Please help yourself to all my treasured possessions

"Ok, guys," said burglar #1, "Janna's going to be house-sitting for a couple days. Let's steal all we can while she's gone. What did you find?"

"I found lots of bran cereal."

"Here's a hairball the cat threw up."

"A broken VCR?"

"This milk expired six days ago."

"Sigh. Never mind. Let's go rob someone else."
.................................................................................

Yes, it's true. I'll be house-sitting for Mom & Dad while they go on vacation. They won't be back til Sunday. But don't worry; I'll still make a few trips back & forth to my house to make sure everything is still bolted down. (Well, maybe not the cats...)
I'll do my best to check e-mail and blog comments. I also hope to post at least a few things on Tumblr while I'm gone.
Speaking of my Tumblr blog-- here; check out this post where I swear Michael Stipe looks exactly like Zoot from the Muppets.
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Because when you get old, you start caring about this sort of thing

Today I tried two new kinds of extremely high-fiber cereal.

Thank you in advance for being concerned about my regularity and my sanity. The jury's still out on both.

1. First, I tried "F-Factor" brand "High Fiber Skinnys". Half a cup has just 70 calories and a whopping 18 grams of fiber. That's probably enough fiber to power the space shuttle for at least a mile.

It looks quite similar to Kellogg's All-Bran, which is to say it looks like a bird's nest accidentally fell into a blender. It tastes similar too-- maybe a little closer to the "bird's nest" end of the spectrum.

I didn't hate it, though I did notice that you have to hurry up and eat it quickly because it gets soggy fast. When it's soggy, it has the texture of hummus with the taste of waterlogged sawdust. You find yourself longing for the "good old days" about 30 seconds ago when it tasted like dry sawdust instead.
But hey, 18 grams of fiber. Your colon will never know what hit it.

2. I also tried "Fiber One 80-Calorie Honey Squares." Per 3/4 cup, these have 80 calories and 10 grams of fiber. They actually taste pretty good. They're tiny squares about the size of M&M's. (Yes, I realize M&M's are round. Work with me here.) These are much sweeter than any other high-fiber cereal I've tried. I actually spent a moment munching them straight out of the box like popcorn.
Highly recommended. They almost remind me of Cap'n Crunch.


By the way, no, I didn't mix the two cereals together. I recoil in horror at the very thought of combining cereals, unlike some other bloggers I could mention. :)

P.S. Additional note regarding the "F-Factor" cereal: Technically the "F" stands for "Fiber", but if fiber gives you gas, the "F" may end up standing for something else.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Things I discovered over the weekend

1. Walking aimlessly around the cemetery is good exercise, plus it lets you see strange creepy forms of moss that you didn't previously know existed.

2. New socks are wonderfully comfortable, and they help your feet to forget about some of the injustices in the world.

3. Tumblr is a strange place. I created an account there so I could post all I wanted about R.E.M. (And therefore bore you slightly less often with my obsession.) Tumblr is nothing like Blogger or Wordpress or any other blogging system I've seen. You don't leave comments on people's stuff there; you actually re-blog what they did, and it shows up on your own Tumblr page. That would be the equivalent of me deciding I liked your blog post, and copying and pasting the whole thing word for word here on The Jannaverse. It would probably tick you off, yet somehow on Tumblr it's considered a compliment. There's no way to leave text comments on anyone's posts. You either re-blog it, or you click on the "like" button. Weird.
The irony is that I've had that account for only a couple days, yet I already get more "comments" (re-blogs and likes) per post than I usually get here at the Jannaverse.
I guess there are a lot of R.E.M. fans and Mike Mills fans on Tumblr.
It's a strange and different place... and yet, I'm growing increasingly fond of it. It makes it really easy to quickly share things like videos and multiple picture sets. I like how it automatically arranges the pictures in a neat style.
Anyway, if any of you care about my R.E.M. obsession enough to want to see multiple pictures and videos of Mike Mills, or if you're interested in seeing a blog where I have not (yet) mentioned farts, here's my new Tumblr blog called "Jangst". (because "angst" is so much better when it's spelled with a "J".)

4. Dead mice start to stink after awhile.

5. When you're trying to sleep in, your cat will make as much noise as possible through a variety of creative methods, including but not limited to earth-shattering meows, crinkling plastic bags, walking over papers, and fighting with the only other cat in the house.
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Note to self: Be more numb and less fast

Last Thursday I was driving into town, not quite realizing how fast I was going.
My mind was on other things.

