Sunday, August 31, 2008

The truth about Popeye

While I was house-sitting a couple weeks ago, I watched a lot of TV.
One of the things I watched was some old Popeye cartoons. You all know how it goes: Popeye eats the spinach and instantly miraculously gets strong. His muscles drastically balloon out, and he is able to lift anything or overpower any opponent.

Who knows how many kids actually believed this crap and reluctantly agreed to eat their spinach, only to be bitterly disappointed.

Studies since then have shown that spinach, although still nutritious, does NOT necessarily do a lot for building muscles.
Part of the problem is due to a mistake that happened back in 1870. Dr. E. Von Wolf accidentally got a decimal point in the wrong place, which miscalculated the iron content of spinach to be ten times its actual value. The mistake wasn't discovered until 1937. And even then, the truth wasn't widely publicized until 1981.
Oh, and even though it's still nutritious, guess what: we can't absorb most of the iron anyway. OR the calcium.

"Although much lauded as a nutritional vegetable, spinach has a drawback in that, while containing high levels of iron and calcium, the rate of absorption is almost nil. The oxalic acid binds calcium into an insoluble salt (calcium oxalate), which cannot be absorbed by the body. The same applies to the iron, as it is bound, leaving only 2-5% of the seemingly plentiful supply actually available for absorption."
(Quoted from Innvista)

Poor kids.
Cruelly deceived into consuming shreds of green gunk they would ordinarily have left alone.

I like raw spinach salads. I like spinach quiche and alfredo veggie lasagna with spinach. But as for a big steaming plate of nothing but spinach, ugh. No thank you.
I'll get my iron elsewhere, thank you very much.
..

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I will never be the strangest person on the planet

Yesterday was Michael Jackson's birthday. He is 50 now.
I used to be a fan, when I was a teenager back in the 80's. I owned the "Beat It" album. (This was the closest I ever came to being "cool." I'll pause for a moment while you all reflect on how truly sad that is.)
Since then, the world has been watching in fascination as he has become stranger and stranger. I love being seen as "just a little bizarre", but ol' Mikey has clearly shown me that there are some levels even I cannot attain.
Would any of you would like to burn the image of MY face into your toast?
.
Party on, Mr. Jackson.
We're all wondering what you could possibly do next.
I'll be watching and taking notes.
.
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Friday, August 29, 2008

Note to self: Use drive-up window next time

~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~
There once was a woman who drank
Loads of tea from a 10-gallon tank
It was scary to see
Just how much she would pee
As she stood there in line at the bank
~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~._.~
--JF--
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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Luckily I can still drink it while blogging

As you know if you've been reading Jantrails (here and here and here), I've gotten hooked on iced tea lately. Specifically, sweet iced tea.
I drink it every day.
I find it delicious, plus I'm convinced that even in its sweetened form, it's still MUCH better for me than soda.
There are some activities that are incompatible with the simultaneous consumption of iced tea.
Activities such as the following:

1) Skydiving
2) Water-skiing
3) Somersaults
4) Firing automatic weapons
5) Shark cage diving
6) Yodeling
7) Flying a fighter jet
8) Falling into a volcano
9) Ballet dancing
10) Open heart surgery
11) Alligator wrestling
12) Playing banjo while singing gospel
13) Suffocating in outer space

Therefore, I have vowed to completely avoid all of these activities for the foreseeable future.
I think it'll be worth it.
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This must be how it works

Even though I can't keep plants alive, I still wistfully admire the beautiful plants and flower gardens other people have.

Occasionally I like browsing through garden/nursery catalogs, enjoying the pretty pictures and wondering what people have to do to keep these lovely plants from dying.

I'm beginning to suspect it requires some shady deal with the underworld.


Aspiring Gardener: "I'd love to have some of these roses. And those hostas! Ooooh, and just look at those beautiful ferns. I'll take all three."

Satan: "They'll be dead within a week."

Aspiring Gardener: "No, no, you must have me confused with Janna. My name is Susan Stinkledorf."

