Next year I might even breathe twice

I'm usually not interested in making New Years' Resolutions. I understand why some people do, and I understand the psychological importance of why it feels right to begin on January 1st, but it just doesn't grab me.

Should this year be any different?
Should I, for example, explore any of the following avenues of self-betterment?

1) Resolving to be more helpful the next time my imaginary friend needs to be bailed out of jail.

2) Stop referring to Brussels Sprouts as "Those Freaky Cabbage Testicles".

3) Start recycling expired milk by pouring it into the cars of people who took the parking spot I wanted. (Note to self: If caught, tell police it was the imaginary friend's idea again)

4) Get more oxygen by breathing one extra time per day.

5) Develop new breakfast cereal called "Compost Flakes". Target market: masochistic gardeners with no taste buds. (In case they were the ones who stole my parking spot, they can also use my expired milk for their cereal).
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Or, I can always just continue the usual protocol of being friends with myself the way I already am, (lumps and bumps and all), still pausing for the occasional angsty moment of self-doubt.
I dunno, though.
That extra breath of oxygen might come in handy.
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Bzzzt! Zap! Pow!

It's a common tradition to send cards during the holiday season.
Some of you may have gotten a ton of holiday greeting cards these past few weeks.
Some cards even say pre-recorded stuff when you open them up.

Now, I know what you're thinking, so I'll just come right out and say it.

You're wondering, "Janna, what would happen if I put my talking greeting cards in the microwave?"
And, because I am so helpful, I feel the need to direct you to THIS video, where some guys actually put a talking card into a microwave.
For three minutes.
On high.

Once you've watched that, feel free to watch this one too, where they put an etch-a-sketch in a microwave for seven minutes.
And perhaps this one, where they microwave an iPod.
The iPod explodes.

It's the perfect way to spread cheer and joy this time of year.

After all, no matter what denomination you happen to be, it's always fun to see sparks and molten metal.
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And don't forget the fire sauce!

I would like to take a brief moment to leap wildly into the air and shout jubilantly until I have awakened most of your neighbors.
They'll understand.
I'm celebrating the fact that, for the time being, Taco Bell has brought back the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

Life is good.
(As long as you order it without lettuce).
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Math Problem For Today

Mildred is at a party, drinking a 16-ounce glass of orange juice mixed with 1 ounce of 140-proof liquor. Assuming she consumes half the beverage in 20 minutes, and the remaining half in the 20 minutes after that, how many times will she sing the theme to "COPS" before waking up in a cheap motel with two truck drivers?
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I hear it has medicinal properties

Wednesday night I went out to dinner with my mom and dad.
It was nothing fancy; just the three of us at a Chinese buffet.
One of the things I tried was called "Dragon Phoenix". It was a combination of shrimp, chicken and (probably fake) lobster, all mixed together in a rich buttery garlic cream sauce. I know, it doesn't sound Chinese at all. But it was yummy.
I mentioned that the Dragon Phoenix was really good.
Dad thought for a moment, with a kind of odd expression, and then he asked "WHAT did you say that stuff was called??"
"Dragon Phoenix," I repeated.
"Oh..." he responded with a bit of relief. "I thought you said something else."

Turns out he thought I was eating Dragon Penis.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Things the letters ELF could stand for

1) Everybody Looks Flatulent
2) Environmentalists Love Falafel
3) Einstein Learned Fractions
4) Every Llama Fantasizes
5) Eat Lopsided Fritters
6) Embarrassed, Leonard Froze
7) Eccentric Ladies First
8) Excited Lawn Furniture
9) Eternity = Long Future
10) Expect Lewd Flashing
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Manic Monday: Tree

The winter winds howl and sing
So cold I can't feel anything
Might be better for me
If I hid in a tree
And slept all the way until spring

I crawled on the limb in despair
In hopes I could hibernate there
I shivered... then what?
Just got shot in the butt
Some hunter thought I was a bear

Is that your warm cabin I see?
Can I come in? I've gotta pee.
I'll only stay
Til the first week in May
Will you share your hot chocolate with me?

