I'm going to let you guys decide what you want to see today.
If you want to read a boring post about why I'm in a bad mood, go HERE.
If you want Wordless Wednesday, go HERE.
If you want to see a picture of George Bush holding a book upside down, go HERE.
If you want to read about underwear, go HERE.
Thank you for reading. Have a nice day.
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Last Saturday I did something I've never done before!
I met someone from the blogosphere!
An actual real live person that I met through blogging.... (different from Morgen and Lee and Steve, who I knew long before any of us started blogging)
This may sound like no big deal to you guys, but it really freaks me out to meet new people in person. I'm very self-conscious about that, for reasons I'd rather not go into.
I'd made plans to spend the day with Morgen on Saturday. Well, it just so happened that Wayne was also in town that day, and he stopped in to visit Morgen too! Wayne and Craig live in Lansing, but they were both spending some time in the area camping. So I got to meet them both.
My heart froze in a moment of self-conscious terror as Morgen introduced us.
But apparently there was no need to worry.
Wayne is very cool. He is a sweet, awesome, funny guy! So is Craig!
What a relief!
(Here's a picture I took of Morgen & Wayne)
Wayne's first words to me were "I thought you were Paris Hilton!"
I love people who publicly admit that they read my blog.
LOL ;)
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I need to say what's on my mind right now.
I just finished listening to Fab's show on BlogTalkRadio.
It was a good show, as usual, but there was a problem with the chat room.
Whenever I click to listen to the show, the chat room takes forever to load up. Today it took 20 minutes to load. Two things happen in the meantime.
1. I get a screen animation thing with two electric plugs coming together over and over, with the word "connecting..." under them. This replays over and over and over while I wait. Again, tonight I waited 20 minutes.
2. Apparently what happens in the chat room while I wait is this: Messages keep appearing, saying "Janna has joined the chat room.... Janna has left the chat room.... Janna has joined the chat room..... Janna has left the chat room." Over and over.
It's not the first time that's happened, either.
Tonight when I finally was able to get in, I saw someone had posted something to the effect of "Janna better make up her damn mind and decide whether she wants IN or OUT!"
Excuse me, people.
I'm not clicking out and clicking back in again; that's something that's just automatically happening on its own while I wait and wait and wait. I'm not doing anything to make those messages show up. Sorry if they annoy you. I'm not doing it. It's happening on its own.
Are we clear?
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One of the reasons I hate going to Wal-Mart is because it's such a huge place, and my mobility is not that great these days. My back hurts, my feet hurt, and sometimes my knees hurt too. I used to be on anti-arthritic medication, but I can't afford it any more.
Not to worry, though.
I have found the answer.
The answer is THIS chair.
Just imagine!
With this chair, I could not only reach stuff from the top shelf, but I could effortlessly run down any little old ladies who got in my way.
And am I the only one who can't stand to see kids running around the store, completely unattended by their parents? Not a problem any more. I'll kick this sucker in high gear, and they'll be flatter than a placemat by the time I reach aisle five.
It's a beautiful thing.
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Have you seen this video on YouTube?
It's Japanese, and it's a cartoon about potty training.
It's been viewed over 1,500,000 times by various people.
Apparently Japanese urine is blue. Who knew?
Go watch it... where else can you see animated poop with facial features?
Oh, and if you liked that, here's a version where someone put in fake subtitles, as a spoof. (Best quote: "You have a pretty nice ass, for a kid.")
Helpful hint: If I ever visit you, and I announce that I have to go to the bathroom, please do NOT follow me in there and begin a choreographed song about pooping and peeing. It will only distract me.
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1) "We'll hide the heroin in YOUR garage this year."
2) "Wow, you definitely have a way with dogs."
3) "I'm so glad you're not on fire."
4) "The President would like a word with you."
5) "That cloud up there looks just like my appendix."
6) "Ooops, I thought you were Paris Hilton."
7) "Here, drink this; I want to see if it's poison or not."
8) "Thanks for sharing all that chocolate!"
9) "Welcome to Massachusetts!"