Satan: "If you want the roses AND the hosta, it's gonna cost you. Just a sec, lemme look in the blue book to find out what your soul is worth....."

Aspiring Gardener: "My... my what?"

Satan: "Oh, and you wanted the ferns too, right? Tell ya what, I'll make you a deal. I'll let all three plants live, plus your worst enemy will get indigestion for a week. All it will cost is your soul, your firstborn, and that really cool watch you're wearing. Sound ok?"

Aspiring Gardener: "Is that the same deal you offered Janna?"

Satan: "Nah; she didn't have anything I wanted. She's got no firstborn, she doesn't wear a watch, and her soul has hardened into a bitter black lump of coal."

Aspiring Gardener: "How unfortunate."

Satan: "Quite. Now, would you like some potting soil and fertilizer to go with these? It's on sale today."
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Monday, August 25, 2008

Shot or clubbed, either one....

The queen of clubs
Liked pizza subs
And all their savory taste

The knave of clubs
Ate veggie subs
And had a smaller waist

... which is why he must be shot.
.

. (with apologies to Lewis Carroll)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Hi, honey, I'm HOME!!!

I'm home!
The house-sitting gig went well. No werewolves or burglars.
Actually the burglars were something I WAS sort of concerned about. The reason mom asked me to house-sit overnight is because last Monday some other houses on the same road had been burglarized. So she was worried that their house might be the next target.
And there WERE some cars that drove by slowly in the middle of the night, as well as a vehicle that stopped completely, right in front of the driveway, at 4:30 in the morning.
Strange.
Luckily I am a night-owl, fully capable of watchdogging during the wee hours.
Yay for Janna the nocturnal creature.
Wouldn't it be cool if my eyes glowed in the dark?

Anyway, I'm back, and I just finished responding to all the comments you left while I was gone.
The next thing I need to do is take a very long nap. :)
.
.
P.S. Maybe the werewolves ate the burglars.
.

Janku 7

(Don't know what a Janku is? Click here.)

-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-
I'm still on hold
Waiting for humans
Customer service? Ha ha!
-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-
If you go
Outside naked
The neighbors like staring
-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-
A taco burp
Full of hot sauce
Is much worse after midnight
-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-
Fish eyeballs
Are terribly slippery.
Don't chew them; just spit them out.
-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-'-=-
.
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Friday, August 22, 2008

Squeak, Skweeeek, Squeeeeakk!

A couple weeks ago, one of my cats caught a mouse.

As anyone in a rural area knows, sometimes those country mice like to find a way indoors. Not too often, but still it happens.

Cats don't usually kill mice outright. They like to "play" with them and draw the whole hunting experience out for as long as possible. Usually I end up disposing of a half-dead mouse myself, rather than run the risk of having the cats hide it away to perish behind the sofa or under my bed.

When I realize that one of them actually has a real live mouse, my first reaction is to be slightly startled. But I quickly get over it, and then I wait for an opportunity to grab the little rodent intruder and dispose of him. I thank my cats profusely and praise them for being such good little hunters. (Sometimes all three of them will gang up on the same mouse, which I'm sure qualifies as some special level of "rodent hell".)

I am NOT the stereotypical mouse-phobic lady of the 50's and 60's. Some of the old cartoons really like to exaggerate that, having the lady jump on a chair and shriek like a banshee whenever a mouse goes by. Not me. I can pick them up by their ugly stringy little tails (always with a tissue) and throw their half-dead little gray bodies wherever they need to go. It doesn't bother me that much. I wash my hands when I'm done, and take out the trash at the next available opportunity. No big deal.