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It's what I do

I had Friday off, and of course I have Saturday and Sunday off.
Friday's winter storm made it unwise to go out driving around for no reason, so.... I've been sitting here at home, slowly marinating in my bathrobe, trying to maintain a semi-reasonable level of sanity.
Here are some things I've done to keep myself busy:

1. Feebly attempt to keep the cats from wrecking the place. I only had limited success with this one. They laughed in my general direction, and I still felt compelled to feed them anyway. This is known as "being a sucker cat lover".

2. Respond to blog comments, wondering if people ever actually go back and read what I said.

3. Consider creating a new language, through which I may communicate with radishes and porcupines. They might have the solution to global warming. Or they can at least tell me what happened to all the socks I keep losing.

4. Made more flair for that Facebook thingy.

5. Wonder if it's possible to make a cake shaped like a bottle of hand sanitizer... and if anyone has ever tried to do so, and what the occasion was. ("Congratulations, Billy, on being slightly-less-germy for a whole month now!")

6. Craved a really good mushroom-and-swiss burger... with a dish of macaroni and cheese on the side. I craved it so much that I briefly considered actually making it myself. :)
Then, of course, I came to my senses, and went back to talking to the radishes.
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Janna tries chutney (and mangles the Canadian language)

Picture this:

Somewhere up in Saskatchewan, a bottle of barbecue sauce falls in love with a bottle of sweet-and-sour sauce. They live together for awhile, and start talking about getting married, but then the sweet-and-sour sauce has an affair with a bottle of worcestershire sauce.
Sweet-and-sour gets pregnant, and is not entirely sure who the father is.
So, when the kid is born, they all go on the Jerry Springer show and shout and throw chairs at each other before agreeing to do a paternity test.

That is exactly what tamarind chutney tastes like.

I know, because I've just tried it for the very first time in my entire life.

As you may remember from this post, Gwen sent me some to try.
This afternoon, with the help of a few chicken tenders, I did exactly that.

(Note: the rest of this post will be written in Canadian, as per Gwen's request.)
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With all candour, I can honestly say that the flavour of chutney is intriguing. Let me endeavour to describe it. It's savoury, sweet, and tangy. I've heard rumours that some kinds are hot and super-spicy, but these were not. Not in the slightest. (That's ok. I harbour no ill will. I promise.)

Gwen sent two different kinds of tamarind chutney, and a bottle of green chili chutney.
She also sent a bottle of "sauce flambeau," which I guess is French for "hot sauce."

The sauce flambeau is your basic pourable hot sauce: semi-thick, tomato-based, and maybe slightly warm, but not truly hot. Still, it would probably be good on fajitas or tacos... or stirred into Spanish rice.

The green chili chutney (bright green colour) looks exactly like salsa verde mixed with pesto. Curiously, that's also what it tastes like. The predominant flavour (and odour) is chili peppers and garlic. I imagine this could be good stirred into taco meat. I can also see myself dipping tortilla chips into it, possibly after mixing it in with some cheese.

The tamarind chutney was more savoury and tangy. I have to admit, the texture was different from what I was expecting. I imagined it being thick and chunky, like the texture of salsa. But it was smooth and pourable, like tomato sauce. It was good with the chicken, and I imagine it would also be decent on bratwurst, steak, and maybe even a vegetable stir-fry with rice.
Of the two kinds of tamarind chutney I got, I think my favourite is the Shah brand.

Well worth spending a few loonies and toonies on!
Thank you, Gwen!
Er, I mean, masi, Gwen!
I feel honoured.

P.S.: My knowledge of the "Canadian language" was derived entirely from these two websites. If I have mangled it entirely, please don't send me to the Queen's hotel. I'm hoping my Canadian readers have a good sense of humour, eh?
You know I love all of you. Even if some of you eat poutine.
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One last post before I become buried in a glacier

We're supposed to get a big snow/ice storm pretty soon.
It'll hit just after midnight, and will last til we're all whimpering for mercy by candlelight as our power lines snap under the pressure.
Or at least until noon. (Whichever comes first.)

