It's four in the morning.
You are probably asleep.
I have been awake all night.
Since humans breathe more slowly when they sleep, their oxygen consumption is lower.
I'd like to thank you for this, because it means you left more for ME to breathe.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Hey, what are you doing awake?
Go back to sleep.
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Of course I've made peace with the fact that I've lost my mind, but there are still times when I miss it. My mind and I would do such fun things together. It would talk to me at 3 in the morning and demand to know why I wasn't sleeping on a bed of asparagus, and I'd reply, "You'll never take me alive, you filthy bastard!"
Then we would both laugh and laugh, while I wrote on myself with purple markers.
I don't remember the exact day my mind left, but I think I was wearing blue.
My mind hated it when I wore blue.
It left to run off with some nerdy guy from Luxembourg. His name might have been George.
Sometimes I miss George too.
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Manic Monday on my other blogs:
Jantics: When gas was 89 cents...
Jantrails: Other things I miss from my childhood
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Earlier in the afternoon there was a lightning bug crawling on my living room ceiling.
But since it was daytime, I couldn't see if he was lighting up or not.
Do fireflies only light up when it's dark, or is it a chemical reaction that happens all the time, regardless of the surrounding light level?
Now that I think about it, I guess the latter would be true.
Imagine living your whole life with your butt spontaneously glowing every few seconds.
Now imagine if you had to screw in the new bulbs every time they burned out.
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Summer lasts too long.
Summer in Michigan is a hot humid mitten-shaped hell, similar to being clenched in Satan's sweaty palm for 3 or 4 months straight.
I'd prefer for the Michigan summers to be much shorter. Most of the year should be either cool spring, cool autumn, or winter.
The ideal summer would last about 20 minutes. And I'd like forewarning, so I can stay at a friend's air conditioned house during those 20 minutes. If we end up watching a good movie, I might consider allowing summer to last 2 hours instead.
It could go something like this:
3:00 (SPRING): Arrive at friend's air conditioned house, sit down to watch movie
3:01 (SUMMER): Outdoor temperatures rise above 75 degrees, misery and humidity spreads throughout the state, causing widespread agony and despair. Ice cream stands experience a marked increase in traffic, causing a shortage of chocolate vanilla swirl. People rush home so they can change into shorts. Pets shed twice as much as usual. Dogs begin panting, rapidly filling the atmosphere with a 300% increase in dog breath.
5:01 (AUTUMN): The movie's over, and so is summer! Look, the temperature is 70 or below, and the air is clean and crisp and delightful. Soon the leaves will change! Who wants pumpkin pie and cider?
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I am accident-prone today.
I made lunch, then when I carried my plate over to sit down and eat, over half my lunch fell on the floor and was ruined.
I had some blueberries for a snack, and one of the blueberries ended up rolling into the PRINTER (I'm not gonna explain how. Just use your imagination)
Then when I was picking something up, a bunch of glass bottles tipped over and fell. Luckily, none of them broke or fell on ME. We all know how THAT would have turned out.
Seriously, this is getting annoying. It seems like everytime I touch something, it dumps or falls over or spills! WTF!?
I'm on my way to do some laundry in a few minutes... I shudder to think of what may happen.
Watch the headlines tomorrow:
"Michigan woman crushed beneath washing machine in freak accident... experts puzzled"
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It's supposed to be raining tonight (storming, even), but so far we've gotten nothing. I feel cheated. I had plans of running around in the front yard, in the rain, in my nightclothes, dancing and singing a medley of Neil Diamond songs in Swedish until the neighbors called the cops.
Sort of like last time, except then it was Barry Manilow.
So I guess I can't blame them.
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1) Getting mail from someone I really like
2) Seeing gas prices go lower instead of higher
3) Playing french horn
4) Being snuggled up in bed while it's raining outside
5) Writing with a fountain pen
6) Blogging
7) Chocolate chip cookies (soft and chewy!!)
8) A chilly day
9) NOT having a migraine
10) Visiting Lee & Morgen
11) Watching James Bond movies
12) Hot HOT spicy things that burn my tongue with joy
13) Being told that I have just won 5 million dollars, tax free, along with a lovely mansion with a couple maids and a butler and my very own techno-geek whose job it is to get me the BEST laptop computer on the planet, with high-speed internet so fast it makes other computers appear to be moving backwards.
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Our concert was Tuesday night!
I blogged about it over at Jantrails.
Click HERE to see my pictures of the event.