Before you get some less-than-complimentary image of me living in a home that's sickeningly infested with vermin, I should probably point out that this sort of thing only happens about once a year, on average. :)

How about you? Do you know anyone who's terrified of mice? Would it bother you to have to grab a mouse who was still twitching? Would it make it easier (or harder) if the mouse was already dead?
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Thursday, August 21, 2008

After all, the cookies are addictive enough already

It would be really sad if the Keebler elves ended up having a meth lab in their hollow tree, because that would mean they've been neglecting the quality of their cookies all this time.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I will return! (I think)

When I typed THIS post awhile back, I honestly had no clue that apparently there really IS a Michigan legend of a cryptozoological creature known as the "Dogman". Sorta like a canine twist on the bigfoot story. I had no idea! I love stuff like this; why have I not heard of this before?!

I just did a brief Jantrails post about the legend.

I doubt it's actually what I heard that day, though I have to admit I still don't know what made that noise.

Anyway, now that I'm sufficiently spooked about the Michigan wilderness, I learned today that I will be house-sitting for my Mother for three nights while she and dad go on vacation.
They live out in the country on a dirt road, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by forests.

Lucky me!

So, I may not be able to reply to your comments while I'm gone.
I have posts all set to drop for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. So please stop by! There will be new stuff to read each day. And please comment! Go nuts! I promise that I'll respond to all the comments eventually, when I get home on Saturday night.

Unless, of course, a giant werewolf finds me and carries me off into the woods and tears me to pieces for a midnight snack.
Then I may take a little longer.
But it'll be a heck of a cool thing to blog about, right?
.

The Legend of Michigan's Dogman from mindstage on Vimeo.
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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Things I have never seen in a parking lot

1. Elephant poop
2. Tonsils
3. A $100.00 bill
4. An antelope
5. You, carrying an axe
6. Leather panties
7. Evil clown
8. An evil clown who looks suspiciously like you, wearing leather panties, carrying an axe, slipping on elephant poop just as you're about to pay $100.00 for some antelope tonsils
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Monday, August 18, 2008

What's YOUR statue doing?

MM-banner20If someday there is a Wax Museum of bloggers, I hope to see all of you there.

For starters, I hope to see statues of the following bloggers doing the following things:

1) Travis, eating cake, hunched over a TV set which is playing some kind of dance-based reality show.

2) Morgen, being trampled by all five of his cats as he unsuccessfully tries to keep a package of "Temptations" kitty treats from them. Bigfoot peeks through a nearby window.

3) Meloncutter, playing guitar and lifting one leg to fart.

4) Steve, completing the last phase of his recent "colon cleanse" program.

5) MichaelC, crying tears of joy as he enters a room filled with cheese.

I could go on and on, but this post would be a mile long. Trust me, I want to see you there too. Yes, YOU. If you're not one of the five people I just mentioned, tell me in the comments how you would like your wax effigy to be posed!
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Sunday, August 17, 2008

Just a picture...

I made this yesterday, during a moment of insomnia, tea-saturation, and hopeful creativity.
It'll be my Facebook picture for awhile.
Now if you'll pardon me, I'm craving peanut butter cookies and I simply MUST go find some.

.

For Morgen

Maybe this is what I heard in the forest last week...
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Saturday, August 16, 2008

So if I suddenly turn up missing....

Last weekend I was sitting in my car, drinking sweet tea while parked next to a forest.
It was starting to get late, and I heard the chirpy sounds of hundreds of crickets or locusts or whatever it is that makes that pervasive sound at the end of a summer day.
Then I heard a strange sound I couldn't explain.
It was coming from the forest and it sounded like a cross between a dog making a "grrufff" sound and a pig snorting. It was loud enough for me to hear in the car even though all my windows were up. It only lasted a second, then I never heard it again.
Are there wild pig-dog monsters roaming loose in Michigan?
Isn't there some awful German insult that translates to "pig-dog"?
(Schweinhundt, I think.) (Yes... HERE).
I wonder if they taste like a cross between bacon and kibble.
.

On a completely unrelated note, you might as well know that yesterday's salsa is now officially all gone.
That's right. I've finished off the entire jar.
It was THAT good.
.
One other thing: I hate typos! I just noticed a typo in yesterday's post... and fixed it. I am greatly annoyed with myself for (1) making the typo in the first place and (2) not catching it sooner. I absolutely despise typos. Please excuse me while I go whip myself.
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Friday, August 15, 2008

Here, try some!

