Beware of Furning Torty

Here's another installment of the Jannapedia.
For any of you who might be unfamiliar with the Jannapedia, it's comprised of interesting anti-spam "words" I got from Blogger. I've listed them here, along with my definitions and/or examples of their meanings.


TRADSH: "I really don't use the letter 'D' much at all anymore," said Ralph, as he threw it into the trash.

CATICES: What cats would become if you left them in Antarctica for a few nights.

AMPRETHD: I am not amprethd by your thilly behavior.

INEUTR: Ineutr & spay kats and dogs. Ask aboute my midnite madness special!

ACHORP: A cross between a sneeze and a hiccup.

TORTY: I'm furning torty next year, which is why I'm vrinking plenty of dodka now.

COONSUPR: A meal preceded by possumlunch and skunkbrekfst. (Be sure to use plenty of mouthwash after skunkbrekfst.)

NOLAD: The complete absence of salad.

REGRE: I regre to infor yo tha I sometime leav th las letter off word

BUGFUL: If your home is bugful, you may need to hire an exterminator.
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Why it's fun being a music nerd

Tuesday night after band I accepted a challenge.
98% of you will probably think it's boring, especially if you never studied music. Or if you have a short attention span. Or if you're distracted because something really itches.

(Don't worry, though.... you can always go read other stuff I've written, like maybe this or this... or this).

Kyle#2 and I both like composing music.
I happened to mention to him that I had recently tried writing for strings (violin, viola, cello, bass) and wasn't happy with the result. I also mentioned being concerned that perhaps I use triplet figures too often in my compositions.

So he challenged me to write something, giving me very distinct musical rules.

And I reciprocated by challenging him to compose a different piece using MY rules.

Here are the rules he gave me:
Must use the string section (violin, viola, cello, bass)
Optional: Can also be scored for full orchestra (which includes the strings)
NO triplets allowed
Must be in the key of b-minor
Must be in 2/4 time
Must have a tempo of 60 bpm

And, here are the rules I gave him for the thing HE has to write:
Tempo: 140 bpm
Meter: 5/8
Key: A-flat major
Instrumentation: Trumpet, woodblock, cello, bari sax, cowbell
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The deadline is April 15th, 2009.
The piece has to have at least 32 measures, but no more than 60.
We haven't exactly decided who the judges are going to be, and the winner probably won't get anything other than a slightly larger ego.

I'll keep you all posted.
Either I'll emerge victorious or will be agonizingly defeated.
And, of course, there's always the possibility that Kyle will end up chickening out on me, in which case I'll win by default. :)

As for me, well, I finished the first draft of mine a few hours ago....
But don't tell him that. :)
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Wordless Wednesday

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And it'll look just like Mountain Dew!

Just in case you're not entirely sure what your next beverage will be, I'd like to direct you to THIS page, which talks about something being made over in India.
A soft drink made from cow urine.
Really.

Best quote from the article: "Don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too."

A few thoughts:

1. How are they going to "harvest" that much cow urine? Will it involve cow-catheters, or just a bunch of really patient people waiting around with buckets?

2. Will this be considered vegetarian?

3. What will the commercials look like?

4. Now they can play nasty tricks on all the tourists who annoy them. ("Have a nice day... and a refreshing beverage...") (Trust me, it's funnier with an Indian accent)

5. Will there also be cow-urine-flavored Slurpees? (Or Squishies?)

6. Suddenly, diet cola doesn't sound so bad after all.
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Maybe I should have mixed it with Nyquil

If you've been reading my Jantrails posts lately (and my Twitters), you know I was sick all last week.
It didn't really get super-bad til Wednesday, at which point I was like one of those fountains you see at the mall-- except with snot instead of water.

(I wondered why all those kids kept trying to drop coins in me....)

One night it was so bad I tried to ease my congestion by trying something interesting. I'd heard that hot peppers can clear a person's sinuses. And you all know how much I love hot things.
So, even though I was so stuffed up I couldn't taste a thing, I baked a few chicken tenders and put some hot sauce on them. It was my Black Widow sauce, which is deliciously fiery. It burns my tongue and brings tears to my eyes, just like any good hot sauce should. I love it.
I'd hoped that it would burn through my sinuses, much like drain cleaner can eat through an unidentifiable clog in the bathroom sink. I envisioned clear happy sinuses afterward, along with the unspeakable joy of being able to simultanously breathe out of both nostrils at once.

It didn't work.