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Over at the RFS Blog Awards, one of the categories is "The Two Bloggers Who Would Have The Best Looking Kids."
As you can see, two of the nominee "couples" are (A) Miss Britt & Avitable, and (B) Mr. Fab & Heather.
I disagree with both these pairings.
I think a much better combination would be Mr. Fab and Avitable.
Thus, I have taken it upon myself to sculpt what their love child would look like.
First, here's what both guys look like...You can see all sorts of pictures of Avitable (and his facial hair) by going to his blog and looking along the right side of the page... On his avatar, he has a halo. And of course you all know Fab.
Now for the wondrous conception of their love child....
As you can see, it has Avitable's facial hair and halo. It also has Fab's bald head, blue eyes, and short arm. :)
I bet this kid REALLY loves breastfeeding.
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Ok.
Lemme preface this by saying that I almost NEVER wear dresses, but I DO almost always wear underwear. So a couple days ago I figured, just for the heck of it, "Why not switch the two and go out in public wearing a dress but no underwear?"
So that's exactly what I did.
I went grocery shopping wearing my favorite black dress (The one I sometimes wear for band concerts), with no underwear.
It was drafty, with just a little bit of wind outdoors. For a moment I feared a "Marilyn Monroe" moment, with my dress blowing upward and exposing my bare naked nether regions to everyone around. But thankfully, my secret remained hidden.
I shopped, I loaded up the car, carried the groceries indoors, and began wondering how exactly I should blog about this....
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And yes, I'm aware that for some strange reason my posts lately seem to involve the possibility of indecent exposure and/or nudity... not sure entirely why, but hey, enjoy it while it lasts.
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Here's how I know I am feeling lazy.
There's a piece of paper out in the car, which has a topic I wanted to blog about. I was sitting in my car the other day, and wrote a blog entry. I meant to bring it indoors with me, but I forgot.
I want to blog about that topic today but I am
(1) apparently too lazy to walk out to the car
(2) currently wearing absolutely nothing. (Hey, it's hot, whaddya expect)
Perhaps later today I can gather the energy and motivation to put on some clothes and retrieve my paper from the car.
Speaking of people who may or may not be doing things naked, be sure to catch Fab's radio show this evening at 7:00.
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Morgen tagged me.
This is the 3 Word Meme - all your answers have to be 3 words.
So, here goes:
1. Where is your cell phone? in the car
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? is apparently nonexistent
3. Your hair? long, dark brown
4. Where is your father? probably watching TV
5. Your favorite thing to do? be on computer
6. Your dream last night? on a mission
7. Your dream car? Prowler or DeLorean
8. The room you're in? Next to kitchen
9. Who did you hang out with last night? The ABC Group
10. Your fears? Noone understands them
11. What aren't you good at? understanding current technology
12. Muffins? big giant blueberry
13. One of your wish list items? beautiful fountain pen
14. The last thing you did? ate some blueberries
15. Your computer? Gateway from 1999
16. Your pet? Honeynut, Doyle, Brynden
17. You are wearing? pants and shirt
18. Your life? Belongs to me
19. Your mood? Currently, quiet... subdued
20. Missing? Edwin Stanley Dryer
21. Your car? Silver Chevy Cavalier
22. What are you thinking about now? Hating this headache
23. Your work? Crafts and Jannagraphics
24. Your summer? Too damn HOT
25. Your relationship status? There isn't any!!
26. Your favorite color(s)? blue, green, black
27. When is the last time you cried? embarrassingly, quite recently
28. When was the last time you laughed? e-mail this morning
29. School? Could've done better
30. Favorite 90's group? Erasure, I think
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Today marks the three month anniversary of the day I injured my leg.
Yes, that was WAY back on April 20th, can you believe it?
Here's the whole saga of posts where I've mentioned it...
And it STILL isn't completely healed.
It's continuously getting better, though... I think.
It's just veeeeerrryyyy slow.
The worst part is over; all that horrible cellulitis stuff, the pain, the having to go to the hospital...
Currently the wound is about half the size of a kidney bean. The surrounding area itches sometimes but it doesn't hurt.
I wish it would heal faster. Three months seems like an unbelievably long time.
I know slow-healing wounds are a warning sign of diabetes, but I've been tested for that, and the tests always come back fine.
I was going to post a picture, but decided not to gross you out.
Maybe next time.
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Over at Jantics I got tagged twice this week...
And here at the Jannaverse I got tagged by Grace for "The Moaning Meme".
