I'll take a dozen, please

It's spelled peonies, PEONIES, I say!!
Though this does lend itself well to all sorts of jokes about being "long-stemmed"...

For anyone who still cares about the leg thing

I forgot to update everyone on the leg situation in my last post, so I'll just give a quick update right now for anyone who's curious:
It's healing v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. The hospital said to expect that, though, so I'm not worried.
I joked to a friend that the pace of my healing makes glaciers look like hummingbird wings.
I still have to change the bandages at least twice a day.
Sometimes my leg starts feeling really hot for no apparent reason, like I have a fever there. Weird.
I'm still taking the antibiotics; I was given 7 days worth. I'll be done with them on Thursday.
The muscles (or whatever) around my shin are still sore; it hurts to move my foot around.
But I expect I will be ok. At this point it hurts MUCH less than a migraine. And it's not constant pain anymore, just occasional. Usually right after I change the bandages, it hurts like an S.O.B. for awhile. Or if I accidentally brush it up against something.
.

A return to blogdom!

I'm back!
Yes, those of you who were hoping for my untimely demise will no doubt be sorely disappointed to learn that I arrived home safely this morning around 9:45.
Lee, Morgen, and I had a good weekend, filled with lots of Bond movies and yummy dinners together. (And lunch as well! I don't know about the breakfasts; apparently I slept through those). Hey, I still got up way earlier than I'm used to. :)
I'll post more later today, but for now I'm going to go blog-surfing ("blurfing") to see what all of you have been up to while I was gone!

Me again

I'm just about to go to bed, but am posting once more, just for the heck of it.
We had a lovely time watching Bond movies today. :)
For some reason the "No Comment" option got selected on my previous post; I have no idea why. I just fixed it.
Time for a hot bath and a good book and a warm bed.
Good night, everyone!

Just checking in

I'm here! I just arrived in Dowagiac and am typing this on Morgen's computer. The weather today is chilly (54 degrees) and rainy. But I am happy. This is gorgeous stuff compared to summertime heat.
Besides, any weather is good weather when one is amongst friends. Feel free to quote me on that. If you're from Hallmark and you use it on cards, I want money.
Lots of money.

My weekend itinerary

I haven't packed my bags yet, but I plan on doing that tonight.
Tomorrow morning around 9:30 or 10:00 I'll leave for Dowagiac and spend the day at The Wren's Nest with Morgen. (I might be able to post something during the afternoon from there; we'll see).
Then at 6:00 I'll be in Hartford at Lee & Morgen's house for the rest of the weekend.
I'll drive home on Monday morning.
So I'll be offline for a couple days. Don't worry; I'll be in good hands.

If you'd like to help ensure that I'll be in good hands, go leave a comment on Morgen's blog, telling him and Lee to be extra nice to me.

Example of comment that might work:

Dear Morgen and Lee:
Please take extra good care of Janna this weekend. She is my sun, my moon, and my stars, and everything I hold dear. I really really love Janna more than anything. Well, except chocolate. And cheeseburgers. And maybe Doritos. Well, anyway, take good care of Janna, and see that no harm befalls her. It would be a shame if we had to release a pack of rabid hyenas on your porch. Have a great weekend!
Love,
Anonymous fan of the Jannaverse
.

Five hundred!

I just realized that Saturday (4/21) I wrote my 500th post!
(This particular post is my 510th).
Wow. For me this is a big deal. :)
I got into blogging because friends (mostly Morgen) had been trying to convince me how cool it was, and how addictive it could be.
Surprise! Morgen was right! (I mean, c'mon, how often does that happen?)
My first post was on August 13, 2006. (Just over 8 months ago!) I realize this still makes me a baby, compared to some of you out there who have been blogging for years.
Now where's my cake?

P.S. Just kidding, Morgen; I know you're almost always right. Please don't hurt me when I visit you tomorrow! :)
.

Thirteen things I did NOT do in the waiting room at the hospital yesterday:

1) Point at empty chair and say "For crying out loud, are YOU here AGAIN??"
2) Ask strangers to dance with me.
3) Play Twister "solitaire" on the floor (with an invisible mat, of course)
4) Point at complete stranger and shout "YOU'RE the reason it burns when I pee!!"
5) Ask the nearest doctor if we can all send out for pizza
6) Turn to male stranger and say "I have a ballerina costume that might fit you."
7) Stare at nearest child and say "You know they have needles a foot long in there, right?"
8) Re-enact three random TV commercials... over and over and over...
9) Suddenly look shocked and say "Oh, NO; I've forgotten how to conjugate Russian verbs!!"
10) See how many old magazines I can fit into my bra
11) Make up limericks about amoebic dysentery *
12) Yodel
13) Shake head sadly and mutter "I KNEW I shouldn't have stuck that avocado in there."

*There once was a patient named Sherri
Who always had bad dysentery
Sometimes for a laugh
She would spray all the staff
And their laundry became rather scary
.

You can't get rid of me that easily...

Ok, everyone. I just got back from the hospital.
This morning I finally gave up and went to Urgent Care.
Except the triage nurse looked at my leg and sent me to the emergency department instead. (She said it was "Just in case there's a clot").
So I signed in and got my sexy little hospital bracelet (see picture).
Then I waited.
The doctor came in and cleaned out the wound, saying it looks like I have a "hematoma". (Note to self: Google "hematoma" to find out what the hell it means).
The wound isn't the kind that needs stitches, because it's not a clean slice with two distinct edges. When the bottle hit me, it gouged out a "J" shaped layer of flesh, and it hit me really hard. The doctor says it looks like the deeper layers of tissue have been damaged. So it will have to heal from the inside out. I was told this will probably take a few weeks to fully heal.
To fight the infection, I've been given a prescription for antibiotics (Keflex), which I'm supposed to take four times a day for the next week. (see picture).
They reassured me that the wound IS healing; it's just doing so really slowly, because of the deeper damage. I got instructions on how to take care of it, and hopefully things will be just fine as time progresses.
So we can all breathe a sigh of relief.
UPDATE: I Googled "hematoma". It's pretty much a fancy way of describing a bad bruise. Here's the Wikipedia article on it.
.