Oh, it made my nose run, all right. And there might have been two minutes while I could do the breathing-in-stereo thing, but immediately afterward I went right back to being stuffed up again.
It was like my body had extra amounts of snot stored up, just in case. My little sinus-troll (I call him "Boogles") simply turned on the emergency spigots, thereby ensuring that my nose-blowing would continue throughout the rest of the week.

Fortunately, I'm feeling better now and am ALMOST all cleared out. My voice still has a little bit of that "gotta cold" sound, but it's nothing like what it was a few days ago.

By tomorrow, I might even feel human again.
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Faster must the Jedi go

While on my way home from the store Friday evening, I noticed that I was being tailgated by an SUV.
This is one of my pet peeves, so instead of speeding up to please them, I slowed down a little bit in order to encourage them to pass me.
Eventually they did.
After they passed me, I happened to notice that their license plate was "JEDI-I".

No doubt they were hurrying on their way to combat tyranny and injustice in the galaxy.

I almost feel sorry for delaying them.
Almost.
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Better start filling up the pool

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Yes, I am a Weedner

Thirteen things to add to The Jannapedia:
(anti-spam "words" from Blogger, with my own definitions)

MARSOAK: The kind of wood Martians prefer for all their interior decorating.

EPAIN: Having your heart broken by someone you met online. Dating sites see a lot of this.

WARGET: When shopping at Target is a less-than-peaceful experience.

OUTIN: Well, make up your mind!

SCRING: The facial expression you make when you realize (too late) that the milk has expired.

UNISM: A pithy saying from a unicorn.

DESSALT: Please pass dessalt. And depepper.

SWARA: Ah swara didn't know she was under 18!

SIONI: "Illinois" spelled backward, with the first three letters missing. Is it in the witness protection program? If so, I probably just ruined the whole thing.

WEEDNER: A really bad gardener.

DECAT: The kind of coffee that felines prefer. (Hey, they're hyper enough as it is.)

EVERSUB: 1. The substitute teacher that never goes away 2. Those super long party subs that cover an entire table.

RAPPLIZE: That moment when you realize you're listening to rap music and start to cringe.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Math Problem For Today

Assuming the universe ate 300 trillion boxes of candy this week, calculate the square root of the number of cavities the Milky Way will have in the year 2010.

For extra credit, concoct a dental pun using the term "square root".
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Because legumes are better after becoming junk food

Awhile back I did a post about wacky peanut butter sandwiches.
I usually don't eat peanut butter sandwiches these days, but I remember liking them as a kid. My favorite combination was peanut butter and butter.
It was rich and tasty, and it had about 1,334,208 calories. Every time you ate one, you'd grow a new butt cheek. This is why my pants are tighter than they would otherwise be.
But let's not talk about that.

These days, when I have peanut butter, I have it in the form of candy.
And, in these times of death-by-peanut-butter-salmonella, I call it "playing Reese's roulette".

Also on my list of sweet peanut butter treats are Butterfingers, PB Twix, Clark, and 5th Avenue.
I rarely have them, but when I do, it's a special time requiring several minutes alone.
Please ignore the gasping and heavy breathing.

(Unless I'm dying of salmonella, in which case please take me to the hospital when you have a moment.)

What are YOUR special "guilty pleasure" treats?
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Also check out Jantics, where I discuss chocolate surprises in heart-shaped boxes, and Jantrails, which has the most boring post ever written about cough drops.
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If I can't be loved, at least let my bra be filled with taco sauce

In case you're ever on Jeopardy, or playing Trivial Pursuit, and you need to know what Janna had for dinner on Valentines Day 2009, the answer is nachos.

If this knowledge results in cash prizes, I fully expect a percentage.

On a semi-unrelated note, I just realized I have two packets of taco sauce left in my bra, and the corners are making me itch.
Please excuse me for a moment.
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Ahh. Much better.

As I was saying, I have survived my least favorite day of the year, and am looking forward to just about ANY other day that does not involve pink and red hearts and couples hand-in-hand, oozing romance in a way that is eerily reminiscent of a seeping pustule.

On the bright side, there will be a lot of heart-shaped chocolates marked down to bargain price tomorrow.

Ten Other Things The Letters VD Could Stand For:

1. Vampire Dyslexia
2. Velvety Droppings
3. Virginia's Dirty
4. Virtual Donkey
5. Voluptuous Donuts
6. Veal's Delicious
7. Viciously Decapitated
8. Vermin Delight
9. Vaseline's Disgusting
10. Vintage Delusions
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Advice for today....

Today is Singles Awareness Day.
Er, I mean, Valentine's Day.