(She's right; it does sound kind of erotic, doesn't it?)
Here we go...
1) The ability to make your enemies' eyebrows dissolve into acid
2) Farts made of tear gas
3) The ability to cause mass amnesia within a 20-foot radius whenever you utter a four syllable word
4) Lungs that can breathe pudding
5) Toenails sharp enough to sever a carotid artery
6) The ability to make bald enemies re-grow hair... but the hair looks and smells like fresh grass and it grows twice as fast when they're around hungry goats
7) The ability to urinate out of your belly button while whistling "Dixie"
8) Boogers that explode like tiny hand grenades when you flick them
9) The ability to jump over any fast food establishment in a single bound
10) The ability to turn any food item into a bacon double cheeseburger
11) Secret spy camera built into left butt cheek... it will only work while mooning someone (which kinda defeats the purpose of secretly spying, but hey)
12) Laser beams that can shoot out of your big toes whenever you wear flip-flops
13) The ability to actually reach a real live helpful human being when calling customer service or tech support.
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantrails: 13 things that go well with ice cream
Jantics: 13 four-syllable words I will never have tattooed on my left foot
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Y'know how air fresheners often have scents with outdoorsy names like "Fresh Breeze" or "Summer Afternoon"?
Bah.
During a recent drive, I experienced the following smells outdoors:
1) Cow manure
2) Some weird fungus-y mushroomy smell while I drove past a swamp
3) Rotten decomposing road kill
4) Skunk
Let's see Glade try to make an aerosol scent out of that.
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Why don't pot pies contain pot?
It's not in the ingredients anywhere, and I don't get the munchies after eating one, nor do I have scintillating revelations about the universe while in the middle of one.
Someone needs to write to the companies and complain.
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This past weekend I got to see someone I haven't seen in almost a year.
Chris will be in the states for a couple more weeks, then he's going back to Ethiopia to finish his teaching stint. He teaches music there, and from what I hear, he is having a lot of fun and doing an excellent job.
Last week I got a letter from my friend Lee.
I read it, then put it aside to answer later on.
The next day, when I had time to answer it, I couldn't find it. I looked everywhere... couldn't find it.
Then, just a little while ago, I opened the refrigerator to get a bottle of redpop... and happened to see the corner of an envelope.
I stood there and blinked stupidly as I realized what I was seeing.
Somehow I had put Lee's letter in the fridge.
I have no idea why.
But there it was, nice and chilly, just waiting to be found.
This is further proof that I am losing my marbles.
And, if I ever actually DO lose my marbles completely, I will be sure to look in the fridge for them first.
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Last night I went back to Jason's house for the 2nd part of the weekend party... (there's a 3rd part tonight as well)
And...
Unless selective amnesia has wiped any previous instances from my memory, last night was the very first time in my entire life that I have been pooped on by a rabbit.
We were sitting around watching movies. Curtis had one of the bunnies; I had the other. The bunnies were cuddling quietly, being sweet and tame and docile.
Then Curtis said that his bunny had just taken a dump on his shirt.
He proved it by picking up one of the little pellets and throwing it across the room at Jason's face.
I thought "Wow, I'm glad MY bunny didn't do that to me!"
But a few minutes later my bunny was suddenly kind of restless, and I realized afterward that there were now pellets of bunny-poop on my shirt.
Eeeeeew.
Tiny bunny, tiny pellets, but still.... ew.
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1) I got to hold two very cute little bunnies! One was about the size of a kitten, the other was about the size of a small hamster. Tiny and adorable-- and tame!
2) I tried raspberry Smirnoff. Not bad!
3) A guy pulled down his pants and mooned everyone in the room with his hairy ass.
4) I had a phone conversation with someone who's spent the past year of his life teaching at a school in Ethiopia.
5) I ate freshly-grilled smoked chicken.
6) I tried rum mixed with redpop. Not bad!
7) I got drooled on by a Saint Bernard that was about the size of a moose. NOT fun.
8) I learned that one of my friends got someone pregnant a few months ago.
9) I ate salt & vinegar potato chips.
10) I drove home at 4:00 in the morning.
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My molecules are floating aimlessly around cyberspace, oozing from pixel to pixel and byte to byte. They see a blog here, a blog there, stopping for a moment to peruse the cyberhomes of others before whooshing along to the next unknown land. My molecules journey alone, wondering if they will ever know true security, love, and peace.