Guess what!
Morgian gave me a jar of homemade salsa.
She didn't make it; one of her friends or relatives did. I forget exactly who.
She gave it to me because its heat level was reputed to be "hot enough to take the chrome off a bumper."

Since I LOVE super-hot spicy things, this sounded ideal.

I will now be trying this salsa for the very first time.
I'll blog about my reaction immediately afterward.

For dipping, I'll be using some tortilla chips and some taquitos.

Everybody ready?
Here we go!

(*dipping taquito*....)
(*eating taquito...)

Mmmmm!
It is yummy, and it IS pleasantly hot!

(*takes more bites*)

OMG. This is really, really good.
My eyes are watering and my nose is running.

I definitely taste habanero pepper, or some close relative thereof.
All the flavors are perfectly balanced with just a tiny hint of sweetness.

This is absolutely delicious.
(**multiple taquitos and several tortilla chips later...**)

Um, I seem to have finished half the jar already.
I'd better save the rest.

Seriously, I'm not lying when I say this is probably one of the most DELICIOUS salsas I've ever eaten in my entire life. And I think it might be the third hottest. I've had bottled hot SAUCES that are much hotter than this, but I'm pretty sure this ranks as the third hottest jar of salsa.*

In a perfect world, I would have a jar of this every single week for the rest of my life.
I LOVE the fact that it doesn't seem to have any onions in it. As far as I can tell, it's mostly just crushed habanero peppers with a few minor ingredients added. I'm not even sure I see any tomatoes.
You know how much I HATE onions, so I greatly treasure any onion-free salsa I can find.

Morgian! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This has cleared my sinuses and brought tears of joy to my day.
.

*In case you're curious, the hottest salsa I ever had was called "Salsa Habanero". I got it from a catalog called "The Salsa Express" about 12 years ago. The catalog no longer offers this product, which is kind of sad. Still, even though that salsa was hotter, Morgian's has a better flavor.
The second hottest salsa I ever had was THIS ONE Jason made for me in October 2006. It was really good on chicken sandwiches.
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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Just a normal cemetery kind of day

Thirteen things I did on Monday afternoon
while parked in the back of the cemetery:

1. Drank tea
2. Heard gunshots from the surrounding forest/fields
3. Saw enough flies to feed a stadium full of frogs
4. Wondered who mows cemetery lawns and what they think about while they're doing this
5. Went on scavenger hunt to see if I could find tombstones for three people born before 1825
6. Found John P. Williams, 1808-1886
7. Found Mary Williams, 1797-1870
8. Found Eliza Williams, 1822-1899
9. Heard ambulance sirens
10. Made mental note to buy tortilla chips
11. Wondered how many people have actually died IN a cemetery. (Not counting the ones that were buried alive, of course).
12. Reviewed a recipe card for Swiss Chicken Strata
13. Created this fun algebra problem:
5x-9 = 3X+3
4y-6 = 5x
x + y = z
z + 1 = w
So, what's the square root of w?

(Leave your answer in the comments).

(Seriously, it really does have an answer! I swear!)

By the way, thank you very much to all of you who stopped by to offer good wishes on my blogiversary yesterday. I feel slightly more loved now! Help yourself to the leftover cake. See the picture below for a sample of what is available.

Don't let it distract you from doing the math problem.
..
UPDATE: Congrats to SansPantaloons and Wavemancali for correctly solving the algebra problem! See the comments for the answer and my explanation of how it's done.
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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

My Blogiversary

Today, August 13th, 2008, is my two-year blogiversary!
Hard to believe it's been two whole years.
Yay for the Jannaverse. :)

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What I Learned Today

Today I learned that a broken toilet plunger still works better than no plunger at all.
Don't ask.
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Monday, August 11, 2008

Apparently the lizards also know how to use e-mail

Most of you are probably familiar with the list of plagues that got unleashed on ancient Egypt.
Some of them included frogs, darkness, boils, and a river turning into blood. Those are pretty impressive, and I'm sure I could never improve upon them.

