Please don't buy my house

Subject lines for ten pieces of SPAM in my e-mail right now:

1) "Get A Free Oprah trip including air and hotel"
(Hint: If you want someone to travel somewhere, don't use Oprah as an incentive).

2) "I want to buy your house"
(Um, then where will I live?)

3) "Be The 1st to see Grease Live"
(Somehow I think it's too late to be the FIRST...)

4) "If you die. Love continues. Protect your loved ones."
(How morbid! And who exactly is it that loves me so much?)

5) "Meet your match. Create a new romance in just minutes."
(Ah, OK, so I'll meet the person, THEN I'll die, and the love will continue, blah blah blah)

6) "Get your piece of the E-Bay pie"
(Can mine be blueberry?)

7) "An uncommon coffee for an uncommon coffee drinker"
(Uncommon, in the sense that I don't drink coffee...)

8) " A bottle of great tasting wine is always a fantastic gift"
(Unless, of course, the recipient doesn't like wine...)

9) "WE want to buy your house"
(Again? And now there are two of you? I said NO!)

10) "The secret to a healthier, more vibrant You"
(... is probably for me to stop spending all night on the computer and actually get some decent sleep...)

Wordless Wednesday

Recycled Joke for today

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The head nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, she was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
"Are my test results back???

Still giddy, with music notes dancing in my head

I'm back from the concert!
Whew!
And nothing terrible happened. Isn't that great?
My composition was performed reasonably well. I'm pleased with how it turned out. And I'm relieved that it's over!
Now I need to think about whether or not to write anything for our next concert (which will be in May). And if so, do I want it to be for the whole band again? Or a smaller ensemble... Trio? Quartet? Brass quintet? Cello, french horn, flute, and euphonium... or some other weird combination of instruments, plus cowbell and.... oooh, wouldn't it be cool if I wrote something for bubble wrap??!! Or rustling plastic grocery bags...
Sonata in B-flat, for grocery bag and bubble wrap.
Would anyone like to commission this??????? I'd love to have a benefactor. It will come in handy when people ask what the heck I was thinking:

Critic: "Janna, you idiot, nobody writes music for bubble wrap! What were you thinking??"
Me: "I couldn't help it; my benefactor INSISTED on bubble wrap!"
Critic: "And the guy dropping Skittles into an aluminum pie tin during the oboe solo?"
Me: "Well, ok, THAT one was my idea..."
Critic: "What about when you crinkled the potato chip bags for two minutes while the flutes were playing??"
Me: "So I was hungry. Sue me."

Ahh, decisions, decisions.....

.

My world tour begins at 7:30... and ends shortly thereafter

Tonight is our concert. It'll start at 7:30, which is about 4 and a half hours away, as I'm typing this.
The concert will contain the "world premiere" of my composition.
It feels overly dramatic to call it a "world premiere", because heck, it's not like it'll be played in France next week, and Sweden the week after that, and... you know. For all I know, tonight will be the one and only time it's ever performed.
Almost makes you wish you could be there to hear it, huh? :)
Assuming I survive the concert, I'll post later about how it went.
Wish me well.

"X" Marks The Spot

I stole this from Mr. Fabulous's blog ("Pointless Drivel"). It was in his post for March 8, 2006. (I've been reading his archives lately). Even though I'm generally not a meme-loving kind of chick, I became fascinated with this one. Feel free to use it yourself, if you'd like.
Here are my answers:

Put an X in the parentheses for those things you have done in your life:

(X) Smoked a cigarette (once! ugh!)
(X) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend’s car (My own car, yes. Friend's car, no.)
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped.
(X) Been laid off/fired
(X) Quit your job
( ) Been in a fist fight
( ) Snuck out of your parent’s house
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back (way, way, way too often).
( ) Been arrested
( ) Gone on a blind date
( ) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school (I went through a phase where I skipped classes in college a lot).
( ) Seen someone die
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country (I don't remember it, though, 'cuz I was so young)
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Sang karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
( ) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe (I can't remember the last time I was kissed at all for anything!!!)
( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about or love
(X)Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating (when I was very young.... and I was terrible at it)
( ) Ice-skating

EEEeeewwww....

Tonight I went grocery shopping. I discovered, much to my dismay, after it was too late, that the cart I selected had some mysterious gross sticky stuff on the handle. Ew. Ewww. I don't know what that was, and I probably don't want to know.
When I got back outside, I noticed that some fresh snow had fallen, so I reached over and rinsed my hands off in the snow. I'm sure it didn't kill ALL the little bacterial creatures, but at least my hand wasn't sticky any more.

It's getting to be that time of year again...

Thank you

I want to thank everyone who came to my defense after the unpleasantness yesterday. It meant a lot to me, and I treasure you for that.

....And don't forget to 'carry the one' this time

Special code numbers for the aliens who are monitoring us:
1) 67,801
2) 3.45555
3) 2.000001
4) 29
5) 123
6) 6
7) 9,147,244
8) square root of 777777
9) 842 cubed
10) pi

I don't even know the Pope... I swear

While perusing another blog over the weekend, I saw a post where someone Googled their name plus the phrase "was killed by". So you get to see how other people with your name died.
Morbid but still slightly cool, huh? Huh?
The thing is, not many people are named Janna (and even fewer people are named "Jannafer", which is my actual first name). Still, I tried the search, and found these two hits:

Janna was killed by Chancellor Touth
Janna was killed by a drunk driver

Ok, fine.
Next, the person Googled their name, plus the phrase "was LOVED by".
Unfortunately, there are no hits for the phrase "Janna was loved by"...
Which is kinda sad.
So, I decided to try variations on this theme.
First I tried Googling the phrase "Killed Janna".
Voila! 138 hits. Here are some of them:

Someone killed Janna and the police believe that someone is Zoe.
I only wish he had died before he could have killed Janna....
The morning after Cole killed Janna while under a spell, the sisters lit candles....
"He killed Janna. He must be punished."
Anyway, after that, Angelus killed Janna after she successfully translated the original curse.
I attacked and killed Janna and then tried to ressurect her.
He became Angelus and killed Janna, another daughter of the gypsies.

