Now I understand

I get a lot of headaches.
I've come to the conclusion that it's all the aliens' fault. Somewhere out there a group of them is trying to adjust their interstellar TV reception so they can watch re-runs of Welcome Back Kotter, and the waves just happen to be traveling through my brain before they make it back. They turn my brain cells into little sharp pointy things that poke each other, which is why my migraines hurt so bad.
And sometimes their reception gets screwed up; instead of Welcome Back Kotter they accidentally catch episodes of American Idol-- which is why sometimes my migraines make me throw up.
So, in order to rid me of migraines forever, the solution is simple.
We need to have an interstellar war.
Thank you in advance.
I really appreciate it.
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Thirteen Things One Should NOT Do While Sitting On The Toilet

1) Prepare dinner
2) Propose
3) Get married
4) Meet Michael Jackson
5) Get a massage
6) Shout "Hey, y'all; watch this!"
7) Play with firecrackers
8) Juggle knives
9) Take pictures
10) Eat salami
11) Fantasize about Dr. Phil
12) Have a kidney transplant
13) Shout "It's alive! I'm going to name it Bruce!"
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantrails: Name of 13 aliens who may (or may not) have probed me before hitting me with the selective amnesia ray
Jantics: 13 things that can not fit in a 5x7 envelope
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Wordless Wednesday

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Spank me with a quarter note, Fluffy; I've been a bad girl

After a month's vacation, tonight is our first band rehearsal of the fall season.
I'm gonna let ya in on a little secret here...
I haven't practiced at all.
Haven't even taken the horn out of the case.
Woops.
Well, hopefully I won't sound TOO much like a dying calf tonight.
Shhhh..... don't tell anyone.
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Waiting for autumn

Less than a month to go, and summer will be over.
Thank goodness.
I am ready for the beauty of autumn... the crisp frosty mornings, chilly nights, colorful leaves, the sights and scents of harvest time out here in the country...
And of course, there's our annual tradition where we all get together and send hate mail to the sun for making us suffer through yet another hot humid summer.
Or, wait.... maybe it's just me who does that.
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Apathy and Exhaustion

I am tired, damn it all
My head just wants to cram it all
I need to rest, I need a nap
And maybe then I'll give a crap
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Speak up, sonny, I can't hear you... or see you...

When I was younger, I noticed that sometimes "older" people would have trouble reading things like a magazine or a newspaper. They'd have to hold it out away from them for a moment until the words came into focus.
I never understood this. It seemed silly. What difference could a few inches make?
[Insert relevant sex joke here]
But today, while I was trying to read the side of a cereal box, I caught myself moving the box just a little further away to bring the words into focus. I couldn't help it; they were... blurry somehow... even though I was wearing my glasses at the time.
**sob**
I am getting old.
Do they make retirement homes for 37-year-old people?
If not, can I just come live with YOU?
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Random things that came to mind

Whew! I am all caught up now, responding to comments. Consider yourself answered! And thanks very much to all of you who leave comments. I love you all!

For some reason I've been bruising easily... today I found four bruises on my stomach and I have no idea how they got there.

My longhaired cat is shedding clumps of fur the size of a Volkswagen.

I seem to have run out of Excedrin.
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Thoughts regarding various body parts

1) My left leg is numb a lot when I sit at the computer. I think it's jealous of something. I always tell it I'll pay attention to it later, but no, it has to pout and go all numb on me. Stupid leg.

2) My right leg is ALMOST all healed from the bottle incident that occurred over four months ago.

3) There is currently a green highlighter placed in between my boobs. Just for the next three minutes or so.

4) Why are my left knee (and left elbow) always drier and scratchier than my right knee (and right elbow)? I always have to use more lotion on that side. Why am I such a moisture-symmetry-challenged person?

5) My left ring finger has a permanent dent in it, from the hematite rings I wear all the time.

6) The green highlighter is now back in my desk drawer.
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Thirteen delirious thoughts I might have had while I was very very sick

1) People would look better if there was a third ear right on the tip of their chin.

2) Look at all the dancing kangaroos! How do they stick to the ceiling like that?

3) My name is Gertrude and I play the accordion.

4) I will crush you with my magic super spleen of invincible-ness!

5) Maybe American Idol wasn't so bad after all.

