The Jannaverse

Or even worse, an extra bladder

2012-01-26T22:53:00.001-05:00

Ways Things Could Be Worse:

- I could owe the mafia ten million dollars

- I could enter a warp zone in the space-time continuum and spontaneously find myself in the 1800's, when there was no Internet. (Just horse crap).

- I could be running for President.

- I could have an extra liver growing out of my forehead
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Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-25T00:03:00.002-05:00

I think I hate onions the most

2012-01-23T22:38:00.005-05:00

Seven things I hate more than cleaning the toilet:

1. Having to get up to pee in the middle of the night when it's cold

2. Brussels sprouts

3. Listening to people who get really, really excited about politics

4. Cleaning the litter box

5. Migraines

6. Onions (explained in excruciating detail here)

7. Any reality TV show, especially ones involving the following:
..... a) hidden cameras
..... b) people who sing badly
..... c) people backstabbing one another
..... d) people about to get a huge amount of money for doing something I probably could have done myself

Not for the faint of heart (or tongue)

2012-01-22T21:12:00.006-05:00

Anyone who's read the Jannaverse for any length of time knows I love hot and spicy things.
I pride myself on being able to tolerate (and enjoy) just about anything.
I cast withering aspersions on wimps who can't handle anything hotter than Tabasco sauce.

I'm able to eat habanero peppers raw.
They hurt, but they're good.

So, naturally, I became intrigued when I saw ghost chili peppers available in a catalog.
(I got mine from a snail-mail catalog, but I see the company also has a website where you can order them.... here... scroll down to where it says "ghost chile".)

They're even hotter than habaneros. (Apparently at one time they were the hottest pepper on the planet, but people have found hotter ones since then. Read about that here.)

I got a bag of them.
They are very, very, very hot.
I love them, but wow.
They are definitely hot.

Here's a video I simply had to share.
It's some guy who's supposedly never eaten any kind of hot pepper in his life, and he decides to have his first hot pepper be a ghost chili.
He eats an entire dried ghost chili (just like the ones I bought).

At first, he's all arrogant about it, like it's no big deal.
Then his arrogance melts into terror.
It hurts him so bad that someone kicks him in the crotch to try and distract him from the pain in his mouth.

Watch and weep.
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For best results, use the restaurant section

2012-01-19T21:47:00.001-05:00

"What are you reading?" He asked.

"Well," she replied, looking puzzled, "I found a recipe for alphabet soup, but it makes way too much. Plus it's wrong; it has letters and numbers."

He sighed, realizing the truth. "Honey, that's the phone book. If you want to make half as much, just use the yellow pages."
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Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-18T00:08:00.004-05:00

Top ten things I hate about winter

2012-01-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

1. Everything
2. Hypothermia
3. Icy roads
4. Almost everything
5. Shivering
6. Blinding snowstorms
7. Pretty much everything
8. Wind chill
9. Frozen door locks
10. Frozen boogers
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Oddly enough, both have hints of garlic

2012-01-12T21:02:00.003-05:00

"Here, smell my new perfume," offered Della.

"It smells like spaghetti sauce."

"I know. I'm dating an Italian chef and I'm trying to impress him."

Jean nodded, deciding not to ask. "I guess at least it smells better than last week."

"Well, that's when I was dating that cute guy who drives the garbage truck."
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Smells like forty-two

2012-01-10T19:37:00.006-05:00

I turn 42 on Wednesday.

Apparently my cats chose to celebrate this by killing a mouse and hiding the body. They love me so much that they timed it perfectly so the decomposing carcass would start stinking JUST in time.

It's the thought that counts.

Those of us who read those hilarious Douglas Adams books know that 42 is apparently the "answer" to the great question of Life, The Universe, And Everything.

I'm waiting.

(While I'm waiting, can someone pass the Febreze?)
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Please wash your hands before reading this post

2012-01-09T00:02:00.002-05:00

Thought #1:
I wonder if you could stalk blind people by leaving braille messages where they least expected...

Thought #2:
It would be really hard to blog in braille.

(Example: .. :.: :.. .::.: .:: ::.)

P.S. .:: :.. :.:. : :.. ::.: : :: .:.. .:: :.: .. ::.:: :.. .
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I wish I could have included mashed potatoes somehow

2012-01-05T21:07:00.002-05:00

Random list of things for no reason:

1. World globe with a mysterious yellow stain on Australia
2. Poison ivy
3. Half of a Three Musketeers bar
4. Postage stamp with some bald guy on it
5. Justin Bieber's spleen
6. Ennui and dismay
7. Whatever's under your right big toenail
8. The 1967 "Surrealistic Pillow" album by Jefferson Airplane
9. Twelve pigeon droppings
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Various Thoughts

2012-01-05T01:24:00.002-05:00

1. I am so tired I could leap into the ocean wearing a suit made of lettuce. (It's ok; sharks hate lettuce.)

2. I still need to finish answering blog comments. Sorry I've taken so long. Please don't leave me for some other blogger who's 20 years younger and blond.

3. I will be 42 next Wednesday. That sound you hear is me shrieking in horror.

4. Are you wearing socks right now? Just curious.
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Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-04T00:02:00.000-05:00

Hopefully the hovercars will run on pure cynicism alone

2012-01-02T23:47:00.002-05:00

Now that we've all arrived safely into 2012, I'm hoping this is the year we finally get our hovercars and jet-packs. And our personal transporter beams.

And something which will give me enough energy to actually get up and clean the litter box.

I'm exhausted.

Hey, y'know, if you were expecting a longer post, you could always go back and comment on this. Or maybe this.

Have a lovely year.
Don't beam over to my house without calling first.
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Have a nice evening....

2011-12-31T21:00:00.002-05:00

It would be so cool to just tip one of these up and drink straight from the bottle.
Er, I mean, the weird glass thingy.

How on earth would you wash one of these out?
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Sadly, I can neither juggle nor yodel

2011-12-29T21:01:00.001-05:00

Things no one has ever mentioned here in a blog comment:

1. Craving liverwurst

2. Waiting in line three hours for broccoli

3. Moving to Arizona to pursue a lifelong dream of impersonating a cactus

4. Drinking spaghetti sauce straight from the jar

5. Being attracted to people who can juggle and yodel at the same time

6. Sniffing a yak
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-28T00:06:00.002-05:00

Additions to the Jannapedia

2011-12-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

TIGGHT: Something that used to be tight but has gotten stretched out a bit.

LADES: 1. Ladies who can't spell. 2. What happens to the Everglades when half of it is demolished by greedy land developers.

DENWI: First wi capture all da whales, denwi sell dem back to Greenpeace.

CONSURC: Trying to stifle a burp and a hiccup while saying the word "concert".

