There's a physics equation here somewhere....

Number of cups of tea I drank today: I lost count after four

Number of times I farted in McDonald's this afternoon: Seven
Number of times I felt guilty about it: Approximately zero
Number of times someone noticed: Approximately zero

Number of times I became visibly enraged today upon seeing a Wendy's sign with exceedingly poor spelling (which was probably done by some clueless high school idiot who couldn't pass English even if he sold a lifetime supply of meth to the teacher): One.

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Manic Monday: Bird

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Pay no attention to the steaming intestines

Guess what I got in the mail today!
The Crotchety Old Man knows I love hot stuff, so he sent me a present!

It's this cayenne powder blend... supposedly so hot that it's used medicinally to increase circulation and help regulate blood pressure.
The label says it has 250,000 "heat units".
(By this, I assume they mean scovilles.)

I tried some a few minutes ago, by dipping a few barbecue potato chips into the powder.
It's EXCELLENT! I love it! It's got a good steady burn. Not harsh enough to bring tears to my eyes, but not wussy either. Just right!

It's good straight from the jar as a chip dip, AND I think it will make some awesome Chex Mix.
Oooh, and just think of the magic that will happen when I sprinkle some on my bean tostadas and burritos.
I can hardly wait.

Thank you, Mr. Crotchety! :)

But wait... there's more.
Guess what.
The herbal company sent a FREE GIFT with the order.

You'll never guess what it is.

I am now the proud owner of a bottle of "Intestinal Formula #1".

Apparently they figured somebody willing to consume a big jar of cayenne powder might conceivably need some "help" later on.

That was nice of them, wasn't it?
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The importance of proper spelling

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Just think how cheap my phone bill will be!

Wow!
I got home at 9:30 Thursday night and found zero comments on my last post.

This might mean the rest of the world fell into a wormhole and is now on the other side of the universe.
Frankly, I've been waiting for this day to happen.

Now that I'm all alone on Earth, here are some things on my "to do" list:

1. Vote myself into the position of supreme Earth commander. Stuff ballot box if necessary.

2. Riot against my unfair oppression of myself, and picket myself on my front porch until I finally decide to talk to myself and listen to my concerns.

3. Locate a few semi-intelligent chimpanzees and train them to run McDonald's, so I can continue indulging my obsession with Sweet Tea. That stuff is great! Especially with a whole bunch of lemon in it.

4. Continue to wash my hair, but not necessarily to rinse and repeat.

5. Decide whether or not clothing is really all that important anymore. And showering. Hey, if I end up getting infested with bugs, the chimps can always groom me during my next visit.

6. Compose a whole bunch of orchestra music, and then become inconsolably depressed when I realize that the rest of the orchestra isn't there to play it. Use the resulting angst as fuel for my next composition.

7. Create a handful of imaginary friends, and spend Saturday afternoons drinking Sweet Tea with them at the local chimpanzee McDonald's. Try the new "Banana Mac".

8. Dance happily in public and fart whenever I want, singing the theme to Sesame Street backwards until the next wormhole brings all of you back.
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I'm all better now, thanks for asking

Thirteen Twitters I Did Last Fall When I Was Sick:

I am so hungry I could eat a zebra. Why are there no zebras in my house? Where is everything?
2:53 AM Sep 19th, 2008

My cat is staring at me, as if he expects something really important to happen soon. Does he know something I don't?
12:34 AM Sep 21st, 2008

I have lost my voice! my throat feels like sandpaper.
1:49 PM Sep 24th, 2008

Oooh, now, in addition to not having a voice, I am coughing and sneezing and filled with copious amounts of snot. Copious amounts!!
7:09 PM Sep 24th, 2008

Just call me 'Cough Drop Breath'.
3:45 AM Sep 25th, 2008

If I accidentally sneeze on you, can we still be friends?
7:26 PM Sep 26th, 2008

I can't taste anything! Or smell anything! Is this cardboard or chicken? Tea or a urine sample? Blindfold me and I can't tell!
7:30 PM Sep 26th, 2008

Tired, alone, thirsty, poor, and contagious.
11:10 AM Sep 28th, 2008

One of the oil change guys just said 'Hey, is that a french horn in your back seat?' ... Why yes, yes it is
3:24 PM Sep 29th, 2008

My sinuses feel like that foam insulation stuff that rapidly expands and fills every possible crevice before solidifying into a solid lump.
4:42 PM Oct 1st, 2008

For a small fee, I will gladly cough and sneeze on your enemies.
4:44 PM Oct 1st, 2008