10) "Last night I dreamed you actually made sense."
11) "Pandas really are delicious. Here, taste one."
12) "I love you. Marry me."
13) "If you were to mysteriously turn up missing, I'd be so distraught that I would eventually tell the police where I hid your body."
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantrails: Thirteen ways to spell that feeling you get in your nose right before you sneeze
Jantics: Thirteen things I promise not to drop down your pants
If you've known me for any length of time, you know I love playing Scrabble. I really get into it. I am like a crazed shark who smells blood in the water. I play for keeps. I take no prisoners. Well, ok, maybe a FEW good-looking prisoners to hang from my bedroom ceiling in a big metal cage.
But that's beside the point.
Facebook has an application where you can play Scrabble online. They call it "Scrabulous." And I have gotten hooked.
Fab is also on Facebook, and he also plays Scrabulous.
I found out that we both take pride in our playing, so we challenged each other to a tournament.
Best out of seven.
We even made a wager.: If HE won, I had to write a blog post where I listed something about him for every letter of the alphabet. If I won, he had to do a particular song parody I'd requested. (I won't tell you which one).
The Scrabulous battle went like this:
I won the first one.
He won the second one.
I won the third one.
I also won the fourth.
He won the fifth.
He also won the sixth.
So, by then we were tied, three and three. Whoever won the seventh game was destined to be the grand champion exalted ruler of the universe for all eternity!
Or something like that.
It was so exciting I peed my pants at least twice.
Wait... forget I said that.
Are you ready to hear who won? Are ya? Huh? Are ya?
It was meeeeeee! Yay! :)
And believe me, I was worried for awhile there. Fab can be a VERY formidable opponent when he is in "the zone". That fifth game was absolute HELL. He cleared his tray four times, three of which were on triple word scores. And one of those was on TWO triple word scores. He got over a hundred points for that word. ("LAUNDERS")
His final score for that fifth game was over five hundred points. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.
I applaud Fab's awesome Scrabble skills. He is very good.
Soooooo, naturally I'm excited about getting to hear my parody, right?
I figured he'd have it ready by the end of the week. After all, it only took him a day or two to post his video response to Turnbaby's wager, right?
Alas.
Below is a copy of our recent e-mail thread (printed with his permission).
My words are printed in BLUE, his are printed in RED.
(The "Shakespeare book" I mention is in reference to a gift I sent him last week. It was a book of insults compiled from the works of Shakespeare, complete with their "translations" into modern English.)
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Final tally:
Fab: 3
Me: 4
I look forward to seeing/hearing your parody posted on Drivel soon. :)
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Well, soon is a relative term... I have owed Robin a song parody for six months. I think I have owed Shelli a karaoke song for nine months. You can't rush creative genius, you know :)
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MONTHS???
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LOL You can't rush a parody you know. If you do, you get a lousy parody. You have to FEEL it...
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In that case, I am screwed.
Have you EVER really "felt" me?
I wonder if Turnbaby would help me file a lawsuit...
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I think she does family law. Are we related?
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We are all related in the greater family of mankind.
Besides, it's about time she learned how to do a breach-of-contract lawsuit.
You can get Mrs. Fab as your lawyer, I can get Turnbaby as mine, and we can all go out for a lovely dinner or something.
I want crab cakes.
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I like crab cakes!
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LOL.
Forsooth, methinks I have been tricked.
Not at all! I have a very heavy backlog of projects. I promise I will do it! I swear!
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Look on the bright side, everyone. This means I get to have Fab hanging from my bedroom ceiling in a big steel cage.
And, really, when you come right down to it, that's all I've ever wanted out of life anyway.
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Fun things to write in the frost on someone's windshield:
1) Oh, sorry.... I thought you were someone else.
2) I like broccoli.
3) Pay attention to me, or I'll kill you when you least expect it.
4) Thermonuclear dynamics are for everyone!
5) Good luck getting those brakes to work! Hahaha!
6) Meow... hiss! Woof, Arf, Bark! Grrrr!!