OXIMP: A cross between an ox and a chimp.

RETSUGH: The sound you make when you decide Retsyn doesn't taste very good.

DISTERN: A cistern that's really far away.

SPOXYM: A prescription medication for people who are afraid of Spock.

ANTER: 1. An anteater with no appetite. 2. Antler which isn't big enough to contain the letter "L" yet.

RATICH: 1. An itchy spot on a rat. 2. Trying to say the word "radish" with a dry throat.
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I hate the holidays. A lot.

2011-12-25T20:23:00.001-05:00

I'll have to remember to draw enough ketchup packets for my fries

2011-12-22T21:46:00.004-05:00

"So, tell me about your new diet," said Pete.

"Oh, it's great. For lunch, I take a pencil and paper plate, and I just draw pictures of food. See, here's a picture of chocolate cake."

"Does that really work?"

"Sure does. Because underneath it, I'm writing 'Give me this right now or I'll kill you.'"
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P.S. If any of you tried visiting my blog earlier but got an error saying the blog had been deleted, I explained what happened here. :)

The most frightening thing of the day (so far)

2011-12-22T21:36:00.004-05:00

Yikes!

That was scary.

I came home Thursday night, anticipating a giant ton of comments on my rhinoceros post (well, maybe half a ton. Or at least enough to cheer me up.)

Instead, when I tried viewing my blog, I saw this on the screen:

Blog has been removed

Sorry, the blog at jannaverse.blogspot.com has been removed.

My heart stopped for a moment.
I had NO clue what this message meant.
My blog was gone.
Jannaverse was gone, and so was Jantrails.
All my Blogger blogs were gone!

I clicked on the link it gave, and it sent me to a page where it said "We've detected suspicious/unusual activity on your account; please verify who you are" (or something like that.)
It sent a verification code to my cell phone, and I had to enter that code on the Blogger webpage to prove that I really am Janna. Then they sent me to another Blogger page where I had to change my password. I kept looking up at the URL in the address window to make sure it was really a Blogger page and not some scam.

Then, finally, my blog showed up again.

What a relief.
I was really feeling shock and disbelief for a few moments there.
Five years of blog posts had disappeared.

Thank goodness they're back now.
Because certainly the world couldn't continue to exist without posts like this or this or this.
Or this. Or this.

They never did tell me what "suspicious/unusual activity" prompted the freeze.
I may never know.
It doesn't look like my blog got hacked or anything; as near as I can tell, it still looks the same.
Do me a favor and let me know if you see anything that doesn't look like it belongs here, ok?

Now, if I can only stop shaking long enough to type my Friday 55 post....
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Top ten words that do not rhyme with "rhinoceros"

2011-12-22T00:03:00.000-05:00

1. Blueberry
2. Ebullient
3. Four
4. Schwarzenegger
5. Aspirin
6. Follicle
7. Hangnail
8. Persimmon
9. Through
10. Trapezoid
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-21T00:02:00.000-05:00

This could be awkward for guys who don't know the metric system....

2011-12-17T00:03:00.000-05:00

If I used 14% of my brain, I might even be able to come up with a title for this post

2011-12-15T22:08:00.003-05:00

Things that are cool yet disturbing at the same time:

1. The thought of laughing so hard that mustard comes out your nose

2. We only use 10% of our brains, yet we still invented things that can kill us

3. The fact that Mike Mills of R.E.M. will be 53 this Saturday
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-14T00:08:00.001-05:00

Because it makes so much sense

2011-12-11T19:38:00.001-05:00

Y'know, after five years of blogging,
this is still one of my favorite posts.

They grow up so fast....

2011-12-10T21:02:00.000-05:00

Elmer's in rehab, but it was worth it

2011-12-08T22:06:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time there was a walrus named Millie.

Millie hated politics.

One day Zondo the squid asked her to vote for his favorite candidate.

Millie promptly fed him to her friend Elmer, who happened to be a great white shark.

Almost everyone lived happily ever after, and Elmer became addicted to squid ink.
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Various Thoughts

2011-12-08T00:00:00.001-05:00

1. On Wednesday I twittered/tweeted that I was so cold I could pee ice cubes and sell them for a dollar a bag. If anyone is interested, let me know. Shipping might be a problem.

2. In case you're curious, I've returned more bottles in hopes of eventually being able to buy the new R.E.M. CD.
The total amount I've saved is now $10.70. (I went through my whole house and picked up every empty bottle I could find, including a big bag of them I'd been meaning to take back for a long, long time.)

3. Since I'm saving empty bottles/cans to pay for my R.E.M. CD, I'm drinking a lot of diet pop lately.
(That's ok; it'll help me make more ice cubes.)
I've always wondered if the chemicals in diet pop are actually worse for you than the sugar you'd get if you just went ahead and drank the regular kind. But I don't dare, because I'm still trying to lose more weight and I don't want to gain back any of the 114 pounds I've lost.
There are pessimists who believe diet pop actually makes people gain weight, in which case the human race is screwed either way.

4. It would be really, really cool if the diet pop chemicals made me gain mutant superpowers. I hope I get to fly. It would save me a lot of money on gas. On the other hand, this time of year the wind chill would probably kill me. (Unless I had "cold tolerance" as another superpower, but I have no idea how much additional diet pop I'd have to drink to get that).

5. I had garlic beef & bean burritos for dinner Wednesday night. Homemade. Yum.
Just think of the superpowers THOSE could give me.
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-07T00:05:00.001-05:00

Crazy Michigan lady collapses, surrounded by dimes

2011-12-05T18:37:00.010-05:00

Here in Michigan, we have a ten-cent deposit on every bottle of pop.
That means if you buy a bottle of Sprite for $1.25, you actually have to pay a dime extra, for a total of $1.35.
After you drink the pop, you take the empty bottle back to wherever you bought it, hand them the empty bottle, and they give you your dime back.

Bring back ten bottles, you get a dollar.
Twenty bottles, two dollars. Et cetera, et cetera.

Here's the thing.

I really, really want R.E.M.'s new (and very LAST) compilation album. It's a 40-song retrospective which covers their entire 31-year career. It is positively dripping with the sounds of Mike Mills, in much the same way that African trees are dripping with giraffe spit.

Perhaps that wasn't the best analogy I could have come up with.

Anyway, because life is hard these days, because I enjoy a challenge, and because I'm kind of weird, I wanted to see if I could buy the R.E.M. compilation entirely through money derived from bottle returns.

I realize this falls somewhere between the realms of frugal, creative, pointless, and bizarre.

In the one store I've checked so far, it costs $16.99, plus tax.
Yikes.
I'm really hoping I can find a place that has it cheaper.

