If only they would pay me for this....

Cards Hallmark hasn't made yet:

1. Wishing you health and peace and a lot more common sense than that idiot who cut me off in traffic last Tuesday.

2. Sorry your toaster 'accidentally' fell into the bathtub with your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend!*

3. Not sure how to leave this big hint:
Like a carcass with eight greenish tints,
Anchovy filets,
Or a bout with malaise,
Your breath makes me weep. Have a mint.

4. Congratulations on four whole years of keeping that collection of ketchup packets in your car!
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*P.S. You may have to re-read #2 a few times, but it's totally worth it.
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