I was listening to R.E.M.'s "Bittersweet Me", and was just about to switch over to "So Fast, So Numb".
To my surprise, I heard a siren behind me and saw flashing lights.
I pulled over and this little young-looking cop asked for my license, registration, blah blah blah. He was nice enough about it, I guess.
He explained to me exactly how fast I was going.
Ahem.

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BRIEF CONVERSATION WITH SELF:

Self #1: So, um, should I tell the readers how fast I was going, and what the speed limit actually was?
Self #2: Nah. They already think you're nuts. Plus you've already bored Monkey Man to death again just by mentioning R.E.M.
Self #1: That reminds me, do you think I could fake my own death easier if I used glass ketchup bottles instead of plastic ones?
Self #2: What?
Self #1: What?
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So, after what seemed like forever, the nice little young-looking cop brought back my license/registration/insurance. He explained, to my great surprise and relief, that "this time" he would let me off with a warning.
Thank goodness!
I've had enough emotional upheaval for one week.
I think it's time I spent a few days hibernating under the covers with a pint of good ice cream and a CD of Automatic For The People.

Self #2: You just did it again.
Self #3: Oh. Sorry, Monkey Man.
Self #2: Hey, where's Self #1?
Self #3: I dunno.... hey, do you smell ketchup?
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R.I.P to R.E.M.

I'll miss the music," admitted Peter.

"I'll miss doing the videos," added Michael.

They both looked over at Mike. "What about you?"

Mike sighed. "I guess I'll miss that weird chick in Michigan who daydreamed about swimming in my favorite beer while singing all my harmony parts."

"Oh, you mean Janna?"

"Shhhh. She'll hear you."

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In case you didn't figure it out, today's 55 was a tribute to R.E.M, who decided to break up last Wednesday after 31 years. You know from my previous post that I'm heartbroken about that. I loved their music, and I loved them. Especially Mike Mills. I loved his musical proficiency and creativity, his mild-tempered easygoing nature, his adorable nerdiness, his wonderful voice, and the great kindness which seemed to be ever-present in his eyes.

R.I.P. to my favorite band, R.E.M.
You meant more to me than I can currently articulate when the wounds are still so fresh and raw.
It's nice to be in a community of R.E.M. fans over at Murmurs, people who are also grieving right along with me.
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The Day The Music Died

Let's all observe a moment of silence as we reflect on the awful news that R.E.M. has decided to retire.
I'll go ahead and sob uncontrollably while you read about it here and here and especially here.

I'm probably the 89,347th person to make this remark today, but "It's The End Of The World As I Know It."
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Wordless Wednesday

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Sometimes you feel like a (soy) nut...

Time for my next attempt at trying something new.

Today I tried chocolate covered soy nuts.

You can make a lot of different things from soybeans, and I was optimistically hoping that a tasty snack was one of them.

I was hoping that it would be crunchy-nutty-tasty (like cashews) and not icky-mushy-soft (like tofu).

I was pleasantly surprised.
They're delicious.

Really addictive, in fact.

The crunch level is somewhere between a peanut and a sunflower seed.
I'm still nibbling on them even as I'm typing this... I keep having to stop typing so I can pop a few more into my mouth.
(*crunch munch crunch*)

Really good.
I (*munch crunch*) heartily approve.

(*crunch*)
(*munch...*)
Awww.... man. I just ate the last one.
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And yet, I'm still single...

Things I did over the weekend:

1. Ate Doritos and listened to R.E.M. in the cemetery, parked next to someone who was born during the Civil War.

2. Drank Coke Zero and tried to see how much of the Russian alphabet I could recite in a single belch. (I made it all the way up to "M".)

3. Caught three mice in one of those "glue trap" things. I'm optimistically hoping my home is now mouse-free, and also hoping Mickey won't haunt my dreams with cartoon-like nightmares about drowning in glue.

4. Sat around in my underwear and watched this video a lot.
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Pass the Sharpie...