What's frustrating is that Amazon has it for only $9.99, but I can't buy it from there because I don't have a credit card. I can only pay cash.

I haven't checked Wal-Mart yet, both because I kinda hate Wal-Mart and because all my self-preservation instincts are telling me to stay the heck away from that place during the height of the holiday shopping season.

If I really end up having to pay eighteen dollars, ($17 plus tax), that means I'll have to return 180 empty bottles to have enough money.

So far, I've returned 53 bottles, for a total of $5.30.

It dawned on me, somewhere around bottle #32, that this is going to take forever.
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I love this. A lot.

2011-12-03T23:02:00.002-05:00

Fortunately, coal is on sale in aisle five

2011-12-01T21:39:00.003-05:00

"BUY ME THIS!!" Shrieked the toddler. "I WANT IT! I want THIS and THIS, just like on TV!!!" He demanded, whining loudly.

A passerby threw irritated glances at the mother.

"Oh, he's not mine," she explained. "I just hired him to follow me around today, to remind me that life could be a lot worse."
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Hot chocolate, the way it should be

2011-12-01T00:06:00.002-05:00

Recently I tried Lindt chocolate-- the kind with hot cayenne pepper in it.

Really!

I'd heard about it awhile back from one of my friends. He liked it, so I decided I needed to try it too.

It's good, although actually it's not all that fiery hot.

People with wimpy wussy palates might disagree.

First you taste the chocolate, then there's a bit of a curious burn, as if you accidentally ate rat poison or something.

I like it.
(The chocolate, not rat poison).

Just imagine biting into a good chocolate bar and a hot pepper at the same time.
It doesn't taste anywhere near as bad as you're probably imagining. :)

I shared some with my mom, and she liked it too.

On a related note, I found this picture on the great interweb.... it's a "Russian Roulette" game played with chocolate. Eleven of the chocolates are normal, but one is filled with hot chili pepper.

This would be FUN to play with wimps. They'd cry out in agony if they got the hot pepper chocolate, whereas I would be squealing with glee.

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Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-30T00:02:00.002-05:00

Me, rambling nonsensically about winter in my old age

2011-11-28T22:27:00.004-05:00

It's raining.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) the rain is supposed to change into snow.

If you need me, I'll be wrapped in multiple layers of clothing underneath multiple layers of blankets.

I have become a complete wuss about cold weather in my old age.
(What? Yes, of COURSE 41 is old. Trust me.)

When I was younger, old people would say strange things about how the coldness would go "right through their bones".
I, of course, always assumed that they were stark raving crazy people, and that I was the only normal one on the planet.

Now that I'm slowly realizing I am the crazy one, I'm also adopting their "old" thoughts about cold weather.
I'm cold a lot. It goes right through my bones.
Maybe that's why I like hot spicy things so much.

The nice thing is that I also hate hot humid weather, so I have equal opportunities to complain.

In the meantime, I hear some more blankets calling my name.
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If you're a radioactive mutant ninja, kindly disregard this post

2011-11-27T16:26:00.003-05:00

Things for which I tried to be thankful recently:

1. I was thankful for the fact that I did not slam my fingers in the car door this month (I did this once last month, and believe me, once was enough).

2. Definitely thankful for the fact that I finally got around to trying this.

3. I'm grateful for the fact that I have a place to live; especially a place where radioactive mutant ninjas have not managed to find me.

4. I'm glad my cats have not yet realized that I am probably made of delicious fresh meat.

5. I'm thankful for every person who reads the Jannaverse, and I'm even more grateful for the people who leave comments. (Look! A tear of gratitude! And it has nothing to do with the fact that I remember how much it hurt to slam my fingers in the car door.)

Have a nice day.
Try to stay out of stores until January.
Crazy people will trample you, and their insane toddlers will stomp on you a few extra times to finish the job.
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Or I could just eat things that are still frozen...

2011-11-25T15:58:00.004-05:00

I know, I know.
Today is supposed to be the day I do "Friday 55".

It'll be back next week.
I promise.

Well, unless I fall into a volcano or get hit by a bus or something.

Today is Black Friday.
Every fiber of my being is telling me to stay away from stores today.
The crowds, the mad throngs of people, the lines, the squalling toddlers, the impossible parking lots, the...
(*sob*)

And yet, I have to go buy aluminum foil and cooking spray.
Please... someone out there tell me I don't really need either of those things until next year.

It might also be a nice gesture if you sent a pizza to my door.
Especially since I can't bake anything until I buy aluminum foil and cooking spray.

If you never hear from me again, it's because I got trampled by crowds and toddlers and gas-guzzling vehicles and disgruntled employees.

Try to take comfort in the knowledge that I died next to some aluminum foil which was (hopefully) on sale.
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-23T00:06:00.001-05:00

After enough of number nine, none of the others will matter

2011-11-22T00:56:00.005-05:00

Things I'm craving which are currently unavailable:

1. Roasted cashews
2. Dark chocolate ice cream
3. Inner peace
4. Sausage pizza
5. Free gasoline
6. Mike Mills
7. Strawberry Margarita
8. No, wait... Strawberry Daquiri.
9. Oh, heck. Just stick some strawberries and booze and sugar in a blender and hand the entire thing to me with a really big straw.
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Ten ancient Twitters from 2009

2011-11-20T23:15:00.001-05:00

It's late.
I'm tired.
Monday is coming.
Here, read some Twitters I did two years ago.
In another hundred years, they might actually be worth something.

Thinking of putting some pants on and going outside. Hopefully in that order.
4:03 PM Jun 14th, 2009

Sneezing, coughing, blowing my nose, and spreading germs to the four corners of the earth. Let me know if I missed you. I'll try harder.
9:22 PM Jun 14th, 2009

It's Friday and I am covered in Szechuan sauce. Don't ask.
4:38 PM Jun 19th, 2009

Today 93% of my fun came from drinking cold bottled water while I had a menthol cough drop in my mouth. Wow. I need to get out more.
10:34 PM Jun 20th, 2009

Thursday night I bought peaches, apples, and kumquats. I feel fruitier already.
12:51 AM Jun 26th, 2009

Watching a guy root around under the hood of his car, trying to fix something-- with a lit cigarette in his mouth. OMG.
4:44 PM Jun 26th, 2009

Details are perhaps best left to the imagination, but I would like to take this moment to say that cracker crumbs can be very, very itchy.
1:25 AM Jun 28th, 2009

I wonder if anyone's ever tried to deep-fry an aspirin.
12:21 AM Jun 30th, 2009

Doing crossword puzzles while the rain washes all the bird poop off my car.
1:39 PM Jul 1st, 2009
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(If, after all this, you still want to follow me on Twitter, here I am.)
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It would also be nice if cats didn't barf on the carpet

2011-11-17T21:48:00.003-05:00

Five things that would make me smile right now:

1. The ability to make tailgaters spontaneously erupt in flames

2. Getting 100 blog comments on every post

3. Getting a reply from Mike Mills

4. A giant dish of macaroni & cheese, topped with an embarrassing amount of crispy crumbed bacon

5. Having cats who can scoop their own poop
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-16T00:06:00.000-05:00

What? That IS a smile...

