Photo Hunters: Self

Here is a poorly-lit, poorly framed picture of me with my eyes closed, holding a bottle of toilet cleaner against my face for no reason.

Enjoy

If you've lost your penis recently, it might have been stolen by a pigeon in Nigeria. Read about it HERE, just to be sure.

Want your artwork and letters to be famous? Just move to Florida and kill someone. Once you're on death row, you can sell all kinds of stuff! It's called "murderabilia"! Seriously! I should have done this YEARS ago!

If you've ever had your heart broken by some guy who didn't really care how you felt, THIS is the kind of story that will warm your heart with gladness. Just imagine....

Ever suspect your doctor was being condescending or insulting, but you just couldn't prove it? Perhaps THIS will help. (Example: If he writes "PRATFO" in your chart, it stands for "Patient Reassured And Told to F*** Off") Yes, these are actual things doctors have put in their patients' records!

Remember that "Slime In A Garbage Can" stuff we had when we were kids? Well, it's back... and now you can have sex with it.
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A REALLY cold cup of tea

Haagen Dazs now has Green Tea ice cream.
It sounded so strange to me that I simply had to buy some.
I'll be trying it for the first time in just a few moments, and will blog about my impressions immediately afterward.
Here we go.
Ready?

Hmmm.... it's the color of squashed bug guts....

And it tastes.... hmm.... Actually it tastes very mild. Almost no flavor at all. Smooth, milky, creamy, and light green. It really doesn't taste like tea at all. Barely.

It needs something....
Ah. Here. I just put some maraschino cherries on it, along with some grenadine syrup. YUM. It added some much-needed flavor, plus it created a strange alien-esque mix of green and bright red.

Cool.

It would also probably be good with some freshly-grated lemon zest on it.
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Someone should tell him

The Jesus action figure I won from Fab has been sitting next to my computer keyboard for a few days now. I'm sort of using him as a paperweight for this fortune I got from my last fortune cookie.
And it just dawned on me, seeing the little strip of paper sticking out from under his robe, that it looks sort of like Jesus has a bit of toilet paper stuck to his sandal.
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Bite me, John Philip Sousa

I made this today, after seeing all the %$#@%^ marches we're going to be playing in our next concert.
No one will get the joke except for people who play the french horn, but that's ok. Please offer sympathy anyway. And maybe some sedatives.

Tuesday Night

I had a decent time at band Tuesday night, and a pleasantly indecent time at ABC group afterward. ABC group has been held at McDonalds for the past three weeks in a row, so I guess the acronym now stands for "After Band = Cholesterol."
There was Morgian, Russ, Jason, Steven, Kyle #1, Kyle #2, and me. For some reason we've started calling Kyle #2 "Fred", so we don't have to worry about keeping track of two Kyles.
After ABC group, we had our usual round of hugs and goodbyes, and then we headed home.

Except on my way home I decided I wanted to get groceries.

The only place open at that time of night was Meijer in Coldwater, which is 24 hours. It's about a 30 minute drive from where we had ABC group.

Imagine my shock when I was perusing the frozen food aisle, and I turned around to see Jason there!
Jason, who I had just seen and hugged goodbye about 30 minutes earlier!

We joked about various things, and I self-consciously realized that everything in my cart virtually screamed "Pathetic Single Person." Lean Cuisine dinners, frozen pizza, mini-loaf of garlic bread, and other stuff that requires a bare minimum amount of preparation.
Bachelor food.
I kept waiting for sympathetic strangers to walk by, pat my shoulder, and whisper "Awww. No one loves you, do they, honey?"

Incidentally, Jason was there to buy a bottle of wine because he has a date this week.
Sigh.

Here, have a picture of someone lying in a tub of cheetos.

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Janku

Today I unveil a new form of poetry.
It's three lines long.
The first line has four vowels.
The second line has six vowels,
and the third line has eight vowels.
"Y" does not count as a vowel here. Only A E I O U.
I think I'll call it a Janku.

