Then, maybe we can get it made into a Saturday morning cartoon!

Teach: I'm glad!

Sandee: Twisted is FUN! :)

Metalmom: Good, that's exactly the reaction I'm going for!

Janna said...

Travis: Is that good or bad?

Reba said...

Janna, I gotta tell you that you are one sick and twisted woman. I like that in my friends!! Hahaha. All this laughing, now I've fallen on my shell and I can't get up!

Alice - I Was Born2Cree8 said...

Oh dad nab it.... the links got screwed up on that last post... it wasn't Reba... it was ME that said that junk.

Reba & Shadow @ Reba's Run said...

Now it's Reba & co-bloggin' critter Shadow!! Reba's Run is now a two critter blog... an interspecies blog in fact. We liked your story. Well, we were a bit shocked when that poor flyin' turtle got shot out of the sky. I'd like to know who's the rat that told the blind hunter to shoot. Great morals for the story.

Janna said...

Reba and Alice: It's ok; sometimes I have trouble keeping stuff straight too!