Monday, July 7, 2008

The unique taste of disillusionment and groin sweat

MM-bluetextI remember, growing up in the 70's, I saw
ads for "Fruit Stripe" gum. It looked yummy, but every time I actually tried it, I was always disappointed. I wanted delicious intense genuine fruitiness and fresh flavors.
Instead it tasted like artificial flavor drenched in sugar.
Which, of course, is exactly what it was.

And don't even get me started on the revolting abomination known as "Juicy Fruit" gum. It's neither juicy nor fruity. It tastes nothing like any fruit I have ever eaten. It not orange, or lemon, or raspberry, or any other recognizable flavor. It's just "sweet" in a yellow package. The fact that they refer to it as "fruit flavor" fills my soul with a dark nameless bitterness, much like a dog that has been poked too many times.

Luckily, I rarely chew gum these days.

Here are ten chewing gum flavors that might, hypothetically, be worse than either of the aforementioned brands:

1) Motor oil
2) Beach sand
3) Preparation H
4) Fertilizer
5) Dick Cheney's left kidney
6) Limburger cheese
7) Skunk
8) Groin sweat
9) The agony of defeat
10) Sushi
.
.
Come see me over at my other blogs today:
Jantics: Fearing the asphalt stripes of death
Jantrails: Admitting my ignorance of all things beer-related
.

15 comments:

Greyscale Territory said...

I used to like Juicy Fruit, until I found I needed 2 at a time to get a decent hit of flavour! Then 2grew to 3! I was becoming addicted! It was then, after several months, I stopped and have never chewed it again.

I agree! There is no fruity taste at all! It's just unadulterated sugar!

Sherry said...

Too funny! You're absolutely right about Fruit Stripe gum. It was hideous. The taste of it came right back at me when I read your post. (spit, spit). Juicy Fruit was .... okay ... but you're right. It wasn't a recognizable fruit.

Happy Monday!

Steven said...

Ewww

Michael C said...

Wow, I haven't thought about fruit stripe in a long time. And you are right: there wasn't too much that was special about it.

Evil Genius said...

OMG, I can't believe you're old enough to even know what Juicy Fruit gum tasted like! I'm the weird one here, I actually liked it. But not Juicy Fruit, which indeed had absolutely nothing in common with any fruit I know of; with the possibility of being yellow like a lemon.

:-)

Travis said...

Juicy Fruit used to be my favorite gum. Then came that fateful day when the sugar aftertaste got to be too much.

I switched to Big Red at that point.

But now I don't chew gum anymore.

Janna said...

Greyscale: Unadulterated sugar is a good way to describe it!

Sherry: Wow! I made somebody spit!

Steve: Sweet dreams. :)

MichaelC: Exactly!

EvilGenius: The world is apparently FULL of yellow things that taste nothing like lemons. Bananas and urine, for example.

Travis: It's ok. You can chew cake instead. :)

keyguy13 said...

What in the hell are you people talking about?!?!

I loved juicy fruit gum! It wasn't *A* fruit taste, it was ALL fruits mixed in to one delicious stick of gum! Oh the rapture of that first burst of flavor as I bit into it for that first chew!

You're all nuts! I can't even chew it any more because it is full of sugar and I am a diabetic. What I wouldn't give to be a juicy fruit addict again...*shudder*

Janna said...

Keyguy: If you want, we can fight to the death when I see you at band tonight.

Broadway Matron said...

Okay Fruit Stripe gum was nasty - like chewing wax or something but do not pick on the beloved Juicy Fruit. I'm not big on gum chewing - it gives me a headache but if they ever come out with a sugar-free version of Juicy fruit, I AM THERE.

Janna said...

BroadwayMatron: Really? Actually I thought they DID make a sugar free version... don't they?

whall said...

You have more than one blog?!?! That's like finding out Fruit Stripe had more than one flavor! I loved them all so much, and now your trip down mandible lane has me jonesing for some right now.

Janna said...

Whall: I have three blogs, but the Jannaverse is the one where I post most often. The others get posts maybe once or twice a week.

Broadway Matron said...

If they do have a sugar-free version I have never seen it. I just googled it and came up with nada - if anyone knows where to get sugar-free Juicy Fruit - let me know!

Janna said...

BroadwayMatron: Wow. I coulda swore they made it. Well, look on the bright side. All you have to do is invent it yourself, sell them the recipe, and you can retire rich!