Then, reversing that, I Googled "Janna Killed"... only 9 hits for that!
Here are some:

We could etch it into the stone "Janna killed Us"
For some reason, I don't know what it is, but I think Janna killed Carmen.
the pope died the other day because janna killed him. (!!!!)
Janna killed three of my most skilled assassins.

(The Pope???)

Manic Monday: Yellow

Morgen has decided that today's Manic Monday theme is YELLOW.
Because I've been in a photoshoppy mood all week, I decided to make some pictures that have a lot of yellow in them.

(please insert politically correct title here)

Here's a question for you bloggers out there... if someone was offended by something you posted, would you go back and change the post, just to suit them, or would you let things stand?
Say, for example, if someone took something out of context, and left a comment that suggested you were a racist?
Well, that just happened to me, regarding my previous post (The one titled "Seven Reasons Why Janna Will Never Have Her Own Radio Show".)
I couldn't believe it, and I'm still a little angry that someone would think I meant ANY of that in a racist context.
Yet I went back and actually changed the post, removing the words the person didn't like.
Part of me wishes I'd just told him/her to get a life and stop being so picky.
Anyway, here's what my previous post ORIGINALLY said, on list item #7:

"A few years from now, when absolutely everyone on the globe is connected to the Internet, Pygmy tribes will congregate in their huts to listen to such shows, shaking their tiny heads in disbelief. "Who lets these idiots on the air?" They will ask themselves, in their native tongue, while kangaroo guts roast on a spit nearby."

Yes, I'm aware that Pygmies are in a completely different continent from kangaroos. That was part of the JOKE. The joke being that I choose my words haphazardly, which is part of the reason I would make a lousy radio DJ. (Get it now?) Yet I received a comment shortly after posting, (from someone in South Africa), which took great offense to what I had written. He/She chided me for my apparent ignorance regarding pygmies and kangaroos, and said I had written "a cracker of a post."

Soooo, with my mouth still open in utter disbelief, I deleted the entire post and replaced it with one that had this wording instead:

"A few years from now, when absolutely everyone on the globe is connected to the Internet, Inuit tribes will congregate in their igloos to listen to such shows, shaking their heads in disbelief. "Who lets these idiots on the air?" They will ask themselves, in their native tongue, while seal guts roast on a spit nearby. (No, wait, I guess the seals get eaten raw. Whatever. Leave me alone.)"

Is that "politically correct" enough for everyone? I was originally going to use the word "eskimo", but then vaguely remembered hearing somewhere that even THAT's been considered offensive by some. So I used the term "Inuit", which is the real name for a specific people/tribe/group that lives in an arctic climate (or sub-arctic, or Alaska, or whatever the hell the correct word is this week). I used "Igloo" instead of "hut", and "seal" instead of "kangaroo."
My commenter also took offense at my implication that Pygmies live in huts. Um, here, take a look at this article on the subject. Scroll about halfway down. See the dwellings? I don't know about you, but those sure as hell look like huts to me. So does THIS.
So, anyway, I rewrote the post, hoping fervently that I wouldn't get any comments from angry Inuit seal-hunters. Ironically enough, I then got a very nice comment from Amy Domestico, (a member of the Blog Talk Radio staff) who had read the original wording and said she LIKED the part about the Pygmies. Here's what her comment said: (it got deleted when I replaced the old post with the new one, but it's saved in my e-mail)

***
Being a writer who loves to express myself with writing rather then speaking, I remember back to my first time on BlogTalkRadio. hahaha I think I read the news out loud and a friend of mine felt sorry for me and called in and saved me from "dead air", after practicing, like with anything I do I believe i've eliminated most of the Um's!!
BlogTalkRadio is alot of fun when you get used to it, I always suggest doing a show with a friend so you have conitnued banter, pick a few subject you want to discuss before calling in, such as a blog you just wrote you want to discuss, or something you saw in the news, or perhaps discussing the fall of major media and how the bloggers (aka citizen journalists) are now able to become citizen broadcasters. After reading your blog I think I would much rather listen to you then to Nancy Grace on CNN....
If you want I can cohost a show with you, and we can discuss your blogs.....you my dear are hilarious. Can I be so bold as to say I double dare ya to come on with me?
Pigmy's lol funny stuff
***

So, for the rest of you, my questions are these:
1. To what extent do you care whether or not someone takes offense to something you've written?
2. If someone took offense, would you cater to them by going back and CHANGING your words? If not, why not?
3. Does the fact that I DID go back and change my words make you proud of me or disappointed in me?
4. (Insert your own question here and answer it brilliantly in the comments)

Believe me, I realize that the true lesson here is "You can't please everyone." I respect and admire the bloggers out there who have the guts to say exactly what they want, without fear of repercussions, without worrying who's going to get pissed off. Blogging is not very fun when one must tiptoe carefully around each possibly-offensive nuance.
Let that be a lesson to you. Have guts. (but not "kangaroo guts", because apparently that's BAD).

Seven Reasons Why Janna Will Never Have Her Own Radio Show

1. Ancient computer, unable to handle new-fangled technology for hosting own show. Ug. Must instead concentrate on making wheel and fire. Kill dinosaur with spear. Run from cybersaur.

2. I much prefer writing, because it allows me all the time I need to find the right words. If I change my mind halfway through the sentence and want to switch one word for another, no problem. Speaking is different. Once the words are spoken, they're permanently "out there." If you didn't say the 'right' one the first time, you're just screwed.

3. I tend to pause a lot when I speak. Actually I can vary between the two extremes-- either (a) speaking rapidly or (b) abruptly pausing while my brain searches its file cabinets for the right word. No doubt this is truly annoying to those who must listen to me.

4. It's so much easier to be funny in writing, because you can take your time 'sculpting' the sentences for maximum effect. If the 'joke' isn't working, just get up and go make a sandwich or take a nap or play some Mozart. Come back to it later. Sooner or later the right wording will come to you. Speaking doesn't work that way. Since when do people say "Oooh, I have a great joke I can add to that thing you just said. Give me 20 minutes, ok? Better yet, let's just meet here again tomorrow, same time, same place."