I hate this holiday with a passion usually reserved for infectious parasites, migraines, and onion breath.
My advice for today is to just lock yourself in a closet and eat as much chocolate as possible while rocking back and forth and mumbling "Dying alone isn't so bad... isn't so bad... isn't so bad..."
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Cherry Strawberry Kool-Aid Hair

Guess what I did today!

It was a slow day in the salon, and I decided I wanted my hair colored.
First mom did it the "normal" way, the "right" way, with professional hair color products.
Since I have really dark hair, we had to lighten it first so the color would show up. We bleached my bangs, along with a few streaks along the back. Then we put a reddish purple color on it.
I was disappointed, because it turned out too dark and subdued, too conservative, too ordinary. I wanted something brighter and freakier; something that would frighten small children and cause adults to gasp in horror.

That's when mom and I remembered hearing that you can dye your hair bright colors with Kool-Aid. (!!!)

Just for fun, we decided we simply HAD to try it, to see if it would really work.
What can I say.
It was a slow day, and we felt like being silly. :)

I went out and bought a multi-pack for 89 cents. There was cherry, tropical punch, orange, lime, strawberry, grape, and some blue-ish berry thing. We decided to mix the cherry and strawberry. One packet of each. Mixed it extra strong, with only about 1/4 cup of water. With my head tilted back into the shampoo sink, mom proceeded to coat my hair with it.

I have the coolest mom ever.

Since it was just the flavoring powder and water (no sugar), it wasn't sticky sweet at all. Really, it was just intensely-colored water.

My bangs are now the color of an electric tomato with radiation poisoning.
It's great!

Plus, I smell downright delicious, just like cherry-strawberry Kool-Aid.

It'll be interesting to see if it shampoos out.
Maybe next time I can try blue!
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Note: Here's a video of someone else who did the same thing, though they used a different method than I did.
They mixed theirs with conditioner and left it on for ten hours (!!!).
I used mine in concentrated liquid form, and left it on for just a few minutes.
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Oooh, look! Is that a scarecrow?

We're having a nasty windstorm tonight.
I can hear the loud, LOUD winds whipping around out there. Not a good thing, because it makes me remember THIS.

So, I'm trying to think of things to distract me, except everything seems to come right back to the whole wind thing.

Allow me to demonstrate:

1. Diamonds.
Diamonds remind me of rubies, which remind me of ruby slippers, which reminds me of Dorothy, who got relocated by a tornado.

2. Hot sauce.
Hot sauce goes on tacos. Tacos can produce gas, which is a completely different kind of "wind" problem.

3. Politics.
Politicians are full of hot air, which can clash with cold air and cause wind storms.

4. Cats.
Cats are like tiny lions, which reminds me of the Cowardly Lion, who was friends with Dorothy, who got relocated by a tornado.

5. Abraham Lincoln.
Abe was from Illinois, which has Chicago, which is known as the "windy city".

6. Nickels.
Nickels have Thomas Jefferson on them, who had the same last name as George Jefferson, whose wife was named Louise but he called her "Weezie," which sounds almost like "Lousisiana," which got hit by Hurricane Katrina.

7. The Olympics.
Reminds me of gold medals, which are the same color as the yellow brick road, which is where Dorothy ended up after she got relocated by a tornado.
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Wordless Wednesday

Hypothetical question....

You all remember this picture I posted back in November, right?
(Click to enlarge if needed).

Believe it or not, I found another that is eerily similar. With even more guys. And a wussy little motorbike instead of a horse.

Take a look at this:


So, my question is this:
If you had to choose between the horse and the motorbike, which one would you rather bare your upside-down crotch to?

I'm guessing the horse weighs more, and a horse-kick could probably do a lot more damage than the bike tires. Yet, if there's a mishap with the bike, there seem to be a lot more sharp pointy things which could go awry. Plus the whole thing with burns and explosions and all that.

So, whaddya say? Pick one!
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Land Of A Thousand Layers

Now that I'm old and bitter and cantankerous, I've discovered that I hate winter a lot more than I ever did before. (I used to LOVE it!)
I've discovered the comfort of layering.
You start with one shirt, then put on another over it, and another, and another, and just keep right on going until you are almost sphere-shaped. It's worth it, though, because then you can ward off frostbite and hypothermia and all those other things that make it harder to hold onto chocolate chip cookies.
Heck, wear everything you own. At the same time.
Homeless people have been doing this for years, and I'm just now figuring out their great wisdom.
There was one day, a couple weeks ago, when I was so cold I wore six layers.
Eight, if you count underwear and the winter coat.