Leg

(Note: First go read the previous post, including the update at the end)

I used Neosporin on the leg last night.
Actually got a full night's sleep. Felt like crap.
Woke up this morning and found the bandage soaked.
It's been 4 days now, and the wound looks worse than day #1.
And it hurts.
I don't HAVE a doctor. I haven't had a doctor in about two years. He moved away.
If the Neosporin hasn't helped in another day or two, I'll take it to the "urgent care" section of the hospital. Or "prompt care", or whatever they call it nowadays. I'll get treated like cattle but hopefully someone there can help me.
.

Various things from the life of Janna

1) I was tempted to post a picture of my leg wound, with a title that said "Does this look infected to you?" It's been three days since the incident, and it doesn't seem to be healing. It still bleeds a lot and soaks through the bandages. And it still hurts. Shouldn't it be, you know, healing at least a little bit by now? Should I be worried here?

2) This weekend I will be visiting Lee and Morgen for a few days, from Friday to Monday morning. I might be able to post something from Morgen's store on Friday afternoon, but other than that, you guys are going to have to live without me that whole time! (Please don't do anything drastic. It would be cool if you missed me, though).

3) Here's a cute picture of Honeynut taking a nap today.

UPDATE: The leg is definitely infected. The bleeding has stopped, but it still looks pretty bad. I don't feel so great, guys. This afternoon I changed my bandages and was so exhausted I laid down for "just a moment". I woke up three hours later! I don't seem to have any Neosporin in the house, so I'm making a trip to the store right now to buy some. I'll also need to buy more bandages, since I've used up a lot of what I bought the other day.
I am still amazed that a 2-liter bottle can wreak this much havoc.
.

I'm not a slowpoke, dammit

Ok, in my most recent Math Problem I said I was going an AVERAGE of 55 mph during my trip.
Some people felt that was much too slow.
But the 55 was only an AVERAGE, which takes into account all the stop signs and villages where one must slow down to 25.
(Perhaps the word "highway" was confusing people... here in Michigan, "highway" can refer to just about any paved road; it doesn't have to mean the Interstate where everyone's zooming along at a non-stop speed of 75 or more).
So, for example.... If I spend equal time doing 35 and 75 throughout the journey, the AVERAGE would be 55.
Thank you.
Remember me when you take your SAT's.
Unless you flunk.
.

Manic Monday: Sunny

ODE TO "MORNING PEOPLE":

Some people are cheerfully sunny
Their morning's full of bright surprise
Let's cover them naked in honey
As fire ants crawl up their thighs
Leaving them slightly less cheery
But maybe not completely dead
So the rest of us, tired and bleary

Can get our asses back in bed

.

Math problem for today

Janna is driving on the highway, listening to the radio.
Her destination is 80 miles away, and her speed averages 55 mph.
Taking into account a 10-minute refueling stop, how long will it be before she sorrowfully pounds her head on the steering wheel because the radio refers to her favorite high school-era songs as "OLDIES"??

I'd like to thank the Academy....

The "Peanut Awards" are out, and I just learned that I have been given the title of "Funniest Blog"!!
Cool!
Thank you, Peanut!!!! :)

Another example of how my mind works

Once upon a time there was a yellow rose with green dewdrops. She was sad because all the other roses had clear dewdrops, and she felt different.
One day, at the far end of the garden, she happened to notice a very handsome white rose with yellow dewdrops.
"Oh my gosh!" She exclaimed, reaching a few thorny stems out to him in camaraderie. "Here I thought I was the only rose without clear dewdrops, and now I find you've got colored ones too! Let's go make beautiful rosebuds together!"
"Fine with me," he said, "but this is dog piss. Who sneezed on you?"
.

A few random thoughts

1) In a few minutes I'll be on my way over to deal with the fetid pit of bureaucracy again... I hate that. I've been trying to get a certain problem taken care of for quite awhile now, and it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. (I realize none of you know what I'm talking about. Just trust me.)

2) My leg is still sore from yesterday when that big heavy bottle fell on it. I've got a bandage over the gouge, and am waiting to see how big the bruise gets. The gouge happens to be "J" shaped, so I guess it was nice of the bottle edge to at least carve my own initial into me. Thoughtful.

3) My nails are currently painted metallic forest green, with pink criss-crossing stripes. It fits my mood.

4) Why the hell would ANYONE ever eat PLAIN yogurt??? It tastes like crap!

5) I wish I lived near the ocean, so I could go out and look for cool seashells at low tide.

Ok, I guess that's it for now.
Wish me luck with the bureaucratic alien demons from hell.
.

Example of how my mind works

Once upon a time Timmy went to the store to buy a hamster. There were no hamsters left, so he bought a bunch of celery instead. He named the celery "Buddy", and gave it a happy home in the bottom shelf of the refrigerator.
That evening his mother made a salad, and Timmy saw her slicing up the celery.
"Stop!" He shouted in horror. "What are you doing?!"
His mother shrugged. "I know. The hamster would have tasted better."
.

The soda is fine, by the way...

