Daydreaming about gnawing on a yak

Today was my first day of temporary self-imposed vegetarianism.
I've already forgotten how to type, and my knuckles are muttering something in a language I can't quite understand. I've chosen not to worry about why three dozen cranberries are dancing on my ceiling.

Clearly, bacon cheeseburgers are very important to life as we know it.

Day #1:

Breakfast: sliced peaches, tea
Lunch: Lean Cuisine vegetable egg roll w/rice
Dinner: Plain cheese pizza rolls

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My week of vegecide

This week, for no particular reason, I want to try becoming a vegetarian.
Just for this week.
I promise to return promptly to my shamelessly carnivorous self when I'm done.
The local wildlife won't even have time to get comfortable.... which of course is silly because I never really planned on eating them anyway. (Ignore the rumors.)

Here are some reasons I'm not exactly the typical vegetarian type:

1. Pizza exists for the sole purpose of being a comfy cozy bed for meat. I've heard rumors of things called "plain cheese pizzas" and "veggie pizzas", but I view them in much the same way as a caveman would view an iPhone.

2. I don't cook anymore. I used to, when I was younger, but these days I'm just not interested. I bake things on a sheet of aluminum foil in the oven... does that count? I also have a tiny microwave which can handle one tiny bowl of something. That's it. I haven't used my stovetop in years. Needless to say, the Food Network is not knocking at my door to offer me any cooking shows. They do, however, occasionally send mobs with flaming torches, threatening to burn me at the stake if I keep eating off of paper plates.

3. I hate tofu. Tofu is the solidified toe jam of Satan.

There are other reasons too, but maybe I'd better just quit while I'm ahead.

Anyway, for no particular reason, I've decided that this week (August 31 through Sept 6) is going to be my self-imposed week of vegetarianism.
In addition to my regular posts, I'll be letting you all know what I ate that day.

And, if I end up "forgetting" and chowing down on a large beef burrito with a side of pepperoni-bacon-ham-sausage pizza, I'll be sure and let you know about that too.

Wish me well.
I promise to stop if sprouts start growing out my ears (or other places).
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Bllharrhhhghh

I'm home.
After four days of house-sitting, I'm finally home.
I missed sleeping in my own bed.
The bed I was using felt like a slab of cement.
My back hurts, and I have had a migraine all day. (Complete with barfing!)
I'll post more when I stop feeling like a radioactive rotting carcass.
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Please pass the Grey Poupon to window #10

Talk amongst yourselves....

I'm going to be house-sitting for my folks again, from now 'til around Sunday. What can I say; August is their month for wandering around to make sure the rest of the planet is still there.

I KNOW it's still there because the Internet tells me so, therefore I am content to simply sit in a chair and eat cheetos while watching reruns of Spongebob Squarepants.

Anyway, I'll be offline for just a few days, but I'll be back. Barring, of course, some unforseen tragedy-- like McDonalds discontinuing the sale of its Sweet Tea, in which case I would undoubtedly end up crying myself to death.

While I'm gone, you're welcome to sort through my archives and find lonely orphan posts that hardly anyone else commented on.

Like maybe this one... or this or this, or... this!
Or lists that I made, like this, or this, or this....
Or maybe just silly little posts that I liked for no reason, like this or this or this.
Or Wordless Wednesdays on Jantrails that (so far) no one has ever commented on, like this or this or this or this.

(That's a total of 13 retro-links, which is today's version of my Thursday Thirteen list.)

And if you're too lazy tired to click on those, maybe you can at least explain this picture to me. Why's it supposed to be funny? What's the thing next to the sign? I don't get it. Please enlighten me.
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See you in a few days.
If you break into my house while I'm gone, please make yourself useful by cleaning out the freezer and scooping the litter box.
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Wordless Wednesday

Note to self: Buy scented candles

Six of my Twitters from 2008,
all of which involve things that stink:

Acggghhh! I just discovered that my cats are lactose intolerant. I will never feed them milk again! Imagine the sounds of cat diarrhea.
--10:44 PM Nov 9th, 2008

Imagine the new Norman Rockwell painting: Lady reading in bed, surrounded by pooping cats, while the snow falls gently outside.
--10:22 PM Nov 10th, 2008

Onion rings for lunch. Bean tostadas for dinner. My house is filled with the gaseous aftermath. Better not come over.
--11:19 PM Nov 13th, 2008

I thought women's feet weren't supposed to stink. Am I a hybrid?
--6:17 PM Nov 20th, 2008

Made THE BEST chili last night. The farts were amazing. My eyes are still watering. Loved it.
--5:05 PM Nov 29th, 2008

Ooooh! just got some new deodorant! wanna smell my armpits? Go on. You know you want to.
--12:19 PM Dec 5th, 2008
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Things the letters FLAT could stand for

1. Fried Leftovers = Almost Tasty

2. Frogs Leave A Trail

3. Ferocious = Los Angeles Traffic

4. Frontal Lobotomies Are Terrible

5. Froot Loops And Turkey

6. Fish Love Appetizers & Tadpoles

7. Fly Low; Appreciate Turbulence!
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Technology is a beautiful thing

For those who are so addicted to the Internet that they can't bear the thought of leaving the house without it, but can't afford an iPhone or any of those new gadgets....


