Mystery solved!

I have solved the mystery of my previous post!
I found my notebook! It was next to a pile of blankets at the foot of the bed. I could've sworn I already looked there without seeing anything previously, but...

This means one of two things:

1) Either I do a piss-poor job of searching for things, or
2) The aliens stole my notes, started reading through it all, then said "What the hell kinda crap is THIS??? We can't use this! C'mon, let's turn around and take it back. She'll never notice."

I feel kind of bad either way, but somehow I hope it's the second one.
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How strange

Something is really bugging me.
I always keep a big pad of paper next to my bed, in case inspiration strikes. Sometimes right before going to bed, I'll write letters or poetry or ideas for future blog posts.
Today I noticed that the pad of paper is missing.
I have no idea where it is.
I looked around the bed, under the bed, in nearby tote bags, in other rooms, everywhere. But it's inexplicably missing.
Clearly this is proof of aliens. Obviously when they came to probe me last night, they also stole my notebook. Now they're going to steal my ideas and use it all for THEIR blogs.
So if you're surfing the Alpha Centauri section of cyberspace, and you see a post with Janna-esque stuff, please report that blog to the proper authorities. (I dunno, maybe Bill Gates or Yoda or something).
I'll keep you posted.
I can't believe this thing is missing.
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Thirteen things that qualify me as a nerd

Feel free to donate generously to the "Janna needs a life" fund.

1) I love listening to the BBC news
2) I used to write fan fiction for Star Trek
3) I'm fascinated by magazines like Scientific American and Discover
4) I know the difference between a Cardassian and a Romulan
5) I love the idea of snuggling up with a cup of tea and a book by Stephen Hawking
6) My favorite radio station is NPR
7) I enjoy discussing the pros and cons of the different Star Trek series.
8) I love doing harmonic analysis of musical compositions
9) I can tell the difference between the sound of an English horn and a soprano sax, and I really CARE about it.
10) I love reading through the dictionary, just to find new words. I also make sure I understand all the definitions of words I'm already familiar with.
11) I know that Quark's brother is Rom, his nephew is Nog, his sister-in-law is Leeta, his mother was called "Moogie", and his favorite currency is gold-pressed latinum.
12) I know what a filk is, and have written several.
13) Rule Of Acquisition #76: "Every once in awhile, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies."
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Wordless Wednesday

Please move closer to the pit. That's it... that's it...

If there was a scented candle called "The sweat of my enemies as they scream whilst falling to their deaths into a deep dark giant pit", I think it would be quite popular. There could even be matching air fresheners for the car. And bathroom spray.

There could also be booths in the mall, where groups of ebola virus would gather. For a small fee, you could pay them to crawl over to the food court and infest the meal of someone you particularly disliked. Or maybe they could mail themselves out in fruit/cheese/sausage gift baskets.

Another idea would be to make gummi-bullets. You could offer them to people, and when they bit down, the bullets would explode.
I think I'd like the lemon ones best.
I ran this idea by someone yesterday, and he didn't quite seem to embrace the concept. His response was "I think you need a hobby."

I think I'll mail him a gift basket.
First I need to make a trip to the mall...
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Here I am

I can't tell what's down there on the ground but it looks awfully green. Plus there are things crawling all over it. I don't plan on getting close enough to tell. Life is much better up here in this tree. I just wish people would stop asking me to make cookies for them. I'm not an elf, dammit.
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Manic Monday: explosion

So if you ate cherry jello, chopped spinach, blueberries, scrambled eggs, lime gumdrops, strawberries, grape jelly beans, shredded carrots, fruity pebbles, chocolate, asparagus, and cheddar cheese, then accidentally poked yourself in the stomach, I imagine the resulting explosion would be very colorful.

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For a different type of explosion, go watch THIS.
I laughed.
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Start working up an appetite...

First, feel free to go check out my most recent post over at the Stache. It involves your kidneys, salsa, picket signs, and Oprah.

Today I realized that I want a sandwich named after me. Well, named after my blog, actually. I know what ingredients it will include, and I got them at the store this evening. I plan to spend the next few days deciding what preparation method is best. (e.g. toasted, not toasted....) The sandwich will be called The Jannaverse. When I've perfected the recipe, I will post it here so you can all try it if you want. Warning: it will probably have a trillion zillion calories and will contain no trace of vegetables, so be prepared for your arteries to slam shut immediately afterward.
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poetry corner... or something like that

I have nothing constructive to say today.
Instead I bring you this poem, which I wrote a month ago. Fab will recognize it, because I texted it to him immediately afterward.