OUCH!!!
A few minutes ago I opened the refrigerator door to put away a half-bottle of Snapple I planned to finish later on.
When I opened the door, a full 2-liter bottle of Sierra Mist fell out. It fell at a weird angle and landed right on my upper shin.
Full force.
Cap-side down.
It ripped a one-inch gash in my leg, which stings like a &@&%$# and is still bleeding. I can already tell there is going to be a huge bruise.
At first it hurt so bad I thought it might have broken something, 'cause it was a heavy frickin' bottle, and it fell at least four feet before landing on me.

You will all be proud to know that after the initial pain and shock subsided, my first thought was "Wow, I gotta blog about this!!!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find some Excedrin and a few cold compresses...
.

No one in particular, but thanks for asking

A barb, careless, thrown in the air
Hit its target, he barely knew where
As he shrugged, looked away,
Still her heart bleeds today
And he can't yet be bothered to care

His words made her furious, pissed
Her blood boiling, seething, she hissed
I can send you to hell
You deserve it so well
And the world would forget you exist

Apology's not in his game
In comparison, grizzlies are tame
So with much delight
She will kill him tonight
Justice comes with him screaming her name
.

Thirteen Things I Did Today

1) Decided that blue will be my favorite color for the next 24 hours.
2) Got into an argument with my mother. (Not shouting-mad, but still very very tense).
3) Heard my cat barfing on the carpet.
4) Did some fun photoshopping.
5) Started working on my latest music composition project (those of you who listened to me on the Pointless Drivel radio show last weekend know what I'm talking about). I'll blog more about it later on...
6) Cringed when I saw the price of gas.
7) Held a purring cat for a few minutes. (Not the same cat who barfed).
8) Unsuccessfully tried fighting a bunch of mixed-up bureaucratic BS over the phone.
9) Fought the urge to jump off a cliff. (This decision was made easier by the fact that there are no cliffs in Michigan. At least none that I could find.)
10) Realized that my harp is REALLY out of tune.
11) Made mental note to fix the stuck third valve on my french horn.
12) Put some "Harvest Apple" scented lotion on my rough sandpapery elbows.
13) Took pictures of me holding a banana against my face for no reason.

I Hate My Computer

Excuse me for a moment...
(inhale)

Damn electric hatchet-wielding acid-spewing blood-snorting troglodytes living in my computer, I hate you I hate you I hate you! Stop crashing, stop freezing up, stop grinding to a halt, stop pissing me off! Lousy fetid mouth-breathing butt-sniffing migraine-inducing pisswad-with-a-microchip! I hate you I hate you I hate you! Techno-terrorist soul-eating son-of-an-abacus dirty rotten bastard!

(exhale)
Thank you.
.

Colorful Picture Of Me For No Reason

The Jannaverse

As you can see from the banner, I am now officially "The Jannaverse."
Thank you, to all of you who offered an opinion one way or the other.
Thanks also to the lurkers who didn't really comment on an opinion but at least had some sort of thought one way or the other. I could kinda read your minds a little bit, when the magnetic currents were going in the right direction.
Unless you were wearing one of those aluminum foil helmets.
There's no way I can break through those.

My favorite blogger quote for the day

Today's quote comes from Meloncutter, over at Meloncutter Musings. This guy is hilarious, because he has that sardonic misanthropic sense of humor I love so much. I love when he talks about the unfortunate gastrointestinal effects of cheap burritos, and I love his often-discussed theory that extended consumption of soy products has caused his penis to shrink. (Think you're shrinking down there, guys? Give up soy products, dammit! Let the poor thing grow back! Maybe you and Meloncutter can form a support group or something.)
Anyway, on Tuesday Meloncutter wrote this post, titled "Damn, it's hard to be funny all the time." And it started out with these three sentences, which are SO absolutely TRUE I wish I had written them myself:

"It's hard to be funny all the time. Humor for me is like gas, I either have it or I don't. When I do, it's funny as hell, when I don't I am just another grouchy old bastard."

Love ya, Meloncutter. :)

My million dollar idea

I am going to spend the next couple days inventing the "Interrupt-O-Zap".
It's a magic ray gun to aim at people who interrupt me.
It can be set to "mute", "stun", or "disintegrate".
It will work in person OR over the phone.
Start placing your orders now.
And just so you know, they'll be pre-programmed so none of them will work against me.

Just so you know

If you ever find yourself at the edge of a forest, wearing blue, looking at a pine tree while eating potato chips, and a nearby raccoon asks if he can have just one of your potato chips, DON'T believe him.
It is a dirty trick.

Five, Six, Whatever

I asked for five interviewees, and SIX of you expressed interest.
So, I guess it's not a huge deal to just go ahead and do six.
What can I say. I'm nice. Please love me.

OK. Here are the interviewees:
Amisare, Steve, Morgen, Turnbaby, Kyle (Juby), and Danielle.
Let's see... I have e-mail addresses for Morgen, Kyle, and Steve, but not Amisare, Turnbaby, or Danielle.
So if you could kindly e-mail your address to jannafer@qcnet.net, I will get your interview questions to you in a couple days. Gimme time to think of some good things to ask. I'll try to keep a good balance between serious stuff and bizarre absurd crap.
After all, we all need both in our lives. :)
.

The Interview Meme

Last week Mr. Fab did this on his blog, and I simply had to be a part of it. It's a different kind of meme; instead of being tagged, you have to request the tag. You then get "interviewed" by the person, who asks you five questions you have to answer. Then you get to offer interviews to five other people, and you decide what questions to ask them.

Here are the questions Mr. Fab gave me:

1. You play the French horn, yet you are not French. What do you have against American horns, you treasonous strumpet?

Despite my lawyer's advice, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the senate sub-committee during the hearings last week: I am not a treasonous strumpet. There is no such instrument as an American Horn. By the time the U.S. learned to read music, all the really good instruments had already been invented. I realize this means that I will be hated by patriots everywhere, and may be sent to live in Canada instead. I'm totally ok with that.