Note: product not available for anyone with a weak back, or anyone who might actually want to see where they're going. Extra dexterity required for inserting/removing CD's and DVD's. Requires a very long extension cord.
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We may have to cancel Groundhog Day

I discovered something this week.
My car has animal magnetism.

No, I don't mean it exudes charm and exciting gentlemanly hotness; I mean animals from miles around are compelled to run in front of it with no regard to what it means for their immediate future.

Earlier in the week, I was driving along when a groundhog ran in front of me.
He obviously planned his trajectory well in advance, going at exactly the right speed for the right length of time at the correct angle to end up directly beneath my tires.

**bump-bump**

I felt slightly bad about that, but consoled myself with the knowledge that this kind of thing just sorta happens sometimes when you live in a rural area teeming with wildlife.

Then, a day or two after that, I was driving to work when I saw a bird flying directly toward my windshield. Again, it was some odd angle which had to have been previously calculated to the Nth degree, at exactly the right wind speed, in just the right direction to end up slamming against my windshield.

**FWUMP**

As I drove on, I looked in my rear view mirror to see the poor bird flapping and flopping pathetically on the pavement in the center of the road.

Now I felt really bad.
And curious about what on earth just happened.

Later that night, while I was driving home, I saw something standing in the road ahead of me. It was hard to see, so I slowed down...
And there in my headlights was someone's dog, just standing there in the middle of the road with no fear whatsoever. Looked kinda like a chocolate lab, I think.
Determined NOT to hit someone's dog, I slammed on the brakes and swerved to avoid it.

**pause for dramatic effect**

I did not hit the dog. (Thank goodness!)
The dog lived. And by "lived", I mean it kept its two functioning brain cells which told it to meander aimlessly into the center of the road, and into the oncoming lane. Luckily there was no oncoming traffic. I hope he made his way home all right.

I'm afraid to find out what I may be hitting next.
I live in an area with a lot of deer. So far in my 39 years on this planet I've managed to avoid hitting any deer. Perhaps the day is coming.

In the meantime, you may want to keep your pets indoors.
And don't get particularly attached to Bambi.
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More from the Jannapedia

FINGLY: When your fingers get tingly because you fell asleep on your side with your hand smashed underneath you.

GLINGLY: When the same thing happens to Glinda the good witch.

HYLLO: The aliens didn't greet us with perfect spelling, but we were polite anyway because they were carrying ray guns.

KOARDS: I kan play gittar reel well! Heer, lissen to theez koards!

INALING: The word "inhaling", where the "h" is missing because someone breathed a little too deeply...

URRIES: Flurries that are so bad you can't even see the first two letters.

SESSEMAS: A holiday where people eat a lot of sesame seeds.

VIRATO: Vibrato which shook so much that the "b" fell out.

IATHUME: Yeth, Thir! May I athume you want chipth and thaltha with your burrito?

HOTSIONA: A cheaper version of burnt siena.

ANTST: The angst suffered by ants when you ruin their anthills.

SAFTI: Alweez be karefull. Safti furst! Wait, what did that big red sign say?

COPHI: Of korse, if yu kant spel, at leest yu kan stil drink yur cophi. With kreem and shugr.
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Wordless Wednesday

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And the shirt doesn't look bad either

It's good to be back.
I've decided to pretend that you all missed me so much you couldn't bear to eat anything while I was gone, and as a result you all lost ten pounds, which explains why you look so fantastic in those pants.

I would've posted last night, except my stupid ISP's server was down, so I couldn't get online.

Sunday I had a bit of a scare when I realized my wallet was missing.
After mentally re-tracing my steps, I decided I must have left it at the store when I went grocery shopping.
By the time I realized this and went back to the store, they'd already closed for the day.
So I went back first thing this morning and asked about it... and lo and behold, they DID have it right there waiting for me. Intact. With nothing stolen out of it.

What a relief. (!!!)

If only stress and anxiety burned more calories, I could be in those skinny pants right along with you.
In a separate pair of pants, I mean.
Not the same ones.
That would be awkward.
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Now I'm craving little chocolate peanut butter brains...

I'm going to be house-sitting for Mom & Dad on Friday/Saturday, so I'm trusting you all to not tear the place to smithereens while I'm gone.
(Note: the word "smithereens" always reminds me of my college days, when I would watch this video on MTV in the basement of my dorm)

While I'm gone, you might be able to amuse yourself with the following sites:

1. Scanwiches.com: What a lovely idea. Make a sandwich, cut it in half, and put it on a scanner so we can all get a nice view. Some of these combinations are a little "unique". (Duck and Fig Butter and Brie?)

2. FancyFastFood.com: Clever and nasty all at the same time. "Fancy" recipes made by taking apart fast food and re-assembling it in new and creative ways. Pictures included!

3. And if you plan on making candy this weekend, be sure to buy these "Bite Size Brains" candy molds. Just think of the possibilities!

And just imagine a site which could somehow incorporate all three of those into one idea.
(???!!!)

