Have you ever....

Have you ever wanted to marry a comic book character? Here's a guy who's petitioning to actually make that legal.

Have you ever wondered how many times an article could include the phrase "third testicle"? Here, try THIS one....

Have you ever been in a restaurant and convinced your friend to let you taste just a little bite of something they ordered? Apparently some restaurants will get pissy about that. Here's a guy who ended up in jail after he let his wife take just a few bites of stuff on his plate.

Have you ever been frustrated with gas prices? Try to fight the urge to fire gunshots at the gasoline pump.
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Thirteen things the letters NCIS could stand for

1. Never Choose Instant Sanity
2. Need Colonoscopy? Internet Search!
3. Near Canada I Shiver
4. Norman's Charmin Is Squeezed
5. Nap Constantly! Infinite Sleep!
6. Nerds Can Invent Software
7. New Children Imitate Slugs
8. Nestle Chocolate Is Sweet
9. Nematodes Congregate In Seawater
10. Needles Can Inject Stuff
11. 'Net Connection: Intermittent Sobbing
12. Nasty Colons Internally Squirm
13. Nerf Crap Is Soft
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The Bunnyhug Mystery

Monday night I was chatting with Gwen on Facebook.
Gwen is from Canada. Saskatchewan, to be precise. I happened to mention that one of our ABC group people (Kyle #2, also known as "Fred" or "McKitty") is also Canadian, originally from Saskatchewan.

She said I should mention the word "bunnyhug" to him, and completely freak him out. Apparently that's a special word over in Saskatchewan which refers to those hooded sweatshirts with pockets in front.

Gwen assured me that Kyle would be so surprised to hear a non-Canadian using this word.

So, when I saw Kyle Tuesday night, I said "It's chilly enough for a bunnyhug!"

He appeared totally clueless, with no idea what I'd just said.
"Okay....." was his response, after an awkward pause.

I then had to awkwardly explain the whole thing.
He swore he had never heard of the word bunnyhug. Ever.

So, this leaves a few possibilities to consider...
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Possibility #1. Kyle did not really grow up in Saskatchewan after all; he could be in the witness protection program after testifying in court against a Colombian druglord who is trying to hunt him down and drown him in a vat of Tim Horton's coffee.
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Possibility #2. Kyle is really an evil alien from Neptune who will have to hunt ME down and kill me, now that I have figured out his secret.
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Possibility #3. Kyle knew all along what the word meant, and he is merely screwing with me because he secretly gets giddily excited by the sight of me squirming awkwardly in public.
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Possibility #4. I dreamed the entire thing, and will wake up in a few hours in a puddle of my own drool.
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Possibility #5. I would think maybe Gwen is screwing with me, but there are all these websites which confirm that yes indeed, the term "bunnyhug" is a Saskatchewanian word for a hooded sweatshirt.
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Here's an entire Facebook group devoted to the use of the word "bunnyhug".
Here's an online Canadian-terminology glossary which includes the word.
Here's an article in the Star Phoenix which discusses the topic.
Here's where you can buy a bunnyhug from the University Of Saskatchewan's online store.
And, of course, here it is in the Urban Dictionary.

If you're reading this and you're from Saskatchewan, PLEASE tell me you've heard of this word!

Hurry, before I wake up in a puddle of my own drool.
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Counting my blessings... at least in the bathroom

No matter how lousy my day/week/year has been so far, I can at least be grateful that my arm hasn't been sucked down a toilet on a high-speed train.
This guy, however, wasn't quite so lucky.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7693386.stm

I can also be glad that my head hasn't gotten stuck in a toilet, with a hydraulic toilet lid nearly crushing my neck.
This guy, though, well.... not quite as fortunate.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/west_midlands/3937549.stm
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Inventions that might make me rich someday

1. Velcro underwear that attaches to your butt hair (just be careful when you take it off)

2. Ghost alarm that lets you know when that sound was NOT "just the wind".

3. Nail polish that smells like bacon

4. Shampoo which stops loved ones from singing in the shower
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Another bad tattoo idea

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Janna's obsession continues....

I bought some new barbecue sauce the other day.
Other people have exciting lives where they take expensive vacations to faraway lands and swim with dolphins and meet millionaire movie stars....
I get excited by spending a quiet evening at home, trying new kinds of barbecue sauce.
What can I say. It's cheaper than plane tickets.

