Things I want to do before I turn 40 in January

1. Take out the trash (I have a problem with procrastinating).

2. Grow a Chia Pet (I've never done this! My mother is mortified at the very thought; she thinks they're tacky. I think they can be tacky AND fun at the same time. Yet, in my almost-40 years on this planet, I still haven't gotten around to growing one. This could prove to be a challenge, considering how much plants hate me.)

3. Figure out how to make a Wordle for the Jannaverse. (It never works whenever I try). I hear it probably has something to do with the fact that I have a blogspot blog instead of a format where all the archived text is easily accessible and grabbable.

4. Try Kentucky Grilled Chicken and blog about it. The way their prices are these days, though, I may need to mortgage my property first.

5. Lose one pound for every time Paris Hilton has ever said something is "hot".

6. Figure out where I left my Tears For Fears CD, and listen to Mad World about a thousand times.

7. Get bifocals. (Seriously, I need them).

8. Make that Wild Sauce recipe I blogged about over at Jantrails.

9. Find inner peace and joy and contentment, even if this means living alone in a cave somewhere on an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
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Compared to burning rocks and internal stabbings, my poetry isn't all that bad

What I Learned Last Week:

1. My readers hate poetry.

2. Celebrities are dropping like flies. Don't try to be famous anytime soon.

3. If you're eating lunch with a plastic fork, don't bite down too hard, or you'll break off one of the tines and will accidentally swallow it, and will spend every day wondering if it's slowly ripping your insides apart, driving you to an untimely demise. It will also make you inspect bathroom "results" with far greater scrutiny than you would perhaps otherwise be inclined.

4. Anything over 70 degrees (F) is annoying.

5. Anything over 80 degrees (F) makes me wish I was a penguin in one of those antarctic huddles, enjoying the refreshing breeze that comes from a wind chill hovering around 76 degrees below zero.

6. Anything over 90 degrees (F) is hot enough to melt rocks in the Jannaverse. I am currently posting from what appears to be the inside of a live volcano.
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Summer Haiku From The Jannaverse

~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~
Sweaty bloggers want ice cream.
Just trust me on this.
If not, can I have yours? Huh?
~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~
Summer: That special season
When all people should
Shower three times as often
~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~
Recipe for beef jerky:
Slice a ten pound roast,
Leave it in your car all day
~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~
Please don't try that recipe.
It's not beef jerky.
E-Coli instead! (serves four)
~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~
The whine is so annoying
Bite me already
Mosquitoes (and sometimes kids)
~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~-=-~
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39 Years... and still 100% stick-free! (I think)

Two things I overheard on Wednesday:

1. Wednesday afternoon at work I overheard a lady talking to her friend about how she needed to pick up some milk and bread from the store.
Since it was over 90 degrees out there, though, she said she didn't want to leave it in the car for very long because she "didn't want it to turn into cottage cheese and toast."
I thought this was hilarious.

2. Wednesday evening I picked up a few items at the store. The guy in line ahead of me seemed kind of odd and creepy; it's as if he was trying to impress the (male) cashier by sounding extra tough. He kept saying things about how he had to leave his previous residence because he "got in trouble" with the law and didn't know whether he could avoid getting in trouble again.
He kept using the word "stick", as in "I just know I'm gonna stick somebody again someday," "I can't help it, man; if somebody harasses my friends, I'm gonna have to stick them. That's what I do." "I'm gonna have to stick them, that's just how it is, man."

So, when he finally left, and the cashier guy was ringing up my purchases, I smiled and said:
"Just for the record, I don't think I've ever 'stuck' anyone. "
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Wordless Wednesday

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Apparently you can make a turkey out of ANYTHING

Apparently there is a competition each year called the "Turkey-shaped Jell-O® Mold Competition".
You come up with some combination of ingredients (which may or may not actually include turkey), stuff it all into a turkey-shaped mold, and wait for the love and adoration to start pouring in.

Here's a site with pictures of some of last year's submissions.
Here are the ones from 2007.
And 2006.