7) I think of you when I'm in the shower... holding a razor.
8) Can I shave you? All over?
9) My liver itches.
10) Congratulations on living another day.
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantics: Why none of my plants will ever live past the first month
Jantrails: Sick people who dip french fries into milkshakes
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Remember the poll Teri did this week? ("Who is crazier, Janna or Fab?")
I'm pleased to announce that I won!
Here are the results.
Actually I'm shocked. I thought for SURE Fab would knock this one out of the ball park.
Someone shoot me, I just used a sports metaphor.
I had a longer post planned for today, but instead I think I'll get off the computer. (Not to be confused with "Getting off while I'm ON the computer", which is another thing entirely-- not that I would know anything about that).
Anyway, the reason I'll be logging off is because there are storms approaching. We're under a tornado watch until midnight. Some counties are under a tornado warning, which means tornadoes are already being spotted. On my way home I could see big storm clouds in the distance with lightning in them, and now I can hear thunder off in the distance.
So I'm going to go light some candles just in case the power goes out.
That way I won't be immediately enveloped in utter darkness.
If a tornado does hit, and I get swept away, here are three things that might happen:
1) I may land on your kitchen table, wearing a pair of ruby slippers and a cheap blue dress that does not compliment my figure. If you don't HAVE a kitchen table, please hurry up and get one before I land. That floor looks awfully hard.
2) Hailstones may hit me repeatedly in the head, causing me to think I am Carmen Miranda. I will then attempt to wear a giant hat made of fruit, which will be so heavy it will instantly snap my neck.
3) I will be blown across the border into Canada, and will enjoy it so much I will want to spend the rest of my life there. (Which may be brief, depending on how soon I wear the fruit-hat.)
Sorry I couldn't bring you a list of thirteen.
Now please go spread something soft on your kitchen table.
If you don't hear from me for a few days, e-mail Canada.
(They DO have e-mail there, right?)
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If your instant response to that was "Um, YEAH!", then read on.
Teri is conducting a poll on her blog.
She wants people to vote on who is crazier: Me or Fab.
Sooooo, if any of you would like to vote for me, it would be super cool if you could go over and help me out. :)
If you'd like further proof of my craziness, here are some posts that might refresh your memory:
I am always thinking, even when I am sick
AND when I'm in the Emergency Room, too!!
Someday I might even develop superpowers....
And someday the tabloids will love me
After all, things could always be worse.
And yet, somehow the "Ketchup Experiment" turned out ok....
I know. I know. Fab is crazy too. There's ample evidence of that.
Plus, he has a readership of hundreds, and it's only a matter of time before they all vote for him and leave me trampled in the dust like a drunk raccoon that fell off the wagon train, burping up Triscuits while wearing a neon orange bikini.
Still, it would be fun to get votes on this. Please?
I have so little.
Work with me here. Go vote.
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I understand nothing about sports.
Really, it's ok. Don't feel bad for me. I've decided not to worry about it.
Baseball, for example. Apparently you hit the ball into 18 diamond-shaped holes while trying not to hit the net or knock the racket into the gutter.
This is completely different from football, where you can't hit your opponent over the head with a bat unless the puck has bounced on the sand at least once.
Hockey is even more violent. A lot of fights break out there, when teammates reach for the balls in each other's baskets and throw whatever they find into a homemade plate. This is known as making a "touch down."
Bowling can be painful too, especially when you aren't allowed to use your hands. You CAN kick the bowling ball into the end zone, though, or bounce it off your knees or elbows. You can even bounce it off your head if you want. This explains why bowlers drink so much beer.
I can see why ESPN feels the need to devote an entire network to this.
Sort of.
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Two pictures of me sitting on the toilet this afternoon while holding a harp tuning wrench against my face for no apparent reason:
I am pleased to announce that I am now able to listen to Blog Talk Radio shows LIVE again.
They added a link beneath the player which opens up Windows Media Player so I can listen the way I used to.
I tested it out and it works!