(Credit where credit is due:
I'd like to thank Gwen, for alerting me to all three of those sites via Twitter! Yay Gwen! She's Gwentastic! )
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Three years? Already?

Today is my three-year blogiversary. (Jannaversary?)
Yay.
Everybody have some cake or pie or salad or tacos or falafel... or whatever else floats your boat.
If blog years are like dog years, this means mine is finally old enough to drink.
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Not-Entirely-Wordless Wednesday

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I might also be deficient in sleep, but it didn't rhyme

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There are nights when I just can not think
As the summertime farms sleep and stink
Fajitas sound good
More than Brussels sprouts would
Perhaps I'm deficient in zinc
.~.~.~.~.~.
There are times when my brain's in disguise
Shrinking down to a walnut-like size
My ideas are gone
(Maybe out on the lawn...?)
I should hire some cranial spies
.~.~.~.~.~.
There are days when my words go away
Which is why I've got nothing today
Except bags full of trash
(How I wish they held cash)
And a link to Raspberry Beret
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The Embarrassing Bratwurst Incident of 2009

OMG.
The most embarrassing thing in the world just happened.
Well, maybe the second most embarrassing thing.
I haven't decided yet.

I spent the day at home, lounging around, reading, napping, web-surfing, and whatever else I could think of to make this feel like a Saturday.
I didn't get dressed because I hadn't planned on leaving the house.

In the evening, I decided to make some bratwurst.
Yummy bratwurst with honey mustard, so plump they squirt when you bite into them.

Well, in the middle of my meal I heard a knock at the door.
%$#&@!!!, I thought, since I wasn't dressed appropriately enough to welcome any visitors.

I ended up hurrying to throw on a simple full-length sleeveless cotton dress. It covered everything that needed covering, despite the fact that I didn't have time to put on any bra or undies. My hair was a mess, and I hadn't showered yet, either.

I got to the door just in time to see two guys walking away.
Turns out they wanted to know if my neighbor's truck was for sale.

While I stood there in the doorway talking to them, Brynden scooted out the door, and I had to bend over and pick him up.
Yikes, I thought, hoping my bralessness was not becoming immediately evident.

The two guys were polite enough, though they sure seemed to ask a lot of questions I had no answer to. (Seriously, how would I know anything about my neighbor's truck?)

After they left, I happened to glance at my face in the mirror.

And I just about died.

All that time, there was this huge splurt of honey-mustard-and-bratwurst-juice on my left cheek.

Just thick enough so that it remained stuck in mid-drip.
I have no idea why I didn't notice it before!!

I can only imagine what the two guys thought.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go crawl under a rock until the year 2018.
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Feel free to contribute to the sherbet fund

Since it's going to be in the 90's this weekend, with a heat index in the 100's, I plan to move to the Arctic Circle and share an igloo with a polar bear while we roll naked in vats of lime sherbet.
If that's not enough, I may have to turn on the fan too.
Please tell me igloos have electrical outlets.
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I bet there are lots of miesse in Phredi's house

REORARR: The sound my stomach makes when I am craving pizza.

MORAZI: A nazi moron.

PHREDI: After Freddie got his PhD, he started getting a little stuck up....

AUTIVE: The word "automotive," where the "omot" needs to be replaced and will probably cost you at least eight hundred bucks.

FLYTONE: Politically correct term for the sound flies make when they buzz.

DEMOL: (1) The word "demolish" which has had the last syllable demolished. (2) Instead of sharing de big platter of de garlic shrimp, I ended up eating demol myself.

NONSUS: A census where nobody answered.

MIESSE: Mice who live in a really classy neighborhood.

INVES: The word "invest," which made a bad investment and ended up losing its last letter.

DEMIDEX: A prescription medication to make Demi Moore wonder why she's with Ashton Kutcher.

GRATH: What people with lisps mow in the summertime.

SLYZIGY: A syzygy which is really sneaky.

PREST: (1) A priest who can't spell (2) I prest the button for the automatic car wash because all those birds pooped on my windshield.
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Wordless Wednesday

source

Math Problem For Today

Janna is driving 60mph in a 55mph zone.
She approaches an Amish buggy which is going 10mph.
Assuming a rapid rate of deceleration, how many horse turds will Janna run over before she's able to pass?
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Hopefully I'll remember to bring a #2 pencil

If there's a "final exam" to life, here are some questions I hope are NOT on it:

1. How many calories are in a can of spaghettios?

2. What did that rude chick at the supermarket really say when your back was turned?

3. Which is faster, an ostrich or a kangaroo?

4. How many bloggers were wearing blue at 7:41pm on August 2, 2009?

5. Why is there never enough pepper in those little fast-food packets of pepper?

6. At what point does foot odor cross the line from "personal inconvenience" to "hideous disease"?

7. Why do walnut shells look like little petrified brains? (petrified testicles? petrified brussels sprouts?)
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extra credit:
a) Explain what happens to socks that get lost in the dryer.
b) Where are your car keys and how did they get there?
c) Why is the idiot in front of you going only 33 miles an hour?
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(Be sure also to see my Jantrails post: "Things The Letters FINAL Could Stand For", and my Jantics post, about when it's appropriate to poke me with a stick.)
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