Wow.
Notable combinations include these:

Turkey Twinkie Pumpkin Pie
Chewing Gum Turkey
Hermaphrodite Turkey
Guac-A-Turkey (avocado gelatin)
Cow Dung Turkey
Rice Krispy Treat Turkey
Chopped Liver Turkey
Kahlua Jello Turkey
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I have no idea what to say about this, other than the fact that I may never trust turkey-shaped things ever again.

I mean, cow dung is bad enough, but liver??
Eeewwww.
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Please don't sell me for six dollars a bucket at the movies

Thoughts involving the word "POP":

Summer is my least favorite season. Call me crazy, but I detest the feeling of being stuck in a giant hot oily kettle, stirred around and around until my sanity finally POPS and someone pours me into a bowl with some butter and salt.
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Once in awhile I get an odd craving for Pop Tarts. I convince myself that they look so tasty sitting there on the shelf in the cereal aisle, just brimming with thick sweet ample fruity goodness which will cause my mouth to shiver with joy.
Then, inevitably, I buy a box and bring it home, only to be bitterly disappointed by the flavorless crust, tooth-scrapingly hard outer glaze, and barely a millimeter of filling which is so scant I sometimes blink and it disappears.
I only say this because my next Pop Tart craving is due to happen in another couple months, and I'm hoping one of you will remind me what I just said.
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There should be a "Bubble Wrap Of The Month" club, where they would mail you an industrial-size roll of the stuff every month. Whenever you needed to relieve stress, you could just unroll a section of it and start popping away.
Or, I guess the next best thing is to try some Virtual Bubble Wrap. (Like here, or here... or here... Or here!)
Pop, POP, POPpoppop pop POP....

Ahhhhh. I feel better already.
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I prefer fifties and twenties

Quick post about the new Mountain Dew flavors....

The new flavors are called "Game Fuel", and they're affiliated with World of Warcraft.

One is "Citrus Cherry Flavor", the other is "Punch Of Wild Fruit" flavor.

Both are disappointing. Neither have much flavor at all.
Don't waste your money.

Instead, spend your money on gas for the car, or BK mushroom swiss steakhouse burgers, or prescription medication, or, better yet, just give ME any money you're ever tempted to spend on anything.
Thanks in advance.
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Awwwww, man, now I'll never know...

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To avoid trable, be sure teduc....

The Jannapedia continues, increasing your vocabulary on a regular basis.
Can you feel the love?
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PROLVES: It solves one problem while simultaneously creating another. (Example: "Hey, did you fix the squeaky door?" "Yes; I welded it shut so it'll never make noise ever again.")

MYCON: My con will get released sooner than your con. Unless he stages a riot or something.

TRABLE: Spalling wards wrang wall brang yau nathing bat trable.

BOALITION: A coalition of boa constrictors.

WEESHIPP: Wee shipp for free iff you buy more than $100.00 wurth of stufff, but wee may not gett your addresss right.

CATIO: What happens to your vacation when the "van" is missing.

SPOINES: Spines with a disc out of place. (Ha!)

COYEDGES: I hate it when edges are coy.

TEDUC: Bob hit his head on the tree branch when he forgot teduc.

COMMINT: (1)A comment that is minty fresh. (2) A breath freshener for communists.

TWOOT: What owls do on Twitter.

AUTERE: The word "austere", made even more austere by the fact that the "S" is missing.

CHEWEL: OMG, they should make gummi fruit snacks that are shaped like rubies, sapphires, emeralds, etc, and call them "Chewels"! What a great idea! You could make necklaces out of them and call it "Chewelry"! After you get rich off of this idea, please remember to give me a significant percentage of the profits.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Old Raunchy Cars Smell Much Better

Over the years, I've been vaguely aware that there was a scent out there known as "New Car Smell".
Having never owned a new car, I had no clue what this was.
Occasionally I thought of following rich people around, asking them if I could pay 20 cents to sniff their cars. But then I decided against it, especially considering the fact that they might have rich lawyer/judge friends who are good with restraining orders.

Anyway, last week I was in the store and I happened to see some of those tree-shaped car air fresheners on sale in the checkout aisle.

It was "New Car Scented!"

It was 99 cents, so I decided what the heck.
As soon as I got out to the car, I eagerly opened up the package and took a whiff.

And just about died.

It smelled SO bad.

I was sort of expecting something vaguely similar to leather (like leather upholstery).
But this was nothing like leather.