Today, it was actually perfect (52 degrees F). This is right in my comfort zone.

I'll be so glad when spring gets here, so I can start complaining about all the rain and mud instead.
Then, when summer arrives, I can complain about the heat and humidity.
I can't think of any autumn things to complain about, so that might just be my new favorite season.
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Another installment of the Jannapedia

More anti-spam "words" I've gotten from Blogger lately, along with my definitions.

CRAGRATH: Someone with no lips and a lisp, trying to say "crab grass".

MOOMI: What a calf calls his mother.

SUMENT: The mafia seems to use an awful lot of sument blocks....

DINGLEDA: I have no definition for this, but I had to include it anyway because I can't say it without cracking up. Sounds like an insult from someone who is afraid to swear. "You... you.... you DINGLE-Da!"

XYLERIN: A prescription medication to treat people who are afraid of xylophones.

NOICY: Describing a sound that is both noisy and juicy. Usually not a good thing to hear, unless you're the one making the noise.

BEESSON: The beesson and the beesdaughter both kept annoying one another in the back seat of the hive until the queen bee finally said "Hey! Don't make me come back there and sting you!!"

FADON: The color is fadon in my favorite jeans. Maybe I shouldn't have washed them in lemon juice and bleach.

NONSE: "Nonsense," Pete tried to say, but only got halfway through the word when the aliens disintegrated him into vapor. His friend shrugged. "Maybe next time he'll believe me when I tell him the Plutonians have invaded."
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My Tuesday Night

Our rehearsal went all right on Tuesday.
We sightread the new piece I wrote. Although it came out sounding a bit rough, I have hope.
High hopes.
Just like that stupid ant in that annoyingly optimistic song that always makes me want to smash things.

Anyway, we had Taco Bell for ABC group afterwards. Kyle #1 and Steve went to pick it up for us and we ate it at Kyle #2's house.

Which reminds me....

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What the Pillsbury Doughboy sees every day

Be sure to notice the guy at the far left, shrieking in the oven....

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A post devoted entirely to bacon

I like bacon.
A lot.

Luckily, we live in a world which is simply bursting with bacon. Much to the dismay of pigs everywhere, we have things like bacon-flavored toothpicks, bacon air fresheners, bacon-flavored dental floss, and bacon clocks.

For those of you with a sweet tooth, we have bacon jellybeans, chocolate-covered bacon, bacon mints, carmelized bacon strips, bacon gumballs, bacon cookies, bacon ice cream, and bacon pumpkin pie.

If you've ever wondered what your blog would look like with a slice of bacon on it, this is the site to visit. It can show you what ANY website would look like with a side of bacon.
May I present the baconized Jannaverse:


Speaking of bacon, there's also THIS site, advertising a product called "Bacon Salt."
I found some at one of the nearby stores and decided to give it a try.
(Not right there in the store; I promise I bought it and took it home first.)
It's.... not very bacony.
And, oddly enough, not very salty, either.
I was expecting it to be bursting with enough bacony goodness to produce panic attacks in every pig within a 3-mile radius.
No.
Not even close.
This is sad, because I was really hoping I'd like it.


By the way, here are some band-aids which look like bacon.

I love it.
Just imagine, now all your scrapes, scratches, paper cuts, and gaping wounds can look delicious!

Notice that there's a "Free Toy" inside!
What could it be? A key chain resembling a roast ham? Trading cards with pictures of different ways to use breakfast sausage? A whistle made of unmentionable pig parts?

There's one other bacony thing I couldn't resist posting. You all know the recent posts I've done (here and here) about people who wear clothes made out of meat. So I guess it was only a matter of time before someone wore a bra made out of bacon.

Hey, it could be worse.
It could be a thong.

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The shredded carrots are shaped like little music notes

I apologize to all of you who stopped by expecting to see a Manic Monday post last night. Mine wasn't ready in time because I was working on my newest music composition.
I finally finished it!
Yes!
It's 173 measures long, three movements, and takes six minutes to play.
The conductor's score is 28 pages long.

We may be able to rehearse it on Tuesday, if Bob (the director) likes it.

I just finished printing everything out, and I put a copy of the audio file onto a CD.
It is now almost three in the morning, and I have to get up for work in about five hours.
Thus my brain feels like shredded carrots.
Or maybe crushed pretzels.

I'm going to bed for a few hours so I can resemble something human tomorrow.

The Manic Monday theme is "cloud," so maybe my brain feels like a big cloudlike lump of cotton.
It's hard to see in there.
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