2011-11-14T21:41:00.007-05:00

One of the joys of having recently purchased an extremely cheap digital camera is that you can take poorly-framed blurry pictures of the world around you.

If you happen to go for a walk around town, you can take pictures like these, for example:

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And if you get really bored at any point during your day, you can take blurry, awkward, and poorly-framed pictures of yourself.

Like this, for example.

Hee hee.
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Thanks, I guess

2011-11-12T19:55:00.003-05:00

How McDonald's saved me from eating over 500 calories today:

They wouldn't wait on me, despite me conspicuously standing at the counter-- the only person in line.

So, after awhile, I walked away and left.

I feel thinner already.
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This is probably why I don't have a career in stand-up comedy

2011-11-10T21:08:00.004-05:00

A giraffe, a politician, and a cowboy walk into a bar.

The bartender tells the giraffe, "Tell your friend we don't serve politicians here."

The giraffe says "Oh, he's not my friend; he just wants my vote."

The cowboy says "This would have been a hilarious joke if only Janna's 55 words hadn't run out."
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Various thoughts

2011-11-10T00:02:00.000-05:00

1. Cold toilet seats are about as much fun as chewing on frozen bricks.

2. I am craving ice cream. Clearly this proves I am insane, since winter is knocking at my doorstep and I have no intention of letting it in. Yet I would freely welcome a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Or Häagen-Dazs.

3. Squirrels always look happy. For some reason this annoys me, yet I still think they're cute.

4. I'm wearing black socks right now, in case you were wondering.

5. Here's a picture of fettuccine alfredo for no reason.

6. Also for no reason, here's a video of R.E.M. doing a cover of Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper".

7. Now I'm craving fettuccine alfredo.

8. Today I realized that I totally forgot to put my updated car registration sticker on my license plate, so for about a month I've been driving around with expired plates. It's ok; I had the sticker all along. I just forgot about it. Rest assured I am now legal again. Good thing it wasn't expired yet when that cop stopped me awhile back.

9. Here's a recipe for fettuccine alfredo.
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When tuba players need to get away from it all...

2011-11-09T00:06:00.000-05:00

Things that would not be good frozen on the end of a stick

2011-11-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

1. Tuna casserole

2. Distant relatives

3. Unabridged dictionary

4. Oprah

5. Duct tape

6. THIS. (which you may remember from here).
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I've already done one of them at least twice today

2011-11-06T22:46:00.003-05:00

Things I would rather do than watch any kind of sports:

1. Spin around until I get so dizzy I fall down

2. Read the owner's manual to an appliance I no longer own

3. Talk to inanimate objects about the importance of them holding up their end of the conversation

4. Whirl a bra in the air over my head and pretend to be a helicopter.*
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*Or a ceiling fan.
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Are you hungry now?

2011-11-03T21:08:00.003-04:00

Sentences with all the words in alphabetical order:

1. It's raining sausage today... yum!

2. Always remember to validate your zucchini.

3. I knew my spleen tasted weird.

4. Even Greenpeace loves sauteed whales.

5. Always drink free liquor on Thursday.

6. Bill's glad he laid next to you.

7. I'm keeping Mike Mills today.

8. Fourteen grapes might not satisfy that unicorn.
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The reason why happiness involves styrofoam and tomatoes

2011-11-03T00:03:00.001-04:00

Is anyone else out there old enough to remember the days when McDonald's sandwiches came in styrofoam containers?
I loved it because you could use one side of the open container as a dish for the ketchup, and the other side for the fries.
(The styrofoam wouldn't sog up like cardboard does.)

This was back before they had ketchup pumps where you fill your own cups. You actually had to open a zillion of those little packets and painstakingly build your own ketchup puddle. And they were stingy with the ketchup packets.

I love McDonald's ketchup.
A lot.
They have their own recipe.
I think they probably put crack in it or something.

There was one time during my teenage years when I asked for 13 ketchup packets to go with my fries.
They refused.
(!)
The goody-two-shoes teenage cashier went and reported my request to the manager. The manager actually came over and said they would not allow me to have more than four packets.
I passive-aggressively accepted it back then, but if they tried that junk on me these days I'd make a point of asking for my money back.

Seriously, it's not like 13 ketchup packets would have hurled them into a spiraling pit of bankruptcy.

Happily, this issue no longer has to happen, since they switched to those ketchup dispenser pumps. Now you can pour as much as you want.
The downside is that the only receptacles they provide are those tiny paper cups that are barely large enough to hold two grapes.

Thus my nostalgia for the old styrofoam days.

I should probably just bring in my own Tupperware jug and bleed them dry.
A couple quarts ought to be just enough for my medium fries.
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P.S. Of course, packet-related issues can still happen if you choose to go to the drive-thru. I'm reminded of this story...
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-02T00:08:00.001-04:00

Semi-meaningless picture I made while in a lousy mood on Monday night

2011-11-01T20:24:00.002-04:00

The Jannapedia returns

2011-10-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I've done an installment of the Jannapedia, so here you go.

DUCTHO: Someone who really, REALLY likes duct tape.

RAINEIN: Itt wuz rainein last night andd I got so wet I kuldn't spell right anny more.

DINFEST: A festival devoted entirely to dinner.... or maybe dinosaurs. Or Dinah Shore.

TRUPAT: Not to be confused with all those lousy false Pats out there.

DINGON: A Klingon's doorbell.

PANTIFY: To put on fresh panties. (Example: "After that dream about Mike Mills, I had to re-pantify.")

REXCRR: Trying to say "extra" with a mouth full of peanut butter.

PATED: When you're so constipated you can't even get out the first half of the word.

Disney should hire me

2011-10-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there was a talking penguin named Sylvester who realized he had never kissed a frog.

So he journeyed down to the nearest swamp and found a nice frog named Cindy, who he promptly kissed.

Immediately Sylvester changed into a handsome prince.

"Drat," croaked Cindy. "None of them ever change into frogs."
.

I wouldn't tell you even if you BEGGED me

2011-10-27T00:02:00.002-04:00

My regular Jannaverse readers know that every once in awhile I go vegetarian for a week, just for the "fun" of it.
Once I even went vegan for a week, which feels like putting your brain in a blender and drinking it through a straw. (Which, ironically, would not qualify as vegan.)

