I got my new glasses on Thursday.
The (*cough*) bifocals (*cough*).
So now I can see my world much better.
I can even read that tiny print on the side of the Excedrin bottle.
It says "Only you can prevent forest fires."
Oooops. What have I been TAKING all these years?!
.
Hey, maybe it's just me being narrow-minded and unable to deal with the wondrous complexities of the world around me.
You decide.
1. Ox Penis
2. Tacos De Sesos (tacos made with beef brains)
3. Casu Marzu (The cheese with maggots included on purpose!)
4. Nankotsu (chicken cartilage, deep fried)
5. Mopani Caterpillars
6. Balut eggs (Yes, the ones with a partially formed baby bird inside)
7. Live Goldfish
8. Basahi/Sakuraniku (cold raw horse meat)
9. Durian
10. Shirako (fish sperm)
11. Criadillas (bull/pig testicles) (Seriously, you've GOTTA click on that, just to see the picture...)
12. Witchetty Grubs
13. Shiokara (rotten squid brains with tentacle bits, fermented for a year)
.
Disclaimer: If any of these are a beloved part of your culinary heritage, or your very favorite snack to enjoy whilst blogging, rest assured I mean no offense. Yay for diversity. You can also rest assured I won't ask you to share. :)
Carry on.
.
While at the store, I found some new kind of Doritos called "flavor shots."
They come in smaller lunch-size bags, just right for a snack.
I saw "Atomic Chile Limon" flavor and "Blazin' Buffalo Rush" flavor.
I figured "why not," and decided to give them a try.
So when I got home, I opened up the "Atomic Chile Limon" ones and tried one.
"Weird," I thought, "It doesn't taste any different than the regular Nacho Cheese flavor."
I tried another.
Same thing.
It was then that I noticed a plastic envelope nestled in among the chips.
"Oooh," I thought, "Did I get a prize?"
I picked it out and read what it said.
Finally, it dawned on me.
I noticed the big letters on the front of the bag which said "flavor packet inside," with a picture of seasoning being poured out onto the chips.
The packet contained the "Atomic Chile Limon" flavoring powder that you were supposed to sprinkle on top of the chips in the bag, which were (of course) the regular Nacho Cheese flavor.
D'oh.
Embarrassed at my apparent inability to read directions for something as simple as consuming Doritos, I opened the packet and dumped the orange-colored seasoning into the bag of already-orange chips.
Can you imagine what lemon-lime tastes like?
Can you imagine what cheesy nachos taste like?
If the idea of mixing those two flavors actually sounds good to you, you'd love these.
Imagine spilling lemon-lime kool-aid on a plate of nachos and deciding to eat them anyway because you're so hungry you just don't care anymore.
Actually.... now that I think about it, the "lime" part tastes eerily reminiscent of the Mountain Dew flavored "Dorito Quest" chips I blogged about last year. Those had just lime flavor, no nacho cheese.
These, however, are a bit different.
The "Blazin' Buffalo Rush" ones were slightly better, but still not worth repeating.
Just my two cents.
Er, I mean, my $1.29.
.
1. There are videos which explain why you shouldn't pee in the Amazon. You'll be sorry. Luckily I did not have to learn this the hard way. It gives me yet another reason to never leave home.
(Note: This applies only to the Amazon river, not the headquarters of Amazon dot com. Apparently you can pee there all you want.)
2. Crocodile fillets cost more per pound than alligator sirloin, and llama steaks are thirty bucks a pound. Yak patties are a comparative bargain at only eleven bucks a pound. I suspect they all probably taste so horribly gamey that you would need to eat four large pizzas just to get the taste out of your mouth.
3. If you're going to Taco Bell and ask for an item to be without lettuce, they think you're speaking in a secret code which means "just kidding; put tons of lettuce on everything." If Taco Bell ran hospitals, you would have to keep saying "No, really, I AM allergic to penicillin. I'm not kidding. Please, no penicillin. Hey, why are you giving me penicillin? I specifically ordered these burritos withOUT penicillin..."
4. If you're going to pass gas in the dairy section of the supermarket, make sure there's nobody approaching in a hurry to pick up a gallon of milk.
.
.
Thursday was my optometrist appointment, where I learned that I do indeed need bifocals.
It's ok. I was expecting this, so there's no psychological mid-life trauma to work through.
(At least not about this, anyway.)
In fact, I've been telling people that I'm strangely excited about the whole thing.
Not because I get a kick out of having poor vision, but because now I'll actually be able to read without awkwardly holding stuff further and further away from me.
Just imagine all the things I'll be able to see better now!