They often travel at night, sailing quietly beneath the stars of cyberspace, passing many large ports with familiar faces, waving silently to all the merry voices that are heard from within.
I am here.
I am there.
I am somewhere.
Sometimes.
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* I am all caught up with answering your Jannaverse comments! Yay! It's fun to answer comments, I just took awhile getting around to it these past few days.
* Last night I went out and bought some BLUEBERRIES! I love blueberries! They're in season right now! Big plump sweet delicious Michigan blueberries!
* I just ate a cheap beef/bean burrito which is going to make me fart later on this evening.
* My back hurts today!
* My sandals are starting to fall apart... I need a new pair.
1. I wish we had more ostrich for the soup.
2. Microtonal music is too beautiful.
3. Where's my helicopter?
4. Can I please pee in your hat?
5. I wish I lived in Arkansas.
6. Hamsters taste better than gerbils.
7. But I wanted the lotion to smell like my phone book.
8. If you roll in refried beans, can I watch?
9. Let's see how many Tic Tacs I can fit in my belly button!!
10. I'd much rather we went to Taco Bell naked next time.
11. Hey, why is MY oatmeal green?
12. My big toe smells different from my little toe.
13. Let's make jello in the toilet!
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Thursday Thirteen on my other blogs:
Jantics: 13 Random items for no reason
Jantrails: 13 Things your eyebrows can not do
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I would like to shout out a grateful but embarrassed 'Thank you" to Aisby.
The ironic thing is that her blog is called "Maybe I'm Just Confused," whereas today it is obviously ME that is confused.
Why?
Well...
Just awhile ago, in the wee hours of the morning, I put up Thursday Thirteen lists on all three of my blogs. Yes. I was so proud of myself, for getting them all posted... I figured it was so studious of me to get them up shortly after midnight, so I didn't have to worry about whether I'd have them posted early enough tomorrow.
Just as I was getting ready to go to bed, patting myself on the back for a job well done, I got a comment in my inbox. It was a comment for one of the lists I'd posted.
Cool, I thought! A comment already!
It was from Aisby.
Her comment was " How come you're posting a Thursday Thirteen on a Tuesday night????"
D'oh!!!
I am an idiot.
What was I thinking?
Thanks, Aisby, for setting me straight.
I've taken down the T-13's and will re-post them when Thursday actually arrives.
LOL!! How embarrassing!
It's things like this that prove my brain really is made of instant oatmeal.
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It is around 2:00 in the morning, and for some reason I have the song "One Hundred Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" stuck in my head.
Except it's saying "One MILLION Bottles Of Beer On The Wall."
Over and over and over.
I don't even LIKE beer.
Over at Pointless Directives, Fab has been doing a lot with Sculpey clay lately.
He is really getting good at it.
So I decided it was time to try some Sculpeys of my own.
I knew I had some of the clay around here somewhere, since I've used it before. But I couldn't seem to find it. I lamented this fact to Fab. A few days later, to my complete surprise, a package arrived in the mail. It was a whole bunch of Sculpey clay, sent from Fab! Wow! Thanks!
So then my only dilemma was WHAT I should make. Fab leans toward bizarre macabre settings like cannibalism, chainsaw attacks, people getting stuck in woodchippers, food poisoning, etc. So I knew my first project had to be something disturbing.
Awhile back, Fab and I were talking about how if you're a cat owner, and you die in a house alone with your cats, eventually your cats will start eating you.
Since I'm a cat owner, and I live alone, of course it's only a matter of time.
But Fab is a rabbit guy. He owns three bunnies.
So, without further ado, here is Fab's carcass getting gnawed on by his bunnies.
Wow. They must have been hungry. There are only a few parts left.
I wish my camera took better pictures, but you get the idea.
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Wouldn't it be great if Coca-Cola still had real cocaine in it, just like the olden days?
I've never tried cocaine, but I drink lots of Coke.
And Pepsi.
If Coke went back to adding cocaine, I wonder what Pepsi would add, just so they could remain competitive?
"NEW Pepsi! Now with even MORE Black Tar Heroin!"
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Today definitely qualifies as "summer."
Let's go out for ice cream.
Better yet, we can make a trip to the North Pole and go skinny dipping.
Hopefully we won't get attacked by Polar Bears.
At this point I think it's worth the gamble.
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In the previous post I mentioned how song lyrics can be misheard sometimes.
In the comments section, Peppermint mentioned that one of her lyrics quandaries involves the folliwing phrase:
"Wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night."