Luckily, I don't have to go to work Friday. So it's perfectly ok if I just sit here at home and waste time spend the day doing something constructive.
If the power goes out, I won't be able to blog, of course.
Assuming I survive that inhumane deprivation, I'll post again as soon as I'm able.

With any luck, I'll be back tomorrow, same as usual, saying something like "Cool! Guess what! It wasn't nearly as bad as we all feared!"

On the other hand, if you don't hear from me for three days, please send a few sled dogs over here to look for me. Or maybe one of those Saint Bernard dogs with a big barrel of hot chocolate. :)

To see a radar shot of the storm that's hitting me, check out my Jantrails post.
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There may be a test later

A couple weeks ago I did a post where I listed various anti-spam "words" I'd found.
I gave them silly definitions or used them in sentences. They weren't real words, but they almost looked like they could be, with a little love and nurturing and questionable logic.
Here's another batch, just for you. :)
I like to think of it as "compiling the Jannapedia".

FRAILIC (Almost like Gaelic, but not quite as strong)

SEEKEDJ (Really! He's there! Seek him!)

DISITTI (Dare's too much noise in dis place. Look at all da lights. I hate diSitti.)

COSUER (Someone who participates in a class action lawsuit... a co-suer)

HOORSES (They use hoorses hoooves to make glooooo!)

GRALO (Jello with gravel in it)

BETAR (i em feelling betar now tht the diarea is gone)

REDIT (The book was long and boring but I redit anyway).

UNTLI (How a dyslexic person spells "until")

TOMMIS (Tommis Eddasen inventid teh lite bulb.)

ROWEEXP (The sound you make when you accidentally sit on a plate full of jello)

PUMOTE (I wud pumote yu to a bettr job positian if only yur speling waznt so bad)

PYRATO (Half pyromaniac, half tomato. This means a lot of burnt ketchup).
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The gratitude has seeped all the way into my liver

I've gotten some packages in the mail lately, and it's time I said thank you. Some of these thanks are overdue, so please excuse me.

Last June/July, I won some kind of contest/comment thing over at The Blog Of Whall. It's been so long that I forgot what exactly I did to win. :) My prize was a Dilbert book (Journey To Cubeville). I love Dilbert. I just received the book a couple weeks ago. As Whall said in his handwritten dedication on the inside cover, "my adoration for you is matched only by my procrastination." Thank you, Whall. I've read the entire book (some parts twice!) and I love it. :)

Way back in.... well, quite a few months ago, I won an art contest over at Morgetron's blog, and my prize consisted of various intriguing things, including a book on the philosophy of Stoicism. Dorks (like me) love intellectual stuff like that. Thank you, Morgetron. If I ever win Final Jeopardy with a question on Stoicism, I will seriously consider sharing my winnings with you before I inevitably end up blowing it all on chocolate and fountain pens instead. :)

Then, in October, I got randomly chosen to receive chocolate by commenting on the Crotchety Old Man's blog. Because our postal system screwed up, though, he had to send it three times before I actually got it. Not sure what happened there. But the truffles did finally arrive. Yummy stuff. Thank you, Crotchety, for your generosity and persistence!! :)

Then, of course, we have Gwen. She and I were chatting on Facebook one day, and she happened to mention chutney. I'd never had chutney, and wasn't entirely sure what it was. Gwen offered to send me some.
I just got the package today! It's right here next to me.
Thank you, Gwen.
So, stay tuned, I will soon be doing a post where I try chutney for the very first time.
I promised her I would write it "in Canadian", so I'll have to work on my translation skills. :)
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Full of Flair.... or something like that

Facebook has this thing called Flair, or "Get Flair," or something like that.
It's where you send friends these round shiny buttons with fun pictures or sayings on them.
People had been sending them to me for a few months before I finally decided to add the application last night.
I had fun browsing through the variety of things I could send people.