1. Junk mail!
2. The ingredients in orange marmalade!
3. The fine print on a bottle of Excedrin!
4. Expiration dates on coupons!
5. Magazine articles with recipes I would never ever make!
6. Expiration dates on gallons of milk! (!!!)
7. The obituaries (Just to make sure I'm not in there!)
I got to try both kinds of bifocal lenses: the ones with the line going through them, and the ones where the lenses gradually transition into each other without a visible line.
I liked the latter.
So the glasses have been ordered and paid for, and they'll be ready in about a week.
How exciting!
Almost exciting enough to make up for the flat tire I had while returning from the optometrist's office.
(!!!)
.
1. Being a viking
2. Eating the last piece of haggis
3. Smelling like bananas and motor oil
4. Robbing a bank and a McDonald's on the same day
5. Craving Jello (or Carving Jello)
6. Duct taping the car of someone who stole the parking spot I wanted
7. Communicating with reptiles
8. Memorizing the ingredients in A-1 steak sauce and rearranging them in alphabetical order
9. Carving algebraic equations into telephone poles in the middle of the night
10. Driving to Hawaii
11. Hating pepperoni
12. Climbing onto someone's roof at night and trying to influence their dreams by tapping in Morse Code
13. Knowing how to speak Klingon
.
I get nostalgic for the strangest things sometimes.
Sometimes I miss the days when McDonalds served its sandwiches in styrofoam containers.
Sometimes I miss being in college, when I had significantly less to worry about.
It goes without saying that I miss the days when gas prices were under a dollar per gallon.
I miss the old Saturday morning cartoons, with Schoolhouse Rock included.
Remember those?
There was Conjunction Junction and Interplanet Janet and The Shot Heard Round The World... and of course there was Reginald with his Interjections. Even sad-sounding ones like the Figure Eight.
What about you?
What kinds of things do you miss?
Tell me all about it. I'm in a contemplative mood today.
P.S. Lolly, lolly, lolly, get your adverbs here!
.
What I wished on Friday: (and every other day too)
That I could hug my cats without having cat hair stuck to my face afterward.
("No, really, officer, I'm not the Ayatollah Khamenei; the beard is made of cat hair! See?")
What I did Saturday afternoon:
Finished reading a book, wondered why my wrist hurt, and discovered the childlike joy of eating warm chocolate chip cookies and ice cream.
What I had for dinner on Sunday:
A cheap frozen dinner consisting of broccoli-chicken-rice casserole, heated in the oven. Not as bad as I feared, yet still not as good as the picture on the box seemed to promise.
What will probably be the highlight of the upcoming week:
My optometrist appointment at noon on July 23rd, when I fully expect to be diagnosed as needing bifocals. The odd thing is that I'm almost looking forward to this with a macabre sort of relish.
One way in which things could be worse:
I could be in orbit, miles above the earth, suddenly realizing that the toilet is broken.
.
The weather is pleasantly cool and breezy today, and I'm grateful. I even like the colorless drab grey sky and the absence of sunshine. I've never been much of a sunshine-loving person anyway.
Perfect weather to sleep late, under a cozy blanket, with a warm cat next to you.
Which is exactly what I did.
Today I need to buy light bulbs, cat food, a few gallons of water, and maybe some dignity and inner peace. Do they have that at the dollar store, or am I going to have to go to a hardware store or something?
I hope it's not at the mall. Not only will it be hideously overpriced, but my back hurts too much today to walk around the ghastly mouse-maze of malldom.
Note to self: Shower before you leave home; people may not want to sell inner peace to someone who stinks like the unwashed masses.
.
.
1. "Is that aluminum foil in your bra?"
2. "I wish they made enchilada-scented hand sanitizer."
3. "There's a tarantula on your leg."
4. "You look so intelligent when your sinuses are congested."
5. "Please don't tease the watermelon."
6. "I wish your blog was all about politics."
7. "That wedge of pizza you just ate was shaped just like South Carolina."
8. "Wow, you really DO have some Grey Poupon!"
9. "Please stop drawing cartoons of yourself in the parking lot at midnight."
10. "Have you ever tried deep-fried goldfish on toothpicks?"
11. "We should start serving Rocky Mountain Oysters in school cafeterias."
12. "I'll pay you ten thousand dollars to dye your hair blue."
13. "I'm wearing three socks right now."
.
1. Ordinarily, Orangutans Play Solitaire
2. Omniscient Olive Pits? Someday!
3. Ornithologists Ogle Parrots Soon
4. Olga Obstinately Poked Susan
5. Opera = Overly Picky Singing
6. Ow! Ow! Please Stop!
7. One Otter Preferred Spaghetti
8. Oboes Oppose Perfect Silence
9. Ontario Only Pretends Sometimes
10. Old Obsolete Pretzels? Stale!
.