Here are some examples:

_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_

Bambi smells rank
At the roadside
Looks like the Lexus won

_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_

It's a bad thing
Leaving yogurt in
Your closet for a year

_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_

You don't know
How easy it is to
Pee in a police car

_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_

Watch your back
I have sharp objects
Stay on my good side.. Heh heh.

_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_

Officer, no!
Take off the handcuffs
I am SO misunderstood

_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_^*^_
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Manic Monday: Star

First of all, if you're one of the people who I texted yesterday, check out my post at Jantrails. You'll find out where I was at the time, and what I texted to other people too.

Things I will NOT be doing on Memorial Day:

1. Starring in a raunchy home video involving three walruses and an ostrich.
2. Marching in any kind of parade whatsoever.
3. Remembering the capitol of Mongolia
4. Eating tuna salad, egg salad, seafood salad, potato salad, macaroni salad, chicken salad, or any other kind of salad that involves mayonnaise
5. Singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" while doing a strip tease for total strangers at the nearest Taco Bell.

Things I MIGHT do on Memorial Day:

1. Make up new names for all the constellations and re-name the stars after various body parts of friends. (e.g. Alpha Proxima could now be "Steve's Aorta", and Betelgeuse could be "Kyle's Armpit".)
2. Eat cheese.
3. Give myself a gold star for suppressing the urge to throw hatchets at the TV during presidential speeches.
4. Discover new and exciting recipes involving meatballs.
5. Speculate about a tawdry relationship between an armadillo and a unicorn; consider photoshopping what their offspring might look like.
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The only gas I can afford is my own farts

If you see any typos here, blame them on the fact that I am spasmodically twitching after seeing the current gas prices.
$4.19 for the cheapest grade.
$4.29 for the next...
and $4.39 for the premium.
Holy CRAP.

In order to help take my mind off this, I'm going to re-post the belly button tattoo from my previous post. No reason. I just really like it.

I've gone out for Chinese three times in the past 2 weeks. My fortune cookies have said the following:
1. "You are a very artistic person. Let your colors shine!"
2. "You will never need to worry about a steady income."
3. "A fond memory will soon lead to a renewed friendship."
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Soooo, if you follow the tradition of adding the words "...in bed" to all those, I should have an interesting future.
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Start getting your "chuck" lists ready!

Business ideas which will
hopefully make me rich:

1. If woodchucks really can chuck wood, I hope I can hire them to chuck it at people I don't like. Certainly everyone else would like the opportunity to avail themselves of this as well. In fact, I could build an evil empire of woodchucks, who would gladly hone their deadly chucking skills. I could arrange "business" opportunities for them, and would take a healthy percentage of their pay in exchange for my efforts. In no time at all, I could be the Godfather (Godmother?) of the woodchuck mafia.

2. I could make "Band-Aids with Salt", to cater to the masochists among us. The extra-strength version could include salt AND lemon juice.

3. Start a rumor that the hottest new craze is to have an eyebrow right above your belly button. I could then open a clinic which would clone one of your existing eyebrows right above the area in question. For an additional fee, I could clone the other one onto your left butt cheek or something.

If you're not interested in an eyebrow above your belly button, perhaps you would prefer this tattoo there instead:

(Note to self: Open tattoo clinic.)
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Trying not to think too much

As some of you know, I had a pretty rough day Wednesday.
But here I am, alive and well.... or at least well enough to write another blog post.

I am exhausted, and my brain is operating with the help of one of those flat little watch batteries. I tried hooking it up to one of those huge lantern batteries, but then I started doing calculus and finding mathematical equations that proved gravity is actually a form of jello.

