Catch me if you can

If you ever want to catch me in one of those big cage traps in your back yard, here are some suggestions on what to use for bait.

1. Nachos with plenty of cheese and spicy meat and hot sauce. Mild sauce will only make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

2. Chocolate ice cream covered in hot fudge and at least twelve maraschino cherries. Whipped cream merely annoys me because it obstructs my path to the good stuff.

3. Pasta with delicious marinara sauce and meatballs, and a lot of hot buttery garlic bread on the side. (Bonus points if there's freshly grated parmesan cheese.)

4. A pizza with thin crust, four cheese blend, and enough meat to make all pigs and cows tremble in fear.

5. Chocolate covered orange peel. (Seriously. It's good stuff, and it's SO hard to find.)
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Once you catch me, we can go inside and watch a few good movies, maybe play a few games of Scrabble, I can meet your pets and your family, and we can laugh and laugh until it's time for me to go home.

You.... ARE going to let me go home, aren't you?
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I'm not REALLY wicked, I just sound that way

Don't run away!
That sound you heard earlier today is NOT a flatulent water buffalo in heat.

These past couple days I've been working on learning my music for the next concert.
Tuesday was our first rehearsal of the new season, and I discovered that we're doing a whole bunch of stuff I've never heard.

One of the pieces is a collection of music from the musical Wicked.
I hear it's really good, but I have to admit I've never seen it, nor had I ever heard any of the songs before.
So when we sightread it on Tuesday, I was clueless.

And I discovered that I have a horn solo in the song called "Defying Gravity". After hearing what it's supposed to sound like, I agree it's absolutely beautiful. (If you end up clicking on that, fast forward to about 1:22, where she sings "Something has changed within me...." That's the part I have to learn. It continues all the way up to the part where she says "close my eyes and leap".)

So far the tough part is counting out all the syncopation. It sounds easy on the video, but there are a lot of tied notes and odd rests and weird rhythms.

This is what I've been doing my best to learn for the past three days.

As you may have noticed from my Twitter update, I've practiced so much that it feels like I french-kissed a motorcycle.

(That's a good thing, right....?)
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Thirteen reasons I'm going to bed early tonight

1. It's easier to ignore the laundry that way

2. Increased possibility of dreaming of Johnny Depp

3. Maybe while I'm asleep someone will break in and start vacuuming

4. Katie Couric will never find me there

5. If I stay awake, I'll just eat all the chocolate. (I forget why this is a bad thing....)

6. Procrastinating about learning Einstein's Theory Of Relativity

7. I've lost my zest for life after learning Brussels sprouts still exist

8. Trying to follow my cats' example

9. Too exhausted after searching for common sense in the world

10. Snoring burns calories... I think.

11. I have the social life of a turnip

12. Waiting for gas prices to go down again

13. If I talk in my sleep, maybe I can tell myself when I'm going to have to get up to pee.
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Wordless Wednesday

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I know you ordered fries with that, but here's a blog post instead

Is it just me, or have fast food places been making more and more mistakes lately?
I swear, in the past couple weeks, they've been getting something wrong almost every time.

Recent mistakes include:

1. Putting lettuce on a sub when I only wanted tomato, olives, and hot/mild peppers.
2. Putting onions on a sub when I only wanted tomato, olives, and hot/mild peppers.
3. Putting hardly any ice in my tea when I asked for extra ice.
4. Giving me ranch dressing instead of Italian dressing.
5. Giving me plain iced tea instead of sweet tea.
6. Putting bacon on a pizza instead of sausage. (This was still tasty, but not what I asked for)
7. Forgetting the salsa for the breakfast burritos.

With this trend in motion, I envision the following exchange taking place sometime next month:

Them: Hi, welcome to wherever this is. Can I take your order?

Me: Hi. I'd like a double cheeseburger with no onions, and a side salad with Italian dressing. And a large sweet tea with lemon and extra ice.

Them: Great! Here's your chicken sandwich with mustard, and large coffee.

Me: What? I didn't... were you even listening?

Manager: Is there a problem? We always strive for excellent customer service.

Me: I, uh, wanted a double cheeseburger with no onions, and a side salad with Italian dressing. And a large sweet tea with lemon and extra ice. No chicken. No coffee.

Manager: Here, I'll ring it up again....

Other employee: Here you go. One fish sandwich without the bun, an apple pie, and a cup of water.

Me: Seriously? No, wait. C'mon, you guys. Am I on camera or something? This might be funny when I blog about it later on, but for now I just want a double cheeseburger with no onions, and a side salad with Italian dressing. And a large sweet tea with lemon and extra ice. Nothing else. Please? Pretty please?