But "regular" vegetarianism isn't so bad once in a while.
I try new stuff, I blog about the hilarity of the experience, I post what I ate, and everyone loves me and leaves numerous comments.

Ooops. Rewind that, and erase the part about the love and comments.
Actually no one ever cares.
The vast majority of you yawn and turn back to your delicious bacon double cheeseburgers.

This week I've been going vegetarian again (ever since Sunday the 23rd), but I haven't been blogging about it.

And I'm not going to.

You couldn't force me to.

I wouldn't tell you what I had for breakfast even if you begged me and pleaded while holding a pound of chocolate and a dozen kittens.

Go on. Try.

There's a slight possibility I might tell Mike Mills if he asked nicely, but even then I'd probably try distracting him with other things first.
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-26T00:05:00.002-04:00

Nostalgia creeps in like a parasite

2011-10-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

I've been blogging for about five years now.
My 5-year blogiversary was on August 13th.

The blogosphere is an interesting place, and I know I've come nowhere near seeing the whole thing. I've only dipped my toe in the water, so to speak.
I've seen extremely popular successful bloggers come and go, I've seen scandals unfold, I've read hilarious things and ordinary things and things that made me break down and cry.

I don't get many comments here, and I fully realize that's probably because I'm not very good at visiting other blogs and leaving comments myself.
I'm sorry about that. Please forgive me for not being a better neighbor.
Also, I want to thank each one of you who has ever commented. I read every one and they're precious to me.
Well, except for the spam.

I'd like to keep on blogging for as long as I possibly can. I know sometimes long-time bloggers kind of "burn out" and give up. That always makes me sad. Once in awhile I'm tempted to do the same, like if I spend a lot of time working on a post and no one comments, or if I post about being upset about something and no one seems to notice or care. Feels like I'm all alone over here sometimes.

But in the end I always decide I need the blogosphere a lot more than it needs me.

When I first started my blog back in August 2006, its title was "One More Raindrop In A Bloggy Ocean". I recognized that in the grand scheme of things, one more blog was insignificant, yet might still be able to somehow contribute "something".
Whether or not I've actually succeeded in contributing something these past five years remains to be seen, I guess.

I'd like to stick around for awhile longer, if that's ok.
Don't give up on me quite yet.
.

Things I've Learned

2011-10-23T21:58:00.002-04:00

1. You might as well be crazy, because no one really cares anyway.

2. Cats will pretend to be really great listeners if they think you plan to feed them as soon as you're done talking.

3. Pizza and tacos are constantly fighting one another for the title of "Most Wonderful Food On The Planet".

4. Every time I do laundry, my socks draw straws to see which one must be the next to disappear. I envision some sort of "end of life" ritual where the other socks all gather around and say goodbye. They try to convince their fellow sock that the future involves something better, and give it advice like "Go toward the lint filter..."
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I'll just keep the lips I already have, thanks

2011-10-20T21:30:00.001-04:00

Three uses for a cheese cracker:

1) Trying to catch a mouse who has the munchies

2) Staving off starvation while you wait for the idiot in front of you to realize the light has turned green

3) Crumbling into one tablespoon of chicken soup to lose two more pounds before going on that date with Johnny Depp

...............................................................................................................

I bet you didn't know that they made lip balm flavored like Cheez-It crackers.

They have it in Cheetos flavor too.

Yes.

Really.
.

Drip. DripDripDrip. Drop. Dripdrop. Drip.

2011-10-19T23:21:00.000-04:00

It's rained all day long.
It rained all yesterday evening too.

It would be a shame if my home suddenly started floating away like a giant ark.
Mostly this would be bad because I haven't collected two of every animal on the planet.
Just two cats.
And they're both spayed/neutered.
My apologies to the future of the animal population as we know it.

I haven't gotten much sleep lately, and my brain is not exactly as sharp as it might otherwise be.
For example, I have no idea about the airspeed/velocity of an unladen swallow, regardless of whether it is African or European.

Feel free to leave comments about your favorite Monty Python stuff.

I'm going to continue with my plans of going slowly insane while the raindrops keep falling and falling and falling and falling. And falling.
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-19T00:01:00.002-04:00

Math Problem For Today

2011-10-17T22:55:00.003-04:00

Calculate the number of times I have daydreamed about Mike Mills in the past 24 hours.

Multiply by the number of readers I would have bored to death if I had actually blogged about that.

Add the number of readers who would actually have been interested.

Subtract the square root of the number of hairballs the cats have barfed up on my carpet since 2008.

Divide by the number of Nutter Butter cookies it takes to absorb an entire pint of milk.
(For extra credit, send me that amount of cookies.)
(For an automatic A-plus, just send me Mike Mills.)
.

Now if I could only remember what I wanted to write in it...

2011-10-16T19:06:00.004-04:00

In general, I'm of the opinion that an address book is not a great gift. If someone uses one, they usually already have one. And if they have one, they don't need one.
Yet, today I found myself in the unusual position of needing a new address book.

I honestly thought this would be easy to find.
It was not.

The first store I went to had none at all.
The second store had only two kinds, hidden on the bottom shelf, scattered amongst other stuff nobody wanted. Both were tacky and cheap and ugly (which I realize is better than tacky and expensive and ugly).

I bought the least annoying of the two.
It's sort of a vomit-bile green, with pale green mushrooms, plants, and bugs printed on it. Possibly the ugliest address book I have ever owned, so ugly that it sort of goes all the way around the other side and becomes interesting. I'm starting to like it, if only because it took such a diligent search to find it.

Anyway, why are address books so hard to find now? Has the digital age affected us so much that we don't care much for snail mail addresses anymore? Are we so reliant on techno-devices which record numbers for us that we don't bother to physically write phone numbers down anymore?

Do I sound like an old lady just for asking that?
Speak up, sonny, I can't hear you.
And stay off my lawn.
.

And now Drew sleeps in the locker room

2011-10-13T21:18:00.003-04:00

"I don't know why you can't appreciate any of my favorite sports," Drew complained to his wife. "Sure, sometimes the guy fumbles, swings and misses, or strikes out, but at least he always tries to have a good time."

"Funny you should mention that," she mused. "I was just thinking the same things about sex."
.

Various Thoughts

2011-10-13T01:50:00.003-04:00

1. If someone, any one at all, anybody on the planet could help with this, I would reeeaalllly be grateful.

2. It's almost 2:00 in the morning right now and I stayed up way too late. Well, I just realized I have to get up two hours earlier than usual in the morning because I have to drive my mother into work. Gah. I will be a zombie tomorrow. Please don't hate me if I sneak up on you and eat your brain.