6) The carpet is growing into my private jungle of solitude! Enter if you dare!

7) My consciousness is swirling into a dizzying centrifuge of marshmallows and graham cracker crumbs. Wait..... was that a square of chocolate?

8) You can have my first kidney, and maybe my second kidney, but you can never take my top secret hidden "third" kidney. It's in the witness protection program and is currently under a false name. I can't tell you the name, but it rhymes with "shiver".

9) I had no idea plaid flamingoes could sing so well!

10) When you stop to think about it, bran cereal is REALLY sexy.

11) If there were any flowers around, they could hear my thoughts.

12) Somewhere in South America is a pack of coyotes that ritualistically dedicate all their prey to the toes on my left foot.

13) Oh, look, it's a dozen tailgaters, and they're all being dropped head first into a big vat of vanilla pudding.... Quick, seal the lid before they can get out!!
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I am here!

Thank you all for coming back to see if I am still alive. Believe me, there were times when I began wondering myself.
I have been very ill lately.
I underwent two very painful medical procedures, one of which resulted in a nasty infection.
Things got so bad I had to go live with my mother for a few days so she could take care of me. I'm still in pain, but not nearly as much as before. And now I'm back home, able to care for myself again.
Health permitting, I'm going to try going back to posting every day now.
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By the way, I was so sick that I lost a total of 21 pounds in nine days.
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brief hiatus

I'm sorry to leave you guys hanging, but I'm going to need to take a brief break from blogging, for at least a few days... maybe a week. Not sure.
My health has taken a turn for the worse, and I'm in a lot of pain.
I'll return to the blogosphere as soon as I can.
Please don't give up on me.

The reason I started blogging.....

...is Morgen.
That's it, plain and simple.
I apologize for neglecting to mention this in my previous post.
Morgen had begun blogging, and had quickly grown to love it. He knew how I loved writing (I often wrote Lee letters that were over fifty pages... some were even over a hundred pages). He'd suggested a couple times that I start a blog, (Lee might have suggested it as well), but I was reluctant. I didn't want anyone to plagiarize my stuff, and it's depressingly easy to do that these days. I've had friends whose blog posts have been copied and stuck on someone else's blog, and claimed as someone else's work. That would infuriate me, especially if it was something I spent a lot of time on or something I was particularly proud of.
Yet, one day I took the plunge anyway. August 13, 2006.
And, one year later, I'm still glad I did.
Thank you, Morgen, for talking me into this.
(See the picture he made for me? It's got a drop of water, commemorating the fact that the original title of my blog was "One More Raindrop In A Bloggy Ocean." Now that's just the subtitle)
The blogosphere is a wonderful magical place.
If only there were cookies.
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I'm glad you dropped in

Today is my one-year blogiversary.
Imagine that.... I've been blogging for a whole year.
In one sense, it doesn't seem that long, yet it's hard to remember a pre-blog existence.
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to drop in during the past 12 months. Hopefully you'll continue to visit me in the next year as well.
Thanks for reading.
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Highlights from my day

I went to a bridal shower today. (For Kristen, who is marrying Dennis... both of them are fun people from band/ABC group.)
It was up in Lapeer, Michigan, which is about a two-hour drive.
Morgian (awesome baritone/euphonium player from band and ABC group) and I rode there together. Thanks for letting me tag along, Morgian! :)
Morgian rocks. She really does.

Even if her truck doesn't have air conditioning, I like it anyway. It's one of those vehicles with plenty of "personality". Better yet, it matches HER personality. For example, twice during our journey today, the windshield wipers came on spontaneously. Just one flip UP, flop DOWN, then they were done. No reason.

I love weird bizarre spontaneous people who do silly fun things for no apparent reason. If that aptly describes you, we might make good friends. Send me a resume.

During the two hour drive (four hours, round trip) with no AC, we had the windows down, and basked in the roaring breeze while she drove between 70 and 78 on the highway. It was great.

After i got home, though, I realized something...
I am getting a sunburn on the arm that was next to the window. It's sore and pink. I can't find any aloe in the bathroom, but I've splashed some cold water on it. I think I have some Gold Bond Medicated Powder I can put on it too.

But still, I'm glad I went.