Manager: You changed your mind again?

Me: No! It's the same thing I said at the beginning! Really! Honest, all I want is a double cheeseburger with no onions, and a side salad with Italian dressing. And a large sweet tea with lemon and extra ice. That's all.

Manager: *sigh*. Give us a moment. We'll be right with you.

(ten minutes later)....

Employee: Here's your large pizza with sausage and mushrooms. We had to walk all the way across the street to get it. I hope you're happy.


.... At this point, I would take the pizza and leave immediately, doing my best to make sure no one sneezed on it.
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For some reason, he didn't want an autograph

Friday afternoon, I got caught DWS.
(That's "Driving While Singing".)

It was a nice day and I was happy about the long weekend coming up. So, just to be silly, I started loudly singing the notes to the 2nd movement of Mozart's K447 Horn Concerto. Since this music has no words, I just kept saying "La" for each note, purposely being silly and obnoxious, just for fun.

Just as I was reaching the edge of town, I saw a guy parking his motorcycle. He looked over and saw me, and, well, let's just say he didn't quite know what was going on.

Apparently I have a talent for making people go "Huh??"

I probably should've followed after him, shouting "No, wait! Wait! I love Mozart! Really! Here, see? I forged his signature on my left armpit and that's really hard to do! Especially when you're.... hey, where are you going?! Come back!"
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Paderk! Paderk! Paderk!

If Webster ever ends up including these, I'd better make a ton of money off it. Or at least enough to buy a tank of gas.
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CLAROCKL: A hideous mixture of clarinets, rocks, and clairol.

EQUALIBR: Equalibrium that has lost some of its equalibrium.

SESSESS: A word found only in the nightmares of people who lisp.

SITIN: If you sitin the middle of the intersection, people will start honking.

FEADROT: What happens when your fead goes too far past the expiration date.

WAYST: My wayst gott biggr aftr I ayt all thoze donutts.

SUCTA: It would truly sucta get hit by a bus.

BENINGO: What happens when you cross Ben Stiller with a flamingo.

PADERK: I have no idea what this means, but it's fun to say over and over and over again.

DEBILI: The word "debilitated," which has been debilitated by having its last half chopped off.

ATEER: Ateer fell down my cheek when Taco Bell took the Cheesy Gordita Crunch off the menu.

UNBLU: Really, it was more of a green....

SADIONS: Ions that aren't happy because they're too "negative" sometimes. Ha! Get it?
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Wordless Wednesday

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Just me, ranting. Nothing to see here.

Still having annoying ISP troubles.
Still constantly getting "Address Not Found" errors for sites that are obviously still in existence. (BBC, Google, Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Gmail). The outages occur about 90% of the time. And it's been going on for a week and a half. (ever since May 9th). Other people (with the same ISP) are experiencing the exact same thing.
I hate my ISP.

If I click my heels together three times and repeat "There's noplace like DSL, there's noplace like DSL," will I be magically transported away from this miserable land of inept irresponsible crackpots?
Will the Flying "Bad Customer Service" Monkeys come and carry them away?
Will the wizard give them a brain?
Can I hit them with my broom?
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Things the letters HFCS could stand for

1. Hyperactive Friends Can Shake!
2. Here... Find Czechoslavakia's Shadow*
3. Hi! Forget Common Sense!
4. Heroic Farmers Collect Seeds
5. Hippapotamus Feet: Chewy Snacks
6. Hot Fried Crispy Skunk
7. Happy Ferns Cherish Shade
8. Herman Feels Crazy Sometimes
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*P.S. The Manic Monday theme is "shadow".
If you comment on this post and see your shadow afterward, we're going to have six more weeks of winter. Or summer. Or baseball season, or something like that.
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Things I did while house-sitting for mom and dad Friday and Saturday:

1. Watched at least three hours' worth of Spongebob Squarepants. I love this show. (I know. I know, I may have a problem). The theme song is still stuck in my head. It sounds so obnoxious, yet I can't stop hearing it... and somehow I still like it. Please help me.

2. Ate Stouffer's lasagna, baked in the oven. (Bleccchh. I will never have this again. It was awful.)

3. Wore my mom's bathrobe while I did a few loads of laundry. (It's ok; I only farted in it about 12 times).

4. Tried Mountain Dew throwback. It was ok, but unlike the Pepsi version I tried earlier in the week, it didn't seem that different from the original. At least it injected my nervous system with enough caffeine to keep me awake most of the night. (More time for Spongebob! And commercials! And shiny things!)