Still, it got me thinking: if I was able to unleash plagues on people who greatly irritated me, what are some interesting ones I could do?

How about these:

1. All your shampoo turns into mustard, and all your ketchup turns into expired milk.
2. Random appearance of multiple tattoos which say "Eat at Joe's", Try Metamucil", and "For a good time, bite this."
3. Nearsighted hummingbirds which think some of your body parts resemble tasty flowers.
4. All your teeth turn to candy corn.
5. Giant lizards which will eat through your shoes and try convincing you to mortgage your house and take penis enlargement pills.
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Saturday, August 9, 2008

Would the toes be chewy or crunchy?

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Friday, August 8, 2008

Friday thoughts

1. Today I seem to be humming the theme song to the Flintstones, for no apparent reason.

2. I'm also drinking so much tea that my bladder is trying to scream at me "Dude! Enough already! I'm full, and I (*gargle*garblegurgle*gghhh*)..."

3. I feel a need to go to the cemetery and read a book of cartoons. It wouldn't be the first time I've done that.

4. This weekend I am going to be doing a bunch of laundry. If you do some laundry too, we can pretend we're doing laundry together. Then we can share recipes and gossip and helpful hints about how to get barbecue stains out of our favorite shirts.

5. How single lonely people pass the time on Friday nights: Drink a LOT of tea, then drive to the cemetery and read a book. See how long you can last before you absolutely HAVE to drive back home and pee.

It's a full life.
Or at least a full bladder.
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I need WHAT??

A few of you have done this meme already. It's where you Google your name, and put the word "needs" after it.
For example, if your name is Daphne, you'd Google the words "Daphne needs".
Be sure to put quotes around it, so the search engine will find entries that have those two words right next to each other.
I could've sworn I already did this meme, but I can't find it anywhere, so here. I'm doing it again.

One humorous thing is that my results led me to two other bloggers named Janna who also did this meme. One has a blog called "Janna's Life". Here's the other one (can't find a title for it).

Without further ado, here are the things that I (apparently) need:

1. Janna needs to learn to put the food in her mouth. (um, noooo, I think I learned that habit a little too well already, in fact....)

2. Janna needs all her wit and common sense to solve the mystery of the child's disappearance (Or I could just, you know, let him go missing.)

3. You aren’t thinking about what Janna needs, you’re thinking about what you want out of her suffering. She’s not a diamond mine (That's right! Everyone should meditate on all my suffering... and I should probably admit right now that I don't even HAVE any diamonds.)

4. Janna needs to increase her self-help skills in order to increase independence with dressing skills. (My dressing skills are awful. I can make vinaigrette, but that's about it. Ha!)

5. Janna needs to learn the uppercut punch. (So I can knock out all the people who expect me to make dressing).

6. Janna needs to go. (Ummm.... where exactly did you have in mind? Should I be worried?)

7. Janna needs some love. (Finally, something that reeks of truth!!!)

8. Janna needs to put her tongue away. (Ok... um... where do you suggest I put it?)

9. The last thing Janna needs is this powerful man affecting her in ways her heart cannot allow. (Ah, I could say SO much about this one....)

10. Janna needs a bit more...something. (Can you be more specific?)

11. Janna needs to take that GREASY picture of me off her page OR ELSE!!! (Greasy? What, were you bathing in my vinaigrette again?)

12. Janna needs to be heard so SHE will be the countess and MUNDEE will be pageboy. (But I thought we agreed that this time I could be the naughty schoolgirl and you could be the curious math tutor...)

13. Janna needs to schedule surgery (Yikes! For what? I didn't swallow the lemon zester on purpose, I swear!)

14. Janna needs a record deal. (Yes! YES! I agree completely! Just let me write the music first, ok?)

15. Ms. Janna needs one good night of sleep.... (Truer words were never spoken.)
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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Where has Janna been?