And, although I sometimes like jello, and gravity is ok, I'd rather just focus on other things. Like these, for example:

1. I am amazed that my deodorant lasted all day, what with all the sweating I did today.
2. I haven't had a bowl of cereal in a long time, and am starting to crave a big cauldron of Rice Krispies.
3. Chocolate is better than butterscotch, although my mother believes just the opposite.
4. It's fun to say "Czechoslovakia" over and over again when you're drunk.
5. Today my favorite colors are blue and green.
6. I'm thirsty.
7. If I was at The Olive Garden right now, I'd order fettucine alfredo.
8. If there's a villain in a movie, and if he's bald, I'm more likely to root for him. I like bald evil villains. (Lex Luthor, for example.)
9. I like zebras. (I wonder what they would taste like in a chalupa).
10. At this moment, I seem to have forgotten the last name of Betty from the Archie cartoons. (Archie Andrews, Jughead Jones, Veronica Lodge, Reggie Mantle, and Betty WHO???)
11. My elbow itches.
12. And my left leg has fallen asleep.
13. Aluminum foil is pretty.
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A few rambling thoughts

I had a wonderful time at band last night. We started rehearsing the music to Pirates Of The Caribbean, as well as the theme music for The Incredibles. Extremely fun stuff with lots of good parts for the horns.
After band, we had ABC group at McDonalds.
Chicken nuggets taste better when eaten amongst friends.

I will be offline most of the day today, doing something miserably stressful and emotionally/physically draining.
Feel free to text me, if you have my number. I won't be reachable from 9-12, but will answer you as soon as I can.

Since I can't think of anything else to say, here's a cartoon.

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The Dorito Quest

Last year I blogged about mystery Doritos. There was this promotion they had, where you tried their new flavor and had to come up with a name for it. (They called it simply "X-13-D"). It ended up tasting like flame-broiled cheeseburgers.

Well, a few days ago I saw that there's another similar promotion going this year. This time they call their flavor "The Quest."
On the bag, it says "Guessing The Flavor Is Only The Beginning."

So, I bought a bag, and am about to try them for the very first time. I will blog about my impressions immediately afterward.

Can you feel the excitement? Feel the excitement, people!!

Hear that? I'm rattling the bag! I'm opening the bag!!

They smell like... well, pretty much the same as any other bag of Doritos I've ever opened.

Here goes... I'm trying one.

Lime.
I taste lime.
Fresh lime zest.
Maybe lime zest stirred into Mountain Dew.

No cheese or spices, nothing like that.
Just lime and tortilla chip. More tart than sweet. No spiciness whatsoever.

Actually, these would probably be really good with some salsa.
Lemme go get some....

Yes.. yes, not bad.
Now, let me try them with some Blair's Death Rain sprinkled on them...

Ohhhh baby, Now THAT'S good.
Do this: Dip the chip in Extra-Hot salsa AND sprinkle it with Blair's Death Rain.
Mmmm.

Ok, so here's my overall opinion on the chip: By themselves, they're ok but kind of plain. They don't amount to much as far as an actual snack on their own. But they have possibilities, as far as being an accompaniment to other things.

If you like lime, give them a try.

P.S. HEH! I just went to the official website Doritos has for these things. It turns out that the flavor really IS Mountain Dew! Wow. Mountain Dew flavored Doritos.

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Manic Monday: Play

Today's theme is "play," so of course my mind went straight to music. I have many musical instruments in my living room, and here are four of them:


There's a keyboard, a harp, a single F-horn, and a cello.

The single horn is the same one I started learning when I was 12. There is also a double horn in my living room, as well as an alto recorder and a hammered dulcimer.
The harp is the same one I've been playing since I was 16.
I bought the keyboard in college, but have been playing keyboard instruments since I was 7.
I don't play cello yet, though I really want to learn.

Perhaps someday I can invent new instruments for people to play.
Like these, for example:

1. Prodded Snorkelphone (combination of a snorkel, a cattle prod, and a cell phone)
2. Wonderboard (combination of a piano keyboard and a loaf of Wonder bread)
3. Plasticat (life-size plastic replica of a cat. Just be careful which end you blow into)
4. Ouchdammit (device which uses duct tape to rip off chest hair. Hey, it may not be musical, but it's great if the chest hair used to belong to someone who really pissed you off.)
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What Fun!