3.
To the car with the Florida license plate who insisted on driving 40mph in a 55 zone Wednesday morning:
It.
Will take.
You.
A.
Very.
Very long.
Time.
To.
Drive back to.
Florida.
If.
You.
Keep.
Going that.
SLOW.
.

Hey, even fish need exercise....

2011-10-12T00:06:00.001-04:00

Tell me I'm not the only one...

2011-10-11T23:47:00.006-04:00

Firefox and Blogger are apparently like chocolate and ketchup. I love both, but they don't go well together.

Usually I use Firefox.
One thing about that is it automatically updates itself.
Recently it upgraded to the newest version, which is 7.0.1.

Ever since it did that, I can't get to Blogger's "Create New Post" screen.
It just gives me a page full of code.

(see screencap.)

I know it's a Firefox issue, because I CAN get to the "Create New Post" screen if I use Explorer instead.
(Here I am!)

Is anyone else having the same issues with the newest version of Firefox?
Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I also hope it gets fixed soon, because I would hate to have to use Explorer every time I wanted to do a blog post.
.

Things that go 'crunch' in the night...

2011-10-10T21:02:00.000-04:00

Having a rotten day?
Ready to just give up and eat four pounds of Cheetos and crawl under the covers?

Go ahead. I won't judge.

Just remember to be grateful that things aren't worse... for example, you could be THIS guy... or, ohmygosh, even THIS guy.

Now that you're busy gasping in horror, can I have some of your Cheetos?
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Just imagine what Disney could do with this

2011-10-09T23:25:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time, it was very late on a Sunday night.

Janna yawned. "I'm tired. It's bedtime."

"No," said her evil invisible friend George. "You haven't done a blog post yet."

"Can't I just wait until tomorrow? Nobody's going to comment anyway." She took one last sip of her bottle of water. "Besides, I have no idea what to say."

George sighed. "That never stopped you before."

And that's how George ended up trapped in a garbage bag out by the curb.
Janna lived happily ever after, because she finally got to get some sleep.
The End.

You can always blame your forgetfulness on number four

2011-10-06T21:30:00.002-04:00

Things most of my readers have probably forgotten from 2007:

1. The one word that will always make me laugh

2. The reason that Arnold Horshack was my favorite character from "Welcome Back Kotter"

3. Five reasons to embrace insanity

4. The reason your eyeballs are slowly being pulled out of your skull right now
.

It probably smells the same either way

2011-10-05T21:08:00.003-04:00

I just got back from the grocery store.

While going down the deli aisle, halfheartedly glancing toward gourmet cheeses I could never afford, I saw something that made me look twice.

The label said "Extra Mature" cheddar.

But at first glance I swear it said "Extra Manure".

(Feel free to insert your own joke involving the phrase "Who cut the cheese?")
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When Iowa rebels against Nebraska...

2011-10-05T00:03:00.001-04:00

Do other languages even have a word for "squeaky"?

2011-10-03T22:20:00.002-04:00

How many of you speak a second language?

Today's your day to show off.

In the comments, please feel free to translate these phrases into any language you like.

(I realize there are translator sites where you could cheat and do this without knowing the language at all. Sigh. Go ahead, if you must.)

1. "Actually, Sarah's hairy mole turned out to be a hibernating ferret."

2. "Why do you want to smell like a middle-aged basketball player?"

3. "I forgot to tell the truck driver my name isn't 'Squeaky'."

4. "That day, Tim finally saw a cloud shaped like his liver."
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I'm home!

2011-10-02T16:42:00.007-04:00

I'm back, after my stint at house-sitting.
Thank you for missing me, or at least for pretending until my back is turned.

Throughout the evening I'll be catching up on answering comments.
Thanks in advance for whatever you said while I was gone.

Things I Did While I Was House-Sitting:

1. Watched part of the Firefly marathon on the Sci-Fi channel

2. Walked around in nothing but boots and a hoodie* while I waited for my laundry to finish drying

3. Got so chilly I discovered new places where goose bumps can exist

4. Watched a lot of Spongebob Squarepants and enjoyed it immensely despite losing 3% of my brain cells

5. Slept in a bed that is significantly more comfortable than my own

6. Wondered if anyone has ever named a guinea pig "Drosophila"
(Bonus points if you know what a Drosophila is.
Hint: It's not a guinea pig.)

7. Realized that the Pythagorean Theorem would be a lot more fun to learn if it involved triangles made of chocolate

*Fun fact: Apparently in some parts of Canada, a hoodie is called a Bunnyhug. It's such a cute name, it almost helps me to forget the fact that they eat poutine.

P.S. Poutine is probably still better than mushy peas.
.

Please help yourself to all my treasured possessions

2011-09-29T20:55:00.005-04:00

"Ok, guys," said burglar #1, "Janna's going to be house-sitting for a couple days. Let's steal all we can while she's gone. What did you find?"

"I found lots of bran cereal."

"Here's a hairball the cat threw up."

"A broken VCR?"

"This milk expired six days ago."

"Sigh. Never mind. Let's go rob someone else."
.................................................................................

Yes, it's true. I'll be house-sitting for Mom & Dad while they go on vacation. They won't be back til Sunday. But don't worry; I'll still make a few trips back & forth to my house to make sure everything is still bolted down. (Well, maybe not the cats...)
I'll do my best to check e-mail and blog comments. I also hope to post at least a few things on Tumblr while I'm gone.
Speaking of my Tumblr blog-- here; check out this post where I swear Michael Stipe looks exactly like Zoot from the Muppets.
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Because when you get old, you start caring about this sort of thing

2011-09-28T18:16:00.005-04:00

Today I tried two new kinds of extremely high-fiber cereal.

Thank you in advance for being concerned about my regularity and my sanity. The jury's still out on both.

1. First, I tried "F-Factor" brand "High Fiber Skinnys". Half a cup has just 70 calories and a whopping 18 grams of fiber. That's probably enough fiber to power the space shuttle for at least a mile.

It looks quite similar to Kellogg's All-Bran, which is to say it looks like a bird's nest accidentally fell into a blender. It tastes similar too-- maybe a little closer to the "bird's nest" end of the spectrum.

I didn't hate it, though I did notice that you have to hurry up and eat it quickly because it gets soggy fast. When it's soggy, it has the texture of hummus with the taste of waterlogged sawdust. You find yourself longing for the "good old days" about 30 seconds ago when it tasted like dry sawdust instead.
But hey, 18 grams of fiber. Your colon will never know what hit it.

2. I also tried "Fiber One 80-Calorie Honey Squares." Per 3/4 cup, these have 80 calories and 10 grams of fiber. They actually taste pretty good. They're tiny squares about the size of M&M's. (Yes, I realize M&M's are round. Work with me here.) These are much sweeter than any other high-fiber cereal I've tried. I actually spent a moment munching them straight out of the box like popcorn.
Highly recommended. They almost remind me of Cap'n Crunch.