Fab had an extra show tonight (in addition to his usual one which will be 7pm on Sunday), and I was able to hear the whole thing with no problems at all.
Whew!
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Want bigger boobs? Eat cookies!
Cookies specially designed to enlarge your bustline!
Like THESE, for example...
Thirsty? How about some turkey and gravy flavored soda?
Or some dinner roll flavored soda? Pea soda? Antacid soda?
You think I'm kidding? Click HERE.
Ever seen a cube-shaped watermelon?
Or a watermelon shaped like a face?
Or a heart-shaped cucumber? BEHOLD.
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1) My dinner last night was a bowl of cereal
2) Yesterday's most exciting event: Finding my glasses
3) For fun while I was bored, I drank a bottle of carbonated water and tried to see how many blogger's names I could belch afterward. (Note: It is easer to belch "Fab" than "Mr. Fabulous," but both can be done)
4) I have never done drugs.
5) My favorite hairstyle is a ponytail... and I've worn a ponytail for the past 20 years.
6) I have absolutely no interest in skydiving, bungee jumping, or anything else that pits me against gravity. Gravity's a bitch. I know better.
7) Neither do I have any interest in deep sea diving, outer space, or any other place that only allows me to breathe with specialized equipment that could break at any moment. I enjoy oxygen. I've grown rather fond of it.
8) I really don't like driving faster than 60mph.
9) I can carry on a 5-minute conversation with my cats, just by saying "meow" in various different ways.
10) I know the difference between a melodic minor scale, a natural minor scale, and a harmonic minor scale.... and I will gladly explain them to anyone who shows even the slightest bit of interest.
11) I know the names of at least six Ferengi, and will gladly explain the Star Trek episodes they appeared in.
12) I don't like jam or jelly on toast. I don't like anything on toast except butter. (Well, maybe a little peanut butter once in awhile.)
13) I don't like syrup on waffles, french toast, or pancakes. The only acceptable topping is butter.
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I found my glasses!
It took exactly four hours and fifteen minutes.
Here were the guesses I received:
Tug: 2 hours
Lee: 1 week, 2 days, 4 hours, and 36 minutes
Katherine: 48 minutes
Lynda: one day ("tomorrow")
Wayne: 14 hours
It looks like the closest was Tug!
Congratulations, Tug, you've won a Jannagraphic!
Let me know what you'd like.
And THANK YOU to everyone who participated in the guessing.
Now if you'll excuse me, I... what? You want to know where they were?
Well, you were all right. they were on my bed after all. they'd somehow gotten folded up in an extra nightgown I'd set off to the side. I don't know WHY I didn't find them the first dozen times I looked.
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I seem to have lost my glasses.
This is very frustrating.
Obviously it's very hard for me to see without them.
I'm wearing my "spares" right now, but I hate them because they're not a style I like AND they're an older prescription.
I don't understand what could have happened. I know I must have been wearing them last night because I was reading right before bed. Yet when I woke up this morning they were NOT where I always leave them. I've looked everywhere I can think of, even places I knew they couldn't possibly be.
Nothing.
They have disappeared.
I'm taking bets as to how long it will be before I find them. Anyone want to get in on this? How long do you think it will be? Four minutes? Eight hours? Six days? A week? Two and a half weeks? A month? Seven years? Let me know in the comments. If you win, I'll make a Jannagraphic for you, like a large sign, or maybe three mini-signs.
The winner is the person whose guess is the closest without going over. In the event of duplicate correct guesses, the winner is the person who commented first.
Ugh. I think this older prescription is giving me a headache already...
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I'm so excited!
Last month I spent a few days guest-posting on Pointless Drivel while Fab was on a mini-vacation. It was tons of fun and I loved it.
As a gesture of thanks, Fab sent me presents!
(Can you imagine? I feel like I'm the one who should be sending HIM stuff!)
Fab knows I love hot stuff (see THIS post), so he sent a variety of hot sauces. This is so cool! (Well it's hot and cool at the same time). I'm going to try them in just a few moments, and I'll blog about each one immediately after I've tried it, so you can get my honest impressions of each.