One more fun memory of today: Y'know the song Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen? Ever seen the movie Wayne's World, where the two guys have a grand time thrashing away while they sing it? Well, on the way there, that song came on the radio. Morgian turned the volume way up, and we both sang the whole thing just like Wayne and Garth. We both seemed to know all the words, which further proves just how cool we are.

Or something like that. :)
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The ketchup experiment is complete!!

I have finished the ketchup experiment!
Yesterday I consumed the very last of the bottle (along with some fries).
Remember this was an unrefrigerated bottle, left out in the miserable skanky summer heat, with a post-it-note attached that said "Diseases and Bacteria: Come live here!"
Ok, I'm just kidding about the note.
But I really did eat the ketchup. It's all gone now.
A whole day has passed since I finished it, and I seem to be ok.
Or at least I'm not any more screwed up than usual.
So I guess Fab was right, both HERE and HERE.
Shhhh, don't tell him that, though. It will only encourage him. :)
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Math Problem For Today

There are 39 people in a room which is 20' x 20', each occupying an equal amount of space. The surrounding air temperature is 98 degrees, and the humidity is 80%.
Arnold decides to make a smartass comment about Sally's recipe for salmon croquettes.
Assuming Arnold is 5' 11" 180 lbs, Will Sally decide to kill him with the shrimp fork or the salad fork?
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A frightening percentage of the following statements are true:

1. I am currently wearing two band-aids.

2. I just made an origami crane out of a Post-It Note. It's pink.

3. My head hurts.

4. I am completely naked, about 3 feet away from an almost-empty box of shredded wheat.

5. It is so humid here that I've begun sprouting gills, which should come in handy next week when I throw myself off a bridge in utter despair.

6. My head REALLY hurts.

7. Mr. Fab has not visited my blog since Tuesday. Coincidentally, he was named after a bridge.

8. I am craving an Arby's "Chicken-Bacon-Swiss" sandwich, but will be eating a cheap 39-cent pot pie instead.

9. There are tons of mosquito bites on my feet which itch, itch, itch!! I scratched them a little too vigorously, which broke the skin, which means whenever my skin gets sweaty, all the salt runs into the hurtful spots and burns like crazy.

10. An invisible rock named Murp has just asked me to be his friend. He's saying he's an amethyst, but just between you and me, I think he may be feeding me a line of B.S.
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Soda and Pop

It has come to my attention that some people refer to carbonated beverages as "Soda", whereas others prefer to call them "Pop".

We here in Michigan drink pop.
Soda is white powdery stuff that keeps the refrigerator from stinking.
Yet I often find myself using the word "soda" when I blog, just so more people will understand what I mean.

I used to have a friend in California who would sometimes laugh when I referred to Coke as "pop". He had been indoctrinated by the high dalai lama of California-ness to believe that all carbonated beverages must be referred to as "soda."

See the confusion here?

Michigan:
Coke = pop
Soda = white powdery stuff

California:
Soda = Coke
Coke = white powdery stuff

Then I hear there are some regions in the U.S. that refer to all carbonated beverages as "Coke", regardless of the brand or flavor. Imagine this exchange:
"Would you like a Coke?"
"Sure."
"What kind?"
"Orange."

This would drive me mad.
Can't we all just come to some sort of agreement? Compromise?
For example, we could have orange-flavored powder which we--
No, wait. we already have that. It's called Tang.

I will now take a couple aspirin (with my pop) and get back to blogging.
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Enough memes to gag a horse

I have been tagged for a lot of memes lately.
I'm going to answer them all in this post (take a deep breath and get comfy!).
As per my usual policy, I will not tag anyone. This is because I love all of you and do not want to receive any death threats.

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First, LYNDA tagged me with the Schmooze Award. I am honored (I think). Here's what the award's creator has to say about it:

"Schmoozing, as defined by Dictionary.com is the ability “to converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.” When it comes to blogging, schmoozing is your ticket to making new friends, getting yourself noticed and building a reputation. Some bloggers are gifted with the ability to effectively schmooze and others not so much."

This is sweet, except really I'm more of a misanthropic bitter old crone. Even so, thank you, Lynda! :)

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Next, Morgen tagged me with the Archive Meme.

This is how it works:

Go back through your archives and post the links to your five favorite blog posts that you've written. ...
Link 1 must be about family.
Link 2 must be about friends.
Link 3 must be about yourself, who you are... what you're all about...
Link 4 must be about something you love
Link 5 can be anything you choose.