2. I know you are currently single. Let's say you are in the market for a significant other. What qualities to you are most important in a mate?

A) He must be able to make me laugh.
B) He must feel like I am able to make him laugh. (Must understand my bizarre sense of humor, and not be completely freaked out by the weird things I can come up with sometimes).
C) He must respect me.
D) He must make it reasonably easy for me to respect him as well.
E) He must never, ever, ever be abusive to me. Ever.
F) He must not be tone-deaf. (Must be able to hit the proper pitches when singing. He doesn't have to have a great voice, he just has to know whether he's singing the right notes. This may sound petty, but I would totally be driven insane by someone who couldn't even tell whether they were on the right pitch or not. This is why I can never watch American Idol.)
G) He must not hate cats.
H) He must be ready to try new exciting things involving ice cubes, plastic wrap, and menthol cough drops.

3. I happen to know that when washing your hair you lather and rinse, but you steadfastly refuse to repeat. Have you always been such a rebel?

Stop watching me in the shower!
Come on, do restraining orders mean nothing to you?
I've definitely had a "rebel" streak throughout the years, but haven't always shown it to the outside world. More often than not, I pretend to be a "good girl". Those who don't know me very well might think I'm quiet and boring. If only they could see what bizarre things go on in my brain. Heh heh heh.

4. You've had a rough day and are at the end of your rope. How does Janna relax and mellow out?

Lots of green jello and leather and chains and.... doritos... and...
Oops, sorry, forget I said that.
What I meant to say is, I love my cats. There's a lot of good therapy in holding a purring kitty. Plus I get a lot of stress-relief from reading funny blogs, and making up fun things to put on my own blog. I love photoshopping strange pictures for myself and others. Fun! I also love the soothing effects of music. Depending on my mood, I either listen to classical music, new age, classic rock, 80's rock, heavy metal, or Celtic/Irish folk music. I am generally NOT a fan of Country, Rap, Blues, or Jazz, yet sometimes even those have redeeming value. Even when I don't like a particular song/genre, I can still appreciate the musical work that went into creating it.

5. You have a tremendous fetish for fountain pens, some of which can cost upwards of $1000. I think most people have a hard time understanding that. Can you explain it to us?

I first mentioned my love for fountain pens in THIS POST. It explains the whole thing completely! :) Read it to learn about the four reasons I love fountain pens:
A) Aesthetics
B) Expression of eccentricity
C) Elegant simplicity
D) Reconnecting with history
It also explains how I can totally reconcile the fact that fountain pens are often insanely expensive. (And why I hate it when people say things like "Why spend a zillion dollars on one of those things, when you can get a package of ten BIC pens for a dollar?") Grrrrr.

That's the end of the interview! :) Hope you liked it. Thank you, Fab, for the questions. You rock.

Now, if the rest of you want to play, here are the rules:

I'll interview the first FIVE people who request it.
If you want to be one of them, do this:
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. (Make sure I have your e-mail address).
You will then answer the questions in a blog post of your own.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions, and the cycle will repeat forever and ever until the end of time.
Have fun!

Five Things You Should Never Say To A Squirrel

1) Y'know, without that bushy tail, you'd pretty much just be a rat.
2) I think I ran over your cousin yesterday.
3) Do you have change for a twenty?
4) Chip & Dale could drink you under the table any day.
5) Nice nuts.
.

The name of my blog

Ok, I want your opinion on something.
Sunday night on the radio program, we got on the topic of my blog's title.
One More Raindrop In A Bloggy Ocean.
That title gets screwed up a lot, I've noticed. Over the past few months, I've seen it called "Once More Into A Bloggy Ocean," "One More Drop In A Bloggy Ocean," "One More Raindrop In The Bloggy Ocean," and other mixed-up versions.
I know the real title is kinda long and cumbersome.
When I first decided to start a blog, I wondered what the title should be. I thought of "The Jannaverse", but figured that might be confused with the cartoon series I was doing for Morgen at the time. (Which was also called "The Jannaverse").
I wanted something cute, inviting, funny, intelligent, laced with just a tinge of strangeness. Maybe I was trying too hard to find something that was all-inclusive. I liked the raindrop title because it reflected the reality that there are zillions of blogs already out there, and mine was just one humble drop among many.
I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. I was signing up for the Blogger account, and there were separate boxes for the URL and the title. As you can see, the URL is "Jannaverse", http://jannaverse.blogspot.com/. Yet the title is something else entirely, "One More Raindrop In A Bloggy Ocean."
My question is this: Do you think it would be better if I just went ahead and changed the title to "Jannaverse"? That way it would match the URL. And I'm not doing that cartoon series for Morgen anymore; it kinda fell by the wayside, so there's no more worry about confusing the two. "Jannaverse" would be shorter, easier to remember, and harder to screw up.
I could keep "One More Raindrop In A Bloggy Ocean" as a subtitle, written in teeny letters below "The Jannaverse", so people wouldn't need to change the links in their sidebar if they currently have me listed as the raindrop thing. (I see some of you already have me listed as the "Jannaverse" anyway!)
So, whaddya think? Should I change it? Or would it be best to just keep it the way it is, and keep on correcting people who mix it up? Am I a jerk for wanting people to get the title right?
I was already considering this before the radio show last night, but when Mr. Fab brought up the topic of the title being cumbersome, it made me think about it even more. I mean, he was probably just joking, but I think he's right anyway.
Talk to me.
I'm listening.
.