And then I noticed that it's possible to upload your own artwork and make your own shiny cyber-buttons with your own sayings on them.
I couldn't resist.

See? You upload the artwork and it changes it into cute shiny glassy little buttons. You then use those buttons to annoy all your friends at once and distract them from all the important things they really should be doing instead.

It's great fun. I highly recommend it, if you're the type of person who enjoys nonsense for no reason.

Here are some more I made:




So, if you're browsing around the Facebook "Flair" thingy, and you see those, you can point excitedly and shout "Oooh! Janna made that!"
If friends or family or co-workers happen to be nearby, try to convince them it's really important.
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Things I would do if I had a time machine

1) Go back in time and scare Michael Jackson to death with a picture of what he will eventually look like.

2) Go forward in time and enjoy the sight of Barney the Dinosaur finally decomposed into fuel oil.

3) Go back to 1984 and buy a hundred cases of Dimension shampoo, because I LOVED the scent, and so of course they eventually took it off the market. (Maybe because it made some people's hair fall out.) Still, it smelled good. That's what's important, right? You'd still read my blog if I was bald, right?
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Will you still love me if I repeat myself?

This week's Manic Monday theme is "candle".
I love scented candles, and I know I've posted various things about them in the past.

For example, here are some things I've said:

1. February 26, 2008:
"If there was a scented candle called "The sweat of my enemies as they scream whilst falling to their deaths into a deep dark giant pit", I think it would be quite popular. There could even be matching air fresheners for the car. And bathroom spray."

2. Random item mentioned on March 9, 2007:
"Blueberry scented candle in a corner of the Emergency Room, recently removed from an unmentionable orifice on some unfortunate person named Phil. (Hint: The candle is no longer quite as blueberry-scented as it used to be.)"

3. And this is from September 30, 2008:
"I hate cheap candles that don't have any scent at all. Especially when they claim to have a scent. The only thing they're good for is returning to the manufacturer and shoving into his various orifices while you shout 'Can you smell it now? How about NOW?'"

4. On June 26, 2008, I mentioned the possibility of lighting a candle to mourn the loss of the Chicken Club Chalupa from the Taco Bell menu.

But the first thing I thought of, while wondering what to post for today, was this cartoon I showed you back on January 3, 2007... almost two years ago:

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ok... sort of

I've written and re-written and erased and re-written this post about 5 times so far, so here's hoping this time is the last one.

Our Friday concert went ok.
And, by "ok," I mean there was no spontaneous combustion or natural disaster or outbreak of deadly contagious disease. Vampire bats did not descend upon the concert hall, nor was there an attack of zombie kangaroos from hell. There were no schizophrenic supermodels threatening to kill us all if we stole their imaginary salad, nor did anyone fire up a chainsaw during the Bach fugue.

I survived.

There was more I wanted to say about what happened at ABC group afterward, but I just don't have the heart. I give up.

Right now I think I just want to curl up in a warm bed with some warm cats and hopefully dream of a world where things are better than just "ok".

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(P.S. Imaginary salad is free and has no calories; of COURSE people are going to try and steal it.)
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Wish me luck, or something remarkably similar

Tonight, (Friday December 12th) is our band concert.
Think of me from 7:00 til about 9:00 or so.
(Eastern Time).
One of the things we'll be playing is a quintet I wrote.