Tuesday night there was no band rehearsal, but ABC group got together anyway so we could say goodbye to Chris.
As you may remember from previous posts, Chris is originally from Michigan but currently has a teaching gig in Ethiopia. He was home for a visit but is returning to Africa soon (tomorrow, I think).
So we got together Tuesday night and had a goodbye party.
It was held in Lansing at Kyle/Morgian/Steven's new house. Yes, they're all chipping in on a house together! They haven't totally moved in yet; there is still no hot water, and some rooms were completely void of furniture, but still we managed to have a good time.
I spent the night and didn't get back home until 4:30 Wednesday afternoon. I've been awake for the past 28 hours. No sleep! None! I am exhausted!

Additional note: Those of you who know me well know that I am very uneasy about driving in large cities. Keep in mind that I was raised in a small village, and I now live in an even tinier village, so pretty much anything qualifies as a "large city" to me.
Lansing certainly qualifies.
Even though I lived in East Lansing for two years when I went to MSU, this particular drive involved parts of town I was unfamiliar with. Kyle/Morgian/Steve's new house is in the northern part of Lansing, (about a 90 minute drive, maybe more) so I had to drive through a lot of city-ness to get there. Tons of traffic, zipping along in multiple lanes. Some of these streets were one-way, and you know how I feel about not being able to turn around. Nervewracking and harrowing and frustrating, made worse by the fact that some streets were closed due to road construction. I had to take a detour on the way home, which caused me to say some unpleasant words I probably shouldn't have said.
Still, all in all, I'm glad I went. It was good to see my friends, and I made it home safely. So all's well that ends well, right?
Now, if you'll pardon me, I really need to take a nap.
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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

At least the lightning would be quicker

Things That Might Feel Worse Than
Summertime Heat And Humidity:

1) Falling into a live volcano
2) Being eaten alive by a bear
3) Getting hit by lightning
4) Being run over by a series of horses and buggies which happen to have sharp spiked wheels laced with sea salt
5) Being anally probed by a Sousaphone
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Monday, August 4, 2008

Manic Monday: Big

Here is the perfect costume for any of you who like boobs, want to be covered in boobs, or have ever been called a boob.

It costs $49.99, but I guess that could be worth it, depending on how freaky (or desperate) you are. :)

Possible uses:

1. You could buy two and keep them on your bed or something.

2. Siamese/conjoined twins could each wear one to their next costume party.

3. The presidential candidates could each wear one during the debates, standing side by side.
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Sunday, August 3, 2008

You can almost smell the fertilizer....

Since I can't actually keep plants or flowers alive in person, I might as well just photoshop myself with them instead. I made a floral banner (without the faces) too.
Can you find all five Jannas in this picture?

This almost makes me look cheerful.
(Note to self: Be extra curmudgeonly tomorrow.)
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Saturday, August 2, 2008

Plus, I wouldn't have to buy gas

If I could just have the metabolism of a hummingbird, I'd be skinny in no time at all.
Plus, I'd be able to freak people out by hovering above them in mid-air and flapping my arms zillions of times per second.
Bonus!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Here, smell my armpit....

.
I miss the freezing days of winter
When I could barely feel my nose
'Cause summer's horrid sizzling sun
Is much too hot for clothes
.
Janna F
8-1-08
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Watch out for the antlers

About a week ago, I had dinner with my mom and dad, and spent awhile watching TV with them. Mom and I both like documentary shows about science, psychology, history, and true crime. So we found a program about true cold cases-- murders that remained unsolved for a long time. Fascinating stuff.

One of the murderers committed his crimes in Canada. I feigned ignorance and said "Wow, Canada? Really? I didn't think there were ANY bad people in Canada!"

To which mom replied "What do you think the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are there for?"

I said "Well, I always thought they were supposed to make sure the moose only crossed at the moose crossing signs."

What?
I'm sure it's a serious problem over there.
Have you ever tried to give a jaywalking ticket to a moose?

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