Anyway, I have some chicken in the oven right now, and I'm about to try this sauce for the very first time. I'll blog about my impressions immediately afterward.

Here are the kinds I'll be trying:
1) Famous Dave's "Devil's Spit". The bottle says "XXX Hot", so of course I had to try it.

2) Sticky Fingers "Habanero Hot". The bottle says "Meek taste buds beware!"

3) Uncle Dougie's "Bang Zoom!" This isn't really a BBQ sauce; it's more of a simple hot sauce. Still I had to try it anyway. The bottle says it has "Out of this world heat, and exploding flavor".

Talk amongst yourselves while we wait for the chicken to finish cooking....
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Done!
Are you excited???
If not, start pretending!
Here we go!

First I'm going to try the Devil's Spit.

(*dip* *munch* *chew chewchew*)

Eh. It's ok. Maybe slightly hotter than the average BBQ sauce, but nothing that makes my heart soar with joy. Not bad, not superb, just "eh."
It's really tangy, and there seems to be a celery-like aftertaste to it, like they made sure to add a good dose of celery salt.
It would probably be good in vegetarian recipes, like a batch of baked beans.

Not exactly hot, but maybe a good medium.
It's shameful that they call it "XXX hot".
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Next, it's time to try the Sticky Fingers.
(I love how dirty that sounds).

(*dip* *chomp* *chewchew*)

Ah, yes, now this has a better flavor, and it's slightly hotter. Pretty good. My nose is running. Not bad! This is somewhere between a high medium and a wussy "hot".
This would be good on ribs. And cheeseburgers. Or, if you're a vegetarian, it might be fun to bake some crispy potato wedges and dip them in it.
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And, finally, let's try Uncle Dougie's "Bang Zoom".

(*dip* *slurp* *munch munch*)

Hmmmm.
Kind of vinegary, with an opening taste of habanero and chipotle. (Which makes sense, since those are the first two ingredients). Needs more garlic, I think. And I'd like it to be a little sweeter.
This would be decent mixed in with some chili, or perhaps some taco meat. I can also imagine it in a bean burrito.
It's not that great as a dip for chicken.

I tried mixing it in with the BBQ sauces, and the result was better.
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Thank you all for humoring me yet again as I continue my quest for the perfect "HOT" experience.
Hopefully you all took notes, because there may be a test later.
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Thirteen things the letters LCD could stand for

1. Lemon Cherry Dessert
2. Lemurs Can't Decide
3. Luxurious Chamomile Donuts
4. Love Cheese, Dammit!
5. Lemmings Crave Death
6. Lost Chihuahua Droppings
7. Let's Clap Decisively
8. Leather: Cheerfully Durable!
9. Learn Chinese, Dennis!
10. Laxatives Cause Disgust
11. Lips Can Drool
12. Lemon Chicken Drumsticks
13. Like Champagne? Drink!
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P.S. Don't forget that today is my monthly post over at the Stache. This time it's about me keeping my cell phone in my bra.
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Wordless Wednesday

Various Thoughts

1) I wonder why there aren't any constellations shaped like Johnny Depp.

2) Thirty years ago, I was eight years old. Things went downhill from there.

3) Oreos don't really excite me; I like cookies that are soft and chewy. Once in a great while I'll get in a mood when I want to dunk some Oreos in milk, but that's only about once or twice a year.

4) The expensive ice cream stand in Jonesville has mango as its soft serve flavor this week.

5) So, if x+27 = 2x-y, and 3z = x-y, then z = 9. Of course!
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The Heart Attack Grill

On Thursday I blogged about some cravings I have. Cravings for stuff that would probably make my heart shriek in horror if I actually sat down and had everything on the list at the same meal.

Still, it might not be as bad as this:
There's a restaurant in Chandler, Arizona, called The Heart Attack Grill.
They call themselves the home of the "Double Bypass Burger," and their slogan is "Taste worth dying for!"



Actually, you can choose between a Single, Double, Triple, or Quadruple Bypass Burger.
They've got giant beef patties, tomato, onion, special sauce, bacon, and two different kinds of cheese.
Lettuce is discouraged, (vitamins, health, blechh) but they'll put it on if you really want it there.