Pull up a chair...

Ahh! I have finally caught up with answering my comments for these past couple days. All done! Go check! :)
As you probably remember, I've made a sort of resolution to answer all my comments. Ever since March 7th, I've responded to each one. And it's fun, really! It makes the blog feel like a coffee/donut shop where we're all casually chatting with each other.
I like it.
Keep commenting, and I will keep answering. Deal?
Now have a donut.....
Ooooh, look! Hot chocolate!

Continuum... continuum... continuum....

That sound you heard this evening was a hole being ripped in the space-time continuum as I co-hosted Pointless Drivel Live on BlogTalkRadio with the one and only Mr. Fabulous.
Be afraid.
No, really, go ahead, be afraid. I can wait a few minutes.... I'll just sit here and repeat the word "continuum" to myself over and over, 'cuz it's fun to say.
(pause)... continuum continuum continuum continuum continuum continuum ....
...Thank you.
Well, those of you who tuned in heard what my voice sounds like, as well as what I sound like when I am having a nervous breakdown.
I am accepting all donations of Xanax and Klonopin and Ativan (no suppositories, please), as well as suggestions on what liquor would be best to mix with them.

Update: I have finally talked myself into listening to the archived show. It took a lot of courage to click on that "Play" button. And, to my relief, I discovered that maybe I didn't sound as bad as I thought I did. :)
Maybe the universe can continue on after all.
.

Embarrassing Moment

When we do certain things, we expect certain things to happen.
If you're at the store and you step on one of those mats in front of the door, you expect the door to open for you. It's an automatic door. That's its job. It's supposed to open.
Right?
Well, I discovered a couple days ago that I can no longer expect such things to happen every time. I was wheeling my cart toward the exit, fully expecting the door to whoosh open for me with that happy little Zzznnnggg it does...
Nothin'.
I stopped (of course), genuinely surprised at this unexpected turn of events.
That's when I noticed the sign that said "Use Other Door."
Oops.
Sure, really, I CAN read. I have three diplomas. (one from high school, two from colleges). Yet apparently I never saw this situation listed on any of my tests.
Embarrassed, I looked around to see if anyone noticed. (No one else was around, thank goodness).
So I went to the "other door" that was mentioned...
Only to find that THAT one wasn't opening either!
I finally ended up going out the "IN" door, when it opened for someone coming in from the opposite direction.
Hey, I may not always read, but I am clever.
Sometimes.
.

I narrowly avoided having a delicious driveway

Thank goodness for thick glass jars. A couple days ago I was carrying in some groceries, and one of the flimsy plastic bags split open. A jar of Prego spaghetti sauce dropped out and fell onto the driveway. The hard, paved driveway. And it made a sickening *clunk*. I thought for sure I'd see spaghetti sauce slowly spreading across the driveway, and I'd have to clean that up along with shards of broken glass. But amazingly, the jar remained intact. There wasn't even a crack in the jar. Nothing. I was pleasantly amazed. Yay for the Prego people who decided NOT to skimp on production costs. Yay for jars that are thick enough to withstand being dropped. I am thankful.
Yay for Janna, who can still almost write coherent sentences at almost 3:30 in the morning.

I'm here

Wow. I went all of Friday without posting anything.
Did any of you wonder or worry that perhaps you might be getting that message from Morgen?
I dunno why I didn't post. Had a lot on my mind, I guess.
Still do.
Gimme a couple minutes... I'll post something new.
I can't guarantee it'll be freaky or funny, but it will at least prove I'm alive.
Though I guess I could be a zombie, who's come back from the dead with a bloodthirst for blogging....
See, it's almost 3:00 in the morning, and that almost made sense.
Hold me.

If my life had a soundtrack, this would be on there

I love this video.
It's so cute, and funny, and kinda poignant too.
Probably most of you have already seen it, but if not, here, go take a look.
The lyrics are kind of hard to catch, so I'll put them here for your convenience:
(I believe the video was done by Bernard Derriman; not sure about the song or the lyrics. If any of you know, leave me a comment so I can give proper credit.)

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?
Teenagers naked,
Couple and threes
Grandparents swing from the ceiling.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.

Corporate capers and office amore.
Shenanigans outdoor and in.
Resist and then later your find out there's more
Regret in not doing the sin.

All lives have to die
Of that there's no help
My favourite way to end them
Is the orb-weaver spider's whose pedipalp
Enters the female pudendum.

Then dies on the spot
His corpse there still stuck,
Left for his rivals to curse at.

He would rather die than not get to fuck
Personally I reckon it's worth it.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does everybody else get that feeling?
.

Morbid? Maybe. Sue me.

CincyDiva did a post last week which seriously made me think. Among other things, it addresses this real but morbid topic: If we were to die, who would tell our online friends? How would our online loved ones find out? Do we have a way of making sure everyone gets informed, should the worst happen? This made me send an e-mail to Morgen, asking him to please notify all the blogs in my sidebar if anything should "happen" to me. (I know, way to freak out your friends, huh?) But he said he would do that for me, so if I ever drop dead, you guys in my sidebar/blogroll will be getting notification from Morgen. Please wait 'til I'm actually in the ground before you start partying.

One Thinker In A Bloggy Ocean

Morgen awarded me with the "Thinking Blogger Award" today. (Actually he awarded 5 of them to various people, and I was one).

Here's what he said:
One More Raindrop In A Bloggy Ocean
Janna, whom I nominated for Freakiest Blogger, is one smart cookie. If she were an actual cookie she'd be a pecan-chocolate chip peanut butter bar, that when you bit into it, there would be a little musical chip inside (like those Hallmark cards have) that would play her latest composition. Freaky yet amazing. Just don't send her your dental bill for biting into the sound chip! A wonderful writer, of prose, poetry, music and humor - she certainly deserves the Thinkingest of the Thinky Awards.

