Monday, April 6, 2009

Because poverty is no excuse to act normal

Since I'm embarrassingly poor and can't even afford one night in a cheap smelly motel, I must therefore search for other ways to have good times.

Here is a list of options for my next "trip", all of which are surprisingly affordable.

1) Drive to the nearest gas station and sit in the parking lot with a sketch pad. Draw pictures of all the people filling up their gas tanks. If someone asks what you're doing, say "I can't afford to fill my own gas tank, so I have to live vicariously through those who can." Then ask them to go pose next to the Premium Unleaded.

2) Walk to the back yard and count all the blades of grass. Make up names for the prettiest ones. Decide whether or not to pick them and press them in between the pages of a really big book. Imagine, 20 years from now, you will have little Susie and Arnold and Plaquandra beautifully dried and preserved, and you can talk to them whenever you want to....

3) Walk to the front yard carrying an ice-cold glass of tea. Lay on a big thick comfy blanket with a big pile of phone books from nearby counties. As cars drive by, gasp and point at the driver as if you recognize them, simultaneously pointing down at a page in the phone book. If their window is down, scream "Oh, no! Not you again!"

4) Drive to the nearest waterbed store, carrying two large suitcases. Tell the employee you have a reservation for 7:00. Plop yourself on one of the beds and pretend to fall asleep instantly. If they ask you to leave, "wake up" and pretend not to speak English.

5) Walk to the other side of the road. Say "Wow, the chicken was right," then walk back.

6) Go to a nearby park and sit on a bench. Hold a penny in front of you and pretend to examine it closely. If someone walks by, ask "Here, does this smell funny to you?" If they actually take the penny and sniff it, say "I thought I rinsed off most of the dog poop, but...."


Travis said...

An imagination is wonderful thing.

Da Old Man said...

A staycation can be fun.

I'd like to add #7

Go to yard sales and buy all the crappy souvenirs you can find, and give them to your friends as if you went to those places. For about 5 bucks you can claim to have gone to Florida, Massachusetts, Hawaii, and any place anyone in your 'hood has gone to in the last 30 years.

Jamie said...

The trip around your brain is more adventurous than any vacation.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I don't eat or drink when reading your blog - I would have choked to death from laughing a long time ago...

whall said...

You are one of the most imaginative and creative people I know.

Wait a second, scratch that.

You're two of them.

Janna said...

Travis: True!

DaOldMan: I'll have to remember that! Garage sale season is coming up in a couple months.

Jamie: And cheaper!

Grace: That would have been a shame; I need all the readers I can get. :)

Whall: I know. I'm trying to lose weight.

Trukindog said...

LMAO I love the dog poop penny!

Janna said...

Trukindog: It's the gift that keeps on giving!

VE said...

I think I would do the waterbed and penny ones. Don't tempt me! I'll add my own. Get on the first bus you find and, looking quite out of breath and harried, scream "There's a bomb on this bus, nobody can get off and you must go at least 55mph" and then jump off before you have to pay.

Janna said...

VE: Heyyyy, wait a minute, I think somebody else already did that one.... :)