Thursday, March 4, 2010

Things That Are Naturally Fat-Free

1. Blankets
(but not pigs in blankets).

2. Planets
(every one except ours).

3. Teddy Bears
(If only they didn't take so long to bake...)

4. Hand Sanitizer
(Have the most germ-free digestive tract ever!)

5. Driveway Gravel
(Unless your car has an oil leak)

6. Dictionary
(Well, you first have to rip out that page in the "F" section...)

7. Sawdust
(Which is probably why most "diet" breads taste like they feature it prominently)

8. Cell Phones
(Unless you've been texting while eating pepperoni pizza)

9. The rocket launcher I always consider aiming at people who tailgate me, much like a stunt you'd see in a James Bond film with some high-energy music in the background which reaches its apex when the car soars off the edge of an ominously high cliff and explodes as it hits the bottom.
(Have a nice day.)


otin said...

I didn't see Oprah on your list of fat free items. Any particular reason for that?? hehe

PattiKen said...

What? The rocket launcher is fat free?! Why didn't somebody TELL me??!!!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I don't mean this to sound critical, but yesterday I heard Neal deGrasse Tyson, American astrophysicist and charmingly witty director of the Hayden Planetarium, saying scientists recently discovered good evidence for life on the planet Mars. And where there's life, I'm guessing there's some form of the Twinkie and BBQ. Once further tests are done, a scientific review of your post may be required to determine whether bullet point #2 can stand. Unfortunately, it'll probably take even longer for the Catholic church to decide whether you're right or wrong, and you may be on the butt end of inquisition until then. Stay strong.

Janna said...

Otin: She's still being tested at the lab. Her results take longer because she insists on the test tubes being made entirely of diamonds.

PattiKen: It was in the memo! I swear!

MikeWJ: Ah, but all the BBQ on Mars is 100% fat-free, which is why we've spent so many billions of dollars trying to get there. (I forget, how many centuries did it take for the church to admit Galileo was right after all? It's a good thing I'm not Catholic.)