My eyes lit up in recognition when I read that, because I KNEW the song she was referring to, and I had no idea what the words were supposed to be either!! It really DOES sound like the guy is singing about a douche, and I've always wondered about that.
So I decided to do some research.
I remembered that the preceding phrase is "Blinded by the light," so I Googled that. Eventually I found the correct song.
Apparently the correct words are "Revved up like a DEUCE."
Ahh, ok, now I guess it makes sense.
It still sounds more like "douche", but at least now I know what it's supposed to be saying.
HERE are the lyrics.
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Earlier this afternoon while I was in the store, I was absentmindedly listening to the background music that was being played.
It was an older tune I vaguely remembered from childhood.
Except I learned today that I had the words ALL wrong.
Twice.
Lemme explain.
As a child I thought the lyrics said "Don't take me house away!"
In the store this afternoon I thought I heard them say "Don't make me have to wait!"
And just now, upon doing some Google work, I learned that the ACTUAL words are "Don't take me half the way."
I feel somewhat better in knowing that I am NOT the only one who has made this mistake. There's a website called "Am I Right?", part of which is devoted to misunderstood lyrics. See? Other people would have agreed with both my previous interpretations! (scroll down to where it says "half the way")
AmIRight.com has the following motto: "Making fun of music, one song at a time."
Here's the section that focuses on misunderstood lyrics:
http://www.amiright.com/misheard/
I remember an old story about how some people thought Jimi Hendrix was saying "Scuse me while I kiss this guy" (instead of "Scuse me while I kiss the sky"). Funny.
How about you guys? Are there any lyrics you've been hearing wrong all these years?
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I am craving cookies.
Please send cookies.
Listen! Did you hear that? Alaska just told California to stop complaining about earthquakes. California responded by saying "Oh, yeah? Well at least we don't have to make up funny names for our dirt, like 'TUNDRA'!"
I wonder if anyone's ever peed their pants while waiting for a red light.
If baby cats are called kittens, and baby dogs are called puppies, what are baby rabbits called? Surely there must be a name for them. I'm drawing a blank. Help me out here.
Did I mention I'm craving cookies?
Please send cookies.
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1) A jigsaw puzzle of the grand canyon
2) Three ice cubes
3) Johnny Depp's hand
4) Jar of honey mustard
5) Love letter from a Canadian Mountie
6) Three legged ferret
7) Chewable multivitamin
8) Arby's coupon
9) Vodka
10) Fountain pen
11) Oak tree
12) French fries
13) More than two boobs
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Today's Thurs-13 list over at Jantics: "13 things I did NOT do on the 4th of July"
Today's Thurs-13 list at Jantrails: "13 things that do NOT go well with ketchup"
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Over at Jantrails I talk about the Fire I saw yesterday, as well as the reason I am stranded at home with no gas until tomorrow.
Well, I still HAVE gas; it's just a different kind.
Then, over at Jantics I mention why I seem to have olives instead of eyeballs.
But I'm feeling much better now.
I think.
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Remember this nursery rhyme?
1) My right wrist which itches for no reason
2) Moose antlers, possibly from Bullwinkle
3) Jar of magical applesauce
4) Unicorn testicles
5) Rhode Island
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It's 11:00 in the evening and I have had a long day.
In a moment I'm going to get a bottle of Redpop out of the fridge, and veg out while I visit some of your blogs. I need to catch up.
Speaking of catching up, I'm finally all caught up on responding to your comments! Sorry it took me forever. Feel free to spank me with an empty Shredded Wheat box or something.
I'm still kinda having the blues, but I will be ok.
If you don't have any Shredded Wheat boxes, I will also agree to be spanked with a feather duster.
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I've been sad and lonely lately, by myself, riding the time warp of depression like a slow-motion roller coaster plummeting into a particularly rocky crevasse filled with shards of broken uncooked pasta. (Mostly the large shell-shaped kind).
I value my independence, I just wish I didn't have to spend all of it alone.
This somehow reminds me of a scene from Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer:
Rudolph has just run away. So has Hermie the elf. They happen to run into each other and briefly trade stories of what they're doing.
Hermie says he wants to be independent.
Rudolph agrees and says he wants that , too, though it's clear from the way he awkwardly pronounces the word "in-de-pen-dent" that he might not be entirely clear about what it means. Hermie replies with a great idea: "Hey, whaddya say we both be independent together?"
That bit of dialogue always makes me smile a little bit, even if it's a sad smile.
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