By the way, no, I didn't mix the two cereals together. I recoil in horror at the very thought of combining cereals, unlike some other bloggers I could mention. :)

P.S. Additional note regarding the "F-Factor" cereal: Technically the "F" stands for "Fiber", but if fiber gives you gas, the "F" may end up standing for something else.
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-28T00:01:00.001-04:00

Things I discovered over the weekend

2011-09-26T23:34:00.001-04:00

1. Walking aimlessly around the cemetery is good exercise, plus it lets you see strange creepy forms of moss that you didn't previously know existed.

2. New socks are wonderfully comfortable, and they help your feet to forget about some of the injustices in the world.

3. Tumblr is a strange place. I created an account there so I could post all I wanted about R.E.M. (And therefore bore you slightly less often with my obsession.) Tumblr is nothing like Blogger or Wordpress or any other blogging system I've seen. You don't leave comments on people's stuff there; you actually re-blog what they did, and it shows up on your own Tumblr page. That would be the equivalent of me deciding I liked your blog post, and copying and pasting the whole thing word for word here on The Jannaverse. It would probably tick you off, yet somehow on Tumblr it's considered a compliment. There's no way to leave text comments on anyone's posts. You either re-blog it, or you click on the "like" button. Weird.
The irony is that I've had that account for only a couple days, yet I already get more "comments" (re-blogs and likes) per post than I usually get here at the Jannaverse.
I guess there are a lot of R.E.M. fans and Mike Mills fans on Tumblr.
It's a strange and different place... and yet, I'm growing increasingly fond of it. It makes it really easy to quickly share things like videos and multiple picture sets. I like how it automatically arranges the pictures in a neat style.
Anyway, if any of you care about my R.E.M. obsession enough to want to see multiple pictures and videos of Mike Mills, or if you're interested in seeing a blog where I have not (yet) mentioned farts, here's my new Tumblr blog called "Jangst". (because "angst" is so much better when it's spelled with a "J".)

4. Dead mice start to stink after awhile.

5. When you're trying to sleep in, your cat will make as much noise as possible through a variety of creative methods, including but not limited to earth-shattering meows, crinkling plastic bags, walking over papers, and fighting with the only other cat in the house.
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Note to self: Be more numb and less fast

2011-09-25T17:10:00.006-04:00

Last Thursday I was driving into town, not quite realizing how fast I was going.
My mind was on other things.

I was listening to R.E.M.'s "Bittersweet Me", and was just about to switch over to "So Fast, So Numb".
To my surprise, I heard a siren behind me and saw flashing lights.
I pulled over and this little young-looking cop asked for my license, registration, blah blah blah. He was nice enough about it, I guess.
He explained to me exactly how fast I was going.
Ahem.

------------------------------------------------
BRIEF CONVERSATION WITH SELF:

Self #1: So, um, should I tell the readers how fast I was going, and what the speed limit actually was?
Self #2: Nah. They already think you're nuts. Plus you've already bored Monkey Man to death again just by mentioning R.E.M.
Self #1: That reminds me, do you think I could fake my own death easier if I used glass ketchup bottles instead of plastic ones?
Self #2: What?
Self #1: What?
------------------------------------------------

So, after what seemed like forever, the nice little young-looking cop brought back my license/registration/insurance. He explained, to my great surprise and relief, that "this time" he would let me off with a warning.
Thank goodness!
I've had enough emotional upheaval for one week.
I think it's time I spent a few days hibernating under the covers with a pint of good ice cream and a CD of Automatic For The People.

Self #2: You just did it again.
Self #3: Oh. Sorry, Monkey Man.
Self #2: Hey, where's Self #1?
Self #3: I dunno.... hey, do you smell ketchup?
.

R.I.P to R.E.M.

2011-09-22T20:31:00.002-04:00

I'll miss the music," admitted Peter.

"I'll miss doing the videos," added Michael.

They both looked over at Mike. "What about you?"

Mike sighed. "I guess I'll miss that weird chick in Michigan who daydreamed about swimming in my favorite beer while singing all my harmony parts."

"Oh, you mean Janna?"

"Shhhh. She'll hear you."

.............................................................................................................

In case you didn't figure it out, today's 55 was a tribute to R.E.M, who decided to break up last Wednesday after 31 years. You know from my previous post that I'm heartbroken about that. I loved their music, and I loved them. Especially Mike Mills. I loved his musical proficiency and creativity, his mild-tempered easygoing nature, his adorable nerdiness, his wonderful voice, and the great kindness which seemed to be ever-present in his eyes.

R.I.P. to my favorite band, R.E.M.
You meant more to me than I can currently articulate when the wounds are still so fresh and raw.
It's nice to be in a community of R.E.M. fans over at Murmurs, people who are also grieving right along with me.
.

The Day The Music Died

2011-09-22T00:02:00.004-04:00

Let's all observe a moment of silence as we reflect on the awful news that R.E.M. has decided to retire.
I'll go ahead and sob uncontrollably while you read about it here and here and especially here.

I'm probably the 89,347th person to make this remark today, but "It's The End Of The World As I Know It."
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Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-21T00:06:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you feel like a (soy) nut...

2011-09-19T22:42:00.000-04:00

Time for my next attempt at trying something new.

Today I tried chocolate covered soy nuts.

You can make a lot of different things from soybeans, and I was optimistically hoping that a tasty snack was one of them.

I was hoping that it would be crunchy-nutty-tasty (like cashews) and not icky-mushy-soft (like tofu).

I was pleasantly surprised.
They're delicious.

Really addictive, in fact.

The crunch level is somewhere between a peanut and a sunflower seed.
I'm still nibbling on them even as I'm typing this... I keep having to stop typing so I can pop a few more into my mouth.
(*crunch munch crunch*)

Really good.
I (*munch crunch*) heartily approve.

(*crunch*)
(*munch...*)
Awww.... man. I just ate the last one.
.

And yet, I'm still single...

2011-09-18T17:23:00.004-04:00

Things I did over the weekend:

1. Ate Doritos and listened to R.E.M. in the cemetery, parked next to someone who was born during the Civil War.

2. Drank Coke Zero and tried to see how much of the Russian alphabet I could recite in a single belch. (I made it all the way up to "M".)

3. Caught three mice in one of those "glue trap" things. I'm optimistically hoping my home is now mouse-free, and also hoping Mickey won't haunt my dreams with cartoon-like nightmares about drowning in glue.

4. Sat around in my underwear and watched this video a lot.
.

Pass the Sharpie...