5. The DJ's worst enemy is dead air. (I actually heard that somewhere, years ago, can't remember where). With me, there would be a LOT of dead air because I take awhile to think of what I want to say. When I called into that show last night, there were quite a few pauses, like after the "favorite tree" question, and before my comment about getting eaten by a big fish. Such pauses translate into "B-O-R-I-N-G" for the listener.

6. The whole thing about taking calls from listeners... listen, folks, I'm kind of an introvert. Introvert, with a capital "I", in giant flaming neon letters even bigger than the "hollywood" sign in California. Shy. Antisocial, or, at the very least, "pseudo-social." Meeting new people really stresses me out. Blogging makes this process a lot easier, because there's the computer screen as a kind of "buffer zone". I somehow don't mind blogging to strangers; in fact I rather enjoy it. I sit here and take my time writing things, then I sit back and see if anyone cares enough to comment. No problem! But with a real live actual conversation, with me having no clue what the other person is going to say, and what I'm going to say back to them, YIKES.

7. On BlogTalkRadio, the shows are all archived, which means you can go back and listen to every show that's ever been done. The good AND the bad. While searching around there for awhile, I heard some that were horrible. Lots of dead air, miserable hosts, tons of mistakes. It all gets archived, saved forever, for the whole planet to listen to whenever they want. A few years from now, when absolutely everyone on the globe is connected to the Internet, Inuit tribes will congregate in their igloos to listen to such shows, shaking their heads in disbelief. "Who lets these idiots on the air?" They will ask themselves, in their native tongue, while seal guts roast on a spit nearby. (No, wait, I guess the seals get eaten raw. Whatever. Leave me alone.)

So, because of all these factors, I have gained a newfound respect for DJ's who actually are out there doing a good job, thinking on their feet, cracking decent jokes in a timely manner, not afraid of letting it all hang out, so to speak.
I am in awe of your auditory exhibitionism, which is not unlike wearing a big cyber-trench coat and flashing people's eardrums.
Good luck with the seals.

Look what WE'RE getting...

For cryin' out loud, I thought we were all done with this kind of stuff. Isn't March next week? What's up with this snow and sleet and ice? I can hear it out there right now; it's blowing around and making all kinds of noise. If "COLD" had a sound, this would be it.
Luckily, the temperature tomorrow is supposed to get up to 35 , so hopefully tonight's ice will rapidly melt away. Though we might have a few power outages first. Check out our official "Winter Storm Warning" below:

A WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 12 PM EST SUNDAY.
SLEET AND FREEZING RAIN MIXED WITH SNOW AT TIMES WILL OVERSPREAD THE AREA BY MIDNIGHT. THROUGH DAYBREAK... SIGNIFICANT ICE ACCUMULATIONS OF ONE QUARTER TO ONE HALF INCH...SLEET ACCUMULATIONS OF UP TO ONE INCH AND SOME MINOR SNOW ACCUMULATIONS ARE EXPECTED.
IN ADDITION...STRONG EAST WINDS OF 20 TO 30 MPH WITH HIGHER GUSTS WILL CONTINUE...WHICH COMBINED WITH SIGNIFICANT ICE ACCUMULATION...WILL LEAD TO SCATTERED TREE DAMAGE AND POWER OUTAGES.
A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW... SLEET... AND ICE ARE EXPECTED. STRONG WINDS ARE ALSO EXPECTED. THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE.

Gaaaahhh! Accchhhkkk! No! NOoooooo....

First, let me preface this by saying that I apologize to everyone out there who still happens to have eardrums.
I don't know what I was thinking!
A few moments ago I did something that will be audibly archived forever and ever in the dark, moldy corridors of the Internet. (Watch where you step, the floor is sticky).
I called in to a radio show on Blog Talk Radio, and actually had a conversation with the host... on the air... live... with no idea what to say. If there had been one of those cartoon "thought-bubbles" above my head, the bubble would have been completely empty, except perhaps for a big whooshing echoing sound, underlining the absolute non-existence of rational thought.
I sounded like a moron! I sound half-dead at first, then I just get worse. I'm surprised there weren't EMT's knocking at the door with a pair of cardiac resuscitation paddles. ("CLEAR!!!")
Oh my god! Shoot me now.
The show is 30 minutes long... My call happens about halfway through. I talk for about seven minutes. If any of you want to help amplify my embarrassment until I spontaneously self-destruct, feel free to listen HERE.
We talk about dog testicles, writing, Steve Novak, sex with fish, and the word "perpetuity."
.....By the way, my new name is "Skippy."

Saturday Potpourri

Here are various things I was going to just put in the comments section, in response to other people, but some of it is so long I figured I might as well just make a new post out of it. (Hey, it's my blog, I can do what I want, right?.... right?)

for Natalie, regarding Bobby Flay: I don't get cable, so I get to see the Food Network only rarely. (But it is one of my favorite networks nonetheless!:) I've seen Bobby Flay maybe once or twice. I like the fact that he's not afraid to cook hot spicy things, but didn't really get a taste of what his personality is like. He's cocky, huh? Hmm. Anybody else agree with that? Tell me all about it.

Amisare Waswerebeen: Every time I see your name, I remember high school English class where we learned our "helping verbs"! Except we learned them in this order: Am, are, is, be, was, were, been, have, has, had, do, does, did, can, could, shall, should, will, would, may, might, must! We had a good teacher that really DRILLED that list into us. (As evidenced by the fact that I still remember it all at the age of 37!)

Morgen said he liked the "old" Jim Carrey on In Living Color, and isn't real fond of the "new" celebrity Jim Carrey. I'm exactly the opposite! I couldn't STAND him on that show! Jim Carrey annoyed the hell out of me back then. It was only after his celebritization and subsequent mellowing (such as it was) that I began to like him.

Morgen also wondered if anyone actually refers to coleslaw as "cabbage salad." Yes. It's rare, but I've heard it called that. (I just did an Internet search for "cabbage salad", and it produced coleslaw recipes, as well as other cabbage-based salads). It does seem to be a rare term, I'll grant you that. Are any of the rest of you familiar with this?