No doubt the cookie part will disturb Mr. Fab, who hates peanut butter.
Technically I'm now supposed to award this honor to 5 other people.
But I'm going to sidestep the rules a bit. I agree with Travis's rant on the subject. Every blog in my sidebar makes me THINK in some way or other, and I just can't choose between them. You've all impressed me, in some way, at some time or other. So pat yourselves on the back and shake your hand... or whatever body part you feel like shaking.

And thank you, Morgen, for the award!
.

Three pictures for no reason

1) "I said, I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON!!"

2) So wait, is this telling us we SHOULD or SHOULDN'T?
Will I get a ticket if I fail to drive my car into the ocean?

3) I wish guys still dressed like this. Wouldn't that be cool?
Of course, then women might have to start wearing corsets again, and that would be just plain wrong, so never mind.

Wordless Wednesday

More snow

Remember me saying yesterday that all the snow had melted?
Well, today I woke up to THIS.
Apparently winter is not over quite exactly yet.
Maybe next week...

Nerves of brass

At rehearsal tonight we had a guest soloist. He's an excellent french hornist (much better than I am, though I hope to someday have the same skill level).
Even though he seemed to be a nice guy, I felt intimidated, wondering what he thought of how I sounded. I became ultra-critical of myself, my intonation, my tone quality, my phrasing, and my interpretation of the music. I didn't say anything or act any differently, but inside I was very nervous. I have two bachelor's degrees in music, (one of which specialized in french horn performance), and yet I felt like a hopeless child.
Years from now, when I'M the famous french horn player, remind me of this so I can laugh about it then, OK?
Besides, then I can send all of you autographed pictures of me, posing as I proudly hold my shiny beautiful french horn against my perky bosoms, and.... well, no, never mind.
I could send you an autographed picture of me right NOW, it just wouldn't be worth anything.

At least he can smile about it

Well, the snow seems to have stopped, and what's on the ground has melted. So maybe winter really is over. I'm going to miss it.

So is this guy.

Ten Sentences I Did NOT Say Today:

1) That tombstone would look really great in my living room.
2) Mozart would have really loved country music.
3) Armadillos don't taste all that bad, once you get past the shell.
4) Green Jello would be a great name for a pro wrestler.
5) Einstein was totally wrong about that whole speed-of-light thing.
6) Oh, come on, that smelled nothing like cabbage!
7) Are they supposed to be all fuzzy like that?
8) Can I draw dirty pictures on your back with a magic marker?
9) The world would be a much better place if ostriches could fly.
10) I love sports so much I could almost pee my pants.

Math problem for today

Frozen burritos cost 39 cents each, or $1.00 for three.
Jill buys seven, paying with a ten dollar bill.
She eats three for dinner, then goes to her daughter's violin recital.
How many farts can she let quietly before the violin teacher notices?

Manic Monday: Snap

* The best thing about the word "snap" is that it's an anagram for "naps". I like naps. If you like taking naps too, we could probably be great friends. Call me. Bring your own pillow.

* My sanity doesn't quite "snap" as much as it just stretches reeeeaally thin sometimes. My sanity is the thinnest part of me! Go on, measure everything... see? If the rest of me was as thin as my sanity, I could shop in any fancy boutique I wanted! I could even shop in the mall stores and get respect from the snotty little high-school girls who are a size quadruple-zero. (Which, ironically, is also their IQ).

* "Snap" is also an anagram for "pans", which for some reason makes me think of bedpans. Bedpans aren't quite as fun as naps. Though you could almost do both at the same time.

* Another anagram would be "span", which reminds me of C-SPAN, which I don't get because I don't have cable or satellite or anything cool like that. Go on, pity me. Take up a collection or something.

*And one last anagram for "snap" is "pnas", which is the lung cell of a freshly-hatched emperor penguin, with a special coating to... ...ok, yeah, I'm lying. There's no such word as "pnas."
.

Pretend I put a really witty title here, ok?

I have no idea what to say today, so why not just spew out whatever comes to mind.

* When I was young I hated the idea of hollow chocolate bunnies. I thought it was a dirty rotten trick, making someone think they were getting all that chocolate, and then they learn to their dismay that it's filled with nothing but AIR. I'm surprised more riots haven't happened as a result of this.

* Last night the snow continued. When I drove into town in the evening, I noticed that the snow had completely covered the road in some spots. Granted, it was a thin dusting, but still more than I thought I would see. And yet I STILL say this is better than summer. I hate hot temperatures. Hate them. I would rather shiver than sweat, ANY day.

* Since I really have no holiday plans, I've just been sitting here alone at home, slowly marinating in my own juices. (You wouldn't believe how tender I am now!). Go on, stick me with a fork. See? Tons of flavor there. Trust me.

* I wish I could figure out how to post audio clips to my blog. I think that'd be fun. I think Blogger stopped providing that service back in November, which bites. If there's any other way of doing it, and IF I could figure it out, I could post clips of me saying all kinds of stupid junk, and playing little snippets of my music compositions.

* Sanity is overrated.
.

Sniff them first, just to be sure

More Six Word Stories

Yesterday's Six Word Story project was so fun and addictive that I've already written more.