This is my 300th twitter tweet! I'm going to celebrate by taking more cough drops and decongestants, and maybe hacking up my other lung.
12:17 PM Oct 3rd, 2008

I have learned that decongestants do NOTHING for my sinuses, but they do make my eyeballs feel like cotton puffs.
9:14 PM Oct 4th, 2008
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Wordless Wednesday

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I'm also thankful for Excedrin, Mozart, and clean underwear

Five reasons to be thankful:

1. My migraine (which I had since Sunday afternoon) finally went away!!!

2. We live on a planet where, unlike Saturn or Jupiter, tacos are surprisingly plentiful.

3. Two words: indoor plumbing. (Which, coincidentally, wouldn't be needed as much on a taco-less planet).

4. You were (probably) able to finish reading this sentence without a rabid monkey clawing your face off.

5. It is currently NOT mandatory that we all have to spend Wednesday afternoons sitting in a giant tub of lukewarm chicken gravy.

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Want more blogospherical goodness,
to make up for the fact that I was late posting today?
Here... go look at the post I did over at the Stache.
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Still not satisfied? Try this.

Something to do someday when you're bored:

Place a scented dryer sheet on a wicker chair. Sit on it. Ask your friend to lay beneath the chair, directly facing you. Fart through the dryer sheet, and ask your friend to decide which smell "won".
If he's still your friend afterward, you might even try for "best three-out-of-five."
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I like you, but not as a beverage

Today I was sitting in a Subway (the sandwich place, not the scary place with a billion people and a trillion smells), and I saw a group of women come in. They were apparently picking up dinner for themselves and a few of their friends. I watched two of them fill the drink cups at the beverage thingy, and overheard the following conversation:

Lady #1: "Does she want that much ice??"

Lady #2: "Yes. She said lots of ice."
Lady #2 spends a few minutes getting the drinks filled. One of the drinks accidentally gets a little too full, so she takes a sip out of the cup to get it down to a more non-leakable level.

Lady #1: "Does she know you're drinking out of her cup?"

Lady #2: "Well, she WON'T unless you TELL her, you tattle-tale!!"

I had to laugh.

I'm curious, would it bother any of you if you learned someone else had drank out of your beverage cup before giving it to you?
After some thought, I guess I have to admit it would probably gross me out a little.
Would it matter to you if the person was a relative, a spouse, or a friend?
Or is it gross no matter WHO drinks out of your cup?

Side note: Once, back in the golden days of ABC group, we were having a party at Jason's house. Dennis let Jason's DOG drink beer out of his mug... and then went back to drinking out of it himself! I was horrified. Dennis just shrugged and said something about how dog spit was cleaner than human spit.
The reason I have trouble believing that, is because I've seen what dogs lick.
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It's no wonder all my neurons decided to go on strike

Those of you who were here shortly after midnight last night might have noticed that I accidentally had two different Thursday Thirteen lists up.
Oops!
Clearly I need more chocolate in my bloodstream.
I've fixed the problem, saving the "extra" post for later.
Please excuse any confusion this may have caused with your Google readers or your sixth sense or your unswerving conviction that there was a disturbance in the force.
Please love me anyway.
If you feel you cannot, at least give me two weeks' notice.
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I think I found the kitchen sink....

Thirteen things I have NOT found (yet) while cleaning out my car:

1. Kangaroo liver
2. Socks worn by someone from the Reagan administration
3. Poison Oak
4. Antique butter-churners (I did, however, find some antique packets of taco sauce)
5. Bubble wrap
6. Parsley
7. My dignity
8. DNA evidence that proves I ran over Peter Cottontail's nephew
9. Dirty underwear Oh, wait, there it... Don't ask.
10. Diamonds
11. Picture of three prominent politicians fighting over a goat
12. A new species somewhere under the back seat
13. Inner peace
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I really, really hate cleaning out my car.
But, this time I kinda have to, since there's a possibility I may be getting a new one soon.

New as in "different", not new as in "brand new with an attractive new car smell that is bursting with carcinogens." I've never had one of those.

Technically, it's new as in "My parents are buying themselves a new car and are giving me their old one."

So I need to get out there with the flamethrower and the steam shovel, and try to actually clean this one out before I tell it goodbye.
It'll remember me more fondly that way.