Sentences I have not (yet) written on myself in permanent marker:

1. Even bran cereal is still better than being tailgated.

2. I've never seen your closet.

3. Please pass the deep fried Twinkies.

4. Purple is my friend.

5. Crocodiles are probably good with garlic sauce.

6. I'm sorry it's all your fault.

7. Hug me.

8. Can I cut your hair?
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When evil lurks in the heart of a brownie, none of us are safe

For my first official "Try New Stuff" day, I figured I'd take it easy on myself and eat something involving chocolate.

Or at least something which was supposed to contain chocolate.

I tried "Fiber One 90-Calorie Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownies."
Ugh.
Strange.

A good brownie should be dense, chewy, and fudgy.

These are soft, spongy, and peculiar, like a sofa cushion.

They tasted like neither chocolate nor peanut butter.
In fact, the flavor reminded me of... coffee.

(Probably because the #2 ingredient is chicory extract).

They might be ok if you spread some Nutella on them.
By themselves, they are simply bizarre.

Final verdict: They would make great seat cushions for a rat.
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Just so I don't stagnate in my old age....

We all need to try new things once in awhile.

Things I've never tried:
1. Skydiving
2. Swimming with sharks
3. Getting bitten by a cobra
4. Leaping the Grand Canyon on a tricycle

Well, rest assured I have no intention of trying any of that.

I had something else in mind.

Every now and then I'm going to try eating some new stuff I've never had before, and I'll blog about whether I liked it, or whether it would have been better to lick algae off a cave wall covered in bat dung.

Rest assured that none of these will be paid posts or ads. I promise. I don't make any money off the Jannaverse, and the manufacturers have no clue I exist. (It's just as well; I don't want them coming after me with flaming torches and wolves).

I won't do this every day; just a couple times a week for awhile.
I've already bought some new stuff to try.

Some of it's nutritious healthful stuff, whereas some... isn't.

Some looks promising; some... doesn't.

Stay tuned.

Wordless Wednesday

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Pass me the bacon and no one will get hurt.

It's finally over!
I refer, of course, to my week of vegetarianism.

I posted about it every day on Jantrails, where the vast majority of humanity has no clue I exist.
I swear, I could rob a bank over there, and no one would even notice.

For anyone who might conceivably care, here is how the week went.

Monday: The day when I explained why you're probably not wearing pants

Tuesday: The day when I fantasized about swimming in bacon

Wednesday: The day when I ate one of the worst soups ever invented

Thursday: A quiet day when I admitted that I hate monkeys

Friday: Sorry about the drooling and slobbering.

Saturday: Sorry about all your broken bones. I'm still trying to figure out a way to write about the camel urine.

Sunday: A truly bizarre day when I ate absolutely nothing EXCEPT fruits and vegetables. Not even any bread or dairy. Come to think of it, this actually qualified as vegan. And we all know how crazy I turned out after trying a week of THAT.
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Just think, when I wake up on Monday, I'll be able to dance in carnivorous glee once again.
I'm thinking of inventing a new dance called "The Electric Pepperoni".
It involves a pizza and an oven and a lot of chewing.
Not much dancing, actually, now that I think about it.
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My thoughts are shaped like broccoli

"I dunno what to say Friday," Janna sighed. "I've gotta write 55 words . My mind is empty. I think this vegetarian week's fried my brain."

"Here," Mike suggested, "Eat this celery."

"Will that help?"

"Probably not, but it'll distract you while I eat this juicy steak."

(And that's when he got hit by the melon.)
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Reasons I'm not having dinner with Johnny Depp tonight

1. I have nothing to wear

2. He always flirts with the waitress when I'm trying to tell a story

3. He hasn't yet been informed that I exist

4. I'd rather have dinner with Mike Mills instead

5. After the last time, I can't look at Caesar salad the same way ever again.
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Wordless Wednesday

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I can see them slipping already

If you've just realized that you're not wearing pants, this might be the reason.
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Math Problem For Today

One thing at a time, one thing at a time

"I think I'll call our new band the 'Purple Horse Boogers'," opined Sam.

Artie cringed. "What kind of name is that?"

"What? Should the boogers be orange instead? Wait; how about this: 'The Antique Sparrow Hernias'? Or 'Martha's Favorite Toenail'?

"What kind of music do you play?"

"Well, we haven't gotten that far yet."
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Things I haven't seen in a bathroom yet

1. A talk show host interviewing me about my experience

2. Bacon-scented hand soap

3. An electric fence

4. Marble sculpture of Oscar The Grouch

5. A good reason why the last person didn't flush
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