Frozen boobs and frozen toes
This is how our winter goes
Frosty poles are hard to lick
And cold winds make a shrunken dick.

And also, just for the heck of it, I bring you this:

Morgen and Morgian

I have two friends whose names rhyme with "organ", and I love them both.

First there is Morgen, who has the much-beloved blog known as "It's A Blog Eat Blog World". He had a truly lousy year in 2007, and is hoping that 2008 holds some serious improvements.

Five Ways Things Could Have Been
WORSE for Morgen in 2007:

1. Poisonous snakes could have crawled out of his ass
2. He could have lapsed into a drunken stupor and gotten a tattoo that says "I Heart Dubya"
3. While falling on the ice last winter, he could have fallen through the earth and come out in the middle of the ocean somewhere on the opposite side of the globe, immediately getting swallowed up by some giant sea creature we haven't yet discovered
4. Poisonous snakes could have crawled INTO his ass
5. We could exist in a world without chocolate.

As most of you know, Morgen had a birthday recently. On February 19th, he turned 41. Morgen, I hope the day went beautifully for you, I hope this year has lots of wonderful surprises for you, and I hope you know how loved you are. :)

Then there's Morgian, who I see almost every week at band and ABC group. Morgian is a very "unique" individual who loves doing freaky things just for the heck of it. She's like me, only with a much better figure and NO inhibitions. It is so much fun to be around her, because you never know what she's going to do or say next. I feel so normal by comparison! (Pause to carefully consider that statement!)
And she brought me some presents on Tuesday!
Yay!
She knows I love hot spicy things, so she got me a shaker of "Blair's Death Rain."
This is seriously good stuff. Hot and delicious. I blogged about it back in September 2006. Such a yummy, yummy burn. Happy, happy taste buds screaming in joyous pain. Flavor that makes my eyes water with happiness. If you love hot things, I highly recommend this.

Here are the ingredients: "Red Savina, Cayenne, Garlic, Onion, Paprika, Salt, Celery Seed, Rosemary, Oregano."

Red Savina is recognized as the world's hottest pepper. It's in the Guinness Book Of World Records, and is twice as hot as a habanero.

Morgian also got me a bag of Blair's Death Rain potato chips!! I blogged about those too, in that same post. The bag I'd previously tried back in 2006 wasn't very hot, but the one I tried on Tuesday was much better. Still not quite as hot as the stuff that comes right out of the shaker, but still pretty darn good. I love this!
The shaker comes with a skull keychain. (See it in the picture?)
How cute!
The shaker of Blair's Death Rain is the second-hottest gift I have ever gotten. (The very hottest was the collection of sauces that Fab sent me last October.)
You know me... the hotter the better.
Thanks, Morgian! :)
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Wordless Wednesday

Manic Monday: Two

I have a lot on my mind today. I'm waiting for some important test results, and the concept of "humor" feels a little foreign to me.
You realize, of course, this means all I have left is the "strange" factor.

Today's theme is "two."
We have two eyes.
Well, most of us do, anyway.
So I made two pictures, just for the occasion.


If you'd rather see something more traditional, you can go to Jantrails, where I rant about typos.
And then, over at Jantics, I... well, I clearly have nothing useful to say. But go ahead and visit anyway.
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Things that might be more fun if they were battery-operated

1. Underwear
2. Beer
3. Poodles
4. Newspapers
5. Jello
6. Oprah
7. Pillows
8. Pregnancy Tests
9. Trees
10. Fertilizer
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P.S. As soon as I log off the computer, in about 20 seconds, I'm going to go assemble the letters I mentioned in my previous post! Feel the excitement!
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Janna's exciting weekend plans

Today I feel the urge to cut apart magazines and newspapers, and re-assemble the words into weird poems and letters... and then send them to people.
I envision it looking very stalker-ish.
Do I have your address?
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Things to say the next time I talk to myself

1. Can I have your number?
2. You're not wearing that outside, are you?
3. Go ask that guy if he has anything in our size.
4. Oooooh, look! Fritos!
5. Let's set fire to that accordion!
6. I dreamed about you last night.
7. Buy me something.
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Six words plus Janna equals... something