Well... that is, if it's possible to fondly remember someone who farted on you about ten times every day for the past few years.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Things I hate even more than cleaning out my car

1. Drinking a gallon of vinegar
2. Being buried alive under a mountain of compost
3. Eating undercooked chipmunk-on-a-stick
4. Taunting hungry sharks
5. ESPN
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Just remember not to touch any mucus membranes while you're eating it

My Chex Mix project is done!
As you may remember, I was trying to create a version that actually qualified as HOT. I liked the flavor of the "Bold Party Blend", but wanted something hotter. I'd tried the "Hot and Spicy" blend, and was extremely disappointed to discover that it was created by a bunch of wusses. Thus I took it upon myself to create something with a satisfactory level of heat.

It took a few tries, but eventually I came up with something I liked.

Here's what I did:

1. Preheat the oven to 250 degrees F.

2. Get one of those gallon-size plastic bags with the sliding zipper, and fill it with about 5 cups worth of a mixture of Rice Chex, Wheat Chex, Corn Chex, Cheez-it crackers, pretzels, mini-ritz crackers, and garlic melba toasts (or bagel chips).

3. Then, make your seasoning mixture:
*a quarter-cup of garlic butter, melted
*an eighth-cup of Worcestershire sauce (I like Lea & Perrins best)
*an eighth-cup of hot cajun seasoning (I used Emeril's Bayou Blast, which wasn't as hot as I'd hoped. Feel free to add extra cayenne pepper if you want it hotter),
*a few generous shakes of your favorite extra hot sauce. There are plenty to choose from. I used Widow sauce.

4. Stir it all together and pour it into the zipper-bag with the rest of the stuff. Seal it up (leaving plenty of air inside) and shake it up really well.

5. Line a roasting pan with aluminum foil, and spread the mixture onto it.

6. Bake for 30 minutes at 250 degrees (halfway through, stir it around a little bit), shake some more hot Cajun seasoning on top, then turn the oven off and let the pan sit in the oven until it gradually cools down.

It is YUMMY.
I think next time I'll try a little more hot sauce....
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Giant slugs... the breakfast of champions

Today I got an online St. Patrick's Day card from Mary.
Wasn't that sweet?
Thank you, Mary!
I have only one question.
Look.... here's the picture that came with the card:
(Click to enlarge)


Very pretty.
Now, look at that breakfast plate in the lower right corner.
I recognize bacon, fried eggs, sausage, hash browns, strawberries, and some little things that look like they could be baked beans. (???)

But my real question is concerning the freaky pointy gray things in back, right under the word "Tribune".
Here's a close-up:


What ARE those things?
They look like giant slugs.

Someone out there, please tell me what these things are.
Until I find out, I am never going to eat breakfast in Ireland.
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Just think how much more exciting I'll be when I turn 40 next year

It's Friday night and I'm too tired to do much of anything. I will, however, make a trip to the store soon so I can buy the ingredients for my custom-made batch of hot flaming Chex Mix.
People across the planet are having exciting, fun-filled Fridays, and here I am looking forward to my next nap.
Here, read these instead. They're a handful of Twitters I did last October.


It's raining, I have gas, I'm thirsty, and I am wearing pink.
2:45 PM Oct 15th, 2008

Dinner was a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles! Am I the world's greatest chef or what?!
10:59 PM Oct 15th, 2008

Drinking tea in the cemetery. Just had nachos. There are leaves on the tombstones. Let's breathe!
4:36 PM Oct 17th, 2008

I wish I was a leaf. Well, all except for the part about dying, falling down, and rotting.
4:56 PM Oct 17th, 2008

Let's drink tea and make fun of squirrels! They won't mind.
4:31 PM Oct 18th, 2008

Ahhh. Just got out of the shower. Now I'm clean. You may approach me without fear.
10:38 PM Oct 26th, 2008
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Making the world a nicer place by improving Chex Mix

I am on a mission.
These past couple years, I've come to like Chex Mix.

My favorite is the "Bold Party Blend".
It's flavorful, but it's not hot enough.

The "Hot Spicy" version, which I mentioned a couple days ago, is slightly hotter-- but not as flavorful.

So clearly the task falls upon me. I must create my own personal Chex Mix recipe.
It has to be bursting with intense savory flavor, and it has to be hot enough to win the approval of the Jannaverse.

My favorite mottos are "If it's too hot, you're too weak," and "If it didn't make the snot and tears run, it wasn't hot enough."

(Someday I might actually have mottos involving humanitarianism and world peace, but for now, let's just stick with the tears and snot.)

I've found a few "bold" or "spicy" Chex Mix recipes online, like this one and this one. They're similar to what I'm looking for, but not exactly.