If anything awful happens, I have an escape plan.
I've been practicing spontaneous combustion all week.
Here's hoping I don't get any pieces of me on the audience.
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Thirteen More Twitters from Days Gone By

1) I have been awake all night. It's almost 4:30 in the morning and I am so tired I could spray paint a panda. See, that made no sense. 03:24 AM August 09, 2008

2) I wish grapefruit flavored gummi bears existed. 12:46 AM August 12, 2008

3) My blog is two years old. You'd think it'd be potty-trained by now. 02:39 AM August 13, 2008

4) I love tea. Tea tea tea. I am obsessed with tea. Tea. Is it tea time yet? You know, you could probably shut me up by giving me some tea. 06:20 PM August 13, 2008

5) So tired. I don't even have enough energy to crush a gnat. 12:37 AM August 15, 2008

6) I do, however, apparently still have the energy to fart loud enough to make the cats stare. 12:38 AM August 15, 2008

7) Drinking tea in the cemetery at sunset. I brought cookies, too! Come join me! 07:29 PM August 17, 2008

8) Apparently there's this thing called "sleep" that people do now and then. I'm curious. It sounds lovely. Maybe someday I'll get to try it. 03:31 AM August 19, 2008

9) My feet stink. Just thought you should know. 07:46 PM August 19, 2008

10) Watching Popeye cartoons and realizing that Bluto looks just like Avitable. 04:23 AM August 23, 2008

11) I'm home! Home home home! Did you miss me? (NOTE: This is where you lie convincingly and say "Yes") 12:04 PM August 23, 2008

12) In a parking lot, listening to the radio, full of tea and chalupas. Later on I will be peeing AND farting. 09:38 PM August 23, 2008

13) Humidity is evil. Sorta like tailgaters covered in chunky rotten milk 4 months past the exp date. With a cat turd on top. And taxes. 09:55 PM August 23, 2008
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Wordless Wednesday

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Let's just pretend I'm totally normal

Yesterday I got meme-tagged by a total stranger! I've decided to view this as a good thing. Either my blog is gaining readers, or that "stalker-of-the-month club" wasn't such a rip-off after all.

So, thanks to QuirkyLoon, I must now tell you seven weird things about myself. I think I may have done this meme before.... let's see....
Yes. I did it over at Jantics, last January.
And here's a different one, where I posted nine weird things about me back in October 2006.

So I'll do my best to post seven more things.

1. I love cookies, but will NOT eat raw cookie dough because I know it usually has raw eggs in it. I would never eat a plain raw egg in all its slimy slippery ooozy glory; the very thought gags me. So, logically, I can't stand eating anything with raw eggs in it. I promise I will never fight you to the death over a tube of raw cookie dough. You can have it. Take it. (TAKE it!!!)

2. In a similar vein, I used to love mixed drinks that had sour mix in them (e.g. whiskey sours, amaretto sours) until I learned that sour mix is sometimes made with raw egg whites. Really. Here's one recipe that has it. Here's another. And another. Because I can't stand the thought of drinking raw eggs, I no longer have these drinks at all anymore.

3. The same goes for mayonnaise. I can't stand the taste of mayo, I can't stand the smell of mayo, AND it has raw eggs in it. Ack. Plus I'm pretty sure it's also made from the popped zits of Satan.

4. When I pump gas, I feel best if the total ends in zeroes. (example: $17.00). Failing that, the next best thing is for it to be a multiple of 50 cents. (example: $18.50). If I'm off by a cent, it bothers me, as if I have sullied the perfection of the beautiful pristine zero. Monday afternoon I pumped a total of $12.25 and I still don't feel quite right about it. Please hug me.

5. I like the scent of men's deodorant better than the scent of women's deodorant. Sometimes I will actually wear men's deodorant. Hey, why not; it works just as well, plus it doesn't make me smell like somebody dumped a tacky perfume bottle over my pores.

6. I once ran over a snake with a lawnmower... and I have to guiltily admit that I kinda enjoyed it. Snakes are fine as long as they're either (a) in escape-proof enclosures (b) on other continents, or (c) dead. I could probably enjoy petting one of those giant anaconda things, but not one of those slinky little garter snakes. Too quick, too sneaky, too much potential for surprising me. And I like the contents of my bladder right where they are, thank you very much.

