Friday, October 17, 2008

Plus fiber! And iron! And granola!

Once in awhile, I get in a mood where I want to take vitamins. I'll buy a bottle of one-a-days, and imagine that I'm doing something incredible which will heal all my wounds and make me so mind-bogglingly healthy I won't die until I'm 217.
I always end up being disappointed, though, because after the whole bottle is gone, and I've been taking them every day for who-knows-how-long, I never feel any different. No better, no worse. No miraculous healings, no fairy godmother that has offered to triple my life span, not even a mysterious talking rash shaped like the Surgeon General.

Anyway, I'm hoping that we can somehow invent super versions of vitamins that really will do amazing things, plus a few things we can now only dream of. Just imagine:

The Incredi-Vita Pill,
coming to a drugstore near you in 2014:


Vitamin A will enable you to talk your way out of a speeding ticket.
Vitamin B will keep you from farting in libraries.
Vitamin C will increase your blog's comments by 50%.
Vitamin D will insure that you are next in line at the DMV.
Vitamin E will keep you from being romantically attracted to scarecrows, unless of course you're interested in that sort of thing.
Vitamin F will enable you to watch constant political ads during election season without going crazy.
Vitamin G will make your armpits smell like strawberries.
Vitamin H, unfortunately, will make your breath smell like your armpits used to. So we probably won't include Vitamin H in the package. But all the other ones sound like a pretty cool idea.
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10 comments:

Faiqa said...

I read somewhere that it takes 30-60 days to feel the effects of vitamins. Now, "somewhere" could be the bathroom at a rest stop on I95...

Evil Genius said...

I'm thinking Vitamin E will be really popular here in northernbumfreakingIndiana. And I'd love them to have the option for extra vitamins B and G...for my husband, of course.

Da Old Man said...

Can you work on getting the vitamin for political ads out sooner? Im three ads away from having my head explode. I'm afraid to turn on the TV.

Janna said...

Faiqa: 60 days??? Really? Wow. I have no patience for anything that takes that long.

EvilGenius: You can have the extra Vitamin B's that I won't be using. I kinda enjoy farting in libraries.

DaOldMan: It's the same on the radio, the Internet, the newspapers, and signs in people's yards. Hang in there for another three weeks and it will all be over. Unless there's that godawful re-count thing we had a few years ago, in which case it may never end until we all die.

Marilyn said...

Meanwhile, I take children's vitamins because I don't have to worry if they dissolve, they taste better, and they are shaped like dinosaurs... they don't have iron in them but I cook on cast iron so I probably get some iron anyway. As soon as yours come out, I'll give them a try though.

Janna said...

Marilyn: I rarely cook anything these days. Wait... do ramen noodles count?

mrsmouthy said...

My husband, Kevin, keeps saying he wants to give me a shot of Vitamin K. He says he makes it himself.

Janna said...

MrsMouthy: Where exactly does he want to inject it?

Travis said...

Why is it that when you do things that are supposed to be healthy, you don't really notice the benefits so much, but when you do unhealthy stuff you feel lousy right away?

Janna said...

Travis: Good question!