If you've been reading the Jannaverse for awhile, you may remember that last April I did a couple posts on six-word-stories.
(Here and Here).
Mary ("TheTeach") had a contest recently for six-word-stories/memoirs, so I submitted some of the ones I'd done. My favorites were these:

******
Occasionally I actually
Believed in something
******
Found you, lost...
Lost you, finally
******
I died once;
You never cried.
******
I awoke
warped further each morning
******
He did NOT taste like chicken.
******

There are plenty of others, as you can see if you click on the links I gave.
I submitted a few of them to the contest, as did 34 other people.
The results were posted today.
I got 3rd place, with this one:

******
Smiles hid the tears
Every time
******

I was surprised that that one won, since I really didn't think it was my best. But hey, at least I placed with something.

First place, incidentally, went to my dear friend Morgen, who wrote this one:

******
Came out
Found love
Now alone
******

So congrats to Morgen for winning first. He's already blogged about it, with a post titled "I won! I won! I won!"
LOL. :)
I could have titled this post "I got 3rd! I got 3rd! I got 3rd!" But that doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
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Wordless Wednesday

Mr. Happy Crack

If you live in Southern Michigan, you've probably seen this commercial on TV. It's for a place that repairs cracks in concrete.
Their commercial cracks me up (no pun intended), because their mascot is "Mr. Happy Crack."
Here, take a look for yourself.
Mr. Happy Crack's motto is "A dry crack is a happy crack!"
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I'll pause here while you make your own jokes.
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Sentences With Just Four Words

1) My armpit smells strange.
2) Look, Superman just tripped!
3) Is it in yet?
4) Chocolate is solid joy.
5) Soapy boobs are slippery.
6) Please don't ignore me.
7) Whose balls are these?
8) I just ate Fluffy.
9) It was an accident.
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Bonus sentences for Manic Monday,
where the theme word is "Heart"...

10) You broke my heart.
11) Die, you heartless bastard.
12) Koala hearts taste funny.
13) I hate candy hearts.
14) Got a "heart on"?

The great plant graveyard

One thing I haven't seen yet in my mailbox is the usual influx of gardening catalogs. It seems like every year, a couple months before springtime, I get stuff from a couple places that actually think I can keep plants alive.
Plants hate me.
I like them, they hate me.
It's been this way for as long as I can remember.
Even now, living in a place with space for four different flower beds, I have failed miserably.
Part of this is the fact that chlorophyll-based life forms have little particles flowing through their veins which, when viewed through a microscope, say "We hate Janna."
Part of it is also due to the fact that my neighbor has chickens which sometimes roam around on my property and peck at any plant they want. Even when I tried planting "hard to kill" things, they died anyway because the chickens scratched around and ruined them.
I suppose it's possible that word of this has finally gotten back to the gardening catalogs, and they have wisely chosen to remove me from their mailing lists.
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On a side note, I haven't seen the chickens for quite awhile, so I'm optimistic about the possibility that they have entered the food chain.
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Thoughts

Today I am going to try making an origami crane out of a Taco Bell wrapper, just to make sure I remember how. It's important to not forget these things. You never know when it might come in handy.
*******************
Remember my list of drink names?
The only one people seemed to like was "Lemontini".
And I've just learned from Fab that actually there is ALREADY a drink with that name.
Dammit!
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It would be cool if happiness came in packets, like ketchup. You could hoard them and keep them in your car, forgetting all about it until one day when you were reaching for the throat of the person next to you. Instead of a satisfying SNAP, you could instead find a few packets of happiness that fell from the visor.
You can still strangle the person if you want, though.
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Groups of words that should not be in the same sentence together

1) Pepsi, arsenic
2) Barbed wire, penis, oops
3) Tofu, food
4) George Bush, MENSA
5) Zucchini, rectum, emergency room
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Bottoms up!