For the first year or so of my blogging existence, I'd enter contests but would never win them.
Then, a month or so ago, something apparently changed. It was like the cosmos was trying to make up for other crap that was happening in my life, and suddenly I started to win contests. Well, two of them anyway. Plus an honorable mention from a third!
My prizes have begun to arrive.

First, I won a contest by DutchBitch. (I like to call her "Dutchy").
My prize arrived today....
For starters, there was a giant inflatable tulip. (Hey, she IS from the Netherlands!)
It is now residing in the wrought-iron fencing on my front porch.
Hopefully my neighbors are jealous by now.

Next, there was a pen... it's a ballpoint pen, with levers in back... you push the levers, and these arms with boxing gloves come poking out.
Now I can pursue my lifelong dream of writing about things while pretending to punch them at the same time.
(Take THAT, high gas prices and onions and lower back pain and Martha Stewart and litter-box odor and current political administration! Ha! )

And... there was also a bunch of broken plastic pieces at the bottom of the package. As near as I can tell, these used to be part of the pen. There was probably a head on top, but it got crushed in shipping, and my pen is now headless.
Kinda like the headless horseman, except MY pen can punch people and then write about it afterward.
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Then, I won this contest that Fab had. My prize was an action figure of Jesus.
Yes.
Really.

Jesus arrived a few days ago and has been living in the kitchen. I go to bed with one slice of bread left, and when I wake up there are 12 baskets of toast waiting for me.

And don't even get me started on the fishes.

Anyway, here's Jesus next to my flower bed. (And, by "flower bed," I mean "thick den of weeds".)

And here is Jesus with the deer skull I found in my yard last week. The skull now lives on the cement patio behind my garage.

Next, I'm looking forward to getting an "honorable mention" prize from another Fab contest that occurred recently.
I will be sure to blog about it when it arrives!

Thank you, Fab and Dutchy!
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Three-syllable things I hate

1) Athlete's Foot
2) Absent Friends
3) Tap Water
4) Zombie Drool
5) Gas Prices
6) Politics
7) Mayonnaise
8) Hairy Butts
9) Breathing smoke
10) Flat tires
11) Werewolf bites
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Please let it be number six

Well. As of 12:50 am, no one has yet commented on yesterday's cartoon (which involved migraines and projectile vomiting).
This can only mean that one of the following has occurred:

1) I have caused a chain reaction of puking, much like the "Ipecac" scene in Family Guy, and none of you can make it to the keyboard right now.

2) You were all horrified and rendered speechless.

3) You actually didn't notice, because the rest of you all have social lives on Friday nights.

4) Your community service has ended and you are no longer required by law to read my blog.

5) A tragic accident resulted in the loss of both arms, and it's taking you a little longer to comment because you have to type with your nose now. (or "other" appendages).

6) You are still busy laughing at the cute little Excedrin bottle.
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Ow

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The Happiest Potties On Earth

For all the billions of you out there who were wondering, the answer is YES, yes, there HAS been an entire website devoted entirely to the bathrooms of Disneyland.
It's called "The Happiest Potties On Earth."
Oh, if only I was kidding.
But no.
Here it is:
http://www.mouseplanet.com/potties/
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Thirteen things I would like to know how to say in other languages

1. I am going to poke you with these chopsticks until you give me a fork.

2. Life is short and soon I will be dead, unless I begin consuming the souls of my enemies.

3. I like trees. Except when they start walking around after dark.

4. Giraffes make really good friends until you eat them.

5. If you tailgate me, I will curse all your loved ones and your internal organs and the bacteria currently residing in your butt crack.

6. I guess the bacteria in your butt crack is pretty much already cursed, though.

7. Sometimes I wonder if Martha Stewart is an android.

8. I wish I could fly. Except for that whole part about crashing to Earth when things go terribly, terribly wrong.

9. "Asphalt" is fun to say over and over again.