*
Strange people
always
knew me best
*
Occasionally I actually
Believed in something
*
Look at me
Before I shoot
*
Found you, lost...
Lost you, finally
*
Hell is full;
Welcome to work!
*
Eat 40 prunes
Sit back
Wait
*
One pet
Made life worth living
*
Headache gone
Only when you leave
*
.
AND, last but not least, the special Easter edition:

Delicious bunny!
.... Your pet...??
Didn't realize...
*

Disgusting things to eat... or NOT eat

Don't read this if you've recently eaten... or if you plan to eat anything at all in the near future.
If I were ever to become the richest person on the planet, I would invite all you guys to a big annual feast, where we could all chat and have tons o' fun for many hours.
But this got me thinking, it would be hard to come up with dishes we could all agree on.
Each of us has a particular food we absolutely despise.
Morgen hates beets. (Can't say I blame him.)
Somebody hates black olives, but I can't remember who... (I love olives)
Matt-Man hates pork chops. (I like them if they're done properly).
I remember somebody hated mushrooms... who was that? (I like mushrooms)
Aisby hates ketchup. (I love ketchup).
Didn't somebody hate avocados? (I don't like avocados either).
Mr. Fab hates peanut butter. (I like it, especially with chocolate).
And if you've been reading my blog for awhile, you already know how I feel about onions. I honestly think I must be allergic to them or something. I react that violently to them.
I also hate mayonnaise. Bleccchh.

So, anyway, let's try to find some things we ALL hate, so we can at least agree what NOT to have at our blogger-feast.

Here are some ideas on things we can all hate together:

1) Animal penises. Apparently this is popular in China. Dog penises, snake penises, donkey penises.... Read all about it.
2) Casu Marzu. It's a type of cheese that has maggots in it-- ON PURPOSE. The cheese rots and the maggots make it slimy. Sometimes people actually choose to eat it when the maggots are still in there, wiggling away. Here's a wikipedia article about it, if you dare.
3) Squirrel brains, broiled puppies, eyeballs, and testicles. Read about that here.

So, are we all in agreement so far? Yes?
Once you all regain your appetites after that, we can start planning a menu of things we DO like.
If I ever regain MY appetite, that is.
.

Six Word Stories

Turnbaby invited me to do this thing; I guess it's a meme, but I prefer to think of it as sort of a fun writers' project. It started at Nancy's blog.
The idea is to write a story that's only six words long.
Here's the set-up Nancy gave:

Ernest Hemingway said the best thing he ever wrote was a six-word story.
It is this:

"For sale-- Baby shoes. Never used."

My challenge to you, Dear Readers and Writers, is to come up with your own six-word story. That's all. Six words.
How hard could that be? It'll only take a minute.

My favorite one of Nancy's was this:

"I wrote, 'Mickey Mouse.' Disney sued."

My favorite of Turnbaby's was this:

"Bought dress.
Bought shoes.
Danced alone."

So let's see..... what six-word creations can I come up with??

*

THAT one
deserved my bullet most.
*
Smiles hid the tears
every time.
*
I died once;
You never cried.
*
He did NOT taste like chicken.
*
My love
Is already married?
Shit!!!
*
Weekend alone
Party quietly
Die naked
*
I awoke
warped further each morning
*
He never learned
why we cared
*
Wouldn't listen
Gone now
Good riddance

*

I won't tag anyone with this. But if it inspires you, go try it! It's fun and kind of addictive after awhile! :)
.

The weekend approaches

Here it is, Friday already.
I have absolutely no plans for the weekend.
Everyone else will be doing whatever it is they do on Easter weekends, I will probably just stay here at home, basking in splendid isolation, drinking all my Faygo Redpop, reading blogs, sleeping, and farting whenever I feel like it.
I guess sometimes there are bonuses to being single.

Taking Candy From Strangers

Back on March 6th, exactly one month ago, I wrote a post where I tried Dove chocolate milk for the very first time. I made it embarrassingly clear that I loved the stuff. :)
Well, I'd completely forgotten about writing that, when I got a comment on that post two days ago from someone named Lauren. Click here to read the comment (Scroll all the way down; it's near the bottom).

My first reaction was "Wow, cool!" But then the skepticism and caution crept in. Was this for real? It sounded too good to be true. And she left her comment at 7pm... that seemed odd to me. Wouldn't someone in an office, working in PR, have hours that were closer to the regular 9-5 schedule? So I wondered whether or not to respond.
Eventually I decided what the heck. Let's be brave.

So I sent her this e-mail:

Tell me more about this!
Free Dove chocolate sounds too good to be true.
it must be nice to have a job websurfing for chocolate hits at 7:00 in the evening. I definitely need a career change.
--Janna

And she responded with this:

Yes, PR does have it’s perks! One of them is the great amount of chocolate here that we normally use to send to editors (and sometimes snack from!) Occasionally, if one of us happens to come across a blog that we find interesting, or fun, we can send chocolate just as a thank you for mentioning it. Yours seemed pretty cool! So that is it— no strings. Basically, we’re just glad that you like our chocolate! If you would like me to send you some, just let me know where I can send it, and I can overnight you some treats. Best, Lauren

So I daringly sent my address to her yesterday, at about 3:00pm.
And TODAY, at around noon, a FedEx truck pulled up and left me a package!
Oh, my gosh! Look at this! There's a bag of the foil-wrapped "Rich Dark Chocolate" promises, and a bag of the foil-wrapped "Dark Chocolate Raspberry" promises (caramel filled)! And two bars of the "Extra-Dark" chocolate-- one with 63% cacao, and one with 71% cacao. (When you're Dove, you get to spell COCOA any way you want. :)
Plus, there's a card that says this:

Dear Janna:
This shift (with new packaging for the dark chocolate) doesn't hit shelves until June. Enjoy!
Best, Lauren

Wow! How very cool!
What a nice surprise!
Thank you, Lauren and Dove.
Thank you very much!
.

I know there are more than seven....