If I was to create some original mixed drink recipes, here are some names it might be fun to call them:

1. Pineappleodeon
2. Flaming Cat Turd
3. Big Mistake
4. Juicy Screamer
5. Lemontini
6. Blue-Eyed Freak
7. Twist And Fall
8. Squeaky Balls
9. Sneeze In The Arctic
10. Cherrosene
11. Splatteronomy
12. Accidental Thought
13. Yellow Snow
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Answer to the quiz

No doubt you are all waiting on the edge of your seats for the answer to the quiz.
Here it is:
Everything on that list is in my bedroom. Even the anatomically correct bull. I swear.
The calendars are one-page thingies I printed out with pictures of guys I liked at the time. One has John M. Jackson, (Admiral Chegwidden from the old CBS show "JAG"), the other has John C. McGinley (who played Dr. Cox on Scrubs). I liked the guys so much that I kept their pictures on my bedroom wall and never took it down, even though the calendars are way outdated now.
The anatomically correct bull, by the way, was a present from my grandmother.
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The rain and my brain

We've had rain all day and it's starting to freeze. After the ice, we're supposed to get some snow. I am staying home.

I will post the answers to my quiz either tonight or tomorrow, depending on whether this headache turns into a migraine. I swear I have way too many headaches. It might be worth it, if it meant I was developing superpowers, but alas. I cannot fly yet, nor can I kill people with my mind. And believe me, I've tried that last one.
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Quiz for today

Which of the following things are in Janna's bedroom?

A) Calendar from 2002, on the wall
B) Calendar from 2001, on the wall
C) Plush stuffed toy version of an anatomically correct male buffalo
D) Earring which has been missing its "mate" for almost 10 years
E) Brand new bottle of bleach
F) Book of crossword puzzles which I have all finished
G) Bedspread/comforter with dolphins on it
H) Bra with a tag that says "Intimate Promise"
I) Book titled "Jack The Ripper"
J) Combination flashlight/radio with dead batteries
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Leave your guesses in the comments.
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Haiku for no reason

*
When there is nothing
Else going on in my head
I write some haiku
*
Too tired to think
Unable to fall asleep
I hate irony
*
Warm little droplets
Quickly grow into a stream
Stop peeing on me
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Stale bag of Ruffles
Mr. Potato Head's ass
Rancid chewy crap
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Barking and drooling
Thank you for letting me live
Giant St. Bernard
*
After the migraine
Beautiful absence of pain
Exhausted relief
*
Hey, look, I'm blogging!
And I'm only using three
(Maybe four) brain cells!
*
"Ten Items Or Less"
Means exactly that, you jerk.
Learn to count. Bite me.
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Manic Monday: Blue

I love it when the MM theme is a color, because it inspires me to make pictures.
Today's theme is blue.
I love blue. I also love leaves. So, today's pictures involve the two together.

I also made a banner out of one of them:
(click to see full size).

If you're disappointed because you were expecting to read something humorous today, you can always click over to my Manic Monday post at Jantics. And if you're completely stressed out, click over to Jantrails.
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Tell me again why I'm a cat person....?

I have a cat.
Actually, I have three.
But only ONE of them is bold enough to poop on the floor, then go to his food dish and look at me as if to say "Well? Aren't you going to feed me?"

Let me make one thing clear.
If I ever visit any of you, I promise NOT to poop on your floor, whether you feed me or not.
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At least I'm the caffeinated version

Awarded by
Tenacious B
to Janna

I got this last month, and didn't remember to post it until today. This is probably because I am a bad person. Or a forgetful person. Or something like that.
I'm not entirely sure what it means to be given the "strong cup of coffee" award. Maybe it means I help wake people up in the morning.
Or maybe it means that if I am consumed in large quantities, I will make you so edgy that you will want to start shooting anyone who is within a six foot radius.
Or maybe I just make people pee a lot.
Either way, I'm choosing to see this as a good thing.
Thank you.
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Various Thoughts

1. If I had a pet parrot, it would be fun to teach him to say "Help! She's turned me into a bird!"

2. I've decided I really love Rice Krispies. If we could just find a way to combine Rice Krispies and Johnny Depp, I would never need to leave the house. Plus, those would be some YUMMY rice-krispy treats. Guess what I'd use instead of the marshmallow creme!

3. To the best of my knowledge, Fab has not yet read the meme I did (as a result of him tagging me). Thus I am thinking up an original meme of my very own, which I will be SURE to tag him with. If I mysteriously turn up missing shortly thereafter, keep this in mind, and search the shed behind his house.

4. Awhile back, I had a band-aid on my thumb. While writing, I got some green fountain pen ink on the bandage, and for awhile it looked like green blood had soaked through. Cool!