10. If you really loved me, you would have bought some autographed squares of my underwear.

11. Sometimes I dream about putting arsenic in your soup. I hear it goes well with chicken noodle.

12. There's a secret love triangle between Rachael Ray, Mickey Mouse, and Dick Cheney. Though, rumor has it, Dick is about to be replaced by the remains of Joseph Stalin.

13. Which is the correct fork to use while gouging out someone's liver?
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(Be sure to check my Thursday Thirteens on Jantics and Jantrails too!)
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Maybe we can even send out for pizza

If I could spend a day with some of my fellow bloggers, it would either be wonderful or disastrous. Possible outcomes include the following:

1) If I spent the day with Steve, I would blackmail him into giving me all his fountain pens, then we could laugh about it afterward, watching Johnny Depp movies while I drew pretty designs on nearby objects with my new pens.

2) If I spent the day with Gwen, we would have fun re-designing my living room the same way hers is decorated-- with coffins and bones and other creepy stuff that is right up my alley. Then maybe we could do each other's nails or something. Or maybe just stay up plotting the demise of our enemies. You know. Girl stuff.

3) If I spent the day with Travis, we could go to Taco Bell and eat a dozen tacos and chalupas, then make origami cranes out of the wrappers. We would also have to eat at least four different kinds of cake. I could then strap him into my machine which would alter his brain waves to not like reality TV anymore.

4) If I spent the day with Morgen, he would beat me senseless for letting that giant fart the last time I spent the day with him.

5) If I spent the day with Shelli, we could spend hours chatting about our fellow bloggers while designing plans for new hospitals which will exclusively treat naked frostbitten people in Minnesota and Michigan.

6) If I spent the day with Fab, we would probably just end up killing each other in a steel cage death match. It's ok. I've lived a long life. I can die semi-happy.

7) If I spent the day with Marilyn, I could beg her to make a sign for me that says "Welcome to Michigan, where naked people sometimes get frostbitten." Then she could teach me how to home-school my cats.

8) If I spent the day with Michael, I would hand him the nearest book (even the phone book), and ask him to read for a few hours while I sat back and lavishly enjoyed his British accent. Then we could go out for dinner and he could explain to me exactly what the hell "Bangers and Mash" are.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Pink Things I Have Never Seen

1) Wig made of cotton candy

2) Bubble gum sculpted into a replica of the largest kangaroo penis EVER

3) Girl's baby blanket dunked in formaldehyde

4) Lawn chair sinking into a pool of Pepto-Bismol

5) Strawberry milkshake being poured onto the bald head of a sleeping person
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Manic Monday: Doodle

Rip Van Janna

Today I had a migraine, and spent most of the day barfing and dreaming of spears going through my head. (The sharp kind... not Britney Spears)
It's ok, though, I feel better now. The pain and nausea is 99% gone, which is enough to make me happy.

Sometimes, in the middle of these all-day migraines, I wonder what would happen if I just passed out and didn't wake up until some distant point in the future. Assuming I didn't starve to death, I imagine going outside afterward and seeing all sorts of wonderful things in this strange new futuristic world:

1) Flying cars! (I mean, c'mon, why don't we have them already? Can you imagine the "Don't Drink And Fly" commercials?)

2) Teleportation devices which can instantly take you to the destination of your choice. (There's always a chance you might accidentally vaporize forever somewhere over the Pacific, but what the heck. Live dangerously.)

3) Re-introduction of previously extinct species. My yard could be teeming with dodo birds, passenger pigeons, and the occasional tyrannosaurus rex! (And Elvis!)

4) The satisfaction of hearing someone say "Oprah WHO??"
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Thirteen Things That Would NOT Be A Good Mothers' Day Present

1) Algae
2) Cold tater tots
3) Map of Alaska, folded wrong
4) Picture of your duodenum
5) Photocopy of a $5.00 bill
6) Ant farm
7) Chain Mail
8) Deodorant
9) Issue of Playboy
10) Semi-automatic rifle
11) Ice cubes
12) Sweater made of spaghetti
13) Book: "Parenting For Dummies"
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There's a lesson here somewhere....