It's.... kinda like old lady perfume mixed with hospital disinfectant, mixed with vanilla ice cream that got left in an abandoned laundry room for 8 months in the Arizona desert.

I hate it.

After less than a minute, I threw it in the glove compartment and slammed the little door shut, hoping that would stifle it a bit.
Alas.
The stink waves still find ways to creep out occasionally.
I hate to throw it out, because it's brand new, and I hate wasting money.
On the other hand, if I keep it for much longer I may end up driving the car off a cliff.

Life is full of choices.

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Reasons Someone Might Need A Shower

1. Unfortunate accident at the Cheez Whiz factory
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2. Snowball fight which involves yellow snow
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3. Rolling in honey and walking into a dust storm
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4. Listening to too much politics
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5. Falling into a vat of pesticides
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6. Using limburger cheese as an arch support
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7. Watching this video where a guy purposely sticks raw spaghetti up his nose in order to make himself sneeze
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I wonder what they use instead of thumbs....

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Public Service Announcement:
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Don't pick up any cows from the side of the road,
no matter how cute they may look when they're hitchhiking.

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Various Thoughts

1. Y'know what it's like to be stuck at the center of a bowl of fresh, thickly-set jello, completely unable to swim through the gelatinous lime-flavored goo? Yeah. That's what my head feels like right now. (Oooh, look-- is that a grape?)

2. I thought I was getting better after my recent illness, but it seems to have returned again. So my reprieve was actually just a brief intermission where the germs could go out and buy overpriced popcorn and M&M's before the second half starts.

3. Dried snot can fuse a kleenex together far better than any industrial strength adhesive.

4. I had Burger King onion rings for lunch and am therefore farting like a motorboat.

5. While at the store today I saw two new flavors of Mountain Dew. Something about World Of Warcraft "Game Fuel". I have no clue what any of that's about, but I bought the two bottles anyway (one of each flavor they had). When I try them, I'll do a post about whether I liked them or not.

6. When I scrunch my eyes shut, my sinuses go "squiiiiicckk" and my head feels like one of those lava lamps from the 70's.
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Too tired to wonder why there's a hamster wheel in my brain

While browsing through some of my old Twitters, I happened to notice a few recurring themes. One is that I am tired a lot.
This comes as no surprise, considering my brain often feels like it's being run by a hamster and a gerbil who are supposed to run on that little exercise wheel thingy but often end up fighting about philosophical issues instead. One of them ("Squeaky") always ends up backing down, but that's just because the other one ("Bruce") doesn't know when to just let things drop.
So the wheel never turns, and I end up standing there wondering where I left my car keys.

Where was I?
Oh. Yes.
I Twitter about being tired a lot.

And apparently I tend to search for eccentric ways to say it.

Here are some examples.

---------------------------------------------
I am so tired I could fall asleep even while being flogged with strands of fettucine alfredo. And freshly ground pepper.
--09:06 AM June 20, 2008
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I have been awake all night. It's almost 4:30 in the morning and I am so tired I could spray paint a panda. See, that made no sense.
--03:24 AM August 09, 2008
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So tired I could poke a pine tree and call it Dudley.
--6:38 PM Oct 29th, 2008
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I'm so tired i could float in a vat of split pea soup and not even notice.
--1:02 AM Dec 24th, 2008
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So tired I could drop crackers on a flamingo's hard drive. It's too late to make sense. Oh, look; there's my bed....
--11:24 PM Jan 6th, 2009
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So tired I can't even throw strawberry jello into a ceiling fan. Which is good, 'cuz I wouldn't be able to move out of the way fast enough.
--12:30 AM Mar 16th, 2009
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So tired I could throw pink styrofoam balls at a lactose-intolerant walrus while humming the James Bond theme in a WalMart cart.
--June 9th, 2009
---------------------------------------------
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One solution could be to clone myself, so I can make my copies do all the tiring stuff.
But, that wouldn't be a good idea. (I've seen Multiplicity; I know how these things turn out.)

I suppose I could try taking a multivitamin or something. I have a whole bottle of them right here; I just almost always forget to take any. (Tired AND forgetful. And... wait... what was I saying..?)