5. On my way back home, I stopped at McDonald's to get a large Sweet Tea. The drive-thru person was not listening very well. I kept having to repeat myself over and over (three times total), and they STILL ended up getting it wrong. They gave me regular iced tea instead of Sweet Tea. So I had to walk inside and complain and get it replaced with the right thing.
Unbelievable.
Even Spongebob could've done a better job.
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That sound you're hearing is my sugar buzz... or maybe the TV... or... look, a bird!!

Want people to drink some weird mysterious concoction you just invented? Stick it in a can and put the Pepsi logo on it! Make sure it's cold! People will buy it in six packs and 24 packs and... do they make 48 and 64 packs, or am I thinking of crayons?

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I tried that new "Pepsi Throwback" stuff. The idea behind it is that it uses real genuine sugar (like it had back in the old days) instead of HCFS (high fructose corn syrup).
I guess I never realized there was a taste difference between the two sweeteners, but there IS.
The "real" sugar in the Throwback version tastes cleaner and less syrupy, less overwhelming.
I recommend it for any of you sodaphiles out there.
Now that I've tried it and liked it, the old HFCS version just tastes kinda nasty, like bug guts that have been simmering in a pot of honey mixed with sunscreen.

Usually I don't drink much soda anyway; I'm still hooked on tea.
I hear there's a new brand of tea called "Swiss Premium", or something like that, which uses real sugar instead of HFCS. I'm looking forward to trying it. Eventually it'd be nice if I could learn to like unsweetened tea, so I can avoid that whole calorie/sugar/guilt thing altogether. But in the meantime, meh.

In a few minutes, I plan to try the Mountain Dew Throwback, just so I can start the weekend on a caffeine surge.

Bizarre thought: I once had lavender flavored ice cream. And it really wasn't bad at all. I wonder what lavender flavored coke/pepsi would taste like.
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Things that annoy me today

1. Gas prices are rising again. It picked this weekend to reach the highest it's been in a long time because THAT'S when I'll need to refill my tank.

2. My feet stink. What happened? I thought women's feet were supposed to smell like flowers or potpourri or something.

3. Cheap pizza tends to taste like cheap pizza.

4. My cats stubbornly refuse to grow opposable thumbs so they can scoop their own poop.

5. Still having ridiculous ISP trouble. Lousy service. Ignorant employees. Where's the mafia when I need them? This has been going on for a whole week already!
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Further Proof That I Am Getting Old

Possible things that might qualify me for inclusion in the "not exactly young anymore" group:

1. I remember when McDonald's sandwiches came in styrofoam containers. This was convenient because you could put your fries in one of the styrofoam halves, and puddle the ketchup in the other half. Then they switched to all paper wrappers instead. Apparently there's this thing called the "environment", or something like that, which refuses to be friends with anything that doesn't biodegrade in a couple thousand years. What a shame. Now I have to put my ketchup in those teensy little paper cups.

2. I remember when Golden Crisp cereal was called "Super Sugar Crisp", and the spokes-character was called "Sugar Bear". Then people got into such a ridiculous sugar phobia during the 80's that many products took the name "sugar" off their labels. Kind of annoyed me, really.

3. I'm still not entirely sure what an i-Pod is, I have never owned one, and it's entirely possible I may die of old age without ever figuring out how they work.

4. While visiting mom and dad for dinner Wednesday night, I suddenly felt uncomfortably warm. I was so warm I started feeling a little sick. Mom, on the other hand, was so chilly she was covering up with a blanket. I told her I was feeling way too warm, and she said "Oh, you must have had a hot flash." (??!!!) I reeled in horror and replied "I'm too young to have hot flashes!"
She shrugged and said "No, you're not; I was 35 when I started having hot flashes."
Sigh. Please, someone out there, tell me 39 is too young to have hot flashes.

5. I can't hear quite as well as I used to. (What? Huh?)

6. I am able to appreciate the benefits of dietary fiber, and actually enjoy trying cereals with the word "bran" in the title. Believe it or not, there are a few (very few) that actually DON'T taste like sawdust.