7. I love putting tabasco sauce on fish sticks. (And, yes, actually eating them afterward).
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Manic Monday: Light

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Somewhat sort of maybe slightly similar

I spent most of Saturday with a headache.
While waiting for the Excedrin to work, I squandered a few precious hours of life over at Yahoo Avatar, trying to create a likeness of myself.
And I suppose, maybe, in some freaky alternate universe, this might conceivably look like me.
My hair is curlier, and I wear the ponytail higher, and my evil robot has more legs. I love sandals but I hate the kind that slice your toes in half.
I WISH I was this skinny.

Let's try a different one...

Here I am in a trench coat, after a long day of flashing unsuspecting bystanders. Apparently I had to bury a few unfortunate victims who couldn't handle the shock. It's so annoying when that happens.

One more....

Here I am as an anorexic vampire with butterfly wings who happened to get lost in a blizzard.

I'm strangely attracted to this one...

Apparently, so is my cat.

Post which jumps around randomly from topic to topic

Here I am!
I couldn't post earlier because my ISP wouldn't let me get online.
(Insert disgruntled noise here)

But hey, I'm here now.
And I have marvelous news.
Someone has bought a variety of items from my JannaMart post!

It's amazing how much more appreciated you feel after someone has bought an autographed square of your underwear.

Today I learned that no matter how much you might be craving ice cream, you should not have any when it's 13 degrees outside (with a wind chill of 2 degrees above zero). You will only be left shivering and muttering incoherent fantasies about bathing in hot chocolate with marshmallows.

On a completely unrelated note, here's a picture of a guy wearing a costume that resembles a dead rat in a trap. Not sure why he doesn't seem to have any arms.

Source

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Thirteen things that would be inconvenient to lose in four feet of snow

1. Contact lenses
2. Shredded coconut
3. Your mind
4. Engagement ring
5. Winning lottery ticket
6. Cell phone
7. 65 cents in change
8. Ice cube
9. Gerbil
10. Credit card
11. Prozac
12. Car keys
13. Your virginity
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Wordless Wednesday

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It's not too late!

Guess how many people ordered stuff from yesterday's post!
Go on, guess!
I'll give you a clue: It has a lot of zeros!
Unfortunately, ALL the numbers are zeros.
Nobody ordered anything.
So please pardon me while I sink into a pit of seasonal despondency. I'll be over here in the corner, muttering nonsensical gibberish in a faint monotone while I prepare to throw stale peanuts at anyone who sings Jingle Bells within a 6 foot radius.
I'll either be naked or wearing an elf suit (haven't decided yet).
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Welcome to JannaMart

Today's Manic Monday theme is shop/shopping.
So I'm taking this opportunity to invite all of you to do your holiday shopping here at the Jannaverse.
That's right; for a surprisingly small investment, you can get Janna-based collectibles, perfect for the eccentric people on your list (or the people who just don't care).
And remember, these will certainly increase in value after I kick the bucket. (Stay tuned!)

Choose from these fine offerings:

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A) Extra large paper clip I made out of 16-gauge wire (about 3 in. from top to bottom): $3.00

B) Autographed rock which has been in my bra for at least 6 hours: $4.00 (will be somewhere between the size of a walnut and an apricot)

C) Autographed square of my old underwear: $3.00 (on sale!)

D) Glossy picture of annoyingly attractive model, torn from magazine, with cat hair glued in strategic areas to suggest mustaches, armpit hair, and/or other body hair possibilities: $2.00 (includes autograph and snarky comment for no additional charge!)

E) Mini-collage I made from cutting up old magazines, pasted or taped onto a 4" x 6" sheet of colored paper (autographed): $1.50

F) Miscellaneous item in my home: $8.00 (I will send some random item that's laying around my humble abode. While I promise it won't be total garbage, I also can't promise it will be anything you want either. Or maybe it will be something you've always wanted! Are you ready to take the chance? C'mon! Try me!)

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If you'd like to place an order, here's how to reach me. And here's how to pay.
I look forward to hearing from each and every one of you....

Oh, and please add a dollar for shipping.
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