Another possibility could be to eat more chocolate, which has caffeine in it.
Ahhhh...
Let the healing begin.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Thanks for waiting while I marinated in my own germs

Here I am, freshly emerged from my snot-covered cocoon. You will (hopefully) all be relieved to hear that I'm feeling much better.

And, by "much better," I mean I'm now usually able to breathe without having to cough so hard that I pee my pants.

My weekend was pretty much a waste, since I didn't do much other than languish in bed, muttering incoherent things about chills and Triscuits and gravity and cobwebs named Jean-Pierre.

But hey, there's always next weekend.
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Bllhhh... Garrhhg. Aach Hhhllllbb.

That sound you've been hearing these past few days is me coughing, wheezing, barfing, rasping, and begging for mercy from the fever, chills, snot, lost voice, headache, fatigue, and sinus pressure.
I'll post again as soon as my brain stops feeling like a bucket of half-chewed sushi.
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More from the Jannapedia

(You're taking the time to memorize all of these, aren't you?
There may be a quiz later.)
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SPERA: Buddy, can you spera dime?

RHERRULP: Just a minute; Scooby's trying to say something....

UNLICK: Once you've licked something, you can't unlick it. Which is unfortunate if the thing you just licked was really gross.

NONSU: Ginsu knives that don't exist.

PRAVO: Found in a dyslexic review of a really good opera.

MATION: Well, we wanted to do CLAYmation, but some stupid two-year-old just ate all the clay....

PHOLYO: Kom see my port-pholyo. Wil yu hire me?

BARQU: A barbeque where someone killed a bee.

SHTOPS: Brakes help you to be a pershon who shtops at the shtop shign.

PIECIST: Someone who discriminates against certain pieces of pie.

COMPA: A company that has downsized.

COHYST: A hysterical co-host.

AFRECA: We lurnd abowt Afreca in skool today but I dident relly pay atenshun.
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Wordless Wednesday

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What the young people are doing at intersections these days

Picture this:
A car stops at a red light. All the passengers then proceed to get out and run circles around the car, laughing and chasing one another. Then, when the light turns green, they all stop, get back in the car, and drive on as if nothing had happened.

I vaguely recall hearing about this phenomenon a long time ago, but never actually saw it happen until today.

I was driving home after picking up a pizza for dinner, and gazed in wonderment as the aforementioned spectacle happened before my very eyes.

I forget what it's called.... it has a name, doesn't it?

And wasn't it in some commercial for something or other a few years ago?

Can anyone remember?
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"It's a good thing..."

The Manic Monday theme is "spice".

I love, LOVE, LOVE hot spicy things, in much the same way that Martha Stewart loves taunting people who don't care about the difference between saffron and tarragon.

I'm willing to bet that when it comes to the REAL spice department, though, ol' Martha is a wuss.
When I imagine her cooking a pot of chili, I...

(*pause*)

Disclaimer: I rarely, rarely daydream about Martha. Honest.
No, really.
Well, sometimes.
Usually my Martha dreams involve strapping her to the prison wall and forcing her to watch me use "all purpose" flour instead of finely sifted cake flour.
It's amazing how loud that lady can scream.

Anyway, back to the post...

When Martha cooks a pot of chili, I imagine her saying something like:

"Now, we'll put just a little chili powder in here, but oh my goodness, not TOO much, because of course we wouldn't want it 'too spicy' now, would we? And be sure to take out all the seeds and membranes from the jalapenos, because *gasp* that's where all the heat is! And heaven forbid our perfect chili should be 'too hot'!"

This, of course, overlooks the following facts of life:

1. Chili powder is not hot, no matter how much you use.
2. Jalapenos are not really all that hot either, whether you leave the seeds in or not.
3. There is absolutely no such thing as chili that is "too hot".
4. I don't really have a #4, but just wanted you to know that I'm starting to daydream about the prison wall thing again.

I bet if you gave her and I each a really good hot bowl of chili, she'd melt away into nothingness, much like the Wicked Witch melted when Dorothy splashed her with the water.

I, on the other hand, would be asking if there was any left so I could have a 2nd bowl.

Spice is good.

Oh, look, I just happened to bring some pepper spray with me to the prison cell this time...
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