7. There are other things I wanted to include in the list, but I seem to have forgotten what they are....

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PS. I had plenty of other pictures I wanted to place in this post, but alas, my ISP is still being a jerk, and I am still getting "Address Not Found" errors throughout 90% of cyberspace. Highly annoying.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Things The Letters AZTEC could stand for

1. Angry Zipper Teeth Eat Clothes
2. Almost Zero Toucans Embrace Cheese
3. Anxious, Zany, Troubling: Electric Chicken!
4. Another Zesty Taco Eagerly Consumed
5. Adolescent Zits: Teen's Everyday Crisis
6. Attention, Zebra Trainers: Exercise Caution
7. Anonymous Zookeepers Tried Eradicating Cheetahs
8. Alphabet Zombies Teach Energetic Children
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Ben Hur, Done That

Well, my ISP still hasn't completely fixed the weird troubles it's been having, but at least it has moments where it's better now.
I learned that it was happening to other people besides me, which makes me feel better somehow, in a cozy warm group-schadenfreude-commiseration kind of way. It also reassures me that the problem does not originate with my computer.

Here are some of the things I did while I was unable to view 99% of cyberspace:

1. I actually turned off the computer and walked away. Eventually. This was more difficult than it sounds, sort of like an alcoholic leaving a chilled unopened six-pack in the middle of the street and walking away slowly.

2. Watched Ben-Hur for the first time in my life and didn't really think it was all that great. It was way too long and the story was not all that enthralling. I was somewhat disgusted and amused by the fact that the opening credits called it "A Tale Of The Christ," despite the fact that Jesus is seen only 4 or 5 times (very briefly) during the nearly four-hour-long movie, and he never speaks a word. (!?!)
I hear there's also a blooper somewhere in the movie, where if you look closely at the sky during the chariot race you can see a plane flying by. And supposedly a red sports car somewhere as well. And Rolex watches.
Actually, I've learned that there are lots of errors in Ben-Hur. Wow. I'd watch it again to search for them, if I didn't value those four hours of my life quite so much.

3. Got some peace and quiet when I sat in my favorite part of the cemetery and drank tea. Drove by my favorite "old" tombstone there, which has someone born in 1797. Is that cool or what? McDonald's wasn't even close to being invented back then.

4. Tried that new "Pepsi Throwback" stuff. I'll blog about it soon.

5. Noticed that there is poison ivy growing under my front porch steps.

6. Wrote music.

7. Made two very nice necklaces for my mother.

8. Sang Monty Python songs to myself while sitting in the car, across the road from the Township Office.

9. Read this book and LOVED it. Really.

If my ISP gets its act together and fixes the rest of whatever's happening, I should be able to get back to posting every day again.

Hear that blind optimism in my voice? I'm pretending you've all missed me SO much you're running right toward that chilled six-pack someone left in the middle of the street.
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Now I'll have to actually, like, read books and stuff

My ISP is still doing weird stuff, sort of like someone who pours barbecue sauce into your panties while you're waiting for the red light to change and you're surprised because you didn't even know someone was in your back seat at the time and you can't remember the last time you bought that particular brand of barbecue sauce.

Pardon me while I change clothes.

Now, as I was saying, both in the previous paragraph and in my previous post, my ISP is back to doing its freakazoid thing where I can't view most websites anymore. I can connect just fine, but usually get an error when I try going anywhere. Even common high-traffic places like e-bay, Twitter, Google, YouTube, and the BBC news.

Often I can't even view my blog at all, and when I do, the banner is gone, as are all the other images and widgets.
Even getting to my dashboard and my "create new post" page has been an ordeal fraught with dozens of error messages. It took many attempts to be able to type this and post it.
I tried uploading a screencap of the error. Ironically, it gave me the error ten times while I was trying to upload it. Eventually it seemed to work, but the picture isn't showing up, so I dunno.

I'd blame it on the computer, except (1) the computer is practically new, and (2) This is just something my ISP "does" every so often. Thankfully it only happens a couple times a year, but when it does happen, it's frustrating. I know from experience that if I call them, they will either feign innocence or say some vague thing about server trouble. Service inevitably remains elusive every time, and the problem just sort of goes away after a few days.

So, that's why I need to Google maps to their houses and go buy interesting brands of barbecue sauce.
Except.... I can't Google....
D'oh!!!