Once upon a time there was somebody who said something about zucchini. Or maybe it was bikinis. I dunno. I wasn't really paying attention.
Anyway, he killed an evil witch by chaining her in front of a TV set and making her watch Reality shows for 72 hours straight, at which point she vaporized into a green cloud and was never heard from again. (Note: This also works on GOOD witches, so be careful).
Meanwhile, 300 miles away, three people sneezed and died because their doctor didn't realize they had inhaled the rapidly-dispersing molecules of witch-vapor.
They would have been fine if only they'd eaten zucchini beforehand.
But alas.

I still hate zucchini anyway.
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Bambi Sends A Warning

Today I went outside and found a skull in my yard.
Not a human skull. Don't call the cops.
It appears to be a deer.
I googled "deer skull" and found this picture which matches it pretty well.
The lower jaw is missing, but the rest of the skull is intact, including the teeth.
It's completely dry and clean, with no meat left at all, so it has to be at least a few months old.
Why did it just spontaneously appear in my yard today?
Is the Bambi Mafia trying to send me a message?
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Yummy Cheerful Spleen

If our internal organs were all sorts of pretty rainbow colors, then I bet more people would watch those surgery shows on TV.

I'm craving rainbow sherbet now.
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And don't forget to eat tomatoes

While sorting through the huge pile of STUFF on my computer, I found this thing which supposedly lets me post to my blog just by sending an e-mail.

So I'm trying it.

If you're reading this, that means it works.

 

The most exciting thing I did today was return twenty empty bottles, so I could afford to buy a package of light bulbs.

 

Kiss me.

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Manic Monday: Fresh

The all-weekend party at Jason's is finally over.
I went there Friday, came back home briefly on Friday night.
Returned on Saturday.
Spent the night at Jason's on Saturday, along with all the other hardcore partiers.
We didn't end up going to sleep until about 6 in the morning.
I was on a sofa... and there were a couple other people on another sofa right next to me, plus another couple snuggled up in a big recliner... and there were more people in the next room, plus more people upstairs.
I couldn't really sleep, because I couldn't get comfortable. Plus, the couple on the sofa next to me was, uh... engaged in various activities.
Twice.
Right there with everyone else within earshot. (!!!)
I think they thought I was asleep, but it's hard to sleep when there are wet slurpy sloppy wet noises and heavy breathing going on right next to you.

Things I Could Have Said To Them At The Time,
If I Cared Enough To Roll Over:

1. "Do you ever feel.... not so fresh?"
2. "Whoa, I think you missed a spot."
3. "Wow, it sounds just like raw pork dancing with shampoo."
4. "Can I join in?"
5. "So THAT'S where the other mango went."
6. "Here.... let me get you a towel."
7. "TWICE???"
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Concerts, Parties, and Death Rain

Our band concert was Friday night.
It was ok.
After that, there was our post-concert party at Jason's house.
Actually, it's still going on... I left around 3:15 a.m.
It's an all-weekend party, so I'm going back tomorrow.

One thing I learned is that Blair's Death Rain is really delicious on Sweet-Spicy-Chili Doritos. Delicious, delicious pain. Yummy.

Here's the site which sells the whole line of Blair's hot sauces. It's called "ExtremeFood.com". There's liquid sauce, as well as dry spice in shakers.

And, I just learned that there's another version of Blair's Death Rain, called "Blair's Death Rain NITRO"... it's supposedly even hotter than the original.

I want it.

I want it really, really bad.
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Thirteen Things The Letters TCB Could Stand For

1. The Covered Basket...
2. Three Charlie Browns....
3. Twin Clumsy Blondes
4. Turtle Caramel Brownies
5. Trisexual Convinces Brad...
6. Tricky Conniving Brat
7. Terribly Creamy Bowels
8. Testicles Come Behind
9. Turpentine Chemical Burns
10. Trapezoid Circle Box
11. Toxic Churning Brew
12. Triple Castration Bereavement
13. Try Canadian Buttholes
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