Remember, I'm a tough cookie when it comes to hot sauce. I like it HOT, dammit. The hotter the better. There is no such thing as "too hot".
I used to know someone, many years ago, whose motto was "If it's 'too hot', YOU'RE 'too weak.'"
So wise.
Here we go. Are you ready?
Number one is "Widow" hot sauce. I love the bottle because it's got a big black widow spider on it, along with the words "No Survivors".
Next, we have "Scorpion" hot sauce.
Next, there's "357 Mad Dog".
The 4th bottle is "Hog's Ass." Fab sent two of these, probably because I mentioned this brand in my Thursday Thirteen post awhile back. The bottle has a wild boar on it, and the words "You can bite a hog's ass if you don't like my garlic habanero sauce!"1. Begin singing Monty Python songs during the moments of prayer
2. Ask the person next to me how many brussels sprouts they can fit in their ass
3. Scream "Why, oh dear lord WHY the hell am I still single and alone at the ripe old age of 37?"
4. Attach Wal-Mart price stickers to random items in the room
5. Grope a stranger and then say "Oh, sorry; I thought you were my cousin."
6. Dance with my alternate personalities and then have a fight about who's going to lead
7. Look suspiciously at the pastor and say "Didn't I see you on 60 Minutes last week?"
8. Hide under the table and begin meowing
9. Swim in the chocolate fountain (though I wanted to)
10. Die of a hideous fatal disease which strikes without warning and kills its victims within seconds
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Jerry Seinfeld once did a bit where he talks about having to "go back to square one":
"At least it is the only numbered square in the game. Nobody ever says 'Well, back to oval seven.'"
I think of that now and then. I like the idea of "oval seven."
Anyway, I'm back to square one, regarding the whole BlogTalkRadio thing.
As you may remember from my earlier angst-ridden posts, the tech support folks had said I needed Windows Media Player version 11.
I'm unable to upgrade to that version, because I'm stuck with Windows 98 for the foreseeable future. And Windows 98 is not compatible with WMP-11.
So I sadly resigned myself to my fate, until Alan Levy, the CEO of BlogTalkRadio, left a comment on my post. In case you missed it, here's what he wrote:
I am not sure where you picked up this information and if it came from our customer service group than I apologize.
Windows Media 11 is not required to listen to live shows. I use WMP9 and the streaming works perfectly.
If you are having having issues with streaming, please trouble shoot them directly with Amy Domestico at amydomestico@blogtalkradio.com
Alan Levy
CEO
So, I'm back to wondering what the problem is.
If WMP-9 works fine for Alan Levy, why won't WMP-10 work for me?
The plot thickens.
So the story's not over yet.
There may still be hope.
I will keep you posted.
Let's eat some potato chips and search the internet while we wait.
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As you can see, I've changed my banner again.
Since I have so much fun making graphics, I change my banner often.
Sometimes I change it multiple times per week.
The previous one was really up for quite awhile, compared to usual.
If you despise this new one, just wait. It'll be gone eventually.
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Well, I e-mailed tech support at BlogTalkRadio.
And we seem to have pinpointed the problem.
Their recent upgrades require the newest version of Windows Media Player (version 11).
But that version's only available for Windows Vista and Windows XP.
I'm stuck with Windows 98, and won't be able to upgrade anytime soon.
Here's the reason I can listen to the archives but not the live shows: They use two different players. The archives use Flash (which I apparently have), but the live shows now require the Media Player I'm unable to get.
Dammit.
At least now I know WHY things aren't working.
I'm really sad and disappointed, but at least now I know what the problem is.
And I have to say I'm impressed at how fast the tech support guy answered me. It was within minutes. He was polite and intelligent and sympathetic. Even though my problem didn't get fixed, I still developed respect for the tech support folks over there.
To my favorite BTR hosts: I love you and am SO sorry that I won't be able to listen to your shows live any more. Please allow me a few moments to cry on your shoulder.
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I'm really pissed off about something, so prepare yourself for a rant.