Anyway, if you don't hear from me tomorrow (or the day after that), this is probably why.
Think of it as a Janna-free vacation.
Without pay, of course.
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Various Thoughts

1. I wish Taco Bell would understand what I mean when I say "LOTS of fire sauce, please."
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2. If people had to use litter boxes like cats, reaching around to cover up their own poop, manicures would be a lot more popular.
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3. Today is one of those annoying days when, for no reason at all, I get an "Address Not Found" error for 90% of the websites & blogs I visit. (Even sites like YouTube and Ebay.) I dunno why. Sometimes it just happens. I've tried disconnecting and reconnecting, but that doesn't make a difference. I know from experience that if I just hang around and wait awhile, it'll fix itself in a couple hours/days. Here's hoping it lets me publish this post. (I was able to make it to my dashboard to start the new post, but now it's even trying to tell me that MY site isn't there anymore). I hate my ISP.
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4. I dislike Barney the dinosaur so much I probably wouldn't even use oil that came from his fossilized remains.
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5. Now I keep picturing a big barrel of oil with sappy songs echoing inside it. ("I love youuu.... You love meeee.... Put my oil in your S-U-V.....")
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Wow, it's Thursday again already?

Ok, well, here... how about more entries for the Jannapedia.
It's either that or "Thirteen things I just scooped out of the litter box."
Trust me, you're getting the better end of the deal.


STACT: My leftovers have been stact in the freezer for ages and some of them just invented the wheel.

BECAN: A pecan that tastes like bacon. (Good for turkey stuffing, bad for sundaes).

RESSIP: Try spelling it backwards!

DINGESSE: A dingus with finesse.

COAKE: The favorite cola of people who can't spell.

EXHALL: 1. When Whall breathes out. 2. A corridor that has resigned.

THELID: If you're gonna keep bugs in a jar, be sure to poke some holes in thelid.

MISIN: If you're misin for more than 3 weeks, can I have your stuff?

SKABLES: Sounds like a mix between scabies and stables. Don't touch the horses!

PEEGITS: Peegits on the carpet when the cats miss the litter box.

ANLESS: After I started caring less anless about being "normal", I slept better at night.

GASION: The ion you get from eating beans.

HYTHSH: A cat with a lisp, trying to hiss.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Things I will do for fifty cents

1. Explain to your dog why he was neutered
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2. Eat your broccoli
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3. Name a rock after you
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4. Promise not to peek through your windows
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5. Tell my cats that you didn't really mean what you said the other day
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Pines and Roses

The Manic Monday theme is "pines", and I couldn't think of anything to say about it, so I made a picture instead.
Try drinking a gallon of a highly-caffeinated beverage before you look at it; that'll help it seem a little more exciting.

If that doesn't help, try reading this stupid joke first, then the picture will seem genius-like in comparison:
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Q: What did the Icelandic nuclear physicist cow say to the Danish architect cow?
A: Moo.
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Things the letters DBAS could stand for

1. Dry Boogers Are Scratchy
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2. Deserts: Big, Arid, Sandy
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3. Dead Buzzards Always Stink
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4. Delusions: Believe Anything Scintillating
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5. Determined Brats Are Stubborn
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6. Dirty Bras Accumulate Sweat
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7. Drink Beer And Sprite
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8. Demented Boys Aggravate Schoolteachers
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9. Divine Bacon: Always Sizzling
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10. Don't Brag About Size
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Full of music.... and fish

I'm back from the concert!
Things actually went ok.
I haven't heard the recording yet, but it sounded like my composition went all right.

There was no cash thrown onstage, and Johnny Depp was nowhere in sight, but I did get some nice compliments from friends as well as total strangers who liked the music.

I'm completely exhausted and will be going to bed soon, but wanted to make sure I blogged first. :)

After the concert, we went to The Hunt Club in Hillsdale for dinner.
I ended up getting the "all you can eat" Alaskan Whitefish.
Wow.

It was pretty good, but I probably shouldn't have eaten five huge pieces of it.
I seem to be growing gills and fins and a tail.

[insert musical joke about "scales"]
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At least I get to be famous either way

Tonight is our concert!
Among other things, we'll be playing a composition I wrote.

I foresee two possible outcomes:

1. All the right notes, always in tune, always on time. Standing ovation. Cash being thrown at the stage. Movie deals and phone calls from Hollywood. Dinner invitations from Johnny Depp. CD recording deals from whoever does that sort of thing. Fame ensues.

2. After the oboes miss their cues for the 145,368th time and come in late (and flat), with the cello missing its pizzicato note at the very end of the 2nd movement again, and the tubas missing their high notes in the 3rd movement, and the bass drum again failing to properly play something as simple as a series of dry quarter notes and rests, Janna's brain explodes and she stumbles off the stage into the front row of seats, falling into the arms of some unfortunate guy named Reginald, who is not all that crazy about being covered in exploding brains. Pictures show up in the newspaper on Saturday, and fame ensues (posthumously).
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I'll do my best to keep you posted.
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