Here are my links:
#1: Family
#2: Friends
#3: Me
#4: Something I love
#5: Anything

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And then, our final meme-tag comes from bluepaintred, who tagged me with this thing about blogging advice.

I'm supposed to put an asterisk beside the suggestions that I like, (next to the asterisks other people have already left.)

Then I add my own blogging tip to the bottom of the list.

1. Look, read, and learn. *****
http://www.neonscent.com
2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****
http://www.bushmackel.com
3. Don’t let money change ya! *****
http://www.therandomforest.info
4. Always reply to your comments. ****
http://chattiekat.com
5. Blog about what you know & love. **
http://sugar-queens-dream.blogspot.com
6. Alt tag your images for added search engine exposure. **
http://fracas.wordpress.com
7. Blogging is supposed to be fun, Don't let it stress you!*
http://www.where-was-i.com
8. Don't be afraid to look crazy now and then.
http://jannaverse.blogspot.com/

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Whew. I feel better now that I've answered all these and crossed them off my "to-do" list.
Remember, I'm not tagging any of you, so please love me profusely.
Send cookies.
I love chocolate chip.
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TV Thoughts

I have the theme music from I Dream Of Jeannie stuck in my head.
No doubt this is due to the topic of Morgen's radio show this week: Classic Sitcoms.
If I had cable/satellite/directTV, I would probably spend a decent amount of time watching Nick At Nite or TV Land.
I'd also love to watch The History Channel, The Discovery Channel, The Cartoon Network, and The Food Network.
Ooooh, and The Weather Channel.
I LOVE The Weather Channel.
Years ago, when I lived in an apartment in another town, and actually had cable, I once watched The Weather Channel for 12 hours straight.
Might've been longer... but it was at least 12 hours.
Hey, gimme a break; it was hurricane season. That kind of stuff fascinates me. :)
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But since I don't get good TV reception out here, I blog instead.
(Lucky YOU, huh?)
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Manic Monday: Lie

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Thoughts About Thoughts

I have no idea what to say
But here I'm typing anyway
Although my brain is truly fried
And I feel emptiness inside
So many things to stab my mind
A thousand edges all combined
My sanity I hope to keep
And hold it tightly while I sleep
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I understand

Send cookies or something...

In ten days I will have my one-year blogiversary.
My first blog post was on August 13, 2006.
It's hard to believe a whole year has gone by!
I have no idea how to celebrate this, but hopefully I'll think of something. :)
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Thirteen Random Items For No Reason

1) A pile of bear droppings in Yellowstone Park
2) Bacon grease stain on a green shirt
3) Satellite dish in the back yard of someone named "Billy Bob"
4) Twelve-year-old saxophone which has never been played by a good musician
5) Office water cooler which has been peed in by a disgruntled employee
6) Beef burrito on a paper plate, about to be eaten by someone from Romania
7) Half a cup of pomegranate juice
8) Chunk of cement which was once thrown at the TV during a Presidential speech
9) Dictionary which translates Arabic into Danish
10) Quaint old barn being set on fire by a pyromaniac juvenile delinquent whose parents weren't very good with discipline
11) Half a bagel with peanut butter on it
12) Elm tree which has been strewn with toilet paper
13) Scottish terrier named Pete, who has just sniffed the ass of a French poodle named Foofie.
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantrails: Thirteen Habits I Could Have That Would Be WORSE Than My PR Obsession
Jantics: Thirteen Color Names That Would Be BAD For Nail Polish
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Entomological Jealousy

A few days ago I did a post about lightning bugs (or fireflies, depending on what you want to call them).
I've been informed that fireflies CAN control their flashes, and that it appears to be related to mating.
This reminds me of something that happened in my bathroom recently.
(No, keep reading, stick with me here)
I was sitting there, doing my business, when I saw two fireflies on the wall right next to me, and they were hooked together, back to back. It was the strangest thing. Joined together, almost if they were... were having.....
**POW!!!**
I instantly smashed them with my closed fist.
And I heard myself mutter the following:
"If I don't get to have any, YOU don't get to have any."

Y'see, it's been 12 years, and.... well...

So how come when I stick this light bulb in MY various orifices, I can't make it light up, no matter how much I want to mate?
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