The quadruple bypass has two pounds of beef, four layers of cheese and 12 slices of bacon--and 8000 calories. .... Eight. Thousand. (!!!)

Here's a picture of one of them.
Can you imagine taking a BITE out of this?


The french fries are cooked in pure lard and are called "Flatliner Fries".
They sell Jolt Cola (with double the caffeine of Coke) and Lucky Strike cigarettes (the no-filter kind). They also sell donuts, beer, and hard liquor.
Diet Coke is not allowed.

The waitresses are all called "nurses" and they dress in nurse costumes. (obviously it's just a joke, yet some real nurse groups have gotten bent out of shape about it.) The owner actually had to put a disclaimer on his site, making sure people know his waitresses aren't real nurses. Nurses also complained that the sexy costumes somehow cheapened the nursing profession. (In my opinion, it's no different from what tons of people do on Halloween anyway).

An order is called a "prescription." (The "balanced breakfast prescription" is a pack of cigarettes and a donut)

Customers are referred to as "patients". (If you are able to finish a triple or quadruple bypass burger, one of the "nurses" will actually wheel you out to your car in a wheelchair. Here's a picture.)

The owner is Jon Basso, who calls himself "Dr. Jon". He says he created the place with the intention of serving "nutritional pornography; food so bad for you it's shocking."

I think he did a good job. I think it's funny, I love how he went to such extremes, and I think people have enough common sense to know the difference between a real nurse and a waitress wearing a nurse costume. I think it's pointless for the activist groups to complain about the sexy, skimpy nurse costumes, because, like it or not, this IS a fantasy a lot of men have. It's NOT going to change anytime soon, so this restaurant is using that simple fact to its advantage because it draws customers.
As for the 8000-calorie aspect of it, well, it's a free country and people can eat where they choose. They know what they're getting themselves into because each burger comes with a warning label on the basket-liner. (Heh! Really, it does!)

Here's their official website, and here's the Wikipedia entry about it.
Here they are on YouTube. And here's an article on Entrepreneur.com.

I have to admit, it is tempting.
If I ever went to Arizona, I would have to go there, just to try it.

In case you're interested, I'd get a double, with no onions or sauce. (Ketchup and mustard, yes. Mayo-based crap, no.)
I'd also try the fries, and probably a bottle of Jolt on the side.
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Who ARE these guys?

Here's a blog with only one post, yet it has 301 comments so far.
It asks one simple question:

Who ARE these guys?
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Plus fiber! And iron! And granola!

Once in awhile, I get in a mood where I want to take vitamins. I'll buy a bottle of one-a-days, and imagine that I'm doing something incredible which will heal all my wounds and make me so mind-bogglingly healthy I won't die until I'm 217.
I always end up being disappointed, though, because after the whole bottle is gone, and I've been taking them every day for who-knows-how-long, I never feel any different. No better, no worse. No miraculous healings, no fairy godmother that has offered to triple my life span, not even a mysterious talking rash shaped like the Surgeon General.

Anyway, I'm hoping that we can somehow invent super versions of vitamins that really will do amazing things, plus a few things we can now only dream of. Just imagine:

The Incredi-Vita Pill,
coming to a drugstore near you in 2014:

Vitamin A will enable you to talk your way out of a speeding ticket.
Vitamin B will keep you from farting in libraries.
Vitamin C will increase your blog's comments by 50%.
Vitamin D will insure that you are next in line at the DMV.
Vitamin E will keep you from being romantically attracted to scarecrows, unless of course you're interested in that sort of thing.
Vitamin F will enable you to watch constant political ads during election season without going crazy.
Vitamin G will make your armpits smell like strawberries.
Vitamin H, unfortunately, will make your breath smell like your armpits used to. So we probably won't include Vitamin H in the package. But all the other ones sound like a pretty cool idea.
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I'm not pregnant, I swear

No, really. (Despite what you might think after reading last Saturday's post.)

On Sunday night I went to the store and realized I was craving pickles.
And not just any pickles. I wanted the ones that are in the refrigerated section. The extra crunchy ones that are advertised by that stork with the Groucho Marx accent.
I wanted to be immersed in that cold, garlicky, pickley crunch.
So I got a jar of them-- an entire quart.
And I couldn't even wait til I got home.
I sat in the parking lot and ate half a quart of cold pickles.
Half a quart!