I would also like to take this moment to thank ALL of you, everyone who reads my blog, and especially everyone who leaves comments. I do read each and every comment, and I'm grateful for every one! Thank you all!

Weird dream I had last night

I went to McDonalds and ordered a burger with no onions. Instead it arrived with nothing BUT onions. (this has actually happened to me on more than one occasion). Plus the top bun was a lot larger than the bottom bun, like they'd taken it from a BigMac instead of a regular hamburger. I absolutely can not eat burgers with onions on them, onions seriously make me sick (read here for further explanation). So I took the burger back to complain. I requested a replacement that fit the specifications of what I had ordered. The counter-people were not very helpful and not apologetic at all, so I ended up talking to the manager. For some reason, in my dream, the manager/owner of this McDonalds was Kevin Nealon. (yes, Kevin Nealon from the old "Saturday Night Live" days) He was also a high-school principal, and McD ownership was just a "side gig" for him.
He took me into a back room, where we sat at one of the tables and discussed things. He seemed to be implying that people shouldn't expect so much of him, because he had a rough childhood. He told me about his days in high school, where it was so bad he had to carry a gun to school often. He said he shot & killed people, though I had to kind of draw that information out of him. As the conversation progressed, it was as though I was his therapist, and we were in a counseling session. (Hey, I really do have a therapy degree; if I can't find such a job in the real world, I might as well dream about it, right?) I ended up having to stop the conversation short, saying we should "make an appointment" for the next session, where we could discuss his issues further.
I never did get my hamburger.

Hopefully someone will call it "art" 100 years from now

I was in a photoshoppy mood today, so I made myself some pictures.
Here's what I came up with. (Notice my ongoing fascination with grids and tiles.)

1. Doesn't this one look like it has cigarette burns on it? Notice my warped face peering out from the corners, as if someone squished me like Silly Putty. What can I say. I feel warped.

2. This one's what I'm using for my computer wallpaper right now. (Makes neat tiles). Looks sorta like a hundred CD cases in outer space.

3. This one came out looking vaguely floral, but actually I made it out of pictures of concord grapes and mulberries.

... and the pebbled swan was never all that exuberant anyway

The purple xylophone murgatroid is making gray waffles in the midnight eclipse.
I am tired and sleep-deprived and the world is making no sense.
Red meringue lollipops tend to fluctuate wildly in the passing breezes of Massachusetts.
I really should try to get more sleep, instead of staying up half the night on the computer.
Batman knew twenty-seven horn-swaggling fricternoppers but none were allergic to pickled moose berries.
Maybe I should take a nap.

Love, Like, Dislike, Hate, Loathe... no, wait...

It seems that everyone has celebrities they like, as well as celebrities they absolutely can not stand. We don't even have to have logical reasons for our intense dislike, it just somehow happens.
Now and then I hear of someone else's celebrity-hatred, and sometimes it ends up affecting how I feel about that celebrity myself. Sometimes not.
Examples:

Rachael Ray:
I used to think she was "okay." Not great, not horrible, just "okay." Granted, she was a bit too perpetually cheerful, as if there's a tube (hidden from the camera) that feeds her a constant enema of caffiene and speed... still, overall I used to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Then I read some blogs where she was clearly described as a pet peeve. And gradually I began to agree with them. I don't despise Rachael Ray, but I do see how her constant spunkiness could easily get on some people's nerves.

Katie Couric:
Honestly, I used to like Katie. She seemed very nice. Then I heard people describe her as stuck up, snotty, bitchy. Now my opinion of her has mellowed. I no longer see her as the sweet, happy, nice friendly person I once did. It's fascinating that I allow my perceptions to be so malleable, so easily affected by the comments of the person next to me.

Phil Collins:
I love this guy's music. Really. I admit it. All of it. A few months ago, I read a blog in which someone could not stand Phil Collins. Phil was a huge pet peeve for somebody (I forget who). Yet, unlike Rachael and Katie, Phil remains just as popular with me as he always was! Still love Phil. Let's dance to Sussudio!!

Jerry Seinfeld:
I like watching Seinfeld. It's one of those good syndicated shows that will live on into perpetuity. I think Jerry is funny, he has good comedic timing and can think 'on his feet' really well. (A quality I wish I had!!) Then I learned one of my friends can not stand him. (This friend's exact words were "He is evil and must be destroyed.") Yet I still like Jerry! My faith in Jerry has not wavered.

Dr. Phil:
I used to absolutely despise Dr Phil. I thought he was condescending, overly-simplistic about certain things, and always too sure that he was right. I hated his overly-confident demeanor. Then I learned (to my dismay) that my mother likes his show a lot. Often when I visit her, I am subjected to watching Dr. Phil. And I grudgingly admit, after about two years I hated him a lot less. There are actually times when I agree with almost everything he says. (gasp!)
Overall, I've decided that maybe ol' Phil isn't so bad.

Jim Carrey:
This guy used to annoy the HELL out of me. He was a huge pet peeve. I could not stand his weird humor, his insane facial expressions and noises, and everything else that made him Jim Carrey. I forget what started to change my mind. But now I tend to like his humor, for the most part. There's something to be said for the complete chaotic nonsense he can create, at a moment's notice, out of thin air. Robin Williams has the same gift. Give them an empty room, they'll somehow find a way to make comedy out of it. Genius.

So, enough about me and my celebrity revelations.
What about the rest of you?
Who do you positively despise? Who do your friends despise? How likely are you to change your mind, based on what someone else thinks?

Thirteen Things I Would NOT Eat At A Picnic:

1) Potato salad
2) Egg salad
3) Chicken salad
4) Tuna salad
5) Pasta salad
6) Seafood salad
7) Cabbage salad (aka "coleslaw")
8) Fruit salad
9) ANY salad with mayo in it (Note: this includes mayo-like substances such as Miracle Whip, yogurt, and sour cream)
10) Deviled eggs
11) Spam
12) Bologna
13) Jello with anything added to it or stirred into it or sprinkled on top of it (Possible exception: Jello shots)

Taking the musical plunge

Our band concert is next week, and the final rehearsal was last night.
It turns out we will be performing my piece after all. For the past two weeks, I'd seriously considered removing it from the program because I did not feel we were ready. I e-mailed our conductor (Bob) with these concerns, and Bob said he would let me be the one to decide.
Much to my surprise, the piece sounded much better last night. I went from being 99% sure we would NOT be performing it, to being 70% sure we can have it ready. That's quite a leap. I got a decent amount of positive feedback from fellow band members, so I took the plunge and told Bob to go ahead and put this piece in the lineup.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the piece I'm talking about, here are the basics.
It's called As I Once Imagined. It's 67 measures long and is scored for the following instruments:

Flute
Bb clarinet
Oboe
Alto sax
Tenor sax
Bari sax
Bass clarinet
Bassoon
Trumpet
French horn
Euphonium
Trombone
Tuba
Marimba
Bass drum
Glockenspiel
Cymbal
Chimes
Rain Stick

It's gone through a lot of revision in the past couple years, and it appears that next week it will finally be performed. Wish me luck.
We've performed a few other things I've written; last summer we played a composition called Waiting In Violet, then there was a brass fanfare called Fanfare For A Moment, then there have also been smaller ensemble pieces (solo, duet, trio, quintet, etc).
Our band is a community ensemble, comprised of people of all ages. Members are from Hillsdale County and other parts of southern Michigan too. I play french horn in this group.
Our concert is next Tuesday (Feb 27th). I'll let you all know how things go.

Wordless Wednesday

I laughed so hard my stomach hurt

Slaghammer posted this video about Male Restroom Etiquette.
It is hilarious. Hilarious, I say.



Here's the post Slaghammer did.

Forty Forty Forty!!!

Today we celebrate the fact that Morgen is turning 40!!
In honor of that, I have compiled this list of links, all of which relate to turning 40.

Book: Turning 40: Wit, Wisdom, and Whining

http://www.amazon.com/Turning-40-Wit-Wisdom-Whining/dp/0452268214

A guy who named his blog "Turning Forty"...

(He's also named it "The Very Gay Blog".

Look at the profile.

http://danturning40.blogspot.com/

His new blog over at Wordpress is cute too.

Buy a t-shirt that celebrates being 40!

http://www.incrediblegifts.com/taabfat.html

(Try to ignore the one that says "How the hell did I get this old?!!")

Forty Things About Being Forty

(Written by a BBC journalist... I get the impression some of this is 'lost in the translation' for us American folk...)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,904513,00.html

A nice site called "Fabulously40.com"...

http://fabulously40.com/page/The_Magic_Of_Turning_Forty

Book of Ages dot com....

("Exploring life's landmark ages in hilariously obsessive detail.")

http://www.bookofages.com/

Various blog entries by others who have turned 40:

http://table4five.net/2007/01/31/turning-forty-actually-not-that-bad/

http://nafkamina.blogspot.com/2006/11/turning-forty.html

http://www.design-your-life.org/blog.php?id=530

http://www.catheb.com/comments/forty.html

http://www.1up.com/do/blogEntry?bId=7820748&publicUserId=5535121

A blog called "The Essential Guide To Turning 40"

http://www.turningfourty.blogspot.com/

An essay called "Fortysomething"...

http://www.chabad.org/library/article.asp?AID=2962

Look what Jennifer Aniston did when SHE was afraid of turning forty!

http://www.zeropaid.com/bbs/new-releases/t-jennifer-aniston-fears-turning-forty-gets-naked-for-movie-36197.html

"Psychological Forty"

http://www.abc.net.au/dimensions/dimensions_health/Transcripts/s809507.htm

If all else fails, write to an advice columnist about turning 40:

http://www.mwblog.com/events/archives/2006/01/i_am_turning_40.php

And always remember, it could be worse: You could be pregnant!

http://pregnancyover44y.blogspot.com/

Have a wonderful day, Morgen.
Enjoy the Morgepalooza!!!

Comfy as a cadaver.... uh...

Want to re-decorate your home (or Emergency Room)?
Try THESE...
Bean bags shaped like body bags!!
(Yes, on purpose!)
Why can't I get rich thinking of things like this?

Blobs

I don't drink coffee, so in my case the brown blobs would be chocolate molecules.
Move over, blood cells!

The flashers are getting younger and younger these days

While at the laundromat this evening, there was a kid at one of the tables about 20 feet away. He was maybe 10 years old, kinda pudgy, obviously bored and unable to sit still. So he got up and knelt on his chair and leaned waa-a-ayy over onto the table, just to see how far he could reach. Well, in the process his pants (which apparently were a bit too loose) slipped almost all the way down over his butt, giving me and the rest of the world a giant mooning.
BIG mooning.
And either his underwear just happened to slip at the same rate as his pants, or he wasn't WEARING any underwear-- 'cuz I'm tellin' ya, it was nothin' but bare naked butt.
I looked around to see if his mother was noticing this, but apparently she was in some other section of the laundromat, blissfully unaware.

Help! It's got me! It's got me!!

I went out for Chinese today.
My fortune cookie says:
"Look around; happiness is trying to catch you."

Thursday Thirteen

Yesterday I received a comment on one of my posts, suggesting that I find three things I like about myself. This was in response to my Anti-Valentine sentiments.
Though I have no doubt that the commenter was trying to be nice, and I believe his heart was in the right place, it's one of my pet peeves when people make knee-jerk assumptions that others have a lack of self-esteem.
Honest, my self-esteem level is just fine.
Hating Valentines' Day doesn't mean anything, one way or the other, as far as it relates to liking one's self.
Nonetheless, I will take the challenge offered. Here is a list of not three, but thirteen things I like about myself.

1) I work creatively under pressure. Often my best work has been done under a pressing deadline.
2) I enjoy creating humorous drawings and caricatures of myself, showing that I have a sense of humor about my quirks and flaws.
3) I can usually make my friends laugh. :)
4) I'm not a neat-freak who gets bent out of shape over a fingerprint here and there. Hey, the world is made to be 'lived in.' Living is messy. C'est La Vie.
5) I'm generally very good at corresponding with friends. The longest letter I ever wrote someone was 176 pages. (full-notebook-size sheets, narrow ruled!) It had to be mailed in a 9x12 envelope and cost over two dollars to send.
6) I'm logical enough to solve even the most difficult Sudoku puzzles.
7) I enjoy performing music on a variety of instruments, and honestly care about playing the music correctly. Music is a fun and joyous thing, but if you're the one responsible for performing it, you also need to approach it with a serious respect for getting it right. I try to always have the appropriate level of respect.
8) I enjoy composing music for a variety of instruments, and often wonder about fun combinations of instruments I could arrange (e.g. Flute, Xylophone, Cowbell, Alto voice)
9) I am literate, I believe in the power of the written word, and I pride myself on knowing how to write and spell properly.
10) I enjoy writing poetry, both serious and humorous.
11) I love animals, especially cats. Compassion for animals is an important quality, in my opinion.
12) I believe it can be fun to try new things, whether that means trying a new flavor of potato chips, taking a different route home, reading a new author, or starting a blog!
13) I enjoy all kinds of humor, and try to laugh at least once each day!

I'm Einstein, Who are you?

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Coulda been worse... poor Vinnie over at Bitter Cup Of Joe took the test, and discovered he was Hitler!!!

Valentine, Schmalentine....

So I'll have a bright future... or at least a yellow one.

Bite me, Cupid

It's Valentine's Day!
Let's celebrate!
I think my boyfriend and I will go to the beach and playfully romp around in the ocean, then go out for a romantic dinner and watch a funny movie.
Oops, wait...
Wait, I seem to be lacking a few important components of that plan.
Like, for example, a boyfriend.
And a home that is NOT hundreds of miles from the nearest ocean.
And a warm climate.
And a life.
I hate Valentine's Day.

Hooray for snow plowing!

Hooray! My driveway finally got plowed today!
See? Now I can drive places without worrying about getting stuck!
It's weird; in some spots the snow isn't really that high, but in other spots there are giant drifts. It was REALLY windy last night, and everything just kept flying around and piling up.

Red Tea

Just so Valentine's Day won't be a total loss, I'm taking this opportunity to try something new.
It's from Snapple, and it's called "Acai Mixed Berry RED TEA."
Red tea!
I just bought it a few minutes ago. (Sad testament to my blogging addiction: While there in the store, I saw the bottle and immediately thought "Wow, I can try that and then blog about it!!!")
Anyway, here goes... I'm opening the bottle....
Smells unusual. Like berry and something.
Trying the tea....
Hmmm.
My first reaction was "ugh", but then the aftertaste was actually quite pleasant, like a sweet mixed berry punch. I "sort of" like it, but probably won't get it again. My favorite is still the Snapple Green Apple White Tea.

UPDATE at 6:45: One word: diarrhea.
DEFINITELY won't be buying this again.
Happy Valentines Day to you, too.

Wordless Wednesday

Lavender Ice Cream

I've never spent the night at a Bed and Breakfast, but I did attend a nice afternoon luncheon at one once, maybe five years ago.
The thing I remember best about it was a very unique dessert: Homemade lavender-flavored ice cream.
I know, it sounds peculiar, doesn't it?
But it was actually really good. It tasted the same way lavender smells-- and believe it or not, that ended up being a good taste.
Awhile later I asked the lady if she'd share the recipe, and she wouldn't/couldn't... she said something about having "lost" the recipe. (???)
Whatever.
Anyway, it inspired me to look for such recipes on the Internet.
I found quite a few, including this one for Blueberry-Lavender Ice Cream.
And I also found this page, where you can buy lavender for use in recipes.
Cool!

NOW I remember!

While in bed at 5:00 this morning, I suddenly opened my eyes and shouted "Pierce Brosnan! Pierce Brosnan!"
Unfortunately, this outburst had nothing to do with Mr. Brosnan being in bed next to me. Rather it was the fact that I finally remembered his name, after having forgotten it for an entire day.
Whew.
I feel much better now.

Have a "byte"....

Monday, Tuesday... or something like that

Yesterday, over halfway through the day, I realized that it was NOT Tuesday. It was Monday.
And I realized this just in time, as I was all dressed for band rehearsal, and was just getting ready to leave for Hillsdale.
It would have been quite a shock, to drive all the way over there, and wonder why no one else had shown up.
How embarrassing.
(I was sober the whole time, I swear!)

Weird Dream

I was on some kind of pilgrimage with a huge group of young people (age range-- about 6 through 20). I don't know what our destination was, but we were all walking there together on a well-worn path through the wilderness. There was a city a few miles ahead of us. Along with one of the pre-teen kids (he was maybe 12) , I saw a little boy at the side of the road. He was still standing, but he was frozen solid, like a statue. Completely petrified, changed to stone as if he had seen the face of Medusa.
I expressed shock and surprise, but the person next to me said "Nah, that's just Billy."
As if that explained everything.
"Wait a minute," I said to the pre-teen, confused. "I thought YOUR name was Billy."
"It is," he replied.
No one else seemed to care that there was this petrified kid-statue at the side of the road; they just walked right on by and kept going toward our destination.
I reached out to Billy-the-statue and touched the side of his head (or maybe it was his shoulder.) I said something, but don't remember what it was. Instantly Billy un-froze and came back to life, resuming his walk.
He never thanked me for this strange resuscitation, nor did anyone else seem to notice or care.
After all, it was just Billy.

A hole in my memory

Have you ever had a 'brain fart' moment where you can't remember someone's name?
Like, someone you've seen in movies and on TV LOTS OF TIMES??
There's this guy... and I can't remember his name, though I can see his face in my head as clear as day.
It's been bugging me all day long.
Why can't I remember his name??
It's going to hit me soon, I hope... I'll be laying in bed, trying to sleep, when all of a sudden I'll remember and will shout out loud in the darkness "THAT'S his name!! It's....."
But for right now, I'm stuck.
I know if I described him, you would ALL know his name, and would think I was a total idiot for not being able to remember it.
Hopefully by the next time I log on to the computer to read your comments, I'll have remembered his name and won't need to have it shouted at me.
But, just in case, here goes:
He was in Remington Steele. He was James Bond for awhile. He was in a movie called The Thomas Crown Affair. He has a British accent.
WHO IS HE????????
And why the hell can't I remember his name???? I can see his face, I can hear his voice & his accent, I just can't remember his name.
All I can think of is Bronson Pinchot, but I know that's not right. Bronson Pinchot is another guy altogether, who played "Balki" on the sitcom Perfect Strangers, and was in a movie called Blame It On The Bellboy.
Aggggh! This is so frustrating.
I know I could easily look it up on Google or Wikipedia, but it's the principle of the thing, y'know?? I want to remember it on my own!!
So, y'know what, I'm not going to read my comments until I remember the name on my own. Feel free to shout his name as loud as you want, but I won't read it 'til I've already figured it out.
Grrrrr!
Must..... remember..... name......


UPDATE: Now I remember! Pierce Brosnan! See, I almost had it right with "Bronson Pinchot", my brain was confusing "Bronson" with "Brosnan", and the initials "BP" with "PB".

Manic Monday: SPIKE

Today's theme, as assigned by our fearless leader Morgen, is SPIKE.
At first I had no clue what to post for this.
After a lot of thinking, I wondered if perhaps I could do an entire post on migraines, which feel like a giant toxic spike is going into my eyeball. Then I thought maybe I could talk about how much I recently enjoyed Sprite spiked with blueberry schnapps.
But eventually it dawned on me that I knew the perfect thing for this topic. One of the definitions Morgen posted was this:
6. spikes, a pair of shoes having such projections.
Ah! Yes! This reminded me of a set of pictures my mom e-mailed me last week. They're a series of pictures of shoes which are the "latest fashions from Italy and Japan."
Some of them are 'spikes', and others are just, well, see for yourself:

And, last but not least, MY FAVORITE:
I'm afraid to ask how much all these COST!

Round and round and round and....

This is hilarious, in a "How dizzy can we make the hamster" sort of way.
Click here to see it.
What I want to know is, what's that thing posted on the wall with the digital numbers on it? It can't possibly be a thermometer; the numbers fluctuate too wildly for that. So what is it? Any ideas? Please enlighten me, after you're done laughing at Tic and Tac.
Lesson for today: Centrifugal force (and inertia) works on rodents too!

Ancient computer rites

I know, I know. It's not 1998 anymore.
Yet here I am, still with my computer sporting the obsolete OS known as "Windows 98".
Not quite as caveman-esque as Windows 95, but still pretty close.
So I wasn't entirely surprised by my frustrating attempts at updating my Windows Media Player a few hours ago. The newest version (#11) is not compatible with Windows 98.
I had version 6.4, and the best upgrade I could get was 7.1.
So I went ahead and did it. It was frustrating and maddening, the cyber-equivalent of ripping one's hair out while forcing an eggplant into three random orifices all at once. (while juggling, no less.)
Yet, against all odds, I finally got it to work. I now have Windows Media Player 7.1, and I have to admit I love it so far, despite a few occasional annoying quirks.
No doubt it's like cave paintings, compared to the NEW version #11 that the rest of you technologically-updated folks are enjoying.
I envy you.
Sort of.
(Where did you put YOUR eggplants?)

Ugh

I found some "ketchup flavored" potato chips.
I'm about to try them for the very first time.
My first reaction, when I saw the bag, was a combination of two things:
(1) EEW, that sounds horrible!!
(2) Huh... I DO really love ketchup on french fries, maybe this is sorta like that. Let's try it!
So, with half my psyche screaming "No, no, you idiot!!" and the other half rubbing its hands together in childlike glee, I bought the 99-cent bag-- and here I am getting ready to blog about it.
So, here goes. I'm opening the bag....
Peering inside...
They look like ordinary barbecue chips, but they smell like ketchup.
Reaching inside and selecting a chip... Eating the chip....
...Trying a few more....
Hmmm.
Utterly bizarre, in a 'run-of-the-mill', 'plain-jane', 'why-did-I-bother' kind of way.
Not all that great.
Super-mild, no seasoning to speak of whatsoever.
Just... tomato ketchup. That's about it. Plain simple bland tomato ketchup, made into a powder and sprayed onto simple unsuspecting potato chips who will never be quite the same afterward.
I will probably not buy these again. Ever.
But still I'm glad I got to try them.

While Google-searching for a picture to use, I found (to my amazement) that actually there are LOTS of brands that make ketchup-flavored chips.
There's Uncle Ray's (the brand I bought... see picture above), but there's also Old Dutch, Wachusett, Herr's, Chiparama, Humpty Dumpty, Lay's, Safeway, Mr. Chips, and Crunchips. (Click on each for picture)
How strange!
Have any of you ever heard of these or tried these before?

Quote for today:

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
--Mark Twain

The quest for delicious heat

Ok! It's time to try the (hopefully) hot snacks!
Are ya ready? Get ready! Here we go!

(1) Snyder's "Hot Buffalo Wing" pretzel pieces: Upon opening the bag, I noticed the scent of vinegar. Like those vinegar-based hot sauces that are often used for making hot wings. The flavor is slightly reminiscent of those kinds of sauces. In other words, not really hot. The flavor is ok, I suppose. I'll definitely finish the bag, and might actually buy these again-- but I'll do so realizing that I am NOT actually getting anything resembling HOT Buffalo Wings. It's just a mild vinegary peppery flavor. Try some "Franks Red Hot" sauce (which is also not really hot), and reduce the heat factor by about half. That's the level we're talking about here.

(2) Pringles Select "Szechuan Barbecue" rice chips: Oh my gosh. These are really good. They're not "Hot" at all, but the flavor is delicious. It's a savory Asian spice blend, like what you'd get on a good spicy Chinese/Szechuan dish. Yummy flavor. I love these. I wish they were HOTTER, but I still love them. The rice chip itself has a good delicate texture and flavor. I will definitely buy these again.
(In case you haven't heard of the new "Pringles Select" varieties, they're different from regular pringles. They're not stacked in a can-- they're in a bag instead-- and they're a completely different shape and texture and flavor. They come in the following flavors: Parmesan Garlic, Sundried Tomato, Szechuan Barbecue, and Cinnamon Sweet Potato. So far the Szechuan is the only variety I've tried.)

(3) Mikesell's Kettle-Cooked "Hoppin' Hot Habanero" potato chips: The texture is that good rough "kettle crunch". The flavor is... uh... well, for the first 2 or 3 chips, I honestly wondered if there had been "plain" chips put in my bag by mistake. After trying a few more, I did detect some small amount of seasoning. After a few more, the heat level did grow a little. Not much, but a little. There was a small amount of "burn", maybe a 5 or 6 (on a scale of 1 to 10). I probably won't get these again, just because I wanted more of a BURST of flavor. There was no burst. When I bite into a chip, I want a phenomenal one-two punch of HEAT AND FLAVOR. These didn't deliver.

Soooo, of the three I tried today:
Overall Favorite: the Pringles.
Hottest: (which isn't saying much) The Mikesell's.

... Or you can just call Tom Cruise instead

Here, go take this test:
http://www.thenetw0rk.com/games/scientology.php
It's to see if you can tell the difference between TABLOID STORIES from the "Weekly World News" and teachings from SCIENTOLOGY.
Pretty scary.
Go see for yourself.
I got 53%.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Musical Instruments I have played:
1) Irish Folk Harp
2) French Horn
3) Mellophone
4) Hammered Dulcimer
5) Piano
6) Cornet/Trumpet
7) Autoharp
8) Organ
9) Xylophone
10) Soprano Recorder (in C)
11) Alto Recorder (in F)
12) Glockenspiel
13) Bubble Wrap
(...And let's not forget the kazoo)

Preview of (hopefully) hot things to come

While out shopping today, I decided to get some so-called "Spicy" or "Hot" snacks so I can do some more of my "world premiere" posts. (As in, "NEW world premiere: Janna tries Betty-Bob's Backwoods Hot Chips for the first time ever!")
What can I say? It's below freezing out there, and I need to get SOME heat into my life.
I'll try them later on, but here are the three kinds I decided to get:
Mikesell's Kettle-Cooked "Hoppin' Hot Habanero" potato chips
Snyder's "Hot Buffalo Wing" pretzel pieces
Pringle's Select "Szechuan Barbecue" rice chips
Stay tuned for the moment when I try these for the first time. I haven't decided yet whether I'll try all three in one day, or stretch them out over three days, or what. (If any of you actually care, feel free to voice a preference. :)

(And no, as far as I know, there is no such thing as "Betty-Bob's Backwoods Hot Chips"... but wouldn't be cool if there was?)

Just pick one

I got this meme from Travis...

1. YOUR REAL NAME:
Janna (Jannafer, actually...)

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first three letters of your name, plus izzle)
Janizzle

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three of your last)
J-Fra.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Aqua Panther

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, Street you live on)
Elenora Litchfield

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom’s maiden name)
Fra JaGre

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (favorite color, favorite drink)
Aqua Snapple (Specifically, Aqua Snapple-Green-Apple-White-Tea...)
(I almost said "green sex on the beach", but it sounded too much like a venereal disease)

8. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dad’s middle name, 1st letter of a sibling’s first name, last letter of your moms middle name)
AAARRH (Sounds like a pirate! Aaarrh, matey!) (I don't have any siblings; that's why there are 6 letters instead of 7)

9. YOUR STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/body spray)
Moves...? That's actually a good stripper name.... Fendi is nice too.

10. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father’s middle name)
Edith Cortland

Still alive!

I'm here!
I'm here... I haven't died or fallen off the face of the earth or become frozen in a ditch somewhere. (So stop placing bets on how long it will take the authorities to find me).
I was gone for much of the weekend, spending the night at the apartment of some friends, after an interesting event which I plan to blog about later on. (Sort of a 'brush with fame', though "fame" might not be exactly the right word).
And when I got home on Sunday, I spent a couple days just thinking about various things.... about life in general, and various crap possibly to be discussed later.
Sorry I haven't blurfed much at all since Friday. Sorry I missed Manic Monday!!!
No doubt you were ALL SO worried about me, that the sheer terror of considering my untimely demise kept you from e-mailing to inquire....
("My god, we haven't heard from her since Friday! Is she dead?")
("Ehh. Maybe. Who the hell knows.")
("Say, did you know that if you die in your home, and your cats get hungry, they'll start eating you?")
("Wow, really? That's probably what happened. Someone go break into her house and check the litter box.")
("Let's place bets! Twenty bucks says the time of death was 10:00 pm on Friday. How about you?")
("Put me down for 12:00 noon on Saturday.")
("... Aw, look, everyone-- she just posted something. She's still alive.")
("Awwwww...." groan )

Fuzzy Phil says it will be partly cloudy with a 70% chance of flurries

It's Groundhog Day, that lovely time of year when we celebrate the astounding meteorological prowess of large furry rodents.
I, personally, didn't see MY shadow when I got out of bed this morning, but that might be because I can't see anything without my glasses on. There could be Jimmy Hoffa's left ear down there, and I'd just blink at the fuzzy blob a few times before heading into the bathroom to pee.
Have a lovely day and a good weekend. Hug the nearest rodent for me.

Recycled Joke for today

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Thursday Thirteen

THIRTEEN RANDOM ITEMS FOR NO REASON:
1) Bottle of High-Energy Beverage that might as well be labeled "Liquid Crack"
2) Dead "AA" battery
3) Orangutan
4) Jimmy Hoffa
5) Antique phonograph
6) Burnt-out light bulb with fly specks on it
7) Map of Tom Selleck's chest hair
8) $5000.00 gift certificate from The Wren's Nest
9) Mercury (the planet)
10) Saturn (the car)
11) Pluto (the dog)
12) Nose-hair trimmers
13) Orange marmalade