2011-09-15T21:31:00.002-04:00

Sentences I have not (yet) written on myself in permanent marker:

1. Even bran cereal is still better than being tailgated.

2. I've never seen your closet.

3. Please pass the deep fried Twinkies.

4. Purple is my friend.

5. Crocodiles are probably good with garlic sauce.

6. I'm sorry it's all your fault.

7. Hug me.

8. Can I cut your hair?
.

When evil lurks in the heart of a brownie, none of us are safe

2011-09-15T00:06:00.001-04:00

For my first official "Try New Stuff" day, I figured I'd take it easy on myself and eat something involving chocolate.

Or at least something which was supposed to contain chocolate.

I tried "Fiber One 90-Calorie Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownies."
Ugh.
Strange.

A good brownie should be dense, chewy, and fudgy.

These are soft, spongy, and peculiar, like a sofa cushion.

They tasted like neither chocolate nor peanut butter.
In fact, the flavor reminded me of... coffee.

(Probably because the #2 ingredient is chicory extract).

They might be ok if you spread some Nutella on them.
By themselves, they are simply bizarre.

Final verdict: They would make great seat cushions for a rat.
.

Just so I don't stagnate in my old age....

2011-09-14T18:14:00.000-04:00

We all need to try new things once in awhile.

Things I've never tried:
1. Skydiving
2. Swimming with sharks
3. Getting bitten by a cobra
4. Leaping the Grand Canyon on a tricycle

Well, rest assured I have no intention of trying any of that.

I had something else in mind.

Every now and then I'm going to try eating some new stuff I've never had before, and I'll blog about whether I liked it, or whether it would have been better to lick algae off a cave wall covered in bat dung.

Rest assured that none of these will be paid posts or ads. I promise. I don't make any money off the Jannaverse, and the manufacturers have no clue I exist. (It's just as well; I don't want them coming after me with flaming torches and wolves).

I won't do this every day; just a couple times a week for awhile.
I've already bought some new stuff to try.

Some of it's nutritious healthful stuff, whereas some... isn't.

Some looks promising; some... doesn't.

Stay tuned.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-14T00:04:00.001-04:00

Pass me the bacon and no one will get hurt.

2011-09-12T00:00:00.002-04:00

It's finally over!
I refer, of course, to my week of vegetarianism.

I posted about it every day on Jantrails, where the vast majority of humanity has no clue I exist.
I swear, I could rob a bank over there, and no one would even notice.

For anyone who might conceivably care, here is how the week went.

Monday: The day when I explained why you're probably not wearing pants

Tuesday: The day when I fantasized about swimming in bacon

Wednesday: The day when I ate one of the worst soups ever invented

Thursday: A quiet day when I admitted that I hate monkeys

Friday: Sorry about the drooling and slobbering.

Saturday: Sorry about all your broken bones. I'm still trying to figure out a way to write about the camel urine.

Sunday: A truly bizarre day when I ate absolutely nothing EXCEPT fruits and vegetables. Not even any bread or dairy. Come to think of it, this actually qualified as vegan. And we all know how crazy I turned out after trying a week of THAT.
.

Just think, when I wake up on Monday, I'll be able to dance in carnivorous glee once again.
I'm thinking of inventing a new dance called "The Electric Pepperoni".
It involves a pizza and an oven and a lot of chewing.
Not much dancing, actually, now that I think about it.
.

My thoughts are shaped like broccoli

2011-09-08T21:12:00.000-04:00

"I dunno what to say Friday," Janna sighed. "I've gotta write 55 words . My mind is empty. I think this vegetarian week's fried my brain."

"Here," Mike suggested, "Eat this celery."

"Will that help?"

"Probably not, but it'll distract you while I eat this juicy steak."

(And that's when he got hit by the melon.)
.

Reasons I'm not having dinner with Johnny Depp tonight

2011-09-08T08:34:00.002-04:00

1. I have nothing to wear

2. He always flirts with the waitress when I'm trying to tell a story

3. He hasn't yet been informed that I exist

4. I'd rather have dinner with Mike Mills instead

5. After the last time, I can't look at Caesar salad the same way ever again.
.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

I can see them slipping already

2011-09-06T00:04:00.000-04:00

If you've just realized that you're not wearing pants, this might be the reason.
.

Math Problem For Today

2011-09-04T21:06:00.000-04:00

One thing at a time, one thing at a time

2011-09-01T21:16:00.000-04:00

"I think I'll call our new band the 'Purple Horse Boogers'," opined Sam.

Artie cringed. "What kind of name is that?"

"What? Should the boogers be orange instead? Wait; how about this: 'The Antique Sparrow Hernias'? Or 'Martha's Favorite Toenail'?

"What kind of music do you play?"

"Well, we haven't gotten that far yet."
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Things I haven't seen in a bathroom yet

2011-09-01T00:05:00.001-04:00

1. A talk show host interviewing me about my experience

2. Bacon-scented hand soap

3. An electric fence

4. Marble sculpture of Oscar The Grouch

5. A good reason why the last person didn't flush
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At long as the blowtorch is going, let's roast a few marshmallows while my insanity blossoms into a beautiful lizard shape

2011-08-31T22:18:00.007-04:00

I give up.
I know technology hates me, and I've been relatively at ease with that fact for a couple years now. Technology and I called a truce after the Great Blowtorch Incident Of 2007, but that's another story.
Anyway, I've been trying to leave comments on a certain blog, and it just isn't quite working out.
I think it might have something to do with the fact that I'm on dial-up or I'm using Firefox or something. Apparently there's something called "Disqus" which I'm supposed to click on instead of the regular "comments" link, but it isn't showing up on my screen even though I guess it shows up for everyone else just fine.

Here's a screencap of what I see on my screen.
Where's the disqus thing?
(click to enlarge)

(*momentary pause while I rev up the blowtorch*)

Anyway, just because I feel like it, here are a few of the comments I tried posting:

Comment #1: (which goes here)
"With the recession looming, Steve could no longer afford to pay for an
entire haircut."

Comment #2: (which goes here)
Things the letters FTWL could stand for:
1. First, There Were Lepers
2. Friday They Watched Lettuce
3. Finding Todd's White Lingerie
4. Free The Whale Livers!
5. Flatulent Truckers Were Laughing

Comment #3: (which goes here)
Since my comments are invisible, I can breathe a sigh of relief as I admit that I have absolutely no clue who Jack Layton is.
Also, I ran a red light today, and sometimes I like smelling my own farts.

Comment #4: (which goes here)
Whenever I do vegetarian week on the Jannaverse, nobody cares and hardly anyone comments.
I see now what I was doing wrong.
I forgot to post pictures of myself wearing nothing but a lettuce-bra.
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