Friday, November 7, 2008

How to be strange on a budget

Over the next few hours, I'll be catching up on answering any blog comments I may have missed.
Then I'll begin the somewhat pathetic weekly task of trying to figure out what to do on my Friday evening.

I have these visions of everyone else on the planet (construction workers, cannibals, missionaries, dishwasher repairmen, squirrels, libertarians) having such huge amounts of fun on Friday nights. I envision them partying and dancing and dating and having expensive dinners and laughing at hamsters and all kinds of stuff.

It goes without saying that I feel sort of left out sometimes.

So, I felt the need to come up with my own list of...

THINGS THAT CAN BE DONE ON FRIDAY NIGHTS
FOR LESS THAN $1.35


1. Sit in driveway and pretend to have excruciating leg cramps. If someone stops to offer help, tell them you were just joking and that you really want to sell them some cheap car insurance. (Bonus points if you can dress as a gecko while doing this, though it might cost more than $1.35 to make the costume)

2. Wander down the road/street and look confused. If someone talks to you, say you're lost because your invisible friend refuses to ask for directions.

3. Draw a smiley face on a flour tortilla and write your name beneath it. Approach strangers on the street and tell them you can draw amazingly realistic portraits of them, too, for the low low price of only $19.95.

4. Go to McDonalds and buy a box of four chicken McNuggets. Sit at one of the tables and baptize each nugget (in your choice of dipping sauce) as Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Then arrange them on the table and start reading the bible to them. After a few minutes, take a bite out of Matthew and say "Oh, stop whining. Jesus had it MUCH worse."

5. Go to the gas station. Put 25 cents worth of gas in your car, then buy a dollar's worth of chocolate. Pay for it with 120 pennies and one nickel.

6. Sit in front of a crowded parking lot. Begin singing loudly while holding a sign that says "If you give me a dollar I'll stop singing." (Bonus points if you are able to sing opera).

7. Cut words out of old newspapers and glue them onto postcards, writing bizarre letters to no one in particular. Mail them anonymously to random addresses you find in the phone book. (Hurry, before the price of stamps goes up again).

8. Explain to your cats that actually, pineapples contain neither pine NOR apples.
.

22 comments:

whall said...

Give me your paypal address so I can order #2, #4 and #7. Wait, make that two #7's.

Trukindog said...

I think your my dream date! :)

Ren said...

9. Write a blog entry about things that can be done on Friday nights for less than $1.35.

10. Comment on a blog entry about things that can be done on Friday nights for less than $1.35.

Morgiana Le Fey said...

Janna, your witticism has reached the point of pure brilliance. I bow to the master. And just think, you could have my Friday night: I'm about to go to work to wait on all those drunk squirrels and college kids who were out there having a good time, meanwhile I'm stuck having to cater to their obnoxiously drunk whims.

Chat Blanc said...

#2 is my usual Friday night! ;)

Gwenhwyfar said...

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but I went to pick up the stuff for your package and those fuckers were out of the kind I wanted. Hopefully I will be mailing it all out soon tho.

Gwenhwyfar said...

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but I went to pick up the stuff for your package and those fuckers were out of the kind I wanted. Hopefully I will be mailing it all out soon tho.

Gwenhwyfar said...

Shit... stupid double post. Fuck.

Giggle Pixie said...

I bet if you do #8 enough times you can even get people to buy you a meal deal. And a sundae!!!

xup said...

Is that true about pineapples? If so, I'm feeling a little anxious here.

Faiqa said...

HAHAHAHAHA.... that was the funniest post I've read in a loooong time. I'm heading out to McDonalds as we speak...

Marilyn said...

Wait! Whall is going to pay you? Maybe we can monetize our blogs with this.

Janna said...

Whall: Hey, if I really thought people would pay me for making freaky postcards, I'd be doing it for hours on end. :) I'd make it a second full-time job! What should I charge? Is it ok if yours has the word "Vagisil"?

Trukindog: So if the police carry me away in a straight-jacket, you'll pay my bail, right?

Ren: Beautiful, isn't it?

Morgian: Remember that I want to hear all your good customer stories on Tuesday!

ChatBlanc: Wow; your invisible friend must REALLY hate asking for directions.

Gwen: I'm curious as to what kind you got... Will it be hot? Sweet? Savory? Radioactive? I can hardly wait!

GigglePixie: A hot fudge sundae sounds really good right now...

Xup: Sadly, yes, it's true. I heard the truth from a reputable source.

Faiqa: Let me know what dipping sauce you used!

Marilyn: I would love it if Whall paid me for making freaky postcards that resemble ransom notes. What should I charge?

Marilyn said...

Janna: You can make them on those 3X5 cards... buy the ones without lines. If you get the paper already, that's good. If not then you can make them out of those free papers that have adds in them. Most places have one. Where I grew up they were called Penny Power.

You have less than a dollar of materials in it. Always round up to the nearest dollar and then triple the materials expense and add in shipping. $3.42 each.

Unless you want to actually spend a lot of time on each one. Then add labor. I think you are worth $30.00/hour. For fifteen minutes that's $7.50, making your handmade postcards worth $10.92 each... but you can adjust it one way or the other for what you think you're time's worth.

Marilyn said...

Note: this would be a retail price. You have to adjust downward if you get a retailer to carry your product, like The Wren's Nest... Holiday postcards for the slightly odd? I dunno.

Janna said...

Marilyn: Fascinating! I'd like to use 4x6 cards instead of 3x5; those seem to be closer to a standard postcard size. I can't remember what postcard stamps cost these days, but I think it's cheaper than what it costs to send a letter.
That raises a question: Would I be sending the postcard in the mail, addressed to them, or would it be a blank postcard enclosed in an envelope so they could send to someone ELSE...? I guess I could let them choose, huh...?
I'd really love to try these. It would be SO much fun. :)
Sadly, I doubt anyone would pay ten bucks for one. Maybe if they really loved me and were stalking me and had a little shrine devoted to me in their woodshed.... :)
I can only hope.

musing said...

A dollar's worth of chocolate for every 25 cents worth of gas makes complete sense to me. I am so on that one.

Also, I'd like to quote you on my blog. Would you email me about it?

Marilyn said...

I think $5.00 would be a good price and you'd still make a reasonable profit. I'd buy one when we are flush... I think I'd like to have one made by you that I could send my brother to freak him out. While they might be worth $10.52, the market might not bear it.

Trukindog said...

Bail hell, I''ll never let em take ya alive darlin...er um I mean I'll never let em take ya darlin.

Janna said...

Musing: I don't have your address, so I just left a comment on your site...

Marilyn: I almost feel like I should be making packs of three, instead of selling one at a time. $5.00 still seems like an awful lot. I'll have to give this some thought. I'm definitely interested in giving it a try, though.

Trukindog: Hey! The least you could do is step in front of me when the bullets fly.

Abigail Road said...

I think I'm going to have to try 6, 7, and 8!

Thanks! :)

Janna said...

Abigail: Excellent! Feel free to share any cash you make from #6.