I am livid, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, and any other synonym you'd care to add in there.
It's about this new "improved" system they've got over at Blog Talk Radio.
I'm not able to hear any of the shows at all anymore. The sound simply does not work.
And no one can tell me WHY.
I've tried all sorts of crap like refreshing the page, or clicking on different links to get there... worthless. Doesn't help. And yes, my speakers are turned up. Other sounds get through just fine, like my e-mail notification sound, and the sound that happens when I open and close programs. The only thing that doesn't work is Blog Talk Radio. All I get there is total silence.
The problem is that the player box up in the corner is all grayed out.
See the picture? That's what it looks like, every time, no matter what I do. The player does not work.
There's some small consolation in the fact that it seems to be happening to a few other people as well. But MOST people seem to be able to get it to work, and I don't understand why I can't. What the hell is the problem?
This infuriates me to no end, because there are a couple shows out there I really really really REALLY WANT to hear.
And now I can't.
To add to the frustration, the chat room works just fine, so I'm presented with lively chat from plenty of other people who can hear just fine. Lots of them are using the exact same browser I am (Firefox). I want to join in, but can't hear what they're hearing. So far no one has been able to get this thing fixed.
Believe me, I realize that in the larger scheme of things, this is perhaps not a huge deal, but please understand. It's a big deal to ME.
And I'm so frustrated I could just scream.
At least then I'd hear something.
Additional Note: When I go back later to listen through the show ARCHIVES, I AM able to hear. The player looks completely different then (see picture). It works just fine then. Why isn't this coming up when I try to listen to the show live??
I would much rather be able to listen live, so I can join in the chat room and be able to call in with some general idea of what's being discussed.
Still waiting for help.....
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Once upon a time there was a princess named Blurfy.
Blurfy hated her name, and always suspected that her parents named her after someone's dog... or possibly a gerbil.
One day, while wandering around the kingdom in her new princess gown, trying to look as royal as possible, she happened to find a frog with a little crown on its head.
"Hi," said the frog.
Blurfy gasped. "You can talk!"
"Indeed. I'm a prince. There was a spell placed on me by a real bitch a few months ago. Er, I mean, a witch. Actually, she was both. Anyway, kiss me and I'll change back into my human form!"
"Kiss a frog?"
"Hey, I'll make it worth your while. I've got plenty of tongue action going on, if you know what I mean. Say, aren't you Princess Blurfy?"
"Yes."
"I know why your parents named you that."
The princess gasped. "You do? Tell me! Was it a dog? A gerbil? What?"
"First, kiss me. Then I'll tell you."
So, Blurfy picked up the frog, and gave him a demure little kiss.
He zipped his tongue into her mouth, and quickly back out again.
She recoiled in disgust. "Ew, that tasted like dead flies!"
The frog started to answer but then a magical transformation began as he morphed back into his human form. In less than half a minute, he became a very handsome prince, with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile that made her weak in the knees.
"So, um, wanna go, um, talk or something?" Blurfy suggested hopefully.
"Actually, I've got to get going. My girlfriend lives over in the next kingdom, and she's probably wondering what the hell happened to me."
"Your WHAT? You didn't say anything about having a girlfriend!"
"I know. No one wanted to kiss me if I told them that part."
He started walking Southeast, in the direction of the nearest kingdom.
"But wait a minute! What about my name? You said you'd tell me how I got my name! Did my parents name me after a.... after something?"
"No," he answered, without bothering to turn around. "They just hated you."
And that's the story of how Blurfy decided to become an evil witch, eventually going back in time and turning the prince into a frog, thus creating a never-ending loop in the space-time continuum.
The End (and the beginning... and the end...).
I love it when the Manic Monday theme is a color, because it inspires me to make pictures.
Other people invent stunning technology, cure diseases, discover ancient artifacts, and build rockets that go to the moon..... I make pretty pictures.
It's ok. I'm not bitter.
Feel free to use any of these on your own blogs, if you'd like. Just mention me and/or my Jannagraphics site somewhere in the post, please!
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