They were delicious.

Rest assured I usually do not crave jars of pickles. I don't know what came over me.

Did I mention I'm positive I'm not pregnant?

Here are thirteen things I'm much more likely to crave.
Since most of them have a quintillion calories, I don't have them very often.
But I can dream.

1. Tacos
Either from a restaurant or homemade. Plenty of hot sauce and cheese. The very best are at this Mexican Restaurant in Adrian MI called "El Chapaulin" ("The Grasshopper").

2. Crab Cakes
I can be bribed very easily with crab cakes. Make a note.

3. Fettucine Alfredo
Especially if it's from The Olive Garden.

4. Shrimp Scampi with rice pilaf
Lots of garlic and butter and a few calories sprinkled on top for good measure.

5. Bacon Barbecue Cheeseburgers
My own recipe. A cheeseburger with lotsa bacon, topped with barbecue sauce. Artery blockage in convenient hand-held form!

6. Lemon Bars
I can't make them, but I love them. Especially when they're extra lemony.

7. General Tso's Chicken
Extra hot and spicy, please. Bonus points if there's an egg roll with it.

8. Spaghetti and Meatballs
Just the basic recipe, with plenty of parmesan cheese and garlic bread.

9. Sweet and Sour Meatballs
Those party thingies you find in a crock pot? Yum. Spear me a few dozen and set me on a sofa somewhere.

10. Swedish Meatballs
Are you noticing a "meatball" theme here? Feel free to analyze this during your free time.

11. Tuna Casserole
Not just any tuna casserole. It has to be my grandmother's recipe, which is cheesy and creamy and exceedingly yummy.

12. Hot fudge sundae made with Haagen Dazs chocolate ice cream and at least three maraschino cherries, with Dove hot fudge lovingly poured over the whole thing in a warm choco-gasm of joy.
I think I gained three pounds just by writing that.

13. BBQ Ribs
Proud carnivore since 1970. Pass the napkins.
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And now I feel like I need to eat salads for a week, to make up for writing this list.
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Wordless Wednesday

Close Quarters

You've probably heard about how guys don't like to pee next to each other in a public bathroom. They purposely choose the urinal that is furthest away from any other guy.
Here's a test that covers this topic extensively.

Last year I posted a video that explains why this is so important.

What I want to know is this...

If men are never, ever supposed to be standing next to each other when they're peeing, then why on earth did someone design a bathroom with THIS:
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Spread the word!

You will all be interested to learn that the moon isn't real.
It's made of styrofoam, and a helicopter dangles it in the sky.
No, really. It's on the Internet, so it must be true....

(**struggling to keep a straight face**)

Here, read all about it....

http://www.thenetw0rk.com/news/2003_03_moon.shtml

Well, I'M convinced....
How about you? :)
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I'm here now! (Wait... maybe not...)

This afternoon I visited my grandmother and gave her a manicure. Her nails are now pretty and pink and shiny.
Mine are bright yellow with black polka dots. It's ok, though; I painted them that way on purpose. I'm going for the "strange incurable disease" look.

Anyway, I left my computer on while I was gone because I was waiting for a video to download.
When I got home, the video was done, I watched it, and all was well with the world.

(Well, except for that whole economic crisis thing; I guess that's still a problem. Whatever.)

I also noticed that I'd left a Facebook window open. This means that possibly some friends had tried chatting with me in my absence, only to find silence instead. Actually, now that I think about it, this could've happened in the past as well; there are quite a few times when I leave the computer on if I'm going into town for a moment. People may see that thing at the bottom of the Facebook screen which says how many friends are online, and my name shows up... but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm really here.
If this happened to you, I promise I wasn't ignoring you and I don't hate you.