I must create the Top Secret Jannaverse Test Kitchen this weekend.

I'll report back to you with my findings... and once I've perfected the recipe, I'll post it here so you can all try it.
If you dare. :)
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Wordless Wednesday

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The World Is Full Of Wusses

I decided to try a few more things that are (*supposedly*) hot and spicy.
And I've decided that the world is full of wimps.

First I tried "Hot & Spicy" Chex Mix.
The bag has flames on it, and above the logo it says "Hottest Ever!"
News flash: They're NOT hot. They're somewhere between mild and medium.

Then I tried Bistro Sensations "Habanero & Monterey Jack" sausages.
Not hot. Hardly any flavor at all. Bland. Seriously, I've had pepperoni that was better seasoned than this.

And, lastly, I tried "Hot Buffalo Wing" Krunchers potato chips.

Not hot.
Maybe medium.

You could probably scrunch them into a paper cut and not feel anything.

C'mon, world; what's going on out there?
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Various Thoughts

Today's "various thoughts" all happen to involve the word "FULL", since that's the Manic Monday theme for this week.

1. If the ocean was full of lemon zest and garlic and pepper, we could catch fish that were already marinated. Cooking would be a snap! The only problem, of course, is that the ocean would also be full of fish poop. Kinda like it is already.

2. I'm full of Kruncher's Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips, which is kind of a shame because they weren't really all that good.

3. It's been raining for the past couple days, and the rivers are getting full. There are flood watches for all of southern Michigan. If you don't hear from me in a few days, it's because I'm floating downstream on a really big hunk of plywood, crying for someone to help me but none of you will be listening because you're all too busy with your blackberries and I-pods and I-phones and laptops and bluetooth thingies.

4. I would love to have a full-time job that involved playing music, eating pizza, farting, petting cats, and correcting people's spelling.
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Things The Letters PITY could stand for

1. Plumbers Invented Toilet Yodeling
2. Politicians Intentionally Taunted Yugoslavia
3. Poison Ivy Tea? Yikes!
4. Prunes Internally Tease You
5. Private Investigators Tricked Yaks
6. Please Insert Tampons Yourself
7. Perhaps I Tooted Yesterday
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The Great Disappearing Yogurt of 2009

This evening I went to buy a few groceries.
Among other things, I bought four containers of cherry-vanilla yogurt.
Yet, when I checked through my bags, I found only three.
At first I thought it had fallen onto the floor of the car, so I checked thoroughly.
Nothing.
I checked and double-checked.
I distinctly remember putting four yogurts into the cart.
I remember paying for four yogurts.
I remember seeing four yogurts in the grocery bag as I was wheeling the cart out of the store.
Yet, somewhere along the journey, one of them decided to make a break for it.

Possible things that could have happened:

1) The 4th yogurt was actually a shape-shifting supervillain who had to leave abruptly to work on the newest earth-conquering scheme: Vanishing Dairy Products.

2) The 4th yogurt got stolen by a starving supermodel who learned how to be invisible by closing her eyes and thinking of shiny objects.

3) There was no 4th yogurt; I was merely hallucinating as a precursor to going completely insane.

4) Yogurt #3 and #4 merged into one so they could confirm their undying love for one another.

5) One of my alternate personalities ate the yogurt without telling me.

6) Yogurt #4 was ostracized and rejected by all the other yogurts, because it kept leaving the toilet seat up.

7) Yogurt #4 ran away because it wanted to see the world and experience new cultures.

(Ha! Get it? Yogurt? Culture?)
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It was nice of them to include vegetarian options too

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They drive among us....

Awhile back I posted about encountering a vehicle with the license plate "JEDI-I".
Imagine my surprise a couple days ago when I also saw a vehicle with the license plate "OB-ONE".
And it was another SUV!
What's next? DETH-STR? DARTH-V? SKY-WLKR? YODA-BOY?
I can hardly wait.
Maybe I can help save the universe as long as I keep letting these people pass me and move on to whatever their galactic duties are.
I'd offer to help, but I'm not all that coordinated with a light saber and would probably just end up poking someone in the eye.
It's probably better for all involved if I just keep to myself.
Though it might be nice to pet Chewbacca sometime.
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Manic Monday: Waffle

I rarely have breakfast, and I'm not nearly as proficient with computers as I would like to be.
But here is a fun way to combine the two.
Just imagine all the melted butter you could fit in that CAPSlock key... and shift key... and spacebar....

(source)

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