The Manic Monday theme is "Fountain".
It just so happens that I already did a "fountain" themed post on Friday, so you can always click back and re-read that instead. I'll never know. I never know anything these days.
Today, though, I'll just show you pictures of other fountains which struck me as odd.
First, there's one in Chicago which is a sculpture devoted to dog poop.*
I learned about it from this post over at Oddity Central, which has plenty more pictures of it, plus a story of how it came to be.
Chocolate fountains will never look quite the same now.
Then, there's this site which has a whole page full of 12 bizarre fountains.
There's (among others) a lactating mermaid, a kid peeing on a frog, and a guy throwing up in London.
Feel free to explain the one about the naked kid riding the swan and choking him at the same time.
*So much for having a post without any waste products this time.
Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow.
.
1. Heat and humidity are even more evil than Elmo and Barney, and that's really saying something.
2. I finally made an appointment to get my eyes checked for the first time in many years. It'll be on July 23rd at noon. I am going to need bifocals. Somehow I know this means I am officially old, yet I seem to be accepting it with equanimity. Or senility. Maybe both.
3. I have a new relationship with my bladder, now that I'm trying to drink lots of water. I try to drink at least two liters per day, sometimes more. (My bladder isn't speaking to me. And when it tries, it just gurgles. Especially when it mysteriously pees out more than I actually drank.)
4. A few days ago I was at the store, in line ahead of some guy who smelled like he'd had an unfortunate accident, if you know what I mean. I've been in gas station bathrooms that smelled better. (Made it kind of hard to eat the chocolate ice cream I'd just bought.)
Speaking of which, feel free to enjoy a song about skid marks.
Hopefully my next post will not involve waste products of any kind.
.
BROPP: The sound I made after drinking too much Pepsi all at once.
ASHGERE: What's left over after Richard Gere gets cremated.
TISERGU: An anagram of GUSTIER. Must be it was so windy the letters got blown around.
UNDILI: Something Speedy Gonzales shouted a lot.
WACKSHON: From the Karate Kid...."Wackshon, Wackshoff..."
SNESIAN: A Polynesian with allergies.
BEARILY: I was running for my life with a grizzly on my tail, and I bearily made it.
PIEDN: I drank four cups of water, and then piedn the fountain when no one was looking.
ETTERS: Letters which have the first page missing.
MOOLAC: A milk product specially designed for lactose intolerant people.
ANCID: The word "rancid", which has rotted so much that the "R" has fallen off. (Beware of ancid Moolac.)
ANTEN: There's an anten my pants, which is why I'm walking so funny. (It probably got in there while I piedn the fountain.)
PYRIUM: New! Centrum One-A-Day, now with pyrium! It's either pyramid-shaped, or it helps treat pyromaniacs. We're not sure. Buy it anyway!
.
I am happy to report that I survived the weekend.
In case any of you are curious, here are some various bits of Janna-trivia:
1. What I had for dinner on Saturday: A huge plate of nachos which was very filling, and which later caused my intestines to do an impression of Chewbacca.* ("grrwRRrowwwAArullGH!")
2. Weirdest thing I saw today: A lady riding on horseback while texting at the same time. (Really!)
3. What I realized (again) over the weekend: Just how much I am NOT comfortable in large cities. Give me the country (or an exceedingly small village) any day. Even if it means I have to be the village idiot.
*P.S. If there's ever going to be a new Star Wars sequel, my intestines may have to audition for the part.
.
Hey, there.
I'll be gone for the weekend, and will be back on Monday.
No doubt the rest of you are all busy with your backyard grilling and fireworks and odd relatives and family traditions like lizard racing and underwater disco*.
Have a nice time.
Don't eat any mayo-based salads that have been out in the sun for hours.
Especially if you can hear them plotting your demise.
.
.
*P.S. The hardest part about underwater disco is keeping the big mirrored ball from floating away.
.
At least not yet.
No, for now there are these other people, who seem to have a far greater claim on the title:
1. This guy, or this guy, who can stick a live snake up his nose and pull it out of his mouth.
2. Or any of these guys, who thought "Hey, I wonder if I could put a condom up my nose and pull it out my mouth..."
3. Or the person who created this... which still looks bizarre no matter how many times I watch it. (The good news is that it doesn't involve anything going up anyone's nose.)
Seriously, compared to all this, I am so utterly normal that you would WANT me to be the one sleeping on your sofa at three in the morning.
Please leave the door unlocked.
.