(*pause*)

Well, there's a 97.3% chance I don't hate you.
And those are pretty good odds.
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Eat cheese responsibly

There's a slight possibility that if you eat Swiss cheese while under a 25-foot pine tree, translating the last page of the most recent issue of The New Yorker into Romanian, you just might be able to become invisible while reading the minds of turtles. Be careful, though, because there's also a chance you might accidentally get pregnant.
Let me know how that works out for you.
I'm afraid to try, myself.
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Because it's never too early for bacon

I hate getting up in the morning.
So when my alarm clock goes off, those first few thoughts are not exactly fit for public consumption.
Maybe it would be slightly different if I had THIS clock. I found it while websurfing, and have been meaning to blog about it for a few weeks now.
It's called the "Wake-n-Bacon".
Instead of waking you up with just a noise, it wakes you up with the smell of fresh cooked bacon.
Yes, real actual bacon that you can eat.
You put a frozen slice of bacon in it the night before, and it starts cooking ten minutes before you want to wake up.
Not bad for a pig-shaped wooden box, huh?
Now, if I can just find some that also cook eggs and ham and sausage... and maybe some French toast.
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One down, twelve to go

Thirteen things to do when I get bored

1) Photoshop a zebra's head onto a cat's body

2) Throw penguins at people who are facing northeast

3) Move to Canada

4) Buy a new toilet plunger and name it "Lucky"

5) Make quilts out of poison ivy (Note to self: Wear gloves)

6) Marry expired coupons to each other in elaborate ceremonies

7) Do etch-a-sketch drawings of the molecular structure of chocolate

8) Drink a gallon of tea and try to pee my name into the driveway before a car drives by

9) Find out the maximum number of prunes I can eat (Note to self: Buy "Lucky" first)

10) Loudly admire giant pickles in the grocery store

11) Mail skunks to disgruntled postal workers

12) Play "ring toss" using old bicycle tires and random people on the street

13) Pick three commenters at random and stalk them until next Wednesday
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Sedimentary legume hockey with frosting

It's about two in the morning and I JUST got back from ABC group.
My brain is fried from an overdose of yummy pasta alfredo, plus there was a lengthy conversation about computer stuff which I barely understood. I have perfected the art of staring off into the distance while remembering to blink occasionally.
I can barely string together coherent words into sentences, and I have to get up for work in less than six hours.
Electric squash temple. Mellifluous sidewinder packet. Light amphibian jockstrap sale.
Here... maybe I should just post a picture.
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Operation Comrade McNugget

There is nothing to tell you today.
My inspiration is moonlighting as a Russian spy who works 2nd shift at a McDonalds in Kiev, and I haven't heard anything from it since last night.
There's a slight possibility the CIA might have found out about my secret plan to turn bodily gases into sentient beings. I had almost gotten to the point where my farts could crawl, but that's it.
Clearly further research is needed, provided I don't end up in federal prison instead.
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Insert Leafy Title Here

Various Thoughts Involving Leaves:

1. Hint for those on the Food Network who like wrapping things in grape leaves: That's not the part of the grape plant you're supposed to eat.

2. More people would eat salads if the leaves glowed neon green and made our pee glow neon green for an hour afterward. (Kids especially would love this)

3. On the other hand, if french fries had leaves, no one would ever eat them again. There are some things ketchup just can not fix.

4. If clothes were made entirely out of leaves, it would be really easy to accidentally rip our pants when we bent over. Plus we'd have to watch out for bugs.
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For a unique political solution involving leaves and munchies, check out my Jantics post.
For a peek into my childhood which involves dirt and leaves, check out Jantrails.
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I'll cover my mouth next time

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Math Problem For Today

If Janna is looking out her windshield at an object 30 feet away which is 30 feet tall and forms a perfect isosceles triangle, then how many times will the car behind her have to honk before she realizes the light has turned green?
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Thirteen things I have never seen suspended in a vat of jello

1. Two-headed yak
2. Number Two pencil
3. Dick Cheney
4. Welcome mat
5. Pregnancy test
6. Curtains
7. Crescent wrench
8. Blue daisies
9. Rear view mirror
10. Chihuahua ("Yo Quiero Jello")
11. Jock strap
12. Starfish with only four arms
13. Extension cord
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BTW, if any of you are wondering how I'm doing with this cold/virus/evil-gypsy-curse, my recent Jantrails post explains it pretty well.
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He was here last week....

Somewhere on the planet is a peacock named Herman.
He has secretly discovered the answers to all the mysteries that have puzzled astrophysicists. He speaks ten languages fluently and knows exactly how to reverse global warming completely within the next six years.
But, more importantly, he is delicious.
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