Ways things could be worse:
1) Gas could cost six dollars a gallon.
2) Cows could taste like beets instead of steak.
3) Public nudity could be mandatory for everyone over 65.
4) Our front yards could be full of pythons and scorpions.
5) Large dogs could shoot deadly venom, right at crotch-level.
6) Chocolate could be radioactive.
7) Michael Jackson could release a CD of children's lullabies.

April snow... sounds like a fabric softener

This is how much snow we got yesterday. Not a lot; you can still see the grass through it. Currently the temperature here is 27 degrees F, with a wind chill of 13.... Sure, I'm cold, but I would MUCH rather have this than the horrible midsummer heat. Anything over 72 is out of my comfort zone. Anything over 80 makes me wish I was dead.
Notice the forsythia bush in my front yard that has no idea what the hell's going on.
It's just as well. I hate forsythia. And daffodils. And tulips. Not real crazy about iris, either.
Maybe I should just move to Canada.
I feel like I'm already almost there as it is.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I Have Never
Had In My Armpit:
1) Artichoke
2) Live Weasel
3) Pudding
4) Dead Weasel
5) Light Bulb
6) Scrabble tile with the letter "Q" on it
7) Marshmallows
8) Peat Moss
9) A million dollars
10) Blueberry pie
11) Postcard from Australia
12) Plutonium
13) Caramel apple
.

Me too! No, wait...

Pleasantly Chilly

It is snowing right now here in Michigan.
Oh, it's not piling up or anything, and I'm sure it won't stick around, but still...
I think it's kinda cool that we're still getting snow in the first week of April.
Sure beats that lousy 80-degree crap we're bound to get in a couple weeks.

Fun ways to misuse common household items:

1) Coat a butter knife with hair spray, let it set out for a week, and see how many insects get stuck to it.

2) Sit in driveway and cover pebbles with fabric softener. If neighbors ask what you're doing, reply "I cannot divulge the specifics of Operation April Fresh at this time."

3) Soak tampon in green jello, hang from rear view mirror, along with piece of paper that says "Note to self: Get Tested."
.

Wordless Wednesday

Now I can go back to being sweet and innocent and... hey, stop snickering!

To anyone else out there who has incorrectly been labeled a porno site by MyBlogLog: They have a page set up where you can correct the problem yourself.
Just log in and go here:
http://www.mybloglog.com/buzz/customerservice/
And look at the section that says "My account is labeled 'adult'".
There's a link in that paragraph that you click on to change the setting yourself.
Just follow the directions. I did it, and things seem to be ok now.

So I guess I don't have a porno blog after all... this means those of you who were hoping to see me naked are S-O-L ....
And those of you who were dreading seeing me naked can now breathe a sigh of relief.

Swamps... they're not just for frogs anymore

This evening I was riding in a car with some family members.
We were driving in the country, and passed a house that STILL had Christmas lights up. (And yes, they were Christmas lights, not Easter decorations). One of my family members started to comment on this, and the sentence started out as follows:
"Oh, that's the house where--"
And I thought, naturally, that the rest of the sentence would pertain to the Christmas lights, but instead the second half went like this:
"--where that guy killed his father and stuffed the body over in the swamp somewhere."
(!!!)
I hadn't heard of this newsworthy item, which apparently happened about a year ago.
I'm imagining a scenario where the father wanted to take down the lights, and the son said "No, leave them up!!" and it all degenerated into bloodshed from there.
Hey, it could happen.

Just a few neurons left....

.
Brittle limbs of mind
Darkest hidden branches snap
Sanity falls free
.
Miserable twigs
Cover the untended ground
Someone please notice

--Janna Franklin, 4/2/2007

Good Cartoonists, Please Ignore Me

I loved the comic strip The Far Side.
Then its creator, Gary Larson, retired.
I loved the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes.
Then its creator, Bill Watterson, retired.
This makes me reluctant to admit that I love any other comics, like Dilbert.
Scott Adams, if you're reading this, forget I said anything.

Visits from Janna... and other potentially hazardous things

Still no response from MyBlogLog, who remains of the opinion that I am running a seedy porno site dripping with contagious squirming micro-vermin, ready to crawl up your most private orifices if you come within two feet of the screen. (Better use latex gloves, just to be safe).

In other news...

As you know, yesterday I visited Morgen. We had a good time; I needed the company. Friday afternoon the ABC group was supposed to have a mini-party at Dennis & Kristen's, but it got canceled because not enough people could show up. So I felt lonely and sad, which was aggravated by the fact that I'd already been feeling depressed to begin with. Thus, Saturday morning I called Morgen, who said "Sure, come on over!!"

Mr. Fab left a comment, saying "How come you always visit him, but you never visit me?" This made me laugh, and inspired me to create the following list:

Top ten reasons I haven't visited you, Mr. Fab:
1) You live in Florida, where the heat and humidity would make me wish every breath was my last.
2) You would soon tire of me asking you to autograph portions of my anatomy.
3) I would have to sell myself on the street for approximately ten days just to afford the gas money. (Not that I know anything about that...)
4) You live in Florida, where hurricanes ravage the land on a yearly (sometimes hourly) basis.
5) I couldn't possibly compete with your rabbits.
6) You're a morning person, and I would eventually have to kill you.
7) Too many awkward questions from your wife, asking "Honey, who's that strange lady living out in the shed?"
8) You live in FLORIDA, where alligators eagerly dine on succulent morsels of unsuspecting tourists.
9) If I wanted to visit Disneyworld, you would murder me and stuff me in a swamp somewhere, muttering that Disney is a greedy soul-sucking corporate axis